I have just discovered this site and wow, its just what I need. First of all I need help with my current girl situation. Brief overview: I meet a girl last april online, i was 26 and she 20. After a few weeks she comes to see me, we have a great time, then a week later i go see her. We really fall in love and she moves 300miles for me after that weekend. At the end of the summer i had to go away for a month and we were planning on getting married when i got back. But there was alot of pressure on me and she was already planning the wedding, so I kinda postpone the official engagement for a while. She is upset and acts that way for a while, i wasn't sensitive enough and at one point i say it isnt working out anymore to her. This really hurts her, and rightfully so. So we become distant and she starts hanging out with people where she got a job. She comes home late and is hanging out with another guy sometimes. She moves out but tells me she still wants to see me. But another guy is at her place for basically a month and a half untill she dumps him because she said he was way too big of a dork for her and she cant take it anymore. When she moved out I tried really hard to get her back, letters all the time and gifts and crap. She tells me to leave her alone. But we talked online a few times and I make her laugh and stuff and she says i can take her to dinner. She stands me up, and so I would go by her place and talk to her. I did this a couple of times and we had great conversations, but the last time before xmas she gets mad that I went over there. She quits talking to me online, and basically i havent' heard from her since. I don't have her new phone # and we have no mutual friends, so I can't really communicate with her. So this month I left her some letters at her house. She is hanging out at the guys house she got with after me, but people from her work basically party there every night so. I've told her that I still love her, but obviously I'm not giving her space. She may go back home at the end of March and Im worried that I'll never see her again. Obviously I've made alot of DJ mistakes, but when I've talked to her I can still see that she cares. Im really good looking and have $ and my family loved her alot. I know that I've been acting like a dumbass, but what can I do to turn things around and get her to come back. Thanks everyone for your help.
new guy needs help
- Thread starter rgwtx
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CyranoDeBergerac
Master Don Juan
First of all, wlecome to the boards.
Second of all we believe in a few other things besides Dj principles here...like paragraphs for instance. The clearer the question, the better chance of more coherent, dead-on advice.
Bottom line. You hurt her, now she's moving on or getting you back, either way, your best bet is to do the same. (move on I mean) If she is your's she'll come around again. If not, you've only lost a manipulative red river of frustration and hysteria.
A couple things that worry me personally:
1) She's 6 years younger than you. Its been my experience that 95% of the time, when there is a disparity in age (and hence maturity level.) like that, its because the guy doesn't deem himself worthy or capable of getting a fox his own status. Its the rough equivalent of a high school guy reaching back into middle school to find a girlfriend. She's immature, and you're catering to that immaturity. Of course she doesn't know what she wants...she's 20. I don't see any chance for reconciliation, and at this point, I would care to which leads me to...
2) You obviously don't know what you want either. Look at her objectively. Make a list of everything she's done for you or to you emotionally and physically in the last month, then weigh the pros and cons. Then look around and ask yourself if this is the best investment of your time and emotional currency. You only have so much of both. At this point you're engaging in self-detrimental behavior only to secure a non-performing investiture which shows no actual signs of turn around or the type of long term emotional yield you're obviously after. Ask yourself whether you'd be this careless with your money. I think you'll find that you're only reaping the rewards of those bad seeds that you sowed earlier on with her and your best course of action is to plow over that field and plant some new seed. Speaking of which...
3) I know of no safe effective way of killing one-itis faster than the reaffirmation of your own self worth. There are several ways to do this, but since we are speaking emotionally, here's how you plant and cultivate your seed...
a) Cut her off. Don't let your well run dry by pouring all of yourself into a dying flower. She doesn't hold a monopoly on those benefits she provides you, but she does hold one on the pain she can cause you. There are greener pastures that don't smell so much like manure. Move on.
b) Get out there. Keep your prospects open because you never know from around which corner salvation will come. Recognize the beauty and potential in other women. By opening yourself up to these possibilities, these possibilities open themselves up to you.
c) Suck it up Buttercup. You are a man. Along with the Y chromosome we each inherit the ability and admiration for playing through the pain. It might hurt in the short run, but the thrill of victory is a powerful anesthetic.
d) Do it. Don't hold back. If you cheat the minset, you're only cheating yourself. Action is the only gaurantor of resolution.
4) I've already made this point three or four times before, but it bears repeating. You seriously need to consider whether you want her back or not. Most of the guys oin this board-and almost all of the Djs who know what they're talking about-would be screaming, yelling, sounding their mightiest yawp above the rooftops...NEXT!!!
Ask yourself, do you miss your relationship with her, or your relationship? Chances are you're more attached to the latter. Make another list of what your any healthy relationship should provide and take your time about it. Now look it over and ask yourself, yes or no, does she fulfill these criterion. No yes buts..., no excuses, no cop-outs. Her actions speak for themselves and do not warrant your protection.
You've got a lot of soul-searching to do. Meditate on these points for a day or two and then see where you are. If you decide you want her back, so be it. If you decide you're better off without her, or at least taking a permanent temporary leave of absence from her, fine as well. You have to make that decision. Now be a man and move to preserve that empire you've worked so hard to build for you and your posterity.
-CyranoDeBergerac
Second of all we believe in a few other things besides Dj principles here...like paragraphs for instance. The clearer the question, the better chance of more coherent, dead-on advice.
Bottom line. You hurt her, now she's moving on or getting you back, either way, your best bet is to do the same. (move on I mean) If she is your's she'll come around again. If not, you've only lost a manipulative red river of frustration and hysteria.
A couple things that worry me personally:
1) She's 6 years younger than you. Its been my experience that 95% of the time, when there is a disparity in age (and hence maturity level.) like that, its because the guy doesn't deem himself worthy or capable of getting a fox his own status. Its the rough equivalent of a high school guy reaching back into middle school to find a girlfriend. She's immature, and you're catering to that immaturity. Of course she doesn't know what she wants...she's 20. I don't see any chance for reconciliation, and at this point, I would care to which leads me to...
2) You obviously don't know what you want either. Look at her objectively. Make a list of everything she's done for you or to you emotionally and physically in the last month, then weigh the pros and cons. Then look around and ask yourself if this is the best investment of your time and emotional currency. You only have so much of both. At this point you're engaging in self-detrimental behavior only to secure a non-performing investiture which shows no actual signs of turn around or the type of long term emotional yield you're obviously after. Ask yourself whether you'd be this careless with your money. I think you'll find that you're only reaping the rewards of those bad seeds that you sowed earlier on with her and your best course of action is to plow over that field and plant some new seed. Speaking of which...
3) I know of no safe effective way of killing one-itis faster than the reaffirmation of your own self worth. There are several ways to do this, but since we are speaking emotionally, here's how you plant and cultivate your seed...
a) Cut her off. Don't let your well run dry by pouring all of yourself into a dying flower. She doesn't hold a monopoly on those benefits she provides you, but she does hold one on the pain she can cause you. There are greener pastures that don't smell so much like manure. Move on.
b) Get out there. Keep your prospects open because you never know from around which corner salvation will come. Recognize the beauty and potential in other women. By opening yourself up to these possibilities, these possibilities open themselves up to you.
c) Suck it up Buttercup. You are a man. Along with the Y chromosome we each inherit the ability and admiration for playing through the pain. It might hurt in the short run, but the thrill of victory is a powerful anesthetic.
d) Do it. Don't hold back. If you cheat the minset, you're only cheating yourself. Action is the only gaurantor of resolution.
4) I've already made this point three or four times before, but it bears repeating. You seriously need to consider whether you want her back or not. Most of the guys oin this board-and almost all of the Djs who know what they're talking about-would be screaming, yelling, sounding their mightiest yawp above the rooftops...NEXT!!!
Ask yourself, do you miss your relationship with her, or your relationship? Chances are you're more attached to the latter. Make another list of what your any healthy relationship should provide and take your time about it. Now look it over and ask yourself, yes or no, does she fulfill these criterion. No yes buts..., no excuses, no cop-outs. Her actions speak for themselves and do not warrant your protection.
You've got a lot of soul-searching to do. Meditate on these points for a day or two and then see where you are. If you decide you want her back, so be it. If you decide you're better off without her, or at least taking a permanent temporary leave of absence from her, fine as well. You have to make that decision. Now be a man and move to preserve that empire you've worked so hard to build for you and your posterity.
-CyranoDeBergerac
Hubris
Don Juan
Amen!
I think a preface to the DJB should be that "If you came here for advice on how to fix a relationship that's already been screwed up, or if you came here to try to change the mind of a girl that's already told you "no" then this site isn't for you". This preface can go with my other "lose your virginity before becoming a DJ" idea that I wrote awhile back.
Being a DJ is about self suffiency, not dependency. You 'need' something from this girl.
I know it hurts but you have to move on in this case. The glory about being male is the ability to take what you need and desire. Following this girl will only lead to...waste. If she's really on your mind then start an exercise routine, read the DJB and in a mounth you'll be healthy again.
The girl is broken, damaged. You wouldn't want a broken radio, so why do you want a broken girl? She immidiatly let some dude move in with her after breaking up with you? But she still wanted to 'talk' and still 'allowed' you to take her to dinner? On top of being broken she sounds like a moron.
OddTech
Senior Don Juan
Why is it that one thing AFCs like to do is to "plan their weddings" when they only met for a short time? Look, you were infatuated with her, actually, you were both infatuated -- planning weddings and falling in loves. Both of you showed that you were really unstable and not in control of your emotions.
Your example is one of the reason why there is such a high divorce rate in the US. You both didn't correctly assess each other and figure out if you are both compatible. You were infatuated, and when the novelty fade, you will start to see how weak the relationship really is. At 20 years old, this girl really doesn't know what she wants and she shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. Follow Cyrano advice and truly figure out what you really want. It's time to cut her off and start seeing new women.
Your example is one of the reason why there is such a high divorce rate in the US. You both didn't correctly assess each other and figure out if you are both compatible. You were infatuated, and when the novelty fade, you will start to see how weak the relationship really is. At 20 years old, this girl really doesn't know what she wants and she shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. Follow Cyrano advice and truly figure out what you really want. It's time to cut her off and start seeing new women.
NewMan
Master Don Juan
Im really good looking and have $ and my family loved her alot. I know that I've been acting like a dumbass, but what can I do to turn things around and get her to come back. Thanks everyone for your help.
Money and good looks mean nothing if you act like a loser.
Sorry - but this last statement is just idiotic.
About getting someone back in a situation like this:-
Have you ever heard the following statement:
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?
Well this is that case. So what you do is, you don't call her, talk to her, text her, message her.
You don't go over there.
You don't follow her.
You don't send letters.
You don't go over to where she's hanging out.
You don't run back to her the first minute she calls you up.
You don't roll over like a puppy dog.
If your ever going to be with this chick (and you probably will not) - you need to let her and you grow up. You need to give her space. She's 20 - and there's a lot of growing up for her to do.
In the future look out for the following red flags:
Anyone who wants to move 300 miles to be with you after seeing her one time only. In fact after you only knowing her for less than a year.
Anyone you (or she) that wants to get married to after less than 18 months.
Don't throw everything you have into a relationship after only a couple months tops.
Read the bible.
Get out there and date other chickies.
Let her come to you.
Money and good looks mean nothing if you act like a loser.
Sorry - but this last statement is just idiotic.
About getting someone back in a situation like this:-
Have you ever heard the following statement:
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?
Well this is that case. So what you do is, you don't call her, talk to her, text her, message her.
You don't go over there.
You don't follow her.
You don't send letters.
You don't go over to where she's hanging out.
You don't run back to her the first minute she calls you up.
You don't roll over like a puppy dog.
If your ever going to be with this chick (and you probably will not) - you need to let her and you grow up. You need to give her space. She's 20 - and there's a lot of growing up for her to do.
In the future look out for the following red flags:
Anyone who wants to move 300 miles to be with you after seeing her one time only. In fact after you only knowing her for less than a year.
Anyone you (or she) that wants to get married to after less than 18 months.
Don't throw everything you have into a relationship after only a couple months tops.
Read the bible.
Get out there and date other chickies.
Let her come to you.
appreciate the help
Thanks all for the insightful advice. I think you guys are probably very right about alot of things. I've probably freaked her out trying to get her back with all the letters and crap, d'oh.
I'm probably have no chance with her again (yeah I know I shouldnt care and there are plenty girls out there), but I just wish there was something I could do besides just break off all contact with her.
Thanks again.
Thanks all for the insightful advice. I think you guys are probably very right about alot of things. I've probably freaked her out trying to get her back with all the letters and crap, d'oh.
I'm probably have no chance with her again (yeah I know I shouldnt care and there are plenty girls out there), but I just wish there was something I could do besides just break off all contact with her.
Thanks again.
CyranoDeBergerac
Master Don Juan
The damage is done. You have to let it go and move on. You've gone too far already, and your insistence is already borderline stalker-ish. I know this is difficult for you, but you need to accept that she's in your past, and work towards your future. You're wasting too much valuable energy trying to win her back.
You cannot force someone to love you,
Its far too delicate a thing,
Love's will recoils from braun and sinew,
And then rebuts with bitter'st sting.
If it is meant to be it will be. Not, however, until you accept fate as it is, specifically the fact that your destiny may not rest with her. You're courting further disaster until you do, as your experience here should already testify. Let go, please, for both your sakes.
-CyranoDeBergerac
PuertoRican_Lover
Banned
Why do you want a girl that has been sexing another man during your so-called seperation? Have you no dignity?
She is obviously far removed from your emotional appeals and has blatantly no desire to return to you unless it is for your money! But this will be shortlived!
Have some dignity and become a man! I know it is painful to lose what was so close to be your so-called life term mate, but things have passed and you are willing to accept something that is sure to be a a failure in the long-run for short-term gain! Why do you torment yourself? There are others more worthy! You think it is her that you want, but it is really a loving and caring companionship that you so desire. This is not the one!
Her words and actions have dictated so!
You are asking us the wrong question, you shouldn't be asking us how you can get her back; rather, the question should be, "how can I lead a productive and happy life without this girl and can you save me from my wretched afc condition and wrongful thinking?".
If you are so delighted to have found this site, then listen to the words spoken here and take heed to the advice given and not what you want. Leave her alone!! Go cry and relieve yourself.
This girls fvck another guy after she leaves you and you still want her back to marry you and for her to bear you children? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! You have good looks and money and she still doesn't want you??? What does this tell you?? SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU, DON"T FORCE HER TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!
Have some shame and rid yourself of her, and move on to someone who will respect and cherish you for who you are. This is not the one!
She is obviously far removed from your emotional appeals and has blatantly no desire to return to you unless it is for your money! But this will be shortlived!
Have some dignity and become a man! I know it is painful to lose what was so close to be your so-called life term mate, but things have passed and you are willing to accept something that is sure to be a a failure in the long-run for short-term gain! Why do you torment yourself? There are others more worthy! You think it is her that you want, but it is really a loving and caring companionship that you so desire. This is not the one!
Her words and actions have dictated so!
You are asking us the wrong question, you shouldn't be asking us how you can get her back; rather, the question should be, "how can I lead a productive and happy life without this girl and can you save me from my wretched afc condition and wrongful thinking?".
If you are so delighted to have found this site, then listen to the words spoken here and take heed to the advice given and not what you want. Leave her alone!! Go cry and relieve yourself.
This girls fvck another guy after she leaves you and you still want her back to marry you and for her to bear you children? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! You have good looks and money and she still doesn't want you??? What does this tell you?? SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU, DON"T FORCE HER TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!
Have some shame and rid yourself of her, and move on to someone who will respect and cherish you for who you are. This is not the one!