My girlfriend's gay best friend

[AthletesRun24]

Great title right? I have been annoyed with this guy from the beginning, and it makes no difference that he is gay. Actually it does, because if he was straight I probably would be even more annoyed. But my girlfriend of 7 month's best friend is gay and he has been her best friend all her life. They do hang out one on one sometimes(never staying the night with each other), text(he sends her annoying texts, like "please come back into my life" kind of texts). But I do know he has a boyfriend and I do trust my girlfriend. That isn't the issue. The issues is I really messed up and made myself look like "that guy". I finally got so annoyed with him for having false expectations for their friendship and not really respecting my relationship with my girlfriend. He would always expect her to hang out with him and I know he resents me because I take their friendship time away from each other. But I feel like he is out of line sometimes because he needs to understand that their friendship is going to be different now that she is with me and she can't give him the time she used to be able to give him.

Well I sent him a nasty message on facebook about how he needs to back off and respect me and my girlfriend's relationship more and instead of confronting me(he really must be gay) he took it out on my girlfriend and said he can't be friends with her anymore. So now she wants to break up with me because she says it's unfair I put her in a situation where she has to choose between her best friend and me, and of course I'm the jerk boyfriend who is insulted by the fact that she is making it look like she would choose her friendship with him over me. They have no past together, they have always been just friends and I do think I was out of line and really messed up. How do I fix this? My girl wont talk to me. She says it's over. Do I really have any way of making things right with her? I don't want to lose my relationship over a dumb mistake I made. What do I do? Nice advice only. I don't need to be told how dumb I was to send the message because I already know lol.

 

[zekko]

You may not like this, but:
She wants to break up with you, I say just let the relationship drop, because this guy is just going to continue to be an annoyance to you as long as you are with her. Go find a girl who doesn't have a gay guy (or some other dude) for a best friend.

 

[Cremasta]

Depends on the lead-up. Did you:

a) Tell your girl how you felt about her spending all that time with her friend, and give her time to change her behaviour?
If she didn't, just walk away with your head held high, because you were never a priority for her.

b) Just bottle it up and eventually blindsided them both with your Facebook rant?
In that case you're at fault and you should probably just chalk this one up to experience and move on.

Either way, unless the girl wants to talk and clear the air, this one is finished.

Good luck

 

[Who Dares Win]

She wants to break-up with you, do you think she would consider to break up with her boyfriend just because of some minor easily fixable problems as those?

She just wants to break up while not feeling/looking guilty therefore she found a plausible reason to save face and blame someone else.

 

[backbreaker]

so you basically got AMOGed by a gay dude lol that's got to be ****ty.

how do you let an openly gay guy get under your skin? A girl i used to date, Anita, had a gay best friend, i mean..; dude he's ****ing gay lol. ; ir's not a game to get in her pants, it's not like he's taking the super duper beta route to make her like him, HE LIKES D!CKS


I used to get annoyed when the gay guy used to be overly flirty with me. Anita an i had a talk and she was like "oh he just plays like that" and i was like that's not right. what if he was a real female and he was hititng on me and talking about **** yoyu would not tolerate it.


[anyway, you got out gamed by a dude, that likes to suck ****. think about that.


you guys really do not get it. he (the op) insulted her best friend. this is a guy that she knew all her life, this isn't some guy she met at a club and put in platonic friend mode, your'e not going to get away with that, and the OP got out gamed by a dude who didn't even wnat the girl


when the time game, the girl would have had the talk with the friend herself.; she has to hve it one day. it's not for you to make that decision on when / how much time she spends with her friend.

 

[hudpes]

I get it. It's about time and emotional investment; you feel like you should get out of the situation more than she's willing to allocate you and rightfully so. Her behavior is immature. Her gayfriend is essentially her girlfriend and girlfriends stick together like rubber and glue in adolescence - when they meet a guy they fall for, the friendship diminishes and they "disappear" from eachother's lives. If she gets a guy and insists on keeping the friendship intact, then something is wrong, she's not all yours, and I don't mean that because of this guy, I mean she doesn't love you enough. This is why it seemed so easy for her to drop you. You're better off without her, so congratulations on not wasting further time!!!

 

[wishyo]

wow, pretty messed up case... girlfriend's gay friend who has a boyfriend, just rofl
follow the regular break up case, dont get in touch with her.. I would probably try to talk to that gay dude. not sure how to structure the dialogue though, i have pretty much no experience talking to gay dudes, probably talk about emotions, how u value her, how he and ur GF misunderstood your point and stuff..
talking to a gay dude about ur relationship with a girl.. what a joke. lol seriously

 

[El Payaso]

This is why try to control a woman openly never works. I never understood men who went after another man for fvcking his girlfriend or something similar. Why the fvck would you send him a nasty message? Did you think your girlfriend would be impressed by your oh so awesome manliness?

If you don't like your woman having a gay best friend or a male best friend, then you simply don't date one or you walk away. PERIOD. You just walk away. She has clearly shown you who she values more in her life. If you go back now, all you'll tell her is that you have no self value, no self respect and no confidence. That you're willing to compromise your values just to say you're in a relationship. :nono:

The best course of action right now is to learn from your mistake. Gently let a woman know what you don't tolerate and if she doesn't want to let it up, then you simply walk away. Don't argue, don't fight, don't try to set it right, just walk away.

 

[backbreaker]

the whole point is, everyone, at least the op and a few who responded... see this here, is how i know 80% of the forum has no real life action experei ne with women


you are looking at at this dude, like he's competition / a dude. you have to look at a gay dude just ilke you look at a female friend, beucase that's what it really is. if he is really gay i mean, he's gay ol. your girl is not going to pine over the gay ****, and your gay friend isn't going to get drunk one night and ****k the brains out of your girl lol. he's GAY.

i honestly would not give 2 ****s if my wife had a gay friend. im' surprised she doesn't. I mean, what the ****? he's gay lol. what are you afraid of? they're frends. just like my wife is friends with all her other female friends. ;


you got butthurt and overstepped it and it backfired. just admit it. you told her to chose sides, when if this was another woman, you would not have thought twice about it

 

[Black Widow Void]

"Backbreaker" It looks like you took the opportunity to insult the OP and 'parade' yourself, but offered nothing more. What's your purpose? Apparently to use someone (coming on board for guidance) as a way to make yourself feel good - and at their expense. What a 'hero' you must be in real life. OP, consider the source when reading his advice.

OP - At the risk of stereotyping, I know the type that you've described. This isn't about someone that is gay, but their behavior pattern. I've been there (when younger with a manipulative mother of a girl, later with the gay friend of a woman). We all need outside friends in our lives of course, but the type you described sounds more competitive with your girl than the type to understand balance.

Emotional investment is like any other type of investment - like, putting in chips at a poker game and after so much upping the ante, you don't want to bow out (but inside you know that cutting your losses would probably best).

Although this guy is no doubt being manipulative, you also need to consider that your girl was also a willing participant. Not fun to acknowledge, I'm sure, but it's a fact.

Go no contact. If and when she calls, keep things very up beat and end the conversation within the first three minutes. If she tried to talk about the relationship, keep it positive and say that you have to go but will call her back and then DON'T!

If she doesn't contact again in two weeks, you could send a light playful text, but nothing that sounds romantic or about the relationship.

Contacting her may be tempting, but her so called 'wounds' are fresh. Also, she needs time to miss you. Scarcity will increase your value - meanwhile, her gay friend will suddenly lose his power as a result.

Think about it; due to the gay friend, your girlfriend was scarce at times and this did increase her value. If you can pull off that same behavior (by not sounding bitter, but upbeat - leaving on a high note and also leaving quickly) you will turn those tables.

 

[backbreaker]

"Backbreaker" It looks like you took the opportunity to insult the OP and 'parade' yourself, but offered nothing more. What's your purpose? Apparently to use someone (coming on board for guidance) as a way to make yourself feel good - and at their expense. What a 'hero' you must be in real life. OP, consider the source when reading his advice.

because he's being homophoic OP doesn't even know why he snapped / went off on the dude. either

1. the op is dating a girl so trashy, he doesn't trust her around her own friends , in whcih case he's an idiot

or

2. the thinks homosexuality is a swithc that you can ut off and on to use to get closer to women, which also makes him an idiot


any normal sane dude whit a GF is not going to have much of a problem if any with her hanging out with a gay best friend that she's known her entire life. OP out thought himself and made it a probelm

 

[the_stig]

Think I'll side with the girlfriend here. They've been lifelong friends and he is openly gay. Clearly not a threat.

Sending him a nasty Facebook message was douche bag thing to do.

I'd kick a girl to the curb if she tried to dictate who I acquainted myself with. Much less people I've known since I was a kid. Relationships come and go, lasting friendships are like family.

Back off and let the girl breath. If her gay friend bothers you that much, better start looking for a new girl, because she has clearly made her choice.

 

[Bible_Belt]

probably thinks she's a "fag hag" deep down.

Women who have gay male friends are fag hags. That's what the phrase means. In my experience, they are usually both social fvckups who can't maintain normal friendships. Both feminine gay men and women treat each other with extreme cattiness. When you see them together, those are the ones who have been driven out of their respective social groups, often for good reason.

And here's another happy thought about your sweet angel girlfriend. Fem gay men might not get turned on by women, but a lot of straight women get turned on by gay men. She's probably the one fantasizing about his sex life, not the other way around. I think you ruined her fantasy of you and him together, and that's why she broke up with you.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Backbreaker, I thought that I'd re-read the OP's post because we can all be a bit skewed and maybe I did overlook some things.

Seems that those that are first to cry the lazy accusation of "homophobic" are ... well, I don't wish to start a flame war, but I think you get it. The OP even states that he's cool with someone that is gay, but it's more about this particular guy's behavior (as stated below).

Great title right? I have been annoyed with this guy from the beginning, and it makes no difference that he is gay.

He would always expect her to hang out with him and I know he resents me because I take their friendship time away from each other. But I feel like he is out of line sometimes because he needs to understand that their friendship is going to be different now that she is with me and she can't give him the time she used to be able to give him.

Sure... the OP messed up. He freely admits that. Anyone with any experience with women has f*ck*d up at times. I sure have and am sure that you have too. The point is... he came here for advice and instead of you offering him advice from your own experiences, you took this opportunity to posture.

 

[zekko]

The OP should be his girlfriend's best friend, not some gay dude.
Also, the gay dude apparently is putting himself into direct competition for how much time she spends with him.
Okay, he likes d!ck. There are also various degrees of homosexuality and bisexuality. There are many cases of girls fooling around with their male gay friends.

I don't see anything wrong with the OP disliking this arrangement. That's why I say he should find another girl who meets his needs better, and he won't have to constantly deal with some gay "best friend" she has hanging around.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Some of you are missing the forest for the trees. Contrary to what the media would have you believe, it's not normal for a straight woman to have a gay dude as such a close friend. Also contrary to what the media would have you believe, gays are not "male girlfriends". Just because he's not fvcking your girl, doesn't mean he's not having a bad influence on her. What do you think their favourite conversation topic is? You. And what do you think he is saying to her about you (especially if he doesn't like you)?

OP, you were absolutely right to make her choose between you and the fairy (though you didn't go about it in the best way) . If she chose the latter, it shows where her priorities lie.

 

[In2theGame]

Some of you are missing the forest for the trees. Contrary to what the media would have you believe, it's not normal for a straight woman to have a gay dude as such a close friend. Also contrary to what the media would have you believe, gays are not "male girlfriends". Just because he's not fvcking your girl, doesn't mean he's not having a bad influence on her. What do you think their favourite conversation topic is? You. And what do you think he is saying to her about you (especially if he doesn't like you)?

OP, you were absolutely right to make her choose between you and the fairy (though you didn't go about it in the best way) . If she chose the latter, it shows where her priorities lie.

Im with what he said 100%, If the girl im with is going to have some twink as a close "friend" I'd tell her to either get rid of him or we're over. Ive seen and heard of so many situations like this go south because the "gay male girlfriend" had an influence in her attitude towards her BF in a negative way. Fvck that!

 

[jimjam]

Have to agree with zekko and others. Dump her before she breaks up with you. Women don't have men as "friends." I mean, what is this, the 2nd fvcking grade?

 

[Thorninmyside]

Take the gay guy's bf out for a beer and see how your girl's BFF likes someone in his other half's ear talking about their business! Girl has bad judgment and needs to go but it sounds like she already has.

 

[Rival]

Some of you are missing the forest for the trees. Contrary to what the media would have you believe, it's not normal for a straight woman to have a gay dude as such a close friend. Also contrary to what the media would have you believe, gays are not "male girlfriends". Just because he's not fvcking your girl, doesn't mean he's not having a bad influence on her. What do you think their favourite conversation topic is? You. And what do you think he is saying to her about you (especially if he doesn't like you)?

OP, you were absolutely right to make her choose between you and the fairy (though you didn't go about it in the best way) . If she chose the latter, it shows where her priorities lie.

also agree with this. I think you have a right as her boyfriend to speak your mind about other guys (gay or not) and their relationship with your girl. Sending the nasty facebook message may have not been the best but it let you see her true colors.

She chose him over you, sucks to hear but your better off knowing how she thinks bro. Let her go get her nails done with d1ck lover and you can go find yourself a better girl.