New GF Showing Frigid Tendencies -- And Then??

[Alonso]

So she's nice, etc. But . . . tonight she pulls me aside for a conversation regarding what people think about the role of sex in a relationship.

Eventually (and through much coaxing) it comes out that she is not the biggest fan of this, overall ("I don't think that's necesaary to a loving relationship."). Nothing personal (??), she says, she just doesn't view it as important. Morever, because of some health issues (??), she thinks that limiting it is not a bad idea.

Well -- my response was somewhat equivocal. Basically, I said, "We have to do what is best for you medically."

My real view is that the "health concerns" are fairly bogus, and that most of the problem is simply a cultural/personal aversion (she is native-born Asian, and self-professed conservative across the board) to this sort of thing. But -- maybe she is genuinely just a bit frigid?

So -- how to respond? More forcefully than "let's just do what you're comforable with?"

Is there a non-scummy way of saying, "I am not interested in a non-physical spiritual relationship with you?" Or, alternatively, "I am not interested in an only-very-sporadically-physical relationship with you?"

Thks.

Alonso

 

[Kraken]

It doesn't necessarily mean she won't ever have sex with you, it may be just her way of getting rid of guys that are just looking to tap her ass. Like you.

 

[Alonso]

Well -- and to clarify -- it isn't a question of the first time between me and her. More like "how much of a role will this play from here on out?," with her thinking "less" and me thinking "more, preferably."

So -- how does one approach this conversation about something that's already happened?

 

[dietzcoi]

I don't see how you can possibly be happy with her... but you know this already.

Next her. You will regret it if you don't.

I cannot believe any self-respecting man would put up with a woman who claims sex is unimportant... who would settle for that?

But I guess there are AFCs enough who would put up with it

Dietzcoi

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

If the hio is having sex with you already but is limiting when you should get it then tell her to call you at that time of need!! She is trying to control you - this is a bad sign - and she is not even your wife. Usually wives do this once they snared a man into marriage through sex and then dictate the day and time the store is open.

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by Alonso
Nothing personal (??), she says, she just doesn't view it as important.

You could try this..."Nothing personal, but I like to have sex quite a lot, do you mind if I get it from someone else? I promise it won't mean anything to me, it will just be sex." Yeah, I know, poor attempt at humour...

Realistically, I could only suggest that you absolutely rock her world, i.e. multiple orgasms, etc. She will soon get a taste for it... or if that doesn't work and it looks like you are going to spend most of the time frustrated, then you get out. It's not THE most important part of a relationship, but make no mistake, it IS important to you and that is what you need to consider.

 

[squirrels]

"I hear you."
Then kiss her.

What you're missing here is the fact that she brought it up means that she's at the point in the relationship where she's CONSIDERING sex with you.

When it comes to this kind of crap, listen to her body language. Whatever she says, just nod and say "uh-huh" and keep doing whatever you were going to do anyway.

 

[HuuBinh]

you should handle this situation like a man, if you gf cannot provide you with the sex that you need to fulfill a stable relationship, tell her, if she doesnt comply, then move on. Other djs here could be right, dont pay attention to what she says, do whatever you want.

 

[NewMan]

Your not going to be happy long term - next.

 

[Alonso]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
I don't see how you can possibly be happy with her... but you know this already.

Next her. You will regret it if you don't.

I cannot believe any self-respecting man would put up with a woman who claims sex is unimportant... who would settle for that?

But I guess there are AFCs enough who would put up with it

Dietzcoi

Well, yeah, but the point is not to put up with it, but to figure if there's a way to persuade her that if she really likes you all that much she should, er, share your interests. I.e., everyone has their own tastes, but your aversion here isn't categorically different from my aversion to date movies or your aversion to football, i.e., you've got to grin and bear it because it's important to me. Which isn't to say she'll buy that reasoning, so I'm trying to figure the smoothest way to present her with the take it or leave it argument.

 

[Jake Steed]

Originally posted by Alonso
...the point is not to put up with it, but to figure if there's a way to persuade her...

Wrong. You are already on the track to fvcking this up. Do NOT fall into the role of trying to CONVINCE her to have sex with you. Sex is something that gives mutual satisfaction--for both her and you--not something you have to CONVINCE a girl to do with you. Especially your gf.

You need to first decide if this girl is worth putting up with. If you decide, yes, she has some issues, but is worth putting in the extra effort, then by all means go ahead and play therapist.

That's essentially what you have to do. You need to have a DEEP convo with her and find out what it is about HER that has caused her to have this attitude about sex. Perhaps she's testing you to see if you want her for more than just sex. Perhaps she's just really insecure about her body. Perhaps she was molested by her uncle Kwan in the basement when she was 10. That's what you need to find out.

What are these health issues she's talking about? Post them here. They may be legit.

What's your history with this girl? Is she your gf? HAVE you had sex?

When a girl comes to you with such a strange statement, that is not the time to play games. You need to sit her down and explain to her that:

1. Sex is a physical manifestation of your feelings for her. You like her, so expressing your feelings through sex is just as natural and normal as expressing your feelings through a caress or handholding.

2. You value sex. You require sex in your relationship just like she requires emotional satisfaction. Ask her how she would feel if she weren't getting emotional satisfaction from her relationship. Help her to understand that sex is normal and just because you want to have sex with her doesn't mean you don't respect her. Be calm and mature about it. Let her know you are doing her a favor by letting her know straight up how you feel about it. Remind her that communication is important.

The most important thing is that you don't fall into the trap of trying to convince her to fvck you. That is building a foundation of toothpicks. It will eventually crumble.

"I don't think that's necesaary to a loving relationship."

Get her to really elaborate on this. Find out WHY she feels this way. LISTEN TO HER. Don't be an idiot who is so obsessed with instant gratification he doesn't see the real answer to his problems.

Jake

 

[Alonso]

Originally posted by Jake Steed
Wrong. You are already on the track to fvcking this up. Do NOT fall into the role of trying to CONVINCE her to have sex with you.

You got me on that. Shouldn't have used the word "persuade" -- the point is simply to make sure we understand each other's stance and that these are compatible. I do like her, but it's also true that platonic friendship is not why I'm with her.

A bit more context:

What she actually said, in full, was more along the lines of "I don't think I would want to do that every day, in fact, I don't think it's necessary for a relationship to still be good, but of course I like you a lot and if you are interested, we could still do that sometimes, just not every day or for so long -- fifteen minutes would be good enough for me."

Well, we've been going out for some months and since about two months in, have indeed been, as they say, physical. She has very little experience, from a couple of comments she's made; two boyfriends, the last over five years ago, and even with them, while she had sex, it wasn't much because of their conservative culture (and living with parents, although she's over 30 by now). So it's not bragging, but just by default, that she's gotten it on more in the past few months than in her career to date. Thing is, it seemed to go well; I'm not completely insensitive, and knew she was pretty inexperienced (didn't know just how inexperienced till a few days ago), so I tried to take things slow and non-intimidating, and she responded vigorously and (I thought) with enjoyment and enthusiasm, so that I thought that if it was new to her, it was new in a good way. Now, I wonder. She's also made a few comments about how Westerners are so promiscuous, and people shouldn't think about sex so much (which goes hand in hand with her overall passivity/reticence toward the subject, making it hard to gauge how she felt all along -- she'd be up for anything I was, or so I thought, but would never initiate it, never take care of the contraceptive aspects, etc.). She also has a kind of uber-romantic (I won't say schoolgirl, but there is more than a little naive Hello Kitty aspect to her outlook) view of relationships compared to modern Western girls, I think, who (for better and worse) are a bit more practical in terms of not expecting (at least not literally) a fairy tale of courtly antiseptic luv.

The health thing is a combination of a bladder infection that she got a month or two ago and is convinced resulted from her new activitiy, as well as a bunch of, I don't want to sound insensitive, but, well, goofy as hell eastern medicine concepts about chi and how Westerners have more lust because their bodies are "more heaty" and they eat meat, and other cultural baggage that I choose to gloss over as best I can.

I considered just taking the approach several here suggested -- playing along vaguely (after all, what she actually said was that she didn't think she could handle it "every day" or "more than once a day," and in reality we only see each other at all about three days a week (and even at the most active, weren't necessarily getting physical each time we got together), so I suppose I could just interpret her comment literally, and then continue to make my advances more or less whenever the opportunity offers, on the theory that we were still just doing it "sometimes" and not "every day."). But I really wouldn't be comfortable doing something that I knew she was actively disliking or not enjoying. And, on a more practical level, my experience has been that when one person wants more sex and one less, it's not an even "contest" and develops into either what Jake warned against (supplication or "asking" for sex), or a situation in which the person wanting less uses the moral high ground to make the "more" person feel like a single-minded horndog and give up, and thus wins by shame.

 

[Jake Steed]

Alonso,

No offense, but your girl sounds like a bit of a weirdo.

1. 30 yrs old and doesn't like sex? BIG Red Flag.

2. 30 yrs old and still lives with parents?? Red Flag.

3. 30 yrs old and has very little sexual experience? Red Flag, or she's lying.

What country is she from and when did she come over here? Does she have her green card/citizenship?

I have dated Taiwanese, Burmese, Japanese, Thai, Chinese Canadian, and different kinds of Chinese-american girls, both cantonese and mandarin. My current gf is Chinese-American. They ranged from fobs to completely westernized girls. Some of them came from really strict, conservative housholds.

I NEVER ran into the shyt you've described. When it came down to it, they ALL loved to fvck and found ways to make it easy to give me the puzzy.

I'm not saying your gf is pulling a voodoo on you, but there is definately something weird about her. Obviously she's got some intimacy issues. And that eastern religion stuff is bullshyt. Most young asians laugh at that shyt and run as far from it as they can. Most are ashamed by it, and rightly so, IMO. It's fvcking stupid. I find it odd that she embraces it. Is she a total fob?

About the urinary tract infection thing--I have had gfs in the past who've gotten them, including my current gf, and they can be a *****. Do you use condoms? Because I always use condoms with my gf and she never gets them anymore. Women are more succeptible to them when you hit it raw and come in them.

Make sure to have that talk with her I told you to have.

Jake

 

[dietzcoi]

If this girl is over 30 and acting this way... RUN!!!

All the women over 30 I have been with have wanted to fvck more than I did... they are red hot!

Big Red Flags... RUN!!!

Dietzcoi

 

[Walden]

Girls like that are hard work man.
Id just cold cheat on her , but I appreciate this may not be everybodies' cup of tea.