"Not ready" advice

[StoneyRU]

So i ran into this girl 2 months ago that i knew from growing up (she's 2 years younger) and we hit it off immediately. Had a great time and i got her number, texted her the next day and we hung out again. Everything was going great and we were hanging out and talking a ton. She did tell me early however that she wanted to take it slow because she just got our of a relationship where she was heartbroken and needed some time admitting that she had a guard up. I was fine with that and told her lets just keep hanging out and having fun and see where that goes.

So a month and a half goes by with this- going out on dates/with friends, sleeping in the same bed and hooking up, and really having fun. She goes on a family vacation and while on vacation i took the route of don't bug her but still text real short when she texted me. We talked some and she would get drunk and be all about me and say i miss you and throw out comments talking about the future with me in it. So i was like damn this is going good cause i really like this chick. Last night of her vacation she says you've been really distant to which i replied yeah sorry i was just letting you enjoy your time with your family to which she drunkenly replied "Its ok we're not dating".

So i took that as a now is your shot. i didn't say anything after her comment but we had one day to hang out before she was off to another weekend vacation with her friends. That night i talked to her (which she hates talking about anything to do with feelings) she was very against expressing anything. I mentioned i hope we can date in the future and she gave me the im not ready for a commitment right now i need some time. So i said thats fine but as long as i know you are not going to go out and try and meet other people to which she replied "we're not dating so technically i could". (Her friend later told me that she regretted telling me that and didn't really mean it she is just shying away from anything commitment related). So after that we went upstairs laid down and things were so akward that i just was like look i get the hint and left to go home.

So she calls me the next morning very early and is like im sorry about last night my mind was just racing. I told her it was fine and that i hope she has a good time on her weekend vacation with friends. So she goes on this weekend vacation and its the same as her family vacation. Texting i miss you, we should come here one day, literally talking to me all day until i would give her the "im busy with this ill text you later".

So she comes back and we hang out a few times and things are back to normal and we are hanging out together and being intimate and all. Overall though, i was putting way too much effort into her and felt like i was always the one making plans and getting "maybe" and was sick of not knowing if i was wasting my time (because of her commit comment). So finally one night we are talking and she knew i was pissed (cause we were supposed to hang out and we didnt) and i was like look its obvious your not into this like i am so maybe its best if i back off and give her some space. She didn't like that. We kept talking after that but not a lot and when i asked her what she was doing 3 days later she said i thought you needed space. So i called her that night and was like look im not the one who wants space and i still want to hang out. (im disappointed in myself trust me). So she said ok and the next couple days or so we were so both distant to which i found out we both were trying to give each other space. So i finally 2 days ago called her and said look what are you doing tonight can i come over for an hour so we can talk. She said about what and i said ive just been thinking about some stuff and need to talk. She said okay then called me back and said can we do it tommorow i have so much to do for a big seminar she had the next day. I said thats fine it can wait. She then was like why do we need to talk we've talked 20 times? I said yeah but i have been thinking a lot and need to communicate with you. She got kinda pissed.

So she texts me after that and is like sorry for being mad but i am just frustrated with so much going on and i feel like we have talked numerous times. So i said it fine i understand but it can wait didnt mean to stress you out. She said well now i have this on my mind cause you're acting like its important. I said its not important enough to where it cant wait. So then she said again ok but this is frustrating. I replied dont stress out its really not something to stress about i just want to talk about what happens from here...

She said WHY we have already talked 20 times. So i got pissed and said look its obvious im more into you (i know this is stupid to say after reflecting) and maybe its best we take a break from everything. Its not your fault maybe just bad timing. She said wow i cant believe you would do this before tommorow you are too kind. I said its not what i want but we got to find some common ground. she said ive been open with you from day 1 about everything (which i guess is true but too many mixed signals) you are right lets take a break.

So like a ***** i texted her like 5 hours later after work and said look im sorry i shouldnt of brought it up. I really like you and dont want to take a break. Lets just chill hang out and have a good time. Hope your day goes well tommorow.

No text back that night or all day yesterday.

What i learned as well is she is getting pressure from her parents to date me cause they really like me which isnt helping. She is just overwhelmed with so much **** and not ready. BTW- her ex bf (who she gets mad about when she sees him) is now texting her again and saying i really wish we could be friends we would be such great friends blah blah. She showed me this at the bar this weekend and was like i just wanted to show you that im not texting him back cause she had heard i knew he was texting her.

So now im in a predicament. Trust me- I have acted like a beta, i know that and let my emotions get the best of me. I know the girl likes me and we have a great time together but i am afraid ive pushed too much.

Do i go distant and let her come to me or send out short texts like hope you are doing well every 3-4 days so she knows i still am interested? I am just pissed we didnt get to talk in person cause i think it wouldve gone way different.

Thanks

 

[Die Hard]

She has never been committed to you and she never will. Case closed.

The question is, are you able to accept this or are you gonna keep closing your eyes for the truth?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Judge a woman by her actions not her words.
You're just her little plaything that she keeps on the hook so she doesn't feel lonely.
I guarantee she will start dating some dude soon and you'll be all "WTF? You said you weren't ready for a commitment!"
Sorry OP, she's just not ready for a commitment with you.
Pull back now. Stay friendly if you must but by hanging in there like you are you're setting yourself up for a major heartbreak.

 

[StoneyRU]

I agree with you both. Idk why I let myself get so emotionally attached. She just sent so many mixed signals it was hard not too. And she did say when we talked- if we were to be dating in the future I'd be happy. Probably just a hoax to keep me around.

One question- for the future- do you think it was me that ****ed this up or just bad timing? I keep finding myself putting the blame on me.

Question 2- I'm under the impression that its completely over. Not gonna text or anything but say she texts or calls me in a week or something? What route would you take? Definitely not falling for this **** again.

And don't worry I'm still young,24, i got plenty of time for other girls and I know that. Just gotta push through, move on and start mingling with other girls.

Thanks

 

[Bokanovsky]

Do not ever initiate talks about "the future" or "the relationship" or "us" with a girl you're dating. That is the female prerogative. If a girl wants to be in relationship with you, she will bring it up herself, take my word for it. If she does not, trying to talk her into having a relationship with you is at best, an exercise in futility and at worst, achieves the opposite result.

 

[StoneyRU]

Update: she just texted me and said its fine but after the past week or so I think we should still take a break.

Then she sent me a snapchat which shows the person when it's opened.

So if I open the snapchat and not reply it will show her I'm ignoring her.

What do you guys think?

 

[Die Hard]

Yeah, ignore her. What the fvck do you care if she knows you are ignoring her? If you're in a relationship with a girl, her opinion of you mattters, coz you still want something from her.
But you want nothing from her anymore, you have come to the conclusion that this girl isn't gonna give you what you want anyway, so you are gonna give up on her and look for a better one.
In other words, you want nothing from her anymore, so her opinion of you should be totally irrelevant to you from this point on.

Don't forget what you are living for, dude. Why are you after girls?, to make yourself happy or to make them happy? If a girl can't make you happy, then why the fvck would you even care about her opinion of you? Stop caring so much, dude... She's just a girl, and she sucks...coz she won't be committed to you. So you discard her and throw her with the trash, then go look for a better one. Who cares what she thinks of you after that, if she can see that you're ignoring her etc. That's all unimportant.

 

[StoneyRU]

You are exactly right. How things were going wasn't making me happy whatsoever so wtf do I care what she thinks?

I opened the snapchat so she obviously knows I have my phone and saw it but I'm not texting this girl anymore. Feels good that she was the last to say something though. My mindset is completely changed.

On to the next I appreciate everyone's advice. Definitely helps to have someone light a fire under you ass.

Just wish I would've came to this forum a month ago.

 

[cordoncordon]

I am going to put this all pretty bluntly because when I was younger, I was in a couple of situations just like you are now. Ahhhh the memories.

You are more into this than she is. You know it. She knows it. Sasquatch knows it.

She wants to like you more, but for whatever reason, she just can't. Hence why she keeps hanging out with you, but never goes 'all in' like most girls do who are really into a guy.

More than likely she still harbors deep feelings for her ex, and she is secretly hoping deep down that they get back together. As long as she has these feelings, you have no shot. None. You are a distraction that keeps her from dwelling on him.

The more you push push push, the further away she will run. Stop pushing.

Now, here is the thing. Normally I would say that you should go no contact and odds are she will come running back to you. But in this case, I do not believe that will happen. As I said you are a distraction for her while she deals with her ex. I don't believe you are anyone she has super deep feels for. So she will probably start to wonder after a period of NC where you are, and will probably even contact you just to see if you are still on the hook, but going NC will not all of a sudden make her see how wonderful you are and make her come running. So go NC for yourself. To get over her and to move on. Go with that mindset. That you are not going NC to get her back, but to get your self respect and life back. And then learn from this so that the next girl you fall for, and there will be many more, you will know how to act in that kind of a situation.

Good luck.

 

[Kailex]

It sounds like you are pretty young, brother...

So make these mistakes now, learn your lessons and move on in life.
It seems like the time transpired here was of weeks. Listen, a relationship with a woman shouldn't be this difficult... definitely not one with a huge interest level. She'd make things a lot easier and she'd be more than willing to forget her ex with you.

But she's not committing to you because you are just a placeholder.

It COULD end up being you, but more than likely she is waiting for someone better to come along.. and if there isn't... there's YOU.

You're Plan B right now, so move on. Read your own original post and if you can't highlight where you went wrong (I literally cringed at some of the things you've posted... but it's okay, we all have done it)... then you have much more to learn.

You'll be fine... she'll move on and find someone else to keep her company in the meantime.

It's like cordoncordon said... you kept pushing and pushing for something and all it did was push her away. Don't make excuses for being "distant". Being "distant" is a good thing... it makes the hamster run a little harder in the long run.

Just remember, experience is the best teacher as long as you take the time to actually learn the lessons.

 

[Lord Hypnos]

tell her you have a new girlfriend that you are seeing regularly, and that it wouldn't be fair to your new relationship if you kept in contact with her. that should give her a nice ego bruise, which will make you feel better about yourself :cheer:

 

[floydb25]

Been in these situations before, and was a clingy little nice guy beta back then, too. Here's the thing: the nature of attraction doesn't change, regardless of the situation. She might like you, but isn't crazy about you - because you're not allowing her to. Acting pushy, always being available, wearing your heart on a sleeve, making everything bigger than it is, analyzing every detail, telling her how you feel, waiting around for her, saying you want to be with her (over and over), being at her beck and call, making everything about her, discussing everything like there's a future.... all bad. She's the nice little distressed damsel, and you're trying to be the hero. Too bad it's not attracting her, and only pushing her further away. But this is a very common scenario (and mistake) we make.

You're taking everything too literally, and acting on what you THINK is the right course of action - based on her claims, and how you WANT things to be. Don't ever assume or get too ahead of yourself. Mostly, just need to kill the desperation and neediness going on. It's like, simply because she says she's not ready and wants to take it slow - you take that slight hint of potential interest, and go ape**** with it. This is how desperate guys act, and I did the same thing before. You gotta be cool and content no matter what, and not try to prove how awesome and perfect you are, and always be available, trying to fix or save bishes... they should be pursuing, pushing for relationships, and trying to live up to your standards / proving themselves to you.

Right from the jump - you have been the pursuer who's showing all the interest, trying to get her to come around, thinking with your heart, letting your emotions get the best of you, etc, etc. Thing is, you're getting WAY too caught up in the challenge, and that's ALL you're focusing on. There's no courting going on, here... you're not weeding her out and seeing what she's about.. just you taking her side, making it all about her, and trying to get her to choose you. Not a good course of action to take. Pedestalization is bad. Don't wear your heart on a sleeve.

But this is what being a challenge does, and why it's so effective. People go nuts over what they can't have - without thinking of the consequences. Most of the time, they don't even KNOW the people they're going crazy over. Just what they want to see, what the other person claims, etc. Head all up in the clouds.

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

She has low interest and you care too much. Hence why you are in the friendzone!

Case closed.

 

[StoneyRU]

Update and need advice:

So i went real distant with this girl and 2 weeks ago she finally said she wanted to see me and wanted to hang out. I told her i was busy and maybe another time so she said tommorow? i said yeah thats fine.

So we go out for drinks and everything is going good. she acted real funny towards the end of the night like her head wasnt all there so i did a little detective work and found out a few things.

She had been texting an ex that cheated on her being kinda flirty saying you miss me? and he was like maybe and that he wanted to take her on a date. She said lets get lunch and catch up.

Also- she was texting another dude for the past 2 weeks, a lot when we were kinda being distant, and definitely showing interest in him. Invited him for day at her families beach house when they go and even took a picture of her beer and sent it to him while we were together saying ill have one for ya.

So as you can imagine i am ****ing furious but i do not show it. Next morning i casually ask her if other people are involved cause we were talking. She said no and promised that she would tell me if so. I said okay. Keep in mind she has no idea i know what i know.

So that day i ignored her all day. She got real confused and even called my roomate asking if i was home, etc. Next day i text her and say hey sorry i was busy i am gonna come out to your place tonight for a little bit wont be long. Shes obviously worried and is like everything ok? i said yeah. so that night i went out to her house and ended things with her and said look i just dont think things are working out. shes confused as hell and gets mad but i made it short. She texts me all that night and the next few days asking questions (she most likely has a hunch i knew because she kept saying and why do you keep saying other people are involved) i just keep reiterating its whats best and its not working out. no hard feelings.

So last Thursday i run into her at the bar with her friends. Played it smooth, said hi to her and was at the bar mingling having a good time. Her friends ended up flocking to me and her two best friends even said that i was a great guy and she was dumb as hell and that i deserved better. Then they said that she told them that she just didnt know what she wanted but i was someone she would marry (the ****?). So im like ok cool and i tell her friends look just didnt work out but thanks and made sure i didnt talk down about her. Her friends stay by me the whole night im buying them drinks and having a good time making them laugh. She finally comes over and i act like she wasnt there at all in a nice way. Just kinda kept my back to her which pissed her off. So when they are leaving she gets mad and says you are a **** for buying my friends drinks. I say what? and she storms out. So im like whatever.

So i didnt get a text until next Tuesday where she sends me a picture that reminded her of me. i ignore. she then says look i clearly like you i just dont know what to do right now i have so many things going on and my head is spinning. she then asks why i acted like that at the bar. i ignore. She then sends another saying and idk what i did to deserve being ignored like this? i ignore.

So i keep on going with NC and this past Thursday she texts me again and says so..are you just not speaking to me or somethin? I'm confused. I ignore again and thats the last i heard from her.

Question is- What do i do from here? I feel like she is playing the victim and i really want to hint to her i know what she did so she can feel kinda guilty (again she has no idea or at least she cant confirm that i know about the other guys). I guess thats kinda dumb of me but we have a lot of mutual friends and i dont want her rumoring me as being a ****. Do i text and just say something like look its not gonna work out when you have interests elsewhere? Idk if i text now itll show her i care which i dont want to do since i feel i ended it with the upper hand right now. Anyone been in a similar situation?

Advice appreciated

 

[Weezzyy]

Please StoneyRU, keep going the way you are! Show her that you don't care anymore and move on, and in the meanwhile, really do it!! She is scared her option B will go away which is driving her nuts. Even if you come back she will repeat the whole cycle, she'll be nice to you again and then start with the mixed signals again, and still keep texting other dudes. Do yourself a favor and don't allow it to happen again!

 

[JoeMarron]

I'm going to make everything incredibly simple for you going forward. If you like a chick and you've already slept with her keep doing that. Don't try to shove a relationship down her throat, don't pursue her more than she's pursuing you, don't spill your emotions all over her, just keep fvcking her. If she likes you enough she'll ask for a relationship and if you want one say yes then continue with the above list. If she gets distant you get even more distant. If she keeps being distant you break up and move on with your life. It's literally that simple. Stop worrying and obsessing over every little thing. That's a woman's job.

 

[cordoncordon]

Haha. I am assuming you snooped in her phone when she had too much to drink and went to the bathroom or something and left her phone at the table?

Before I can answer any of your questions. What is it that you are looking to accomplish with her from here on out? A relationship? FB? Totally getting over her? From the time and effort it took you to write that last post, I assume you still care and what a relationship of some type with her?

 

[StoneyRU]

Cordoncordon- hahaha I'm not admitting to anything but all I can say is I'm glad I went into detective mode or it would've ended a lot worse for me.

And to answer your question- not really wanting much idk I liked her a lot but if I were to pursue her it would go back to square one cause she is young and doesn't know what she wants. Maybe in a few years if things were to happen that way but for now no that would make me stupid and desperate.

Honestly I want her to feel guilty I know that sounds stupid and childish but it's the truth. She's playing the victim which is pissing me off. Also we have a lot of mutual friends and family friends so I definitely don't want it to be awkward.

For instance- I'm going to a football game in 2 weeks and she will be there and I will be in the group she is with. I'm gonna play it just like I did at the bar- say hi and stop giving a ****. I just don't want her trying to talk to me about this.

 

[cordoncordon]

Then yes, just play it cool. Be friendly, happy, non dramafied. You are doing great and life could not be better. Never let her know that you know what you know, and she will always wonder about you and how "you are the one that got away". And who knows, maybe in a year or two, after she has matured a bit, things can change between you two. But for now, I would go the route I described.

Good luck.

 

[Sloweburna707]

What you need to do is meet some other girls, to keep your mind off her. Just like shes was doing with you when you guys were on a "break" to me a "break" is a hall pass for women to get meet other guys and blah blah. If i was in your shoes, after meeting some new girls i would go back to how things first were, in the end if you really like her ask her out she says now well move on.