A few days ago I posted a thread about how I was so angry and on edge that I was going to sell a bunch of my stuff and go out and bang a hooker (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=193163). I've believed this whole time that all my problems in life revolved around lacking confidence with girls and being a 21-year old kissless virgin.
But this is not the basis of my problems. I have realized that, for a lack of a better phrase, I am just downright crazy. My moods, emotions, self-evaluation of my worth, and my self-perception are all over the place. If you take a look at my posting history, you will see that sometimes I rant about how much of a loser I am, while other times I describe how I feel on top of the world.
I am a slave to my impulses, addictions, and fluctuations in mood. I feel like I lack control over most of my behaviours. Last night, I felt depressed so I went to the liquor store on a whim, bought a bottle of wine, and chugged it one go.
Later my parents called, my rage and energy higher than it's ever been, and I went on a rant to my dad about the imminent destruction of industrial society. I read the Unabomber's Manifesto: Industrial Society and Its Future the other night, took everything said in it to be the truth 100%, and rambled on furiously about how I was going to lead a revolution to destroy man's dependence on technology by recruiting a small elite of intellectuals and cronies and leading a coup to completely overthrow the status quo. My rant was interspersed with unrelated frustrations about feminism and sexually-promiscuous girls, quotes about Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, and I told my dad "I'm handsome, intelligent, tough, brilliant, I can do anything I want and get any girl I want to." He told me I was spitting out "delusions of grandeur", constantly focusing on negative things that nobody really cares about, and he was right, I felt so crazy that, at that moment, I genuinely felt like I could do anything and stood out as a black-sheep, revolutionary leader unappreciated by his own generation. Hours before I was contemplating suicide and feeling totally defeated in life.
I ended up going downtown, getting more drunk, bought some weed and smoked a joint, and wandered the city all night drinking coffees and going to different McDonalds alone. I didn't pass out until 10 am the next day (this morning).
Some people on SoSuave have mentioned that I may have bipolar disorder and, although I originally dismissed this, there's no doubt that my self-esteem bounces from one end of the spectrum to the other periodically.
I don`t think this has anything to do with my "confidence with girls." My confidence levels are always changing erratically. Sometimes I feel like a total pimp with girls and sometimes I feel like a total failure.
This whole time, I've been accounting my mental health decline on lack of success with girls. But this is just a small factor. I can't stay in school, can't hold a job, can't stay financially stable, and have no clear sense of identity or purpose in life.
I have heard Bipolar disorder often takes many years to diagnose; some don't get diagnosed until they're in thirties or even forties. I am only 21, but I am beginning to notice these wild patterns of behaviour in myself.
Does anybody here know anything about bipolar disorder? I am on antidepressants now, but should I go on mood stabilizers too? I feel like I lack any control over my life right now, not just with girls, and it's slowly killing me.
But this is not the basis of my problems. I have realized that, for a lack of a better phrase, I am just downright crazy. My moods, emotions, self-evaluation of my worth, and my self-perception are all over the place. If you take a look at my posting history, you will see that sometimes I rant about how much of a loser I am, while other times I describe how I feel on top of the world.
I am a slave to my impulses, addictions, and fluctuations in mood. I feel like I lack control over most of my behaviours. Last night, I felt depressed so I went to the liquor store on a whim, bought a bottle of wine, and chugged it one go.
Later my parents called, my rage and energy higher than it's ever been, and I went on a rant to my dad about the imminent destruction of industrial society. I read the Unabomber's Manifesto: Industrial Society and Its Future the other night, took everything said in it to be the truth 100%, and rambled on furiously about how I was going to lead a revolution to destroy man's dependence on technology by recruiting a small elite of intellectuals and cronies and leading a coup to completely overthrow the status quo. My rant was interspersed with unrelated frustrations about feminism and sexually-promiscuous girls, quotes about Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, and I told my dad "I'm handsome, intelligent, tough, brilliant, I can do anything I want and get any girl I want to." He told me I was spitting out "delusions of grandeur", constantly focusing on negative things that nobody really cares about, and he was right, I felt so crazy that, at that moment, I genuinely felt like I could do anything and stood out as a black-sheep, revolutionary leader unappreciated by his own generation. Hours before I was contemplating suicide and feeling totally defeated in life.
I ended up going downtown, getting more drunk, bought some weed and smoked a joint, and wandered the city all night drinking coffees and going to different McDonalds alone. I didn't pass out until 10 am the next day (this morning).
Some people on SoSuave have mentioned that I may have bipolar disorder and, although I originally dismissed this, there's no doubt that my self-esteem bounces from one end of the spectrum to the other periodically.
I don`t think this has anything to do with my "confidence with girls." My confidence levels are always changing erratically. Sometimes I feel like a total pimp with girls and sometimes I feel like a total failure.
This whole time, I've been accounting my mental health decline on lack of success with girls. But this is just a small factor. I can't stay in school, can't hold a job, can't stay financially stable, and have no clear sense of identity or purpose in life.
I have heard Bipolar disorder often takes many years to diagnose; some don't get diagnosed until they're in thirties or even forties. I am only 21, but I am beginning to notice these wild patterns of behaviour in myself.
Does anybody here know anything about bipolar disorder? I am on antidepressants now, but should I go on mood stabilizers too? I feel like I lack any control over my life right now, not just with girls, and it's slowly killing me.
