My new mindset with dating and women

[sangheilios]

After a couple painful experiences earlier last year I've developed an attitude to just not care about women anymore. I've had a couple dates and what I do now is to set up arrangements that do not involve going out of my way at all to meet up with them.

For example, I met up with a woman for a mini golfing date that was at a place across the street from the gym I go to. I literally went to workout, changed, went across the street for the date and then went home afterwards. I had no intention of seeing her afterwards and she probably sensed that as well, as she never did text me afterwards despite clearly wanting to extend our date.

I just expect to be disappointed with every woman I meet, which I am, and because of this I just don't care anymore lol. I go out with my friends at least once a week and maybe I talk to a ***** but they are just so boring I can't even be bothered. I was out with one of my friends and he wanted to talk to these pair of girls so I acted as his wingman. The girl I was talking to was a 7-8 blonde girl who was a premed major. Anyway, she was so stuck on herself, was honestly one of the most one sided conversations I have ever had. I grew bored and pulled out my phone to check the time and my text messages and remember seeing the look on her face as she awkwardly looked down and away, as if she was shocked I wasn't showering her with attention. She quickly excused herself after that and I remember the sense of relief I got from being removed of her presence.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

That mindset is going to come out and women will sense it and bail, as you've seen. It sounds like you are angry with an entire gender based on bad experiences. I just think it's dangerous to have that mindset unless you are ok being a monk the rest of your life. Caring too much is the issue most guys have, but you don't want to go all the way to the other side of that.

As for your example with the premed student, one thing you might try (if you aren't doing it already) is get her to qualify herself. Question her statements, making her explain herself at a deeper level. If she says something super vain, just look at her with a questioning smirk and don't say anything and wait for her to break the silence. Often times, the one-sided conversations from women are because they are nervous, but IMHO women should be doing 80% of the talking in your conversations anyway (especially early ones).

I might suggest getting into some hobbies that attract the type of women you find stimulating, instead of the boring basic b*tches doing their brunch etc.

 

[sangheilios]

That mindset is going to come out and women will sense it and bail, as you've seen. It sounds like you are angry with an entire gender based on bad experiences. I just think it's dangerous to have that mindset unless you are ok being a monk the rest of your life. Caring too much is the issue most guys have, but you don't want to go all the way to the other side of that.

As for your example with the premed student, one thing you might try (if you aren't doing it already) is get her to qualify herself. Question her statements, making her explain herself at a deeper level. If she says something super vain, just look at her with a questioning smirk and don't say anything and wait for her to break the silence. Often times, the one-sided conversations from women are because they are nervous, but IMHO women should be doing 80% of the talking in your conversations anyway (especially early ones).

I might suggest getting into some hobbies that attract the type of women you find stimulating, instead of the boring basic b*tches doing their brunch etc.

Right now I'm in a place where I just want to spend time with my friends, exercise/train, make money and work towards my goals. I told one of my friends that I only go out because I want to have a good time with the boys but with no expectations or interest in actually meeting women. If it happens, cool, if not I don't care. I used to care too much about the interactions I had with women to the point where things that didn't quite work out for me lead to disappointment and frustration. Now I've learned to just be totally detached from all of this and just focus on myself.

 

[CptRomn]

Right now I'm in a place where I just want to spend time with my friends, exercise/train, make money and work towards my goals. I told one of my friends that I only go out because I want to have a good time with the boys but with no expectations or interest in actually meeting women. If it happens, cool, if not I don't care. I used to care too much about the interactions I had with women to the point where things that didn't quite work out for me lead to disappointment and frustration. Now I've learned to just be totally detached from all of this and just focus on myself.

I don't see anything wrong with the way you have decided to cope, eventually you will heal. Just takes time, never forget the lessons learned from your experiences though.

 

[logicallefty]

OP, I think your "I don't give a fvck" attitude is better than the opposite extreme of extreme caring and betaism, but as was said above by @oldmanofthesea , you don't want to overdo it or they will sense that too. You gotta find that happy medium. Go out with women WANTING to be there and caring that you are there right now, but not NEEDING to be there. Care about the night, have a great time, but don't try to picture her as your wife or girlfriend. It's all about the moment, right here and now.

Another thing that fit's this context is my old Beer Theory:

I agree OP.

Logicallefty's Think of Women as Beer Theory:

When you as a man drink beer (or whatever you love to drink.. I say beer because that's all I drink), you do what? You drink the beer. It makes you happy. You enjoy yourself. You are entertained. All is good at the time you drink it.

But when the beer is gone/you stop drinking, what happens? It's GONE! It was temporary. Don't expect any further satisfaction from THAT particular beer in the future, because it's gone. Especially after you pi$$ it out!

When I used to get out of a LTR, I would go out. Have fun. Have s3x with a woman. But then the next day feel a sense of emptyness because, well, it's over, it's done, it's gone.

This would happen to me until a couple of years ago. One morning I was driving home from a chick's house that I had fvcked all night, and had great sex, but I knew there was no LTR potential. On that drive it hit me!

Women and beer are no different! And what happens when I want more beer after the beer I had is gone? I drink different beer! Even if its the same kind of beer, it's not the same exact beer I had last night. That beer is gone.

When you think of women just like you do beer, you will never be disappointed. You go out. You have a great time with a woman. Maybe you have sex, maybe you don't. But when it's over, she is gone. She was temporary. Do not expect to see her again.

Now, if you do see her again.. Well.. You know there is that chance that you drink beer, pi$$ it out, it goes into the septic and into the ground. Turns to clean water.. Then the beer company taps the creek nearby and makes beer out of that same water.. And you drink that same "water" again. What is the chance of this? About the same as the chance you SHOULD EXPECT to see the same woman again..

I hope you get the idea.

Keep your expectations with women the same as you do the beer you are drinking at a given moment, and you will never be let down ever again. :rockon:

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I agree with @CptRomn - Sounds like you just need time. A lot of people say you start getting the best results when you stop caring so it could be exactly what you need, and focusing on yourself and having fun with friends are perfect primary goals to have all through life!

 

[Ranger]

There is the potential to show no interest. I think that is a mistake. But that’s me.
I don’t mind her talking the most. I kinda expect it.

Having no interest will get you no interest. Learn to assert your sexuality.
You are allowed to be sexual in nature. Let it out.

 

[Ranger]

I don’t like the IDGF attitude. I think it’s garbage. Once she shows it’s different.
Now if she rejects you right off? Yep. It doesn’t matter. Move on.
If she’s there on a date, it’s a different dynamic. Intimacy. Getting close. Touching. etc. I like that stuff. IDGF has no place on a date.

 

[sangheilios]

I agree with @CptRomn - Sounds like you just need time. A lot of people say you start getting the best results when you stop caring so it could be exactly what you need, and focusing on yourself and having fun with friends are perfect primary goals to have all through life!

Honestly, throughout my entire young adult life I've always had a really hard time with women/dating that it always lead to burn out and needing to take breaks. However, the difference now is that instead of blaming myself and putting all the pressure on myself I've turned it around onto them. I now ask myself "why am I even wasting my time with this woman" or "is this someone I honestly would be interested in".

I intuitively feel like that I am meant to be single though, as trying to find anyone who is compatible with me will be a challenge. I exercise a lot and enjoy being active, so looking for a woman like that is hard in itself. I'm also very well educated and would be considered "intellectual", so of course that is hard to find as well lol.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Honestly, throughout my entire young adult life I've always had a really hard time with women/dating that it always lead to burn out and needing to take breaks. However, the difference now is that instead of blaming myself and putting all the pressure on myself I've turned it around onto them. I now ask myself "why am I even wasting my time with this woman" or "is this someone I honestly would be interested in".

I intuitively feel like that I am meant to be single though, as trying to find anyone who is compatible with me will be a challenge. I exercise a lot and enjoy being active, so looking for a woman like that is hard in itself. I'm also very well educated and would be considered "intellectual", so of course that is hard to find as well lol.

Are they even worth your time? The right ones will be.

 

[sangheilios]

Are they even worth your time? The right ones will be.

I know that, but I've met so many women that created drama in my life due to their own issues. However, when I was younger I used to think it was me causing these things to happen when the issues were with the women themselves. The only thing I did wrong not walking away due to not understanding that these women were crazy and/or had issues that were not a result of anything that I had done.

I also feel that many of the problems I have are more to do with this generation of young women and not so much female nature itself. The degree of narcissism and addiction to attention and validation is rampant, which I've posted about before on here. Seriously, just look at any woman's social media and look at the comments she will get about how pretty she is, how hard working she is, etc.

 

[marmel75]

How is this extreme any better than the other extreme?

When you get the same poor results with many different women, the problem isn't them its YOU.

 

[Dash Riprock]

IDGF has no place on a date.

It actually does. Maybe it's the way you're defining it. IDGAF and Abundance Mindset should be the backdrop in all his interactions with her.

Not that he doesn't care about her, it's good if he does. Have fun, plan fun things, get out, drink, s*ex her up, all that stuff. BUT, he shouldn't give a f*uck (IDGAF) if she flakes, dumps him, goes back to Chad the ex, whatever. Most guys would get all freaked out, start chasing, crying, or posting desperate messages on SS. If you truly have the IDGAF mindset, and it takes time to develop (took me years), it's shoulder shrug, and ok, next batter up. That's it.

 

[sangheilios]

How is this extreme any better than the other extreme?

When you get the same poor results with many different women, the problem isn't them its YOU.

The problem is with those women lol. This was from a while ago, but I was dating a Mexican woman in her early twenties, I was 27 at the time, and during the time we went out she had an attitude. I had enough of it and said to her "If a 6'4", fit and attractive white dude who doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs isn't good enough something is wrong". Anyway, we ended up calling it quits and she ended up going out with this dude who was almost a foot shorter than me and covered in tattoos. After seeing that her statement of me being too "boring" made sense lol despite the fact I took her mini golfing, hiking, etc. and was actually nice to her.

The only women I met that actually had a lot of potential were those who weren't single, I had a couple I met at my gym who were taken that actually mentioned being free/available and were open to spending time with me despite having bfs.

 

[Spaz]

Being an intellectual is definitely harder then most when it comes to social interaction with women.

High IQ is always followed by Low EQ, it's an unfortunate byproduct of being gifted in an intellectual sense.

But given time and perseverance, you'll learn, it's just that you're "slower" as your mind thinks in logics and rationality.

So have some faith and you'll need to learn since intellectuals are naturally slower to pick up on social cues.

 

[sangheilios]

Being an intellectual is definitely harder then most when it comes to social interaction with women.

High IQ is always followed by Low EQ, it's an unfortunate byproduct of being gifted in an intellectual sense.

But given time and perseverance, you'll learn, it's just that you're "slower" as your mind thinks in logics and rationality.

So have some faith and you'll need to learn since intellectuals are naturally slower to pick up on social cues.

That's actually what my group of friends said to me when were all hanging out one time, not out of bullying but just a matter of fact. One was mentioning how when we go out all these women are into me and then he said I would behave in a way that made it seem I wasn't interested, which is the case some of the time. Another friend then said that I can't read women, which I'm not entirely sure what that means, and then mentioned that I need to smile more and that I come across across as a bit aggressive when I'm approaching women. A newer friend of mine tells me I'm not capitalizing on openings and that I hold back too much, which he realizes isn't intentional. That particular friend I go out with regularly and he almost acts like a coach, tells me what I should have done during a given approach with a group of women, etc.

 

[Spaz]

It actually does. Maybe it's the way you're defining it. IDGAF and Abundance Mindset should be the backdrop in all his interactions with her.

Not that he doesn't care about her, it's good if he does. Have fun, plan fun things, get out, drink, s*ex her up, all that stuff. BUT, he shouldn't give a f*uck (IDGAF) if she flakes, dumps him, goes back to Chad the ex, whatever. Most guys would get all freaked out, start chasing, crying, or posting desperate messages on SS. If you truly have the IDGAF mindset, and it takes time to develop (took me years), it's shoulder shrug, and ok, next batter up. That's it.

True Dash.

Ideally this is what a man should learn to acquire.

It's unfortunate that those in the passive quadrants are more susceptible to being hurt as opposed to those in the dominant quadrants hence the proliferation of passives in the forum.

 

[Spaz]

That's actually what my group of friends said to me when were all hanging out one time, not out of bullying but just a matter of fact. One was mentioning how when we go out all these women are into me and then he said I would behave in a way that made it seem I wasn't interested, which is the case some of the time. Another friend then said that I can't read women, which I'm not entirely sure what that means. A newer friend of mine tells me I'm not capitalizing on openings and that I hold back too much, which he realizes isn't intentional. That particular friend I go out with regularly and he almost acts like a coach, tells me what I should have done during a given approach with a group of women, etc.

It takes time to learn social cues.

But what's important is learning, baby steps and don't expect any fast results yet. Give it time and mingle around with males, observe how they interact with women, slowly learn.

Another thing is, don't aim for women with high EQ, those social butterflies, ignore those and target those women that's nerdy.

Then build up from there.

 

[backseatjuan]

Oh no, you come across as an angry person. That don't give a fck approach even makes you show up to a date without taking a shower after a gym. That chick you talked to that left, you came across instantly as someone having low sexual market value. You need to change your dating approach asap. Realize you are doing what you doing because you've been hurt in the past, sht boy, you even say it yourself, 'after a handful of painful experiences', and this new attitude of yours is nothing more than an angry beta males defense mechanism. Aw, are you angry at your mommy who you afraid to ask if you can be her boyfriend? Get the fck out man, it's a phase you're going through, get over it.

Try this instead, never bring your past into present.

Approach each date afresh, each woman is a different personality, it does not make sense to treat each new woman based on your past 'emotional encounters with women', just read that quoted line as 'I'm *****, I don't get sex, I come home and masturbate, I'm a looser'.

Adapt sht test mentality, you're a sht testing her, you seeing if she qualifies to be your fck buddy. Does she come late for her date? Teeth her about it. Geez, do you know what they say about girls that come late for teh date? No what.. I'll tell you later about it.

Realize she's not stupid, if she purposefully throws red flags she's telling you something, maybe she's not looking for a boyfriend, and just wants to fck. Do remember red flags for the future, but in the now they mean just one thing, escalate.


read this

I guess it's that time of year lol. Be thankful, motherfvckers. But on a more serious note, I want to expand on something that I've touched on before but that I think is an integral part of sustaining an internal sense of value & an external motivation for success: With women, with your friends, with your career and, most importantly, with yourself.
I know it's easy to look at where you want to be and focus on all the places that your life comes up short. I think each of us has a kind of idealized version of ourselves we're always competing against and, since it's idealized, coming up short. The ideal version of yourself would've talked to that cute girl at the gym, gotten her number, slept with her, etc. I think each of us carries an idealized woman that we compare all the girls we meet against. An idealized lifestyle. An idealized group of friends. And so on.

Then, when we fall short of these idealizations, the natural reaction is to look for excuses--usually external. Well, if I had a straighter nose and broader shoulders, I'd be able to talk to that girl at the gym or that girl on Tinder wouldn't've flaked. And if it wasn't for feminism or the instability of the nuclear family in the West, that girl would appreciate me anyway. And, well, if I just had more money it wouldn't matter that my nose wasn't straight and I'd have cooler friends. And so on.

But what if I told you that whatever you're going through in life, wherever you are in your journey, YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. Millions and millions of variables going back tens of thousands of years and all the decisions you've made in the past have brought you to this exact moment. How crazy is that? And guess what? Nobody is ever going to have the exact experience of yourself that you're going through right now.

And the you you are right now won't be the same you 10 years from now. Every single girl you ever meet, ever kiss, ever feel anything toward won't exist in 10 years. That moment, as soon as it happens, is gone. That girl, as soon as her emotions change or her station in life changes, won't ever be that same girl ever again. And you might kiss other girls and feel chemistry with other girls, but it won't be the same you, the experience will be changed, your perspective will be different.

You might be asking, OK, whatever, @fastlife, what am I supposed to do with this information? How is this supposed to help me get laid? And to that I say, thoughts are habits. If you focus constantly on what you lack, then all you'll find in life are the places you come up short. And since humans aren't great at focusing on more than one thought at a time, you'll be missing out on all the opportunities around you and taking for granted all the advantages you do have and all the good things that you have in your life right now that won't be here forever.

I challenge everyone to take a couple moments everyday to step away from whatever your going through/thinking and really focus on what you have to appreciate about that moment and all the moments from your past. Make it a habit. Nothing huge just 30 seconds 3-4 times a day. And I think what you'll find is that not only do you have more to be thankful for than you realize, but once this type of thought become a habit, your brain will start coming up with new ways to preserve this way of thinking.

Right now I'm in a place where I just want to spend time with my friends, exercise/train, make money and work towards my goals.

Obviously prior the focus was on meeting women, trying to get yourself into a relationship. This place you are right now is super good, that's where you should be, except with women you somehow stuck up in the past. That's beta male quality.

I told one of my friends that I only go out because I want to have a good time with the boys but with no expectations or interest in actually meeting women. If it happens, cool, if not I don't care.

It's a phase you're going through. You still somehow care too much and protect your feelings. Each person is different, I had that thing because I'd get into oneitis easily with pretty much everything that moved and had tits. Sht, she look at me, gd, she talked to me, that's it man, I'm developing one it is on her, she's my future wife!

instead of fcking up and learning from it I've turned it around onto them, I expect them to fck up and learn from it

There you go! That's your problem. Fix it.

 

[sangheilios]

Oh no, you come across as an angry person. That don't give a fck approach even makes you show up to a date without taking a shower after a gym. That chick you talked to that left, you came across instantly as someone having low sexual market value. You need to change your dating approach asap. Realize you are doing what you doing because you've been hurt in the past, sht boy, you even say it yourself, 'after a handful of painful experiences', and this new attitude of yours is nothing more than an angry beta males defense mechanism. Aw, are you angry at your mommy who you afraid to ask if you can be her boyfriend? Get the fck out man, it's a phase you're going through, get over it.

Try this instead, never bring your past into present.

Approach each date afresh, each woman is a different personality, it does not make sense to treat each new woman based on your past 'emotional encounters with women', just read that quoted line as 'I'm *****, I don't get sex, I come home and masturbate, I'm a looser'.

Adapt sht test mentality, you're a sht testing her, you seeing if she qualifies to be your fck buddy. Does she come late for her date? Teeth her about it. Geez, do you know what they say about girls that come late for teh date? No what.. I'll tell you later about it.

Realize she's not stupid, if she purposefully throws red flags she's telling you something, maybe she's not looking for a boyfriend, and just wants to fck. Do remember red flags for the future, but in the now they mean just one thing, escalate.


read this






Obviously prior the focus was on meeting women, trying to get yourself into a relationship. This place you are right now is super good, that's where you should be, except with women you somehow stuck up in the past. That's beta male quality.



It's a phase you're going through. You still somehow care too much and protect your feelings. Each person is different, I had that thing because I'd get into oneitis easily with pretty much everything that moved and had tits. Sht, she look at me, gd, she talked to me, that's it man, I'm developing one it is on her, she's my future wife!

I've posted about this a lot on here, but I get what you would call oneitis very easily but there is a reason as to why. People gravitate towards those who are roughly on par with them across the board (looks, education, hobbies, etc.) so for me I've always had a hard time. I'm 6'4", fit and regularly told by people I'm attractive, so naturally I'd gravitate my attention towards girls that would be considered pretty. I like to workout a lot, take care of myself and all around enjoy being active, so again I gravitate towards women that like to do those same things. I'm also considered intellectual/bright, the people I can truly be 100% with are those who have advanced degrees and who are much older than I am.

Now, with all that said I'm going to have all that said I am going to have one hell of a time finding a woman that can match all of that, anyone who says otherwise is a fool lol. I've tried compromising on a few different variables and it never really worked, though the one that I cannot do away with would be the requirement of being attracted to her physically. I actually have met women that matched me across the board and genuinely enjoyed being around but they were never single at all, which shouldn't surprise anyone.

I honestly do try to have an abundance mindset but when so many women are just not what I am looking for it is hard to change that pattern of thinking.