No contact in a triangle: Experience report

[cupraikso]

I want to share an experience (and failure) of implementing no-contact during a triangle. In another thread, it was suggested that the girl in a triangle gravitates towards the guy that becomes more distant. It was not true in my case and circumstance.

So I was recently in a triangle with a girl that had a LTR for 2.5 years. We were having regular contact, and we were all-physical, but without sex (because of stupid living arrangement at the moment). This went on for more than a month. She was CRAZY into me, to the point of wanting me to see everyday, for as long as she could, make out, being close to me all the time. I was providing attention, perhaps more than I should have been providing. The last couple of days before the no-contact she was talking openly about her boyfriend, but before she never brought him up. This made me think that I was not being a challenge anymore, that I was being too attentive, and that I was not attractive to her anymore (although everything else remained the same, physicality, making out, texting me all the time).

So I cut all contact for four days. She texted me only once asking whether everything was OK, and I did not reply. It was not until the fifth day that she actually called and I answered. She was extremely pissed off. The next day we talked and she told me that I brought her into extreme depression those days and the only person that was there for her was her boyfriend. She went on to say that her boyfriend would never cut off contact like that, and that she was thankful that I had done that because she could now appreciate what she had. She told me to stop pursuing her, and that maybe later on we could be friends. She said that she never believed that I could do that to her, and now she saw me differently.

Now, I'm suspecting that she wanted to go back to her boyfriend and the no-contact only served as the perfect excuse for letting me go. However, I did not anticipate for it to backfire in such a way.

Oh well, live and learn.

My only rationalization is that if whatever relationship we had could not survive four days of disappearing, maybe it wasn't strong enough. Or maybe it was a severely stupid move on my part. I'm still thinking about it.



EDIT: I forgot to add why I answered the phone. Actually, I read this, and made me worry a bit. It turns out that this advice is SPOT-ON.

Cheaters will re-enter honeymoon phase after breaking off their cheating relationship. Makes sense to me to get as much sex/free stuff out of the relationship before breaking up, and then you make them feel secure for the drop (which devastates them even more).

I mean that if you are married..and your spouse suddenly gets super appreciative of you, great sex, doesn't mind the things that usually piss them off, they have rentered the "honeymoon phase", now it's time to investigate why? Maybe not cheating, maybe their best friend lost their SO, and they are realizing that they took you for granted..but its also a possibility that they are cheating on you and that relationship just ended, now they have no back up plan so they have to make sure there "main" relationship lasts.

 

[garruk]

I want to share an experience (and failure) of implementing no-contact during a triangle. In another thread, it was suggested that the girl in a triangle gravitates towards the guy that becomes more distant. It was not true in my case and circumstance.

So I was recently in a triangle with a girl that had a LTR for 2.5 years. We were having regular contact, and we were all-physical, but without sex (because of stupid living arrangement at the moment). This went on for more than a month. She was CRAZY into me, to the point of wanting me to see everyday, for as long as she could, make out, being close to me all the time. I was providing attention, perhaps more than I should have been providing. The last couple of days before the no-contact she was talking openly about her boyfriend, but before she never brought him up. This made me think that I was not being a challenge anymore, that I was being too attentive, and that I was not attractive to her anymore (although everything else remained the same, physicality, making out, texting me all the time).

So I cut all contact for four days. She texted me only once asking whether everything was OK, and I did not reply. It was not until the fifth day that she actually called and I answered. She was extremely pissed off. The next day we talked and she told me that I brought her into extreme depression those days and the only person that was there for her was her boyfriend. She went on to say that her boyfriend would never cut off contact like that, and that she was thankful that I had done that because she could now appreciate what she had. She told me to stop pursuing her, and that maybe later on we could be friends. She said that she never believed that I could do that to her, and now she saw me differently.

Now, I'm suspecting that she wanted to go back to her boyfriend and the no-contact only served as the perfect excuse for letting me go. However, I did not anticipate for it to backfire in such a way.

Oh well, live and learn.

My only rationalization is that if whatever relationship we had could not survive four days of disappearing, maybe it wasn't strong enough. Or maybe it was a severely stupid move on my part. I'm still thinking about it.



EDIT: I forgot to add why I answered the phone. Actually, I read this, and made me worry a bit. It turns out that this advice is SPOT-ON.

a year or so ago, i went NC on a girl i really liked while she was away on vacation. This was because I found out she was texting her ex.

when she came back from vacation, our relationship quickly died and she cited my 3 days of NC as a major contributing factor to her feeling less interest in me.

whether or not thats really the case is questionable because as well all know...girls dont always speak (even know) the truth.

 

[cupraikso]

That's interesting. Maybe NC in these situations is not advisable after all?

 

[joverby]

What's better, having the relationship end or being strung along as a 3rd wheel not getting anything out of it and not being sure where it's going?

Go get a girl not emotionally wrapped up.

 

[scribblec]

well first of all what were u expecting from this cheating *****?? did u want a relationship was it just the sex? oh wait there was no sex or relationship so why are u so downbeat??

the nc thing is just an excuse because she was bored of the attention day in day out she had u hooked like a herion addict and she didnt even need to drop her panties.... alll those make out sessions and u didnt escalate once?

 

[cupraikso]

Because, well, call me an idiot, but aside from the cheating, the girl had qualities I had never found in another girl. Incredibly smart (genius-level IQ), giving, compassionate, excellent conversationalist, rational, above average looks, not overly concerned about appearance (never used makeup), and incredibly slim, very healthy eater, had geek interests (excellent at playing music, computer games, etc.), and incredibly kind. Had only two serious relationships.

I thought I had found someone worth having an LTR with, although the cheating had to be addressed at some point.

She justified the cheating because she was "drifting apart" and "found her soulmate" with me.

And yeah, I escalated, and she wanted it. Unfortunately, due to our living situations it was not possible to proceed further.

That's the kind of girl I've wanted all along, and finding another one with those qualities is very hard. That's why I'm downbeat.

 

[Korrupt]

Because, well, call me an idiot, but aside from the cheating, the girl had qualities I had never found in another girl. Incredibly smart (genius-level IQ), giving, compassionate, excellent conversationalist, rational, above average looks, not overly concerned about appearance (never used makeup), and incredibly slim, very healthy eater, had geek interests (excellent at playing music, computer games, etc.), and incredibly kind. Had only two serious relationships.

How come the ones that seem like keepers (and REALLY attract you) always end up being f*cked up completely? Sociopathic, personality disordered, extreme game players/manipulators, cheaters, ect.. Seriously, is this some kind of cruel joke by God?

That's the kind of girl I've wanted all along, and finding another one with those qualities is very hard. That's why I'm downbeat.

Tell me about it.. Finding someone you genuinely connect with (or at least someone you THINK you genuinely connect with) physically AND emotionally, is damn near impossible to find (and a lot better and more fulfilling than random sex).

 

[cupraikso]

How come the ones that seem like keepers (and REALLY attract you) always end up being f*cked up completely? Sociopathic, personality disordered, extreme game players/manipulators, cheaters, ect.. Seriously, is this some kind of cruel joke by God?

That's exactly what I was thinking. It looks like everything's perfect BUT, and there's a big "but" always involved. It's interesting that through my life (I'm 29) I've found all kinds of girls with desirable characteristics, but never found them ALL in the same girl. And then the girl is unattainable in some stupid way. It's messed up.

Tell me about it.. Finding someone you genuinely connect with (or at least someone you THINK you genuinely connect with) physically AND emotionally, is damn near impossible to find (and a lot better and more fulfilling than random sex).

Trust me, I didn't give a flying F about sex with this girl, although I escalated physically quickly for I knew I was going to be doomed otherwise. I was certainly curious about sex with her, because I imagined it would be a completely different experience having sex with someone you truly connect in a "spiritual" or whatever way, but that was never the goal. I certainly knew that having sex was going to make things easier for me, but well, it was not possible at that moment. Just hanging out, treating her like a little girl, making her laugh, was extremely fulfilling. I admired her "deeper" qualities, her ability to think deeply about something, to see the good in everything, to treat me like a king, and well, she really admired me too (not just because she said it, but she tried to demonstrate that she was good enough for me in many ways, many times).

I even --gasp!-- considered marriage with this girl (and that's something I had completely ruled out from my life when I was about 24).

It's terribly depressing. Yeah, there's a fckload of woman everywhere, but I'm smart enough to know that those qualities are not easy to find in any way.

It took me 29 years of wading through undesirable women to find this one.

I think I'll go back to seeking just sex from women, and nothing else.

 

[Alle_Gory]

I think I'll go back to...

Don't be a fvcking quitter. If you want something you don't give up.

My advice: Take a break and try again.

 

[cupraikso]

Don't be a fvcking quitter. If you want something you don't give up.

My advice: Take a break and try again.

You mean, with the same girl?

 

[Alle_Gory]

You mean, with the same girl?

It's up to you. You think she's worth the effort or should you be putting that effort towards someone else?

 

[cupraikso]

It's up to you. You think she's worth the effort or should you be putting that effort towards someone else?

I'm definitely sure she's worth the effort, however, I am not sure what's left to do. It sounds like I've been nexted by her, although I still receive texts from her everyday (she initiates them). I can be patient still.

I should have listened to your advice before doing no-contact. My gut said not to do it, but since it has always worked so well for me in the past, I believed it would also work this time (either to forget her or to get her to realize I can leave).

 

[Alle_Gory]

I'm definitely sure she's worth the effort, however, I am not sure what's left to do.

You speak from your mind or from your feelings?

It sounds like I've been nexted by her, although I still receive texts from her everyday (she initiates them). I can be patient still.

You don't care. You care what you do and what effect you have more than what she thinks of you. If she's mad at you this shouldn't phase you.

I should have listened to your advice before doing no-contact. My gut said not to do it, but since it has always worked so well for me in the past, I believed it would also work this time (either to forget her or to get her to realize I can leave).

When you start to think about all the possibilities and all the things you could have done your mind starts to wander and you begin to feel like crap. "Oh things would have been better if I did this. Things would have been better if I were this. Things would be better if I did this and I talked to this person and... "

NO THEY WOULDN'T. You don't know how things could have turned out different. The only thing you can do is make use of what you have right now and make the best decisions you think and feel are right. You have your own judgment and it's worked pretty good so far hasn't it? So you made some mistakes. Learn from them and try to become wiser as a result.

Make the best decisions you can.

Right now though, I think she has retreated from you. She's still contacting you so you have to take some steps back to the near the beginning... just after you met her and started talking to her.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

^^Allegory, great advice^^

Definitely rehashing things in a cyclical loop of could-haves and what-if-I's will drive you to the madhouse (trust me from personal experience).

Getting involved with a chick who has a BF is going to cause problems. I suppose if you were a completely disconnected person, and were able to *only* have sex with her while ignoring any *human bonding*, than it might be something some men can do. BUT -- you clearly were concerned about a relationship with her, seemed to *want* a relationship with her -- and because of this you're just in a bad spot. She's got a boyfriend. Her heart is partially invested in him. Either he is fvcking up, or she is psycho, and you are now involved. Do you need to be involved with a woman who is (a) willing to cheat, (b) placing you in a match between her and her BF? And do you really want to fvck around with someone else's damaged relationship?

The best thing to do is move away from the situation entirely.

Do everything you can not to contact her, to avoid responding, and to focusing your life on your next step towards a greater level of happiness.

It's the only way. You won't be able to have what you want from this situation. Go for single girls next time and it will be less uphill.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Do you need to be involved with a woman who is (a) willing to cheat, (b) placing you in a match between her and her BF? And do you really want to fvck around with someone else's damaged relationship?

Some people don't mind that. It's up to the guy to decide if the girl is worth it even with these glaring problems.

Chances are if she cheats on the BF, she'll cheat on you even if you get her.

 

[49au]

Chances are if she cheats on the BF, she'll cheat on you even if you get her.

This.

You dodged a bullet.

 

[cupraikso]

This.

You dodged a bullet.

I firmly adhere to the belief that any girl can cheat given the right circumstances.

 

[49au]

I firmly adhere to the belief that any girl can cheat given the right circumstances.

... and some require less perfect circumstances than others.




Were her and the ex broken up, or on a "break?" If not, then she is just another cheating wh0re. The sad thing is that you didn't bang her. Can't take her home? Get a hotel. Don't want to spend the money? Bang her in the car. Bang her at a party. Bang her out on some nature trail. Whatever. You can easily find a place.

 

[Ease]

Adressing the people commenting seriously on this thread: what do you expect from a guy who considered marriage with a girl he was with for 1 month and had not yet had sex with?

OP you need to appreciate what a douchebag you look like here.

And let me tell you, she could see much, much clearer than us what a real douchebag you were acting like. It is no wonder she ran for the hills back to her even bigger douchebag boyfriend. And he is guarenteed to be a douchebag from your story if you are wondering.

 

[cupraikso]

Adressing the people commenting seriously on this thread: what do you expect from a guy who considered marriage with a girl he was with for 1 month and had not yet had sex with?

OP you need to appreciate what a douchebag you look like here.

And let me tell you, she could see much, much clearer than us what a real douchebag you were acting like. It is no wonder she ran for the hills back to her even bigger douchebag boyfriend. And he is guarenteed to be a douchebag from your story if you are wondering.

I'm very receptive to criticism. I must say I only considered marriage in my head.

But why douchebag? I can see why I look like chump or wuss, but not a douchebag. English is not my native language, and douchebag sounds like 'a-hole' to me.

I would be grateful if you could be a bit more clear, I want to see what you clearly see.