My mother is an AFC

[Ambition Now]

No, this is not a joke.

My mother is a huge AFC, she is always trying to please everybody and when she doesnt she feels guilty about it.

I am always seeing her tired, sad, frustrated and angry because people are always abusing her "niceness".

Lots of people in my family like my grandmother, my aunt and my brother are always manipulating her to get what they want from them... she is really frustrated with this, because in her mind she always thought that being nice would led at people being nice to her...

She is always complaining about the lack of consideration and respect from anyone around her but she doesnt do anything about it.

I feel like she doesnt have the energy to fight back the abusesrs in her life at her 50's.

When I talk to her about it she says thats just the way her personality is (clearly the symptom of decades of AFC brainwashing).

I just feel like I need to help her... but I really dont know how because I cant act for her...

Can anybody here show me ways I can help her?

 

[kingy]

give examples to us of things that happen

and give her a hug from me. she sounds lovely

 

[Ambition Now]

She is really lovely, but like Ive said before she has decades of AFC brainwashing mostly from her mother and my father.

She raised me and my brother mostly by herself and struggled in some hard times for raising us and giving us the best she could... and she did a great job, so I know that she is a strong person, she is just not believing in herself anymore.

Mostly of my past AFC way of thinking i am sure Ive got from her, but I dont blame her because Ive realised that it was mainly because of my most of the time absent father. I had no male model to follow in my youth.

Some examples are:
My brother is a really immature person... while I grew up with the AFC mindset, he grew up with a selfish mindset who dont take responsability for his own life.

He always blame my mother for any sh1t that may happen in his life and expects my mother to provide everything for him instead of taking responsability for the things he want in life.

He has absolutely NO respect for my mother and when she is not doing what he wants he yells at her and manipulate her using victim mentality.

My aunt is a control freak who the best pleasure in life seems to criticize my mother in anything she do and to put down her whenever she feels its right. She is partner of my mother in their business so my mother has to meet this b1tch everyday.

And my grandmother is a lonely old lady who dont do anything in life except calling my mother daily to stay hours on the phone saying bad things about other people... my mother is sick of it and just cant say no to her.

I know, I got a pretty f*cked up family and I consider my self very lucky that i am kind of "last of the sane" in here (thanks sosuave! )

 

[DJDamage]

!

I just feel like I need to help her... but I really dont know how because I cant act for her...

This one is a tricky one but if all else fails then maybe you can act on her behalf.

Look she is your mother right?! so as her son if you see someone treating your mother like crap then maybe its time you step up and have a sit down (like in the mafia) with your brother, aunt and grandmother. They need to know that you are taking it upon yourself without your mother's knowledge or approval to protect her because you have seen your family take advantage of her for a long time and if they continue with this crap then you are willing to take drastic measures like splitting the family up (what is the good of family anyways if they only bring you pain and suffering?)

Your brother may also need to get his ass kicked and if he doesn't like it then he can move on his own.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If she doesn't realize her problem, then you can't do much. However, if she does, tell her to read this book. It was written specifically for people like your mom that have a hard time saying no to people. Filled with easy examples and exercises to quickly build assertiveness.

It was used as the primary source at a workshop I attended many years ago and helped me immensely.

 

[Ambition Now]

Ill try what DJDamage suggested, Its a good opportunity to step up and be the man of my family, but doing that only wont solve the problem because part of the problem is on my mothers beliefs and behaviours, so I will definetly suggest some readings to her too (thanks for the suggestion taiyuu).

I will encourage her to find some hobbies and goals so she can have a life of her own away of all the abusive people in her life.

Im making a list of things she can do that DONT include those people like meditation, yoga, reading books, watching films and so on.

The most time she spent away from these people the better.

I hope it works! Thank you!

 

[amoka]

Don't tell her anything. Do what DJDamage suggested, and secretly buy her the book taiyuu suggest for her birthday or some "special" occasion.

 

[WaterTiger]

Your mother grew up in a time when "nice women" were taught to give, give, give & if they wanted anything for themselves they were HORRIBLE! SELFISH! people. They think the only way they can be loved & respected is to give everything to who ever wants it.

Sure! I can bake 300 cookies for the bake sale!
Sure! I can lend you $100.
Sure! I can drive you to the mall and pick you up in 3 hours!
Sure! I can loan you my brand new jacket! (that I haven't even worn yet)

As you've noticed, this attracts leaches, users and abusers. (It never attracts grateful people! So unfair!)

She has to learn to say NO. It's hard. It will piss off the users in the family, and they will tell her she's selfish & horrible (Her worst fear) But she HAS to learn how to do it or she'll give herself to death.

I was the same way for years. I "loaned" out thousands of dollars, gave of my time & my possessions. What did it get me? So called "friends" that vanished off the planet when I needed something. I finally had a real friend give me an intervention of sorts and made me see I was being "too nice", nobody respects "too nice".

The first time I said "No, can't help you, I have plans that day." I thought my heart would explode the anxiety was so bad. But it didn't explode & I survived. You should tak to your mom.


....threatening the family will do wonders as well!

 

[Warrior74]

Your mother grew up in a time when "nice women" were taught to give, give, give & if they wanted anything for themselves they were HORRIBLE! SELFISH! people. They think the only way they can be loved & respected is to give everything to who ever wants it.

Sure! I can bake 300 cookies for the bake sale!
Sure! I can lend you $100.
Sure! I can drive you to the mall and pick you up in 3 hours!
Sure! I can loan you my brand new jacket! (that I haven't even worn yet)

As you've noticed, this attracts leaches, users and abusers. (It never attracts grateful people! So unfair!)

She has to learn to say NO. It's hard. It will piss off the users in the family, and they will tell her she's selfish & horrible (Her worst fear) But she HAS to learn how to do it or she'll give herself to death.

I was the same way for years. I "loaned" out thousands of dollars, gave of my time & my possessions. What did it get me? So called "friends" that vanished off the planet when I needed something. I finally had a real friend give me an intervention of sorts and made me see I was being "too nice", nobody respects "too nice".

The first time I said "No, can't help you, I have plans that day." I thought my heart would explode the anxiety was so bad. But it didn't explode & I survived. You should tak to your mom.


....threatening the family will do wonders as well!

my ex wife's mother is like this as well. She's killing herself trying to hold her entire family together. And they are so selfish they just take and take from the poor woman and hardly ever give her anything back. Her husband is a milktoast who won't stand up to anyone either. When I've said something to her about it (she'll tell me when talking about my daughter), she replies that it's what Jesus would do, sacrifice himself for others. I admire her christian values, but I hate to see her be a door mate. Needless to say my ex doesn't treat her mother much better than the rest of the family, just uses her for stuff constantly.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

I thought AFC just applies to guys, since women are insecure by nature

Bingo!

Yes, the problem lies when men start acting like women, giving, manipulative, and letting people step all over them, in order to gain a woman's approval. That is not sexy. AFC men usually have an agenda. Women might have an agenda, yet most of the time they are not even conciously aware they do it to manipulate. Most men do. They try to "buy" a woman into bed.

 

[Ambition Now]

Yes WaterTiger, she grew up when society was very different, and the reason of her suffering is not being able to see how much society has changed and being able to adapt her behaviours because of it.

I think its really hard for her to see how society is today, its really hard for her to accept that the reality she is living in is just a perception that she has created in the past and dont fit to her life anymore.

 

[Sinistar]

Your mother is not AFC - the term does not apply to women (IMHO). However, as men become more AFC (especially with one-itis) they tend to become like women. A mega AFC guy will start placing others (the oneitis) first, become emotional and start acting more like a women when it comes to decisions, feelings, etc.

From your description of your mother, she IS THE RESCUER/SAVIOR. I wish I knew pysch better, but I'm about 98% sure this comes from her upbringing. Somewhere, someplace she was either conditioned (or trained herself) to behave this way in response to her environment. Who knows, maybe she was afraid of grandpappy when he drank. Or maybe one of them was not well balanced. Or maybe her child friendships were never normal. In either case she has been programmed from very early on to put others first to fill some void (or avoid some void!).

You mom might have a better life if she could learn to put herself first. But that will be extremely difficult to unlearn and possibly quite stressful, especially if forced. Like any true solution she needs to want to find a better answer (which usually comes from her current behaviours burning her badly enough to get her asking herself why me?)

Remember, psych doesn't seem logical at first. On the outside you see your mom running ragged helping others, being taken advantage of, etc. However, if you were to try and see it deeper you might see that she is avoiding have to display her real self or stand entirely on her own. Or perhaps, she craves the attention so much that she'll set herself up for these conditions and then once she is "helping" someone she can think about it, talk about it, feel emotions associated with it (well, actually probably emotions related to the originating event way back when). I think you get the point. Don't just look at it on the outside. There is always another layer when behaviors are self destructive.

Now to the real reason I posted. How much of this rubbed off on you? You are younger. These tendencies (whether man or woman) are not good if you want to master the game and more importantly, your life. Many a good man has been handicapped with the rescuer/savior subprogram well before he even discovers girls.

Kill this off in yourself. It may be the best example for your mom because she'll see you have positive experiences following a different, non co-dependent path.

 

[Ambition Now]

Thanks for the response Sinistar.

I can see the reason of your post.

The truth is that I got a lot from my mothers behaviour, I see myself the way I used to be and I can totally see my mother in my actions and in my way of thinking.

I got into this site like most of people here, to learn how to deal with an oneitis and to me my problem was only that, but as I was reading posts here I was becoming more aware of the self destructive behaviour I was into.

I am making progress in changing my own behaviour and thats why I want to help my mother, because Ive felt the pain of having ZERO consideration and respect for myself.

My mind used to work in a way that if I wasnt doing what people in my life wanted, they would leave me and I would probably be alone, and this fear would led me too behave like my mother. Thats probably the motivation for her behaviour.

As I am making progress in my life right now, I can totally see that some people expect you to behave this way and YES, they will probably move out from my life because I am not their doormat anymore.

The most important thing to realise is that nobody is a necessity in my life.
Sure its good to share my life with friends and people, but if I see myself in a situation where I wont have anyone to share my life with, I know thats just a momentary thing and healthier relantionships will come along if I work myself for that.

 

[Novelus]

Your mom sounds like my mom. She gives and gives and gives, and a lot of her friends take, take, and take.

This stresses her so much that sometimes she'd accuse my father of being one of the takers (not true), or my sister and I of being takers (not true). She "does everything for everybody," even when none of us (my father, sister or me) has asked her to.

I heard this from her when I was growing up, and have wobbled between sympathy for her, and resentment for some of the comments she said to me, blaming me for her situation. Mostly, though, I have sympathy. She is a very giving person and doesn't know how to say no, or carve out some time and space in her life for HERSELF.

My mother is older than yours. Women of this generation were taught to do exactly this. Give, give, give, and do nothing for themselves.

Modern women are taught to take and take and give nothing.

Women need to strike a balance.

Men do, too.