my old oneitis

[MackJr]

I was just thinking about my old oneitis. I've stopped talking to her, but I'm wondering if I should declare her my enemy, and cut her off formally(ie, letting her know I've cut her off), because we ended on a friends basis.

She's weird in that if she mentally knows that I'm not her friend, it bugs her, but we'll go 6-12 months without communicating and as long as we're "friends" in her mind, that's a normal relationship.

I did this once (cut her off, and told her so) and after 6 months she flew down to try to patch things up.

It's kind of painful that even though she has a lot of qualifications (independent, intelligent, pretty), we're completely incompatible in terms of our ability to interact.

I think it's just my mind dragging up stuff since I have a date with a new GF tomorrow.

 

[decades]

Mack,

its best to not spend ANY mental energy thinking about her. I know its tough to let go but any focus on something in the past with someone you can't change is going to clutter your mind for things you do in the present. One of the most harmful emotions is Anger. So go through your thinking about this relationship and let go any residual anger there may be at her or yourself. Tell yourself you both did the best you could and what happened was what had to happen in your lives. Don't do any hanging on to this relationship. People come and go in your life and that's just a fact and if we accept that, we can move on and embrace what's in store.

regards

 

[NewMan]

we're completely incompatible in terms of our ability to interact.

you've answered your own question.

So why bother?

it's a waste of your time and energy.

I was just thinking about my old oneitis

If your still wasting your time, thinking about ways to "get to her" - she's not an old one i tis.

I think you need to leve sh#t well alone.

 

[Un-Aru]

Most girls I know who have broken it off with their former flames are like that. It's a very effective tactic in preserving their so-called 'good name.' A girl will try to remain 'friends' so that in their own mind they don't come across as a b*****. If you tell them 'no thanks' she'll be happy (eventually) that she tried and make damned sure everyone else knows she tried as well, again for the purpose of not coming across as a b*****. Interesting how often your new 'friend' will contact you to say hello a week later, then 2 weeks after that, then about 2 months after, then never again... except out of the blue on your birthday, at which point you rekindle that twisted thing we call 'false hope' because if she remembered your birthday that means she must 'really care.'

You were hurt and you want your revenge by p*ssing her off. That's understandable, it's human nature. However, a DJ should rise above such pettiness. Just be the better man, let it go...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The easiest way to counter ONEitis is to spin more plates. The more irons you have going in the fire at one time the lower your odds of developing ONEitis with a single girl. I've used this analogy before, but it bears repeating - too many guys think that they need to be a sniper with regards to women; patiently waiting for a single solitary target to be open for his one shot. Concentrating all his effort and focus on his "one big chance" to prove to her (and himself) that she's "the ONE." Rather a man would be better served by using a shotgun and scattering his effort over many women and picking the ones that respond the best to them. It's spaghetti theory, throw enough against the wall and see what sticks.

When you're in sniper mentality you not only set yourself up for a harsh dissapointment when you blow your shot with your ONE target, the odds of ONEitis increase when and if she does respond favorably. Your head is where it starts - the main reason I bother to post on this site and ones like it is exactly because too many young men have been socialized into this scarcity mentality that directly leads to ONEitis. It's very counterproductive to both men and women in that women ultimately want a decisive man, but hinder a guy in this by controlling him, often quite indirectly, because the guy has internalized his ONEitis. One of the reasons older men seem so much more attractive to younger women in their maturity is because (hopefully) they've sorted this dynamic out from experience and posess this, for lack of a better term, 'fatherly' quality to them due to it. There's far too many young men that are 'pre-whipped' in this predisposition for ONEitis even when they have no girl to be the object of it.

 

[WestCoaster]

Great stuff as usual Rollo. I cut and pasted your tremendous post on "oneitis" below and it's received zero responses. I think it hit too close to home here.

If more people on this site would read important posts and articles like that instead of getting on here just saying, "I got dumped, what do I do? She was great!" ... they'd be in better shape. Sadly, they seek advice from RAFCs or AFCs first before reading the articles ... sigh.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I do try.

 

[Horse Whisperer]

Been through this one myself. I agree with Un-Aru's comments about girls wanting to use the 'friends' line to preserve their ego's.

The girl that peed ME about kept on trying to weezle her way back into my affections after she ended it. From little emails, to grabbing me in corridors accusing me of ignoring her, to phoning me at home telling me she wanted me. Being a hopeless ****, I thought this meant she actually did want me! How naiive I was as, she of course just wanted my 'attention' to make HER feel better. How selfish eh?!
I just had to tell her to her face to stop all forms of contact with me immediately. Let me tell you, she got quite indignant, delivering the all time classic line "But WHY can't you be my friend? I don't see the problem - it is YOU who has the problem. Look - the same thing with you happened with this other guy - and he's my best friend now".
I was left speechless by her brazen childishness. Her final words were "Don't worry, you'll be OK = you'll get over me in a few months". Sweet mother of GOD - where were my boxing gloves...?!!! :box:

I later found out from a female friend of mine, she told her she had 'broken my heart'.


The good news is, I learnt a lot from this situation and aim NEVER to be seen (or treated) as a chump by any woman for the rest of my life - so help me God!

Hope the date with the new girl went OK!