No contact, is it OK to respond if her female friend texts me on her behalf?

[jnMissouri]

We had a really bad breakup, she messed up big, so she's unlikely to reach out directly for fear of rejection. After 2 weeks of no contact, she tried to do something in an app we shared that she knew would send me a notification and might trigger me to reach out. It indicated she still had the app and was waiting for us to reconcile since she would have just deleted it already otherwise. She and I only used the app with each other.

When I did not reach out, the next day she had her female friend who I had texted the day of our break up text me a cryptic text pretending to say hi to my ex knowing full well it was me she was saying hi to, I had identified myself in my text two weeks prior and she just sent a text back saying Hi so and so wavy hand emoji all of a sudden a day after my ex tried to get my attention via an app. Not a coincidence...

I sent a benign response about it being a crazy weekend and just now seeing the message a day later and that I’m not her, etc. I thought this was maybe an attempt to open a dialogue but….her friend never texted back and it’s been three days. Coach Lee on YouTube says if they reach out you should respond. This was clearly a coordinated text between her and her friend so I responded to her friend.

What’s going on? Did I fall for a “he’s still reachable” trap even though I texted her FRIEND back, not her? Again she won't reach out directly because the way we broke up is a BIIIIG hurdle for her, I'm sure she fears rejection from me. I sent a BENIGN text response, not anything asking about her, no I miss her, tell her I said hi or anything. But I’m worried this was an escalation to her previous attempt to contact me indirectly just to see if I’m still reach able. Did I fail here by responding considering there was no response back? Or was she hoping for a more meaningful response from me and my response was cold and almost as if I've moved on?

But, that said, she still had the app we shared between us for our relationship and there are other signs she is holding out for me (no dating profile, took it down, etc.)

So was she just seeing if she still has control over me? Or did she think based on my benign response that I've moved on? I don't think it was BAD to respond, since I took a day to and sent a benign response. But why no response back for 3+ days so far?

 

[Dr.Suave]

Doesnt matter. Never go back to an ex. Keep meeting new girls.

 

[jnMissouri]

Doesnt matter. Never go back to an ex. Keep meeting new girls.

I am dating a few new girls, but 1) none of them compare to her in looks and personality and 2) I don't want to go BACK to my ex as far as a relationship, I want just a sexual relationship with her, which was something we had agreed to long before we broke up, that it if ever got that bad between us, we'd keep each other for amazing sex. She's a borderline, they are hard to walk away from completely.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Sounds good. Reach out to her, invite her over to your place for "dinner and amazing sex". Whatever you do, just never give her exclusivity again and you should be fine.

 

[jnMissouri]

Sounds good. Reach out to her, invite her over to your place for "dinner and amazing sex". Whatever you do, just never give her exclusivity again and you should be fine.

Why is that? I don't intend to but I feel like you're getting at something here.

Also, would be good to know your perspective on my post if you'd please read it. It'll give me a clue as to whether she wants me to reach out or....

 

[spred]

If the breakup was her fault and she is indeed trying to reach out, the method used shows you she is immature and doesn’t accept responsibility.
If the breakup was your fault and she is trying to initiate, this would mean she is looking for validation and expects you to reach out. Is still immature.

 

[Billtx49]

She's a borderline, they are hard to walk away from completely.

Yep, my borderline used her daughter to also try and trigger me with fake / mistake emails sent.
A month later she starts using my own daughter to spy on me for a few years…
If she’s really BPD, don’t be surprised by strange things happening. Sane men don’t usually understand or explain crazy…

 

[jnMissouri]

If the breakup was her fault and she is indeed trying to reach out, the method used shows you she is immature and doesn’t accept responsibility.
If the breakup was your fault and she is trying to initiate, this would mean she is looking for validation and expects you to reach out. Is still immature.

The breakup was technically her fault, but she blamed me and tried to gas light me, her borderline narc personality maintains the victim frame. She was clearly trying to reach out, but why no response from her friend after I sent the benign response? I can't see how she got any validation from that then disappeared, I didn't ask about her, I basically said I had a wild weekend hence why it took me long to respond and that this is not her. Yet poof, no response back nearly 4 days later...either she took my text as a dis that I've moved on or she got validation that I was interested just from texting that back to her friend. Note I didn't ask about her, I didn't say I miss her, nothing.

 

[Barrister]

@jnMissouri

You are putting WAY too much thought into this interaction. I would solve it by blocking the friend right now. Who cares what your ex thinks as far as "being afraid of rejection." You are done - stop thinking about this in this way. Your mind is envisioning her reaching out and you rejecting her and all it is doing is delaying you from completely moving on. You are waiting (perhaps even wanting) her to reach out to you in some way. If it was otherwise, you wouldn't be making this post here in the first place.

If she is truly BPD, the best way to deal with her is to simply remove every part of her from your life and not look back. This includes disposing of her probably equally crazy friends. I know from experience it is hard to simply unplug from a Cluster B ex, but you have to be diligent in your No Contact in order to move on as quickly as possible. This includes communicating with her friends.

Good luck.

 

[spred]

The breakup was technically her fault, but she blamed me and tried to gas light me, her borderline narc personality maintains the victim frame. She was clearly trying to reach out, but why no response from her friend after I sent the benign response? I can't see how she got any validation from that then disappeared, I didn't ask about her, I basically said I had a wild weekend hence why it took me long to respond and that this is not her. Yet poof, no response back nearly 4 days later...either she took my text as a dis that I've moved on or she got validation that I was interested just from texting that back to her friend. Note I didn't ask about her, I didn't say I miss her, nothing.

There could be other explanations:
- she texted you from her friend phone without the friend knowing
- the friend may have texted you with the intention of opening a conversation and later in that conversation to ask you about your ex
- your ex and her friend might have done this together then changed their minds when you didn’t bite…

 

[Chuck Taylor]

No.

 

[jnMissouri]

There could be other explanations:
- she texted you from her friend phone without the friend knowing
- the friend may have texted you with the intention of opening a conversation and later in that conversation to ask you about your ex
- your ex and her friend might have done this together then changed their minds when you didn’t bite…

That's the thing, my response was not really taking the bait right? I merely texted I had a crazy weekend, just getting to her text, and that I'm not her. That's it. I didn't say oh I miss her and I want her back, I didn't ask her friend about her, just detached. And I even took a day to respond.

Her texting from her friends phone did cross my mind.

 

[jnMissouri]

Yep, my borderline used her daughter to also try and trigger me with fake / mistake emails sent.
A month later she starts using my own daughter to spy on me for a few years…
If she’s really BPD, don’t be surprised by strange things happening. Sane men don’t usually understand or explain crazy…

Yeah, last time we broke up for a few days and I went NC, she texted me a few days later with a made up package delivered to her office with no sender but it was addressed to her...she really went on about it for days after we got back together to really sell me the story. What the package was, etc. It was an OBVIOUS attempt to break the silence.

Come to think of it, that's probably what the text from her friend was. But I didn't really bite like last time and call her. Big reason is that I merely replied to the friends text, since that's who it came from.

 

[Billtx49]

Big reason is that I merely replied to the friends text, since that's who it came from.

All I did was to forward the fake back to her daughter. If it was a legitimate mistake, it let her know, and the no word reply said everything I wanted it to say…

 

[jnMissouri]

All I did was to forward the fake back to her daughter. If it was a legitimate mistake, it let her know, and the no word reply said everything I wanted it to say…

So Bill, what's your take on my situation? Yes, I get I'm putting thought into it, it's my personality, I can't just turn it off. Was she trying to get me to contact her and didn't get enough of a response from me? Or something else? I can't see how she would get any validation from my text back to her friend. I didn't ask about her, I didn't say I miss her or want her back, I didn't reply instantly. I replied a day and a half later saying I had a crazy weekend and am just now getting to the message, and that I'm not her. Or was that enough to give her validation?

As you know, BPD women never give up, so even though she has ghosted since my response to her friend, I suspect she may reach out again eventually. The way things ended between us is a BIIIIG hurdle for her to reach out to me directly. I don't see that happening as I'm pretty sure she is fearful of me rejecting her which would CRUSH her.

 

[Billtx49]

So Bill, what's your take on my situation?

As you know, BPD women never give up

You know about her mental personality state and that you can do better.

She Will give up if you recognize that you have to be the one to stand up and stop her personality cycling by breaking contact completely …

 

[jnMissouri]

You know about her mental personality state and that you can do better.

She Will give up if you recognize that you have to be the one to stand up and stop her personality cycling by breaking contact completely …

You're not answering the specific questions I asked though, I keep asking and you keep avoiding...

 

[Billtx49]

You're not answering the specific questions I asked though, I keep asking and you keep avoiding...

Let’s take it one question at a time then so you can understand. Ask a question, fire away…

 

[jnMissouri]

So I just posted on a womens forum posing as a girl lol. Every girl said that what "my boyfried" (what I wrote to her friend) wrote back was a blow off, non-chalant, didn't ask about her, etc. So now I know why there is no response. Make no mistake, I don't want a relationship with her, just free ass from her because she's hot and all she's good for....

 

[jnMissouri]

Let’s take it one question at a time then so you can understand. Ask a question, fire away…

The question is in my OP....read the OP. You need the background. Though I think I figured out why her friend has not responded. See my post above.