new to the game, done ok but failing?

[dianabol.uk]

Hi Everyone from sunny England!

Brief story. I was married 10 years, 1 child, I was the hard workin provider, got fat, boring maybe, etc etc. Wife had affair, I tried to work at it failed, she moved out, got BF. I was left behind. After a year of "trying to get her back" i gave up, and moved on. I had to get my sh1t in order and quick for others to be interested.

I work in a prison gym with hardcore criminals, the worst pretty much in the UK. So started workin out with them guys, I went from fat boy to Van damme in 6 months. I look very good now i can say! Joined internet datin, I must have ticked the freak and liars wanted box, met plenty of em. Saw this site and have learnt a lot! I have done very well in the bars, very quiet pubs, clubs etc. Got la1d quite a few times, was not ready for LTR, so all good.

BUT on the day i cancelled my Internet date site, i got a message from a girl who ticked all the boxes. She was "seeing" someone she met online but liked my profile. I played it cool, fuelled her interest and we met and hit it off 1st night.

She is very attractive, a fitness model, she works out more than me. 2 kids, own house etc etc. Treated like pants from ex, and been single 2 years. Doesnt go out much, fantastic in the sack, she also says im the only guy ever to satisfy her completely sexually. Lots in common.

well, what mistakes have i made?

I bought her a couple of gifts, which she likes, only perfume etc, I get on great with the kids, both young and like me, I have cooked her dinner at hers, she says no one has cooked for her before.

To be honest i am quite a catch for her, a fit guy, very good job, great with her kids, great with her, good in the house, can cook etc etc.

But i suppose that is bad! for the short term.And we are only 2 weeks in!

well yesterday morning she said to come round hers a 1.30 to walk the dog together with kids. I went round, her car wasnt there, so i wated and waited. She didnt show, so went home and called. She had already gone at 12. It P1ssed me off. She said drive down and meet her at park. I did (idiot!) After she said she would call after her kids were in bed and for me to come round. usually about 9pm. 10.30 she called and said she was tired and we could speak on IM later on. I was on pc for a while but she didnt go online.

I feel whipped! I know she REALLY likes me, but i am not gonne be a beck and call boy. So tactics anyone. I am not gonna call, im going out with friends today. i wont answer phone either.

any thoughts / tactics?

 

[jophil28]

well, what mistakes have i made?

I bought her a couple of gifts, which she likes, only perfume etc, I get on great with the kids, both young and like me, I have cooked her dinner at hers, she says no one has cooked for her before.

To be honest i am quite a catch for her, a fit guy, very good job, great with her kids, great with her, good in the house, can cook etc etc.

But i suppose that is bad! for the short term.And we are only 2 weeks in!

well yesterday morning she said to come round hers a 1.30 to walk the dog together with kids. I went round, her car wasnt there, so i wated and waited. She didnt show, so went home and called. She had already gone at 12. It P1ssed me off. She said drive down and meet her at park. I did (idiot!) After she said she would call after her kids were in bed and for me to come round. usually about 9pm. 10.30 she called and said she was tired and we could speak on IM later on. I was on pc for a while but she didnt go online.

I feel whipped! I know she REALLY likes me, but i am not gonne be a beck and call boy. So tactics anyone. I am not gonna call, im going out with friends today. i wont answer phone either.

any thoughts / tactics?

Geez, another genuine guy who is getting kicked to the curb.
You want the bad news or the worse news first ?
Do not listen to what women SAY - they lie to get what they want.
The greater truth is in their BEHAVIOR and what she is telling you (in the language of behavior) is that her IL has dropped thru the floor. She is also trying to irritate and exasperate you by playing "now you see me and now you don't". Why ? Simple - to provoke you into breaking up with her because she is too cowardly to tell you directly that she is bored with you already.

The mistakes that you made are myriad - here are a few biggies.

You have presented yourself as a "new daddy" , become her cook and her nanny as well as her sex toy in two weeks !! Look at how MIUCH you have provided to her in two weeks
To her, you are NO challenge, there is no sexual tension left to build , no "hard to get man" tactics ...
What have you left her to do except dump you ?

You need this forum and David D and a few other dating gurus urgently.
Stick around .

 

[guru1000]

Women will do whatever they KNOW they can get away with. They will push your boundaries day in and day out. This is a classic case of not properly setting and enforcing boundaries.

From the first day, you have to make clear COVERTLY that you are not a knock around guy. Plate spinning is preached here often. Why? Plate spinning gives one a WEALTH mentality (vs scarcity) that exudes confidence. Genuine confidence is your covert (woman's language) weapon saying "Hey, treat me with high IL or you will be tossed."

As the relationship progresses usually between 2-4 dates(plate), this is when you can use overt communication.

"Hey, this many sound ridiculous but this is what I expect from you."

If a woman's behavior is not shaped or directed she will do whatver she wants. You must make it clear if she chooses to be FLAKEY you will WALK away. Remember this must be done through covert and overt communications. Covert through your confidence (wealth mentality) and overt through (direct communication).

Your power lies in one fact. YOU WILL WALK AWAY. She has to know this and beleive it.

You also must realize your universe revolves around you. Never the woman. This means if she CHOOSES to be flakey, you must be prepared to walk away. You must follow through. Your VALUABLE time is better spent on one who can reciprocate your interest level and energies.

Good luck and welcome aboard.

 

[dianabol.uk]

Thanks guys, i thought as much. She did tell me she wanted a relationship with all these things, so i just followed! WRONG OF ME!

So complete change of tactics. I can walk away if needed. I had a 10 year marriage of abuse and breakup , so this is small fry.

She text me this morning, saying she was walking thw dog and what lovely weather it was. I have not replied. Just went up the pub with my friends. Home now, and after a few beers a bit worse for wear! But im not gonna reply.

I know i must let her chase. If i go really dark, that might push for a response? if i pull the blanket away so quick and sudden>? ideas of what to say and do guys?

I dont like being told a time then her not showing. I am the one with the good job, money, looks and stuff to offer.

ideas how to play this?

 

[Last Man Standing]

The mistakes that you made are myriad - here are a few biggies.

You have presented yourself as a "new daddy" , become her cook and her nanny as well as her sex toy in two weeks !! Look at how MIUCH you have provided to her in two weeks
To her, you are NO challenge, there is no sexual tension left to build , no "hard to get man" tactics ...
What have you left her to do except dump you ? .

Did you massage her feet yet?

You're head over heels for a hor!!! Say that three times as fast! You are doing all the loving behavior a man does for his wife - she is not your wife!! Hors need to be pimped and not loved and catered to!!

She wants your body but she doesn't want you!!! Wake up!

And why in the hell is she having a strange man around her children - she barely knows you!!!!

 

[cordoncordon]

You moved way to fast. #1 reason for failure in relationships these days is rushing into things. You were cooking for her, seeing her kids, giving presents, sexing, all in 2 weeks?

Oh my!

 

[dianabol.uk]

yep i know, all big mistakes and i should have known better. She is a great girl, but i can walk away.


What i would really like to know is any tactics to salvage this? May help some others out there too! Its only 2 weeks, and she is messaging me. I have not answered, but the phone will ring soon! what to say?

how to gain the power back !!! ???

 

[joekerr31]

jophil is bang on the money about women do NOT say what they mean. they say what they think will get them what they want.

the GOOD news is that they are HORRIBLE at behaving, long term, in ways that fool you. what i mean is that if you observe their behavior the truth of who they are becomes GLARINGLY obvious. i've often said, women can't decieve you long term, only you can decieve yourself, but listening to what they say instead of what they do.

the only mistake i think you've made in all this was interacting with her kids so early. you should wait at least a 1-3 months before even meeting the kids.

you have to question what kind of mother is introducing a man she has only known for 2 weeks to her kids? does she do this with all guys? are these kids meeting a new bloke every couple of weeks or what? this is NOT good parenting.

now, as for what she is up to... here's my take. as humans we often want what we dont have, then when we get it, we want what we use to have. people are messed up this way. i know lots of super successful people who will tell you the most fun they ever had working was some menial job they had as a teenager. now that they are super successful they look back on those carefree menial jobs with longing. humans are just like this.

so yes, she was in to you and probably was chasing after you for a serious intimate relationship. but because you guys moved to fast to soon, she suddenly got cold feet. she went from 'i want a man', to getting a man, and then thinking 'hang on a second, maybe i want to stay independent!'

the mistake you've made is you moved too quickly. single moms want a man, but they also want to be independent, and they are torn between the two. so you have to go SLOWLY (even when they want to move fast).

anyway, i still think it was wrong of her to be introducing you to her kids so early in the relationship. i think it reflects poor judgement on her part (and yours to be honest).

regardless though, i dont think she is consciously trying to mess with you here. i think because you guys moved so quickly she now has cold feet - she feels like because of the speed things are moving at that she either has to commit or cut loose. it appears that right now she is favoring the cut loose.

the mistake you are making now is you are dealing with a woman who is showing all kinds of signs of immaturity. bringing men around her kids, going from hot to cold in 2 weeks, seeing you when she was basically in another relationship, etc.

all of these things are bad bad bad.

and you are being an idiot also by giving her gifts. i mean, wtf.

you should chalk this one up as a learning experience and move on. and next time TAKE THINGS SLOWLY.

the fact that you moved so quickly tells me that you are desperate to be back in a relationship. which tells me that you haven't learned your lesson from your first marriage and are very likely to repeat whatever mistakes it was that lead you to marry the first women (who ultimately dumped your *ss).

SLOW DOWN man. if you just slow down and take your time you are going to make much better decisions down the road.

its kind of like driving a car. if you're racing through the streets at 150 miles per hour, its really hard to take in information of the world around you, because its rushing by. and all kinds of things can go wrong, you don't see a kid rush into the street, you don't notice the street you were looking for a drive by it, the cops start chasing you, etc.

but if you slow down and drive the speed limit you have time to notice the world around you. you can read the street signs, if a kid is in the street you have time to stop, etc.

relationships are very similar. GO SLOW and you will remain in control - go fast and you're gonna crash. (hehe, i just noticed that rhymes).

 

[Last Man Standing]

yep i know, all big mistakes and i should have known better. She is a great girl, but i can walk away.


What i would really like to know is any tactics to salvage this? May help some others out there too! Its only 2 weeks, and she is messaging me. I have not answered, but the phone will ring soon! what to say?

how to gain the power back !!! ???

She is not a great girl - you just like the sex - her physical!! Her spirit is nothing special!! You pretty much did everything already - you can't just act cold. I suggest she come to your place and don't go to hers - you lead and see if she follows!

 

[joekerr31]

yep i know, all big mistakes and i should have known better. She is a great girl, but i can walk away.


What i would really like to know is any tactics to salvage this? May help some others out there too! Its only 2 weeks, and she is messaging me. I have not answered, but the phone will ring soon! what to say?

how to gain the power back !!! ???

dude, you've only known her for 2 weeks! how can you say she is a 'great' girl?!!!

what you do know is that you have high interest in her and that she is in good physical shape. neither of those things make her a 'great girl'. she could be a lunatic for all you know, you haven't known her long enough to know the real her yet.

it may be hard to hear, but you are thinking the way an AFC thinks. you need to read all the posts in the mature man forum for hte past 6 months. trust me, the answers you are looking for are in them.

 

[Last Man Standing]

I edited my misspelling - it should have said , "you just CAN'T act cold".

Joekerr, he is head over heels for her physical body - lust! She is going to tear him up mentally/emotionally! We know what happens when men lose their reason!!

 

[joekerr31]

I edited my misspelling - it should have said , "you just CAN'T act cold".

Joekerr, he is head over heels for her physical body - lust! She is going to tear him up mentally/emotionally! We know what happens when men lose their reason!!

lms, i agree 100%. hence why i say, she is not a 'great woman' - he only thinks this because he's horny for her.

but i don't think getting laid is whats causing him to lose his reason, since he states that he's been doing well with women since he's gotten in shape.

what's messing him up is that i think he is eager to be in another relationship. i think he's eager to get back into the role of being the provider.

even though he has the goods to go out there and bang a different hottie every week - instead of relishing that fact he's upset that this ONE woman won't commit to him.

for whatever the reason, this guy REALLY wants to be back in a committed relationship. although im totally guessing here, i think subconsciously a lot of that probably has to do with showing up his ex.

he got dumped on his *ss and i think he would love to land some hottie, settle down with her and be able to show his ex 'see, i'm da man. i've rebuilt my life and have it all now. you could have had this if you hadn't dumped me on my *ss. you lose b*tch!"

he's still carrying around baggage from his marriage i think that is effecting what he is looking for from women and from life.

 

[Interceptor]

This is ALLLLL about ASSERTING your SELF, and YOUR WANTS and NEEDS versus hers.


You must maintain your IDENTITY and YOUR PRIORITIES at ALL TIMES !

No exceptions.

None.

this is why it is important to understand the bargaining and negotiations, and politics of relationships.

You cannot be a push over man.

This is impossible.

A MAN, a REAL MAN cannot BE a PUSH OVER.


You must keep your Priorities and ETHICS and VALUE intact at all times.
This is called INTEGRITY.

And women will push on it to see who you really are.

The more obvious one's LACK of OPTIONS the more DESPERATE and NEEDY , thus, the more YOU WILL PUT UP WITH.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT REAL "QUALITY" WOMEN DO NOT WANT.


Once they KNOW you are a push over, it's over.
Game over.
She KNOWS.....

When males are a slave to sex and intimacy, and thus, are not independent and striong enough to ward off the attempts at piercing boundaries and manipulation, then they are boy-men at the mercy and whims and moods of whatever manipulative woman they come in contact with.

When males do NOT KNOW WHAT they REALLY Want,
many Women will be more than happy to force THEIR IDEA of what they want ON YOU.

 

[Last Man Standing]

lms, i agree 100%. hence why i say, she is not a 'great woman' - he only thinks this because he's horny for her.

but i don't think getting laid is whats causing him to lose his reason, since he states that he's been doing well with women since he's gotten in shape.

what's messing him up is that i think he is eager to be in another relationship. i think he's eager to get back into the role of being the provider.

even though he has the goods to go out there and bang a different hottie every week - instead of relishing that fact he's upset that this ONE woman won't commit to him.

for whatever the reason, this guy REALLY wants to be back in a committed relationship. although im totally guessing here, i think subconsciously a lot of that probably has to do with showing up his ex.

he got dumped on his *ss and i think he would love to land some hottie, settle down with her and be able to show his ex 'see, i'm da man. i've rebuilt my life and have it all now. you could have had this if you hadn't dumped me on my *ss. you lose b*tch!"

he's still carrying around baggage from his marriage i think that is effecting what he is looking for from women and from life.

Not a bad guess - sounds like you have personal experience with this.

 

[decades]

This is doomed! Get out NOW and go no contact with her! She is Far from a prize catch. Too many red flags to discuss. Get out!!

 

[joekerr31]

Not a bad guess - sounds like you have personal experience with this.

haha. nope. never been married (hence why im so wise :rock: )

but seriously, human behavior is always driven by something. failure is one of the biggest drivers behind human behavior.

this guy probably sees himself as having 'failed' at his marriage. so he likely wants to prove that he isn't a failure and that he can be 'successful' at it.

so while he's happy to live the single life for a bit, mostly to build his game back up, he ultimately is looking to take another stab at marriage to prove to himself (and his ex) that he's not a 'failure'.

the desire to 'get it right' drives a lot of people to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

 

[Interceptor]

haha. nope. never been married (hence why im so wise :rock: )

but seriously, human behavior is always driven by something. failure is one of the biggest drivers behind human behavior.

this guy probably sees himself as having 'failed' at his marriage. so he likely wants to prove that he isn't a failure and that he can be 'successful' at it.

so while he's happy to live the single life for a bit, mostly to build his game back up, he ultimately is looking to take another stab at marriage to prove to himself (and his ex) that he's not a 'failure'.

the desire to 'get it right' drives a lot of people to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

Very well said, Joe.
Very true.

It is about Ego Inflation, and maintainance of a Self Image.
This is what is dangerous.
It is important to have a healthy persepctive, and want to learn from our expereinces so we don't have to repeat these situations again.

 

[Mr. Me]

seeing you when she was basically in another relationship

That's only a flag if she was having the other man think it was exclusive.

Otherwise, OP, you know now you need to go s-l-o-w. Real slow.

But I see you're asking what to do when she next calls.

I wouldn't suggest going "dark", because to not return calls at all would be rude. Return them in a day. If she calls to ask you to come over and walk the dogs, you're busy. Doing what? It's none of her business, you're just busy with things. But be polite! Don't say "None of your business!", just nicely tell her that you're busy. This isn't about brushing people off or trying to sting them or being discourteous.

You just can't be that accessible to women as you were to her. You should only see her maybe once a week. Give her little tiny doses of you. They can't want more of you if you've given them a lot of you. I like tapioca pudding but if I ate a whole lot of it in two weeks' time I'd be throwing up.

Back to the phones... give her nothing, don't offer to see her. And only give her several minutes on the phone anytime you talk. Be the first to hang up. Don't call her for now, but see if within a week or so, she calls to ask YOU out, cook YOU dinner, buy YOU drinks... something. Not just walk the dog. You want to see some effort on her part, otherwise she'll know that it's real easy to get you back, all she has to do is say "come over".

Only then you can agree to see her. And don't fish to have her ask you out. She has to do it of her own accord. You have to permit women the space and time for them to reveal how they really feel about you, i.e., show their interest level. In the meantime, find some more women.

Women love a challenge. At least, the saner ones do.

 

[jophil28]

You just can't be that accessible to women as you were to her. You should only see her maybe once a week. Give her little tiny doses of you. They can't want more of you if you've given them a lot of you. I like tapioca pudding but if I ate a whole lot of it in two weeks' time I'd be throwing up.


.

Yeah, you need to back right off.

MY guess is that you have already done those things with her, and for her, as an "enticement" to get her to warm to having you in her life. It does not work well that way. The things that you have done for her should be done as rewards for desired behavior from her . You are acting as if this is your second chance to be a husband and father (read JoeK's posts) and you foollishly believed that if you "perfomed" well in those roles, then she would elect you president-you would be Tarzan to her Jane.. Never deliver on a woman's requirements like this to "audition" for her approval - especially in 2 Weeks !'
Your attempts to please her are extremely AFC behavior and you need to quit now. I mean that you need to learn some strategies urgently, and I do not mean "tricks".. Try to understand and really grasp why and how you messed up.

Read a lot of posts here until you mind starts to "shift" You wuill know what I mean when it happens.

 

[dianabol.uk]

Thanks Guys, I think half the problem has been that i am on 2 weeks holiday from work. So had lots of time to spend together. Plus you are all right in the fact that i miss being married and being the provider, and all the benefits it brings. Wrong i know. But i have DJ well previous to this, met A LOT of new women, no one i had a real spark with but they all played out well! Good thing about being single again at 35 is you can get women 10 years age difference either side! 25 -45 such a wide choice ! but its amazing how many weirdies there are out there! Also very sad just HOW MANY single mums there are now.And usually from their own choice!

Well update. She pinged me on IM last night, she saw i was online but i let her ping me first., She asked what i have been doing all day, i replied, I watched the rugby at the pub with a big group of friends. (which i did. Many female.)

She said, please come over i really missed u today. I had left my jacket there hen i drove the other day. and i need my jacket, cold here! so went over. She was all cuddley etc etc, I stayed for a cup of tea and left within an hour. She asked what i was doing today, i said, i was going to be quite busy and left it at that. She said she will call later on.

so, i am still gonna be the nice prize but less available. but only available when she plans something for us. But i have to remember she is a single parent to 2 kids and money is short.