Older guy dilemma! Help!

[djgirl]

howdy all,

I have a situation going on and I need some male opinions.

For the last 3 months I have been seeing an older man whose 20 years older then me, he is most handsome, charming and funniest guy I have ever laid eyes on. He doesn't even look his age and to me age is nothing but a number, you can't help who you fall for. So anyway he told me from the start he didn't want a relationship as he was badly hurt from his divorce a few years ago and is a bit jaded from it. So we started off as friends for a bit and for the last couple of months have turned into fwb. Now before you call me a w*ore this is not something I usually sign up for but I like him so much and I thought it's better then nothing. The secks has been great! We always have a good time together, he also always cuddles and kisses me afterwards which I know means nothing but thought I'd share lol

So what I want to know is how do I turn this fwb arrangement into a relationship ? I have asked him about it a few times where this is leading to and he always replies with " let's just see what happens" or "baby steps first" which is fine I'm not asking for marriage and know things take time but I'm not going to be one of these women who wait around for a man to decide if he sees a future with me or not...as much as I enjoy banging him, my feelings are starting to grow and become stronger for him...he did have a hang up about our age gap at the start and I think that had a lot to do with him not wanting to commit straight away and the fact that he has a teenage son as well he wants to be careful and I get that but surely after 3 months you'd know if you want to pursue things further or not??

He always initiates contact with me everyday just to check up on me and see how I am which I think is weird for a fwb situation considering we don't do anything but fu*k when we're together. He doesn't take me out or wine and dine me and we don't really do couple things which is a bit hurtful at times because it feels like I'm just a piece of meat to him....

So I'm wanting your opinions on this and what my next move should be?? I don't want to keep pushing him and asking him what we are because i know he will get annoyed but at the same time I do enjoy banging him even though my feelings are getting quite strong for him... Please help!

 

[bigneil]

Wow, Jaylan "never heard of any woman liking a man 20 years older". I thought age "26 was too old for younger girls"? I thought women "prefer to be with their contemporaries", even if they are backwards-baseball-cap wearing landscapers living in their mom's basement?

Anyhow, I'm dating 3 girls who are 21 or 22 currently (in 3 states). I tend to hold them at arm's length because they seem very young to me. Sex is not what motivates me, but rather to feel their youthful energy, and to get them to fall for me. One wanted a commitment 6 months ago but I didn't because as the saying goes, when a man my age marries a girl her age he gets exactly what he deserves. That said, she's still part of my life and we talked about a commitment yesterday. Some things take time. With one of the other girls it took 4 months before I had feelings, and that was only when she seemed to withdraw from the courtship. She eventually stole my heart with a kiss. The third one I just met and I'm going to see tonight.

The thing that doesn't sound right to me is that he's not spoiling you. If a man is 20 years older, he must have acquired some additional resources as well as class, and he's supposed to be generous. He's supposed to improve your live independently of the sex part. You should be gaining knowledge about the finer things. I give them Valrhona chocolate from France, organic vanilla beans (known aphrodisiac), silver dollars (for them to keep forever), home grown sprouts (to keep them healthy), fine wine (showing them how to pair food and how to hold the glass properly) and home cooked meals (teaching them to cook). I take them away to the finest hotels (within reason), the sunniest beaches, the best concerts and highest rated restaurants with the best views. Not to spoil them. To spoil myself.

Maybe you're too available and he needs to realize he can lose you and then he'll treat you better. Something needs to change if you want "something more" as they say. Tell him you want to go to a nice restaurant and if he doesn't take you, go with a younger man and tell him about it.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

"So anyway he told me from the start he didn't want a relationship as he was badly hurt from his divorce a few years ago and is a bit jaded from it".

He told you the deal. Unfortunately that's still the deal. If you want exclusivity, ask him. He probably doesn't at the moment though. If his needs change, you'll know about it. If you push him, it will probably be away from you.

"I don't want to keep pushing him and asking him what we are because i know he will get annoyed but at the same time I do enjoy banging him even though my feelings are getting quite strong for him".

You have each other. The reason you like him is because of the way he is in your current situation, not because you are a 'thing'. He and his ex had a 'thing', a label; now look - they're divorced. We enjoy what we have, not what we think we want. The pleasure is in the journey, and there is no destination in particular.

If you want a 'relationship', you can find one. Probably not with this guy though, not at the moment.

 

[djgirl]

I'm 28 and his 49. And no he doesn't spoil me. I suppose we are more "f*ck buddies then anything. His never suggested to go out for dinner or to go out places together....I guess it's not that big of a deal but it would be nice otherwise it sometimes just feels like he wants me for secks...I know his scared of getting hurt again and I feel like he puts walls up sometimes but honestly I would never do anything to try and hurt him I'm not like that.

His also a closed book and doesn't open up about how he feels so I never really know where I stand or what he wants, every time I bring up discussions like that we end up arguing so I just avoid it now.

I have told him that if someone else comes along and offers me more then him then I will leave him for them and he knows that but still won't budge.

I feel like his holding on to fear with me especially about what everyone will think if we ever got together or if he thinks I'll eventually get bored of him and leave him which I will never do. Once I'm committed I'm in for the long haul.

I don't chase him though his always the one that sets up dates and contacts me to see where I am nearly everyday. I don't know what he wants. I'm not sure what to do either. I know 3 months isn't that long but as I said I'm not going to wait around forever for him to decide what he wants to do. I don't want my time wasted or my feelings strung along

 

[bigneil]

You deserve better djgirl. 28 seems young enough for me now, nevermind 5 years from now.

 

[skinnyguy]

A 49 year old man who is banging some chick in her 20's is messed up mentally. Why do you want a relationship?

 

[bigneil]

A 49 year old man who is banging some chick in her 20's is messed up mentally. Why do you want a relationship?

Take it from a girl posing as a guy who keeps her age secret. Jaylan, is that you?

 

[djgirl]

So what should I do then? Please refrain from rude and nasty remarks, just give it to me straight because this situation is stressing me out

 

[Yewki]

howdy all,

I have a situation going on and I need some male opinions.

For the last 3 months I have been seeing an older man whose 20 years older then me, he is most handsome, charming and funniest guy I have ever laid eyes on. He doesn't even look his age and to me age is nothing but a number, you can't help who you fall for. So anyway he told me from the start he didn't want a relationship as he was badly hurt from his divorce a few years ago and is a bit jaded from it. So we started off as friends for a bit and for the last couple of months have turned into fwb. Now before you call me a w*ore this is not something I usually sign up for but I like him so much and I thought it's better then nothing. The secks has been great! We always have a good time together, he also always cuddles and kisses me afterwards which I know means nothing but thought I'd share lol

So what I want to know is how do I turn this fwb arrangement into a relationship ? I have asked him about it a few times where this is leading to and he always replies with " let's just see what happens" or "baby steps first" which is fine I'm not asking for marriage and know things take time but I'm not going to be one of these women who wait around for a man to decide if he sees a future with me or not...as much as I enjoy banging him, my feelings are starting to grow and become stronger for him...he did have a hang up about our age gap at the start and I think that had a lot to do with him not wanting to commit straight away and the fact that he has a teenage son as well he wants to be careful and I get that but surely after 3 months you'd know if you want to pursue things further or not??

He always initiates contact with me everyday just to check up on me and see how I am which I think is weird for a fwb situation considering we don't do anything but fu*k when we're together. He doesn't take me out or wine and dine me and we don't really do couple things which is a bit hurtful at times because it feels like I'm just a piece of meat to him....

So I'm wanting your opinions on this and what my next move should be?? I don't want to keep pushing him and asking him what we are because i know he will get annoyed but at the same time I do enjoy banging him even though my feelings are getting quite strong for him... Please help!

Take the energy you spend worrying about this and use it to pursue other guys. That way, 1) you won't mind waiting as much for this particular guy to come around, and 2) this particular guy will like you more for not being as needy. Win win.

Or, continue obessing about this one guy and keep wasting your time/energy.

Your choice.

 

[bigneil]

Djgirl, on a scale of 1 to 10, how does he rate, and how do you rate? I get the impression this guy is better than your other options by a large margin.

EDIT: Even if this is true, remember that youth and beauty become interchangeable to a man in his 40's. In high school you can rate girls within .1 points accuracy, but 20 years later, girls that age all seem hot if they are thin. Likewise youth and innocence are interchangeable. A 20 year old stripper is FAR more innocent than a 44 year old non-stripper, for example. They hate this.

 

[djgirl]

He is better then all my other options. Even though they do more with me, like take me out, compliment me all the time etc I don't know what it is with him, I just like and care for him so much. He turns me on more, and I'm generally just attracted to him more. He knows I have other guys after me so I would of though that might of made him more of an incentive to win me over...:

I just sent him a text saying we need to talk...nearly 2 hours later no reply...

 

[guru1000]

I just sent him a text saying we need to talk...nearly 2 hours later no reply...

He's a DJ Missy; tread carefully ... Very few of us left

 

[mister.ritenow]

"Even though they do more with me, like take me out, compliment me all the time etc I don't know what it is with him, I just like and care for him so much."

because he doesn't make himself as available or safe as the other guys.

 

[Yewki]

You entertaining other options is not going to make a recent divorcee view you as long term material

If he's not committing to her there's nothing wrong with her being open to other guys. He knows this. If she was preoccupied with life and wasn't as needy I gaurantee you he would be more interested in her. He would want to "have her" to himself. You want what you can't have, but right now he already has her in his pocket.

I just sent him a text saying we need to talk...nearly 2 hours later no reply...

The fact you're counting the hours and posting about it on the internet is probably a symptom to one of the reasons he is reluctant to commit to you.

 

[djgirl]

Well I know it was probably a lame mistake but I told him that it's basically his loss if he didn't want to commit and that his the one missing out on someone who actually genuinely likes him and would do anything for him . Told him I was going to be moving on and that I'm worth way more then being his little secks toy...as expected he hasn't replied.

I guess I will go nc now and see if he comes crawling back? Meanwhile I'll be dating other guys. He has been distant all week with me though even before I Brough this up...so I know there is something on his mind

 

[Jaylan]

Wow, Jaylan "never heard of any woman liking a man 20 years older". I thought age "26 was too old for younger girls"? I thought women "prefer to be with their contemporaries", even if they are backwards-baseball-cap wearing landscapers living in their mom's basement?

1 girl on a forum totally means most women in their 20s are dating guys 20 years older than them? Jeez dude, all I and the other young guys said in that other thread was that most women we've known and see tend to date men their own age.

Dude, you really have to work on your ego if it bothers you when people state the fact that the majority of people date within their age group. Also, you've been quite known to date strippers and other low quality women.

No offense, but you arent known for snatching up young women that aren't looking for a payoff in some way. Every time you've given us details about these young women you date, they've either been strippers, gold diggers, or girls with some kind of drama where the guys on this forum said they'd stay away.

You can date women of any age group if you don't have high standards. Im not bashing you either bro...just being honest since you chose to call me out.

 

[Mike32ct]

OP: What you have to understand is that sometimes, when there is a large age difference, one partner decides upfront that it's only about sex, and a relationship is out of the question, but they don't necessarily tell you this. In other words, this guy probably firmly placed you in FWB category at the beginning. The possibility of a relationship was never on the table.

 

[djgirl]

OP: What you have to understand is that sometimes, when there is a large age difference, one partner decides upfront that it's only about sex, and a relationship is out of the question, but they don't necessarily tell you this. In other words, this guy probably firmly placed you in FWB category at the beginning. The possibility of a relationship was never on the table.

I understand this but when we first started talking he brought up relationship talks quite a bit and seemed like something he eventually wanted to try...after a few weeks though he wanted to try out "fwb" whilst getting to know each other and see if it leads to anything because he was badly burnt from his ex wife and was scared of committing. I understood and didn't push him as I thought maybe in time he might come around....everything was going great between us, we'd hook up at least once every two weeks and text everyday with him initiating every time and chasing me. But I did notice that every time id bring up relationship or feelings talks he'd always try and avoid it or turn around and say "baby steps" and let's see where things go.... See mixed messages.

 

[_sideways_]

You got played like a fiddle.

 

[ArcBound]

Well I know it was probably a lame mistake but I told him that it's basically his loss if he didn't want to commit and that his the one missing out on someone who actually genuinely likes him and would do anything for him . Told him I was going to be moving on and that I'm worth way more then being his little secks toy...as expected he hasn't replied.

I guess I will go nc now and see if he comes crawling back? Meanwhile I'll be dating other guys. He has been distant all week with me though even before I Brough this up...so I know there is something on his mind

Gather around all, to listen to ArcBound and his CRYSTAL BALL.

Sometime later, maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months djgirl's older man will make contact again. Djgirl will be very happy and jump on the opportunity thinking the older man learned form his ways. However the olderman is just hitting her up for more sex.

"Told him I was going to be moving on and that I'm worth way more then being his little secks toy..."

Djgirl you actually told him the opposite...by YOUR ACTIONS. You claim you are more than his little sex toy, yet you allowed him to use you for sex without taking you out on dates, without any form of commitment.

Then you followed it up by hamstering that he "doesn't want to get emotionally hurt". You not only make yourself a sex toy for him, you also give him excuses for any red flag he might trigger. So when you texted him "I'm not your little sex toy", he probably smirked.

And about him being the best option you have.... Ladies and gentleman we are witnessing an alpha widow in the making!

Tldr: djgirl spun like the dirty little plate she is, getting alpha widowed, hamsters are spinning. see you after the wall!