Non Juan need some tips with dating/hooking up.

[DJProtégèEB]

I'm a 36 years old and I've recently separated from my wife of 15 years. I've never been on my own (from home, to Job Corp (tradeschool with dorms), to roommate, to girlfriend/marriage) until now. I was never a Don Juan growing up, and had a lot of trouble getting girls/women. Foolishly, I thought securing a girlfriend and making her my wife would solve all of those lack of intimacy, confidence, and approach problems. Come to find out it only further hobbled me when it comes to interacting with women. Now I'm in the dating ocean, I see a lot of fish, but I ain't swimming fast enough. And when one of these "fish" get close, I don't say anything at all, and when I work up the courage to say something, it's not genuine and seems forced. Back to square one.

I have met a few girls on Tinder, met up and hooked up with 1 and the other seems like she's trying to steer me into a LTR. That blue pill mindset keeps trying creep in and tell me to secure something so I don't have to stay on this roller-coaster. I'm holding firm, but spinning plates is tough when you one or no plates.

I've read both books by Rollo, The Rational Male and the Rational Male - The Players Handbook. Need to re-read them and visit these forums because I'm lost out here.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

That blue pill mindset keeps trying creep in and tell me to secure something so I don't have to stay on this roller-coaster. I'm holding firm, but spinning plates is tough when you one or no plates.

Not everybody enjoys the rollercoaster.

Some say, fake it until you make it. If that works for you, maybe you can get an abundance mindset by imagining a second plate you need to spin. Like an imaginary friend, but an imaginary lover. So whomever you are dating has to compete with that lover. When the notion of multiple lovers internalises, women will 'know' that you won't be exclusive.

 

[DJProtégèEB]

Not everybody enjoys the rollercoaster.

Some say, fake it until you make it. If that works for you, maybe you can get an abundance mindset by imagining a second plate you need to spin. Like an imaginary friend, but an imaginary lover. So whomever you are dating has to compete with that lover. When the notion of multiple lovers internalises, women will 'know' that you won't be exclusive.

That is some profound advice! While talking to the Tinder girl I hooked up with, she is VERY receptive when I speak from a place of abundance. When I said the other dates I've been on don't compare to the date I had with her, she texted me back and forth for 3 hours! That "imaginary lover" is a great idea, my issue is the not coming off as needy when I really do want to have sex with these women. It's easy when I don't want to, I can just ignore them or keep the conversations away from that topic.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

my issue is the not coming off as needy when I really do want to have sex with these women

Have you heard about the Instant and Delayed Gratification experiment?
For those who do not know it, scientists put a group of children one by one in a distraction-free room with an candy bar and told them they'd be left alone and they could eat the candy bar, but if they waited for the scientist to come back, they would get two candy bars.
After that experiment they followed the lives of both groups, those who needed instant gratification and ate the candy bar, and those who could delay their gratification and got two candy bars. The delayed gratification group scored much better than the other group in basically all areas of life - work, relationships, and happiness.

I tell you, if you can delay your gratification with these women until they rip your clothes off, the sex will be more than twice as good.

 

[DJProtégèEB]

Words to live by. I appreciate your input!

 

[SW15]

I've read both books by Rollo, The Rational Male and the Rational Male - The Players Handbook. Need to re-read them and visit these forums because I'm lost out here.

I've read both of those books too. How could you be lost of reading those books? You might not have all the answers but you'd be headed in the correct direction after both of those books. You need to work on implementing what you read in both of those books.

 

[Divorced w 3]

when I work up the courage to say something, it's not genuine and seems forced. Back to square one.

I have met a few girls on Tinder, met up and hooked up with 1 and the other seems like she's trying to steer me into a LTR. That blue pill mindset keeps trying creep in and tell me to secure something so I don't have to stay on this roller-coaster. I'm holding firm, but spinning plates is tough when you one or no plates.

I've read both books by Rollo, The Rational Male and the Rational Male - The Players Handbook. Need to re-read them and visit these forums because I'm lost out here.

You’re definitely not on square 1. There’s no substitute for experience. You’re doing and saying all of the right things. Keep reading, asking and most importantly doing. Be reflective on your experience both positive and negative. Understand what worked and didn’t, and then continue calibrating and trying.

Check my handle out. We’re in similar spots. I may have been a little more natural out of the gate but when I came here, btw under the same exact circumstances reading those books, but it was when I got here I got a hell of a lot better.

Check out the Book of Pook and Anti-Dump’s Machine. Both easy to find.

 

[Bigpapa]

I'm a 36 years old and I've recently separated from my wife of 15 years. I've never been on my own (from home, to Job Corp (tradeschool with dorms), to roommate, to girlfriend/marriage) until now. I was never a Don Juan growing up, and had a lot of trouble getting girls/women. Foolishly, I thought securing a girlfriend and making her my wife would solve all of those lack of intimacy, confidence, and approach problems. Come to find out it only further hobbled me when it comes to interacting with women. Now I'm in the dating ocean, I see a lot of fish, but I ain't swimming fast enough. And when one of these "fish" get close, I don't say anything at all, and when I work up the courage to say something, it's not genuine and seems forced. Back to square one.

I have met a few girls on Tinder, met up and hooked up with 1 and the other seems like she's trying to steer me into a LTR. That blue pill mindset keeps trying creep in and tell me to secure something so I don't have to stay on this roller-coaster. I'm holding firm, but spinning plates is tough when you one or no plates.

I've read both books by Rollo, The Rational Male and the Rational Male - The Players Handbook. Need to re-read them and visit these forums because I'm lost out here.

Most important thing is to learn how to be social and look like a person that has a good vibe

After that you can ask for advices and stuff like that

Go out every night, learn the good spots for each day, even if you go out only for 1-2 drinks

Most important thing is to get accustomed being among other people and learn on how to be sociable

 

[Realthangpoon]

Most important thing is to learn how to be social and look like a person that has a good vibe

After that you can ask for advices and stuff like that

Go out every night, learn the good spots for each day, even if you go out only for 1-2 drinks

Most important thing is to get accustomed being among other people and learn on how to be sociable

This 100%. Tricks and rules don’t work if your social foundation is off. Good vibes is everything. Imagine the man/woman whose vibe is off and you want to get away as fast as possible. Be the opposite of that, be fun.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

I'm a 36 years old and I've recently separated from my wife of 15 years. I've never been on my own (from home, to Job Corp (tradeschool with dorms), to roommate, to girlfriend/marriage) until now. I was never a Don Juan growing up, and had a lot of trouble getting girls/women. Foolishly, I thought securing a girlfriend and making her my wife would solve all of those lack of intimacy, confidence, and approach problems. Come to find out it only further hobbled me when it comes to interacting with women. Now I'm in the dating ocean, I see a lot of fish, but I ain't swimming fast enough. And when one of these "fish" get close, I don't say anything at all, and when I work up the courage to say something, it's not genuine and seems forced. Back to square one.

I have met a few girls on Tinder, met up and hooked up with 1 and the other seems like she's trying to steer me into a LTR. That blue pill mindset keeps trying creep in and tell me to secure something so I don't have to stay on this roller-coaster. I'm holding firm, but spinning plates is tough when you one or no plates.

I've read both books by Rollo, The Rational Male and the Rational Male - The Players Handbook. Need to re-read them and visit these forums because I'm lost out here.

Get the fu—ck out there (TODAY) and approach every bangable woman at every reasonable chance.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Foolishly, I thought securing a girlfriend and making her my wife would solve all of those lack of intimacy, confidence, and approach problems.

Getting with women and being outwardly successful isn't going to solve your intimacy, self-esteem, and social problems.
Try as you might, but you're getting in your own way if you hit the ground running straight out of a divorce.
Spinning plates and Tinder and approval is going to fix all the lack of connection that led you where you are in the first place?
The real work, is your inner connection.
You're gonna speak from abundance? Act as if you've got your act straight?
How about getting your act straight?

What are your values? How does it feel to live according to them?
How can you create systems that allow you to tap into a rhythm that gives you esteem and peace and happiness, each day?
So that you may spin yourself up to be strong enough to deal with what's to come, when you finally rest and look inwards?
There's a lot of world hiding, but we're not gonna see it if we're running in place, trying to get that easy validation of bagging another hottie.
The fire burns out quickly. It isn't all that it's made up to be.
Nothing is.

Everything can only touch you to the degree that you open up to them.
So open up to yourself.
Want to be a real man? Sit with yourself in solitude and don't look away.
Dare to feel, to be creative, and to express.
You're made out of marble and you've forgotten who you are.

Or go get that woman.
But you'll find out one sweet day, when you're laying next to her.
This most incredible person that you've spent your whole life acquiring,
Is also unsatisfying. You'll find faults with your life. You'll fall out of each other,
under all the weight that you accumulated trying to acquire her.

The work is not to find a person to love, but of learning how to love.
It is an art and a practice, one much more worthy of pursuit than deploying tricks as scaffolding.

 

[DJProtégèEB]

I've read both of those books too. How could you be lost of reading those books? You might not have all the answers but you'd be headed in the correct direction after both of those books. You need to work on implementing what you read in both of those books.

Yeah, I read the books but not a lot of action to follow. Thinking I can "think" my way out of my slump is what's keeping me where I am. Gotta act more.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

Take so much action the thinking mind stops. Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

 

[DJProtégèEB]

Most important thing is to learn how to be social and look like a person that has a good vibe

After that you can ask for advices and stuff like that

Go out every night, learn the good spots for each day, even if you go out only for 1-2 drinks

Most important thing is to get accustomed being among other people and learn on how to be sociable

I like this advice. I gotta admit, the fear in my chest thinking about going out every night is deep. I know this will help me with my interactions, but it's like weightlifting, should I really be trying to throw on the most plates when I've barely lifted at all?

I'm all good with doing the tough/scary ****. But building up is important when starting out. To increase my tolerance for social interactions, I now go into stores/restaurants vs the drive thru, and I go to the cashiers vs self check-out. And as scared as I am, I plan to go to the bar and hang out there. I wouldn't say scared, just out of my element and alone. But still, I NEED to do this more.

 

[DJProtégèEB]

Take so much action the thinking mind stops. Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Think less and do more. That's harder than it sounds for an overthinker....this falls in line with the going out every night advice. Go out every night, no time to sit at home or in the car, over-analyzing how I could've done or said something different.