Need Help - possible disaster - DefCon 3

[Badasswolf]

Got your attention, good. Thanks for checking out this one. Here's the story.

I heard from friend that this girl has been asking around for me. She asked his wife. the girl's at the same college as I am, and I went for it. Contacted her on facebook and immediately asked her out, I wished her good mornings and good nights for 2 days. She said yes for the date and of course, it was awesome. She looked like the right kind of girl I needed, she listened to good music, had crazy dressing style and generaly was great. During our date we discussed many things, she mentioned her ex, friends etc, but this one guy she kept mentioning all the time. She's 19, I'm 24. Even troughout our dialogue she kept messaging this guy and always had his messanger icon on screen. She told me that he's just a friend and nothing more and that she liked me. Date was 2 hours long... My mistake, I know. At the end of the date she said that she has to meet her friend for training and we quit the date, and I walked her trough the town. We met with this guy and I shook his hand, greeted him, but she asked If I was going to do her presentation in power point and word. I played it out in style like : yeah sure, no way. We parted our ways, I went home. At night I wished her good night and started playing a game. Tomorrow morning at 12 o'clock she messaged me wishing good day and asking how I felt. I told her I felt great, but the end of the day I made a mistake. I messaged the guy friend asking him are they together or just friend, mentioning that she said her life is a bit complicated and she's not sure. Lied to protect it. Something in my guts was telling me it was a smart move... I've never been so wrong my entire life. Of course the second I messaged him, and she immediately sent me a message asking why did I do it. Then he responded saying they're just friends. I apologized to her and explained but she didn't care. After that she ended with, I need some time to think this over. I messaged her the other day, she responded with, I need time to think this over. I messaged her three days ago, asked her to discuss it in person, she said she's not in the mood to chat. After that I didn't contact her at all. Saw her couple of times, ignored it completely. Any advice for further actions ?

 

[parkthebus]

Give her an ulimatum. Meet me and talk or good bye. Don't apolagize just laugh it off and get gaming.

 

[Badasswolf]

Worst thing is that I'm currently in status quo. She's most likely trying to get over me, and needs the time to do so. I've read a couple of posts and seems the only way to end it would be to leave... For good.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

You mean 'in limbo?' Anyway, as you probably know, you came across in one of the worst possible ways (IMO) - Needy.

She was possibly playing you anyway, most girls have options at that age. Regardless your frame became weak and she didnt like it. If you pursue her more, contact her or anything similar, you will seem MORE needy. You have already contacted her too much to 'explain' the situation. Forget it.

If I were you, Id play it cool and keep my distance. If there IS any contact between you, Id try and re establish frame, for example:

Her - Why did you contact my friend etc etc
You - Well I thought it the best way to see if you were single. I dont like to get involved with someone for no reason. I prefer to go after what I want.
Her - Blah blah, **** test, frame break, blah
You - Its no problem, Ive realised that you werent for me, but no hard feelings.

Or some other such krap.

BTW, if I was on a TWO hour date and some girl kept messaging another guy etc, I would be g o n e. I cant stand taking a woman out of she isnt showing IOI...

 

[Badasswolf]

HeadLightsOn, I agree with you, it perfectly matches the situation, she liked the fact that I behaved like a man. I blew it up while apologizing, definitely losing the image she had in her head. Not sure how will I react, but I've lost interest into the whole situation. Also, is it that big of a mistake I did ? What's your opinion on it.. I wouldn't leave somebody just becouse he's asking around...

 

[HeadLightsOn]

But youve only known this woman for a matter of DAYS! Days, my friend. Not months, or years.

You had o n e (itis) date - you spoke briefly via txt after that before it all 'blew up.' Cant you see that you were over invested and needy.

You need to take a look at that. Youre young and have plenty of time to develop your game. But for goodness sake - drop the victim mentality. Dont be needy. Stop racing toward the first female option that plops on to your plate, and

chill

and learn about frame, yourself, masculinity etc. Have a look at the link I relinked on feminism and masculinity. Its inspiring.

 

[Badasswolf]

Wow, dude, I never met you but you just helped a lot ! Thanks bro ! I am moving on this second ! I definitely need to chill, no need to invest myself too much into it ! Thanks again, have a good day. I'll make sure to update on changes (other girl etc)

 

[Desdinova]

but this one guy she kept mentioning all the time. She's 19, I'm 24. Even troughout our dialogue she kept messaging this guy and always had his messanger icon on screen.

This was a red flag. Chances are this was not going to resolve itself over time. You dodged a bullet here.

When one of your prospects has orbiters, your natural instincts kick in to protect your investment in this woman. Your natural inclination is to eliminate them, and you acted upon it. However, today's women have become empowered with the idea that they can have friends of the opposite sex and a man's instinct to be "jealous" is wrong. Women expect men to alter their instincts according to her wants. That's like asking a woman to quit having her period - it's not going to happen.

 

[marmel75]

If you were truly confident in yourself and believed you were her best option, you'd have no reason to message another guy. I could care less who a woman I just met is dating. It's irrelevant.

That was about as weak a move as you could do, especially considering you are 5 years older than her. Stop acting needy and desperate. It kills attraction quicker than anything else. Why are you texting her immediately after the date and the next day?? That's for HER to initiate,not you.

 

[blind_one]

Got your attention, good. Thanks for checking out this one. Here's the story.

I heard from friend that this girl has been asking around for me. She asked his wife. the girl's at the same college as I am, and I went for it.

GJ strike the iron while its hot.

Contacted her on facebook and immediately asked her out, I wished her good mornings and good nights for 2 days.

Just why ?

She said yes for the date and of course, it was awesome. She looked like the right kind of girl I needed, she listened to good music, had crazy dressing style and generaly was great.

Your mindset should be more along the lines of " woman is an addition to an already great life of yours. She is welcome to tag along for the ride if she abides by the rules.

During our date we discussed many things, she mentioned her ex, friends etc, but this one guy she kept mentioning all the time. She's 19, I'm 24. Even troughout our dialogue she kept messaging this guy and always had his messanger icon on screen.

Dude thats fvckin disrespectful, after the meeting I would not contact her at all ...

She told me that he's just a friend and nothing more and that she liked me. Date was 2 hours long... My mistake, I know. At the end of the date she said that she has to meet her friend for training and we quit the date
Be the one to end it. 2 Hours is not bad if you both had fun, and I walked her trough the town.Should have split imho We met with this guy and I shook his hand, greeted him, but she asked If I was going to do her presentation in power point and word. I played it out in style like : yeah sure, no way. We parted our ways, I went home. At night I wished her good night and started playing a game.

Why the fvck would you do that is she your mom ?

Tomorrow morning at 12 o'clock she messaged me wishing good day and asking how I felt. I told her I felt great, but the end of the day I made a mistake. I messaged the guy friend asking him are they together or just friend, mentioning that she said her life is a bit complicated and she's not sure. Lied to protect it. Something in my guts was telling me it was a smart move... I've never been so wrong my entire life.

Bravo, that was fvckin weak.

Of course the second I messaged him, and she immediately sent me a message asking why did I do it. Then he responded saying they're just friends. I apologized to her
and explained but she didn't care. After that she ended with, I need some time to think this over. I messaged her the other day, she responded with, I need time to think this over. I messaged her three days ago, asked her to discuss it in person, she said she's not in the mood to chat. After that I didn't contact her at all. Saw her couple of times, ignored it completely. Any advice for further actions ?

I'm in bold

Why the fvck would you apologize ? I mean it was a dumb move to begin with but still..

Cease contact, you are not a challenge to her . Sorry if I was harsh but thats just fvckin bs.

Read the DJ bible.

 

[Badasswolf]

If you were truly confident in yourself and believed you were her best option, you'd have no reason to message another guy. I could care less who a woman I just met is dating. It's irrelevant.

That was about as weak a move as you could do, especially considering you are 5 years older than her. Stop acting needy and desperate. It kills attraction quicker than anything else. Why are you texting her immediately after the date and the next day?? That's for HER to initiate,not you.

Hm, if I was confident in the first place this wouldn't even happen. I ****ed it up big time, but yeah, what can I do, time to keep moving on... I can say, I am sorry for messing it up like this... It could end otherwise... Now, I don't know if I should even care anymore. I tried asking her about three days ago to settle this in person... I guess she's definitely not ready to see me anytime sooner. So yeah, moving on is the only option here. The big mistake a man can make is to try to make something only yours... Never worked. Lesson learned...

 

[blind_one]

I can say, I am sorry for messing it up like this

Don't be, we learn best by doing. You are in the right place. Read the DJ Bible. You are in the right place to learn.

 

[Badasswolf]

Da

I'm in bold

Why the fvck would you apologize ? I mean it was a dumb move to begin with but still..

Cease contact, you are not a challenge to her . Sorry if I was harsh but thats just fvckin bs.

Read the DJ bible.

Yeah, messed up, and my initial reaction was weak AF ! I shouldn't have apologized, but then again, you're right, it's her choice to tag along, not mine. I guess at the time I was desperate AF, a friend got married, another one has a girl for 5 years. As a guy once said, sry for my language, U Not Pu**y, u fu*k *****, act like it. Learned it too late

 

[Badasswolf]

I can say, when I posted the question I never expected so much support and answers... I'm glad that people are there to provide support ! Thanks !

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Hm, if I was confident in the first place this wouldn't even happen. I ****ed it up big time, but yeah, what can I do, time to keep moving on... I can say, I am sorry for messing it up like this... It could end otherwise... Now, I don't know if I should even care anymore. I tried asking her about three days ago to settle this in person... I guess she's definitely not ready to see me anytime sooner. So yeah, moving on is the only option here. The big mistake a man can make is to try to make something only yours... Never worked. Lesson learned...

You have to let women chase you once they are interested in you. That's how their attraction amplifies...they imagine you are so busy living this great life and have all these other women(whether its true or not), and that eventually you will see how great they are and choose them over your other women. If you don't let them chase long enough or are too easy to get, you become worthless in their eyes. In their eyes, no man who is worth being with would allow himself to be gotten so easily. If you had other options, you would not commit to her so quickly, nor be worried about who else she is seeing or dating. So by your actions, you have proven yourself unworthy of her chasing because you are much too easy to get. That which is always available has the least value. It's the reason copper is worth pennies per ounce while gold is worth thousands per ounce.

 

[amazingswayze]

listen, OP. this is not a disaster. Defcon 3? No.

If you can't handle losing one single girl, you need a reality check.

It's not that big of a deal. You caught feelings too hard, too soon. Learn from this.

Other posters mentioned this. Her texting this dude during your date is a RED FLAG. it means she doesn't respect you. You texting that guy after? Total fail.

You messed up pretty badly with this one, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it OP.

the great thing is, you will know to NEVER act like this again.

and that's what happens when you learn things the hard way.

stop being needy.

good luck, OP.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Point blank: you made a TON of mistakes throughout your interactions with this girl. Which is absolutely fine. This is necessary to fvck up a bunch of times and this community will help you out a ton. Most of these mistakes stem from the fact that you are contacting her far too much, and the contacting her far too much stems from neediness and lack of other options.

But start by starting to avoid contacting a girl for ANY other reason than to make logistics for meeting up. Many people will tell you that massive attraction can be built via text, and this is true, however in your case, you're better off not saying anything until you get a feel for texting girls better.

You know how when a girl doesn't text you back for like 12 hrs and you start to worry and doubt yourself a bit? Girls do the same thing, in general. You WANT her to feel this. This is part of what spikes and keeps attraction. The nice guy in you will say "well that's kind of mean.." NO. that's how people operate and the sooner you learn to press the right buttons the better. Girls WANT a guy who keeps them wondering. Ideally you shod be busy enough and have enough girls on the line to where you naturally fail to text her back right away, but fake it until you make it.

General rules to follow:
1) you should always be texting her less than she texts you and ALWAYS take longer to respond to her than she takes to respond to you. A good rule of thumb is 1:2 ratio. She texts you twice, you text once. She takes ten mins to respond, you take 20.

2) NEVER use "good morning" or "good night" texts. At least not until you are in a completely exclusive LTR. And even then, they scream NICE Guy/needy. If a girl ever texts me "good morning" within the first 10 or so dates, then I IMMEDIATELY know she is fvxking crazy and clingy and doesn't have any better options.

Amazingswayze mentioned that texting the guy was a red flag. (No offense swayze since this is what you were in effect saying as well but it's not so much a red flag on her part as it is a symptom of the wrong moves you were making. She's just being a girl and testing you by texting in front of you. If you had made the right moves to truly get her interested in you then she wouldn't have had to test you with this other guy. 80% of the time when a girl texts a lot while hanging with you, its because YOU didn't make the right moves to attract her properly. 20% of the time it's because she's damaged and too addicted to social media and her phone to properly enjoy life, which would be girls you would want to avoid anyway. You gave off the vibe of being her friend and so she treated you like she would treat the guys she friendzoned: aka hanging out with you while texting the guy(s) she's actually interested in banging and making logistics to hangout with him when she gets bored of you

 

[Badasswolf]

Thanks for the help, I just contacted her and we ended it for good. It turned out totally ok, she understood and I did too. Now for the DJ Bible !!