nutcase needed help

[lostmymind]

Hello, new here and just started reading a few days ago.

Well i am 26 and the last two weeks i seem to be losing my mind.

I am indian, A sikh and i kept turban, i was reading about one guy who cut his hair, i didnt and i got a lot of crap for it. i live in the south and it wasnt easy. I made it but definatly had a lot of emotional baggage in me, both from never really being accepted and also from parents nagging and *****ing all the time.
never dated, mom would give me a lot of **** if she knew i had talked to a girl, let alone dated one. no experience, totally a newbie and not that happy with life.
Well i go to college, meet a wonderful girl, fall in love, four years later i almost ask her to marry me, i have a ring all picked out and everything. But she was polish and neither of us told our parents. We always avoided the issue because we both knew our parents wouldnt accept it and i was too much of a chicken**** to deal with them. All this time i had a lot of depression issues to deal with. not really her but from my own stuff. i dont want pity but it was there and i couldnt see it and it made me pretty sad and pathetic. My parents are doctors and refused to see that anything might bother me, if anything is wrong take a pill, NEVER talk about it or try to figure it out. Didnt get good grades, just didnt care, you get the basic idea.

well i graduate and join a masters program, mostly cause my parents throw me there, didnt know why i was going. i had never felt like i had control of my life. I hated myself and everything around me. 9/11 happens and people started the usual name calling and violent stuff. never got in a fight at that point over it but it along with my program sucking and the guy i joined with was an ******* who made me even more depressed. well it made me go nuts.

i broke up with her, instead of buying the ring and trying to deal with it i ended it for no reason from her perspective. at the time i hated myself and wanted her to be free, i was unworthy, stupid mentality like that. i have hated myself ever since about it but thats the basics.

well two years after that stuff finally comes together and i take charge of my life. i stop hating myself, i stop letting my parents run me to hell and depression and quit the program, i was one month from finishing but that one month would have been hell. instead of going to the collage for medical school i up and go to poland for med school.

i did this because i wanted charge of my life, i wanted to be in controland i hated that place more then anything in the world. I never knew why i went there and i hated my parents for making me so damn depressed.

well i take loans, go there, its rough, not as great as i thought but it was what you make of it. I learn to first like and now love myself, do well in school, lose some weight (always chunky, i was about 40 lbs over, only about 20 now) and improve my relationship with my parents. They never really accept what happened and i stopped caring to explain it, i just wanted control of my life and i chieved it.

When i decided to go to poland i tried to contact my ex, she would contact every once in a while and while i did try to make her hate me when we broke up, i was always nice afterwards, she dated other guys, had it rough and of course that added to me hating myself more those first two years. well i call her and she wasnt home so i go to her apartment, i didnt htinki should go but after ten minutes sitting there i decide to go up and lo and behold she drives up in some other guys car as i am at her door. well they drive off and i feel like an idiot and leave. I figure its not in the cards to even make up with her.

the problem is i rejected girls the whole time, i could have had a few pretty ones but never went that far, just wasnt interested. My heart was stuck on my ex of four years.

Go to poalnd and while studying i start going out more, develop some ocnfidence, learn to talk to girls better and its easy over there, but even then I could never want a girl, some hot women would be around and some hit on me and while i would dance and grind i never felt anything for them.

Well a few months ago before i finish i kinda solve some more of my remaining depression (i dont think i can really get over it ever but i feel more in control of my life and definatly love it and want to enjoy the rest of it)

i am now 26, most of my HS, even collage buddies are married or have kids. i resolved to try and get over my ex, she wouldnt really talk to me and i didnt need to keep holding my life on for her when she didnt even care. she got over it so now i needed to as well. Plus with school i have a huge test and i dont want to deal with it so i kinda put it on hold. but its been four years and i am starting to feel crappy again. coming home was the cheapest way to study and live but the same depression feelings are creeping in, my dad starts saying the same stuff about how i need to focus, forget everything. **** he tells me every ****ing time i try to have a conversation with him. as much as i love him i hate the son of a ***** and all the grief he gives me every day. My mom becomes controlling again and micro manages every aspect of my life, uses guilt to make me feel bad, and my little bro who i have loved and raised is about to go to college and he is being a lying bastard who steals my stuff.

needless to say i want out of this house, def not helping my mood. going to a kaplan course to study in three days and told my parents i am not coming back.

well my ex contacts me a little over a week ago, wants to talk, shoot the breeze. well i be nice, try to be funny, i was just so shocked that she would want to talk that i was not giving the best impression. not bad but definatly not dj level. she has me blocked on aim and all that and i resolved not to contact her if she was blocking me. she never bothered responding to the few emails i would send her so what ws the point?

well since she contacted me my mind is driving me nuts. i had for a while before figured love was not in the cards for me, now or ever, I have yet to meet a single indian girl i like, they might exist but i am more american so i prefer white which isnt easy. Been so busy with school havnt given it much time and so here she comes out of the blue.

I have never really forgiven myself for breaking up with her, i thought i had and while i know its my life and i have to move on and just drop it, i cant help but want to talk to her. not really to get back together with her (she was too clingy and stuff) but now she pretty much seems an alcoholic slut and i hate that. She doesnt deserve that type of life and here i am wanting to go and 'save' her.

and yet i dont think thats what i should do, i dont know if its my responsability.

she went out for a fourth of july weekend and today she came back online but had blocked me.

When she talked to me she loved telling me about how she likes drinking (we drank casually in college, not sure if my or her fault) so i thought of buying an expensive bottle of vodka and seeing if she was up for it, and then saying hello.

i think its a horrible idea but for somer eason i cant get it out of my head. seriously this is driving me nuts and i think i am losing my mind because i dont know what i really want. The past month i have been getting those depressing feelings again since living home so i dont know whats really going on. yes therapy would be great, i would love to get it but my parents refuse to let me get it since the only ones in town are indians and would know my 'personal' problems.

so someone please help before i make a dumb mistake, i have made plenty and gotten over most of them but i think this is the only one i have left unresolved from my past. parents i can deal with by leaving but this one i think is my last shot for 'closure'.

hell i will settle for someone telling me almost anything usefull as i cant really talk to parents about it.

 

[lostmymind]

been reading the dj bible and feelinga hell of a lot better. dont realy care anymore about the girl, going to start the boot camp first thing and to hell with those damn depressive feelings.

 

[Cod3r]

Whoa

I'm not even going to pretend I know the best thing for you, so instead let me just make a few suggestions and share some insights....

Suggestions:

1. DO NOT call or make any further attempt to contact the ex-girlfriend. She is the past you, the depressed, controlled, utterly destroyed part of you. She's apart of that and hence needs to be cut off. You want her because its familiar, you admitted yourself you KNOW ur not gonna get back with her, you're just thinking about it because its familiar than the life you can have....

Change is hard, yes even POSITIVE change is hard. Humans would rather be miserable in the known, then happy in the unknown. If we don't HAVE to change we won't, but YOU my friend HAVE TO / MUST change or you're going down a VERY VERY dangerous road... trust me, i have seen the end result in friends.

---She called you because she was lonely for whatever reason and ur familiar to her, so she just wanted some entertainment and companionship, but you can't offer that to her without the 'old you' creeping back into your life, so tell her straight up that you have no interest in talking to her or just ignore her calls, you CAN NOT be friends with her, its not healthy for you at this point in your life... maybe later, but probably NEVER....

2. MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Again its apart of the 'old you'. Everything there is going to put you back in the mindfrrame of how you were before you left. Dad yelling at you, mom controlling you, brother annoying you. Pleaseee you don't need that, get a job and move out... It's easy.

3. Improve your self-image <-- That's a blanket statement and the EXACT ways to do that you need to figure out yourself, but you have a HORRID self-image of yourself and I'm sensing some inferiorty complex with white women from your ex-gf. Women don't like submission in a prospective partner, so get that inferior bull**** out of your head, you're better than them and at the VERY LEAST equal to them.... u wear a turban ?? Who cares, I think they are cool and might get one one day for the hell of it... no1 really cares, wear and be comfortable being YOU....

INSIGHT

Life sucks a big portion of the time and well it sucks for you right now, but that dosen't mean that it can't change my friend. YOU always have the power to change your circumstance, just stand up and do it. Erase the old you, he dosen't have anything on the 'new you'. Forget the past and let it be a lesson learned, erase all things of the past and concentrate on your future.....

That's really all I can tell you, keep your head up bro... Keep us posted



-Cod3r

 

[NewMan]

Remove this chick from your IM immediately. She is using her when she wants you - never let that happen again.

It seems like your parents are bringing you down - I don't think anyone here is qualified to help you, so I would go see someone who is qualified to help you.

 

[Desdinova]

I like your post. You definately show potential to improve your situation, but you keep getting sucked back into these situations that bring you down.

First of all, your ex...

while i know its my life and i have to move on and just drop it, i cant help but want to talk to her. not really to get back together with her (she was too clingy and stuff) but now she pretty much seems an alcoholic slut and i hate that. She doesnt deserve that type of life and here i am wanting to go and 'save' her.

so i thought of buying an expensive bottle of vodka and seeing if she was up for it, and then saying hello.

i think its a horrible idea but for somer eason i cant get it out of my head.

There's nothing quite like the inner battle that you have with the inner-AFC.

You know damn well that you shouldn't be picking at the scab, but you're doing it anyway. You're not going to heal if you keep in contact with her.

needless to say i want out of this house, def not helping my mood. going to a kaplan course to study in three days and told my parents i am not coming back.

Good. Staying in a toxic household isn't going to help you move ahead with your life.

 

[lostmymind]

Well, iw as thinking about all i said and made a resolve. No matter what happens i will stop hating myself (making myself depressed) but i had to have some resolution/closure.

she blocked me today so i found her number and gave her a call, wasnt at home so called her school # and she answered, said hello, asked if she wanted to go out and she said she was busy and took my number. but it was pretty much cold shoulder, she said she didnt even know why we were talking, i mentioned a drink and she got all panicky. so i hung up and for about five min felt bad. mostly about how badly i did on the phone call.

but you know what? I havnt felt this good in a while. I feel better then before because i dont have to hold that damn guilt anymore. I bought the bottle of vodka anyway (ultimat vodka, damn expensive) and i am going to drink it myself!

I am responsible for my own actions, past or present, good or bad, but I know my suffering alone solves nothing. Hating my self for no reason was senseless, but continuing to hate myself for past failures is just as bad. It can have no positive result and only betrays the wonderful things I have received and done. Only living my life now, honestly and truthfully, can have any meaning.

Thats pretty much how i feel right now, already deleted her off aim, what few things i had left of hers i will remove and move on.

you guys were talking about confidence and self esteem and while i have developed a fair amount, i still need more and i think i am going to focus on that more then the girl for the moment. hell the first week in camp is about learning to deal with rejection anyway and i think if i focus and pass this test, well its going to be a HUGE mental boost.

wish me luck, will post more later

 

[Vulpine]

It sure is a nice day today.

 

[Cod3r]

I bought the bottle of vodka anyway (ultimat vodka, damn expensive) and i am going to drink it myself!

^ ^ ^ And you say you're not depressed.. hahaha... glad ur moving forward bro


-Cod3r