My girlfriend of 9 months asked me if I loved her last night and I said....

[narcissist]

I have been dating this girl for 9 months and last night we were talking about various things, and the topic of our relationship came up because she told me that I keep a lot of myself and my feelings back from her and try not to reveal too much about myself. I told her that I still haven't determined her role as my girlfriend yet, and what it means for her to be my girlfriend, and that it will take a while for me to determine this, and because of that I said I am holding back a good portion of myself from her because I have to determine what it means to be my girlfriend first before I can essentially reveal more about myself. In reality, I don't want to get too close to her because I am afraid of commitment and being hurt emotionally (I am cool with telling you guys that, but I wouldn't tell her that)

Then after about 5 minutes of talking about this she asked me if I loved her. Now I have said it a few times before, but only when I felt I truly meant it. But my answer was I don't like to use those words to express how I feel about you, how I feel about you cannot be stated in a three word sentence. I find that sentence to be empty, and superficial. I display how I feel about you in my actions.

This made her cry like crazy. I guess she took it as I don't love her. And she was scared that I was going to leave her.

What type of behaviour can I expect from her, now that she perhaps has the idea that I don't love her? Just curious, what I should expect, and how I should act.

 

[Phobos]

I know some guys recommend just saying it, and it made me realize something: do women know when they say "i love you" that they only mean it in the moment, and therefore they would interpret a guy saying it to mean "i love you right now"? Or do they actually know that it means more when a man says it? (Sorry to piggy-back a question, but could be relevant in how you should respond, i.e. you can say it if they assume it could disappear tomorrow anyway.)

 

[Jetleg]

If you don't wanna hurt her, stop seeing her, best solution.

But i think its good that you let her get a little hurt, even better that she cries. Don't get into her world and her emotions, and don't take it seriously.
When a women tells you she loves you, she is pointing a gun to your face, because if you say you do, you surrender to her. she will no longer mentally chase you. Personally, i would just change the subject or make some kind of a joke. "well, i love your butt"

Now lets say, you say "yes dear, i love you", she will smile and hug you for 5 seconds, then a week later she would start treating you like her b1tch boy. faling in love with you will be the peak of the relationship. Then she might cheat on you, and then you ask "but don't you love me" "i didn't really meant it, sorry"

 

[Trainwreck]

If you don't wanna hurt her, stop seeing her, best solution.

But i think its good that you let her get a little hurt, even better that she cries. Don't get into her world and her emotions, and don't take it seriously.
When a women tells you she loves you, she is pointing a gun to your face, because if you say you do, you surrender to her. she will no longer mentally chase you. Personally, i would just change the subject or make some kind of a joke. "well, i love your butt"

Now lets say, you say "yes dear, i love you", she will smile and hug you for 5 seconds, then a week later she would start treating you like her b1tch boy. faling in love with you will be the peak of the relationship. Then she might cheat on you, and then you ask "but don't you love me" "i didn't really meant it, sorry"

It's a chase 22, you don't commit or say I love you then you are a pig. You say I love you and commit and you end up getting owned.

 

[narcissist]

It's a chase 22, you don't commit or say I love you then you are a pig. You say I love you and commit and you end up getting owned.

I think you mean catch-22, but I know exactly what you mean.

 

[El Payaso]

As long as you maintain frame and keep an abundance mindset, she is going to be extra clingy.

 

[Starting]

Translation: I don't consider you to be my girlfriend.



Translation: No. I don't love you.

Most women are all about feelings, not logic. You provided very logical responses to purely emotional questions, which to a woman is essentially the same thing as saying you don't feel/share the same emotions. That's why she cried.

That's going to sink in with her as time passes, and as it does, she will start to consider more and more ending the "relationship" and moving on. How long this will take, I don't know.

Nonetheless, you didn't do anything wrong. You just expressed your feelings in a very round-about way. If you don't want a relationship, don't try to salvage this situation as if you did. Just live with your decision.

I agree with this, the more time passes she will consider more about ending the "relationship", she might even start playing games with you to see how you react. Most definitely actually.

I would continue being yourself and holding frame but also looking out for major signs of change or game playing. She threw the ultimate **** test at you and even though you responded in a logical and right way, with girls you just keep it really subtle. She interpreted you saying "no, I don't love you" she instead, should of interpreted "idk if he does or doesn't"

 

[narcissist]

Yeah, you guys are probably right. If it does sink in, she might look to end it. I don't really want it to end, but I am always able to walk away without looking back at the drop of a hat, so if it happens so be it. I'll just maintain frame, and see how it pans out.

Thanks.

 

[Desdinova]

It really depends on where you are on her high score list. If you're at the top (or very close to it), she'll stay with you. If you're somewhere in the middle or near the bottom, she's going to drop your ass.

What happens from this point will tell you where you sit with her.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

For me, it doesn't really matter what you say. Tell her exactly what you think/feel. It's just words.

What really matters is how you behave. If you care strongly, or even do love her, tell her. But let your behaviour dictate the terms of that. It doesn't mean you're going to turn into a massive spineless chump. You'll still be strong and centred.

So long as you stay realistic about the relationship and know that either one can turn on a sixpence at any time, then you'll be fine. Love her like a man should.

 

[Atom Smasher]

We can't completely eliminate the use of the phrase in our relationships. Women LIVE for this, and words mean everything to them. Women are seduced with and massively affected by words.

The trick is to OFFSET the "I love you" with negating actions. If you're cornered, and you do in fact love her, then tell her, but OFFSET the downside by making her wonder about you by your actions. In other words, use the words, but neutralize potential bad effects (her taking you for granted) by causing her some stress and insecurity in your actions.

By so doing she will be in a constant tension between "He says he loves me but he does this and that so I'm not sure". They will never admit it but they like to live suspended within that tension.

 

[om1xr]

you've just dodged a bullet of getting owned by your forced confessions and affirmations.
you are good with words and that's good but now if she has a high interest in you and like you that much she will consider you a challenge and she'll utilise everything from sex to charm to whatever to make you like she wants you to be.
now what some here don't understand is that most girls always have a strategy while dating someone or seducing a guy who's a challenge to them, starting by his mind then his body and ressources if she's looking for a ltr and what girl isn't for that except for man-haters feminists.

when a girl put you in a position like OP, you always should consider the possibility that she is after getting confessions to use them when you aren't doing what she wants, she will start with "if you love me why are you hurting me by doing that" "if you love me then why don't you want to go with me to that place, do that" etc, you get the idea.

I'm not saying that there aren't genuine girls who truly love you and want to know how you feel about them but words are cheap and if she is an intelligent girl she will know and feel it by herself.

you are either a challenge to her or she is trying to get to that ltr or marriage paradise and she is weighting her options and trying to see if she got you by the balls or not yet or she got tired from being in that acquisitive mode by all the taking care of herself, looking good for you and impressing you and want to get lazy and the best way to do it and be comfortable is if you are in a relationship. I got away from the OP topic but I hope this may help.

 

[bb47]

In reality, I don't want to get too close to her because I am afraid of commitment and being hurt emotionally (I am cool with telling you guys that, but I wouldn't tell her that)

she cannot hurt you. If you pain, it was caused by you, not her. Once you realize this, you free yourself from her control over you, and you can just tell her how you really feel without being nervous and shy

 

[hockeyfreak79]

This kind of reminds me of an ex of mine from a couple yrs ago. I swear after about 10mo of dating every month after that she would just start randomly crying. 99% of the time it would be right before her time of the month. Imagine that! Just blah blah were is this going blah blah. Sniff sniff cry cry.

From this point forward you just need to be stoic and put this in the past. Don't bring it up.

From here on out this could possibly go multiple ways. (This aligns with DES high score theory)

She'll either be confident with her self and will accept the challenge of trying to get you to say it in the future. She'll try harder to be a better gf. I've had ex's go out and buy lingerie, more sex, presents etc.

Or

She'll start sabotaging, put up her walls so she's no longer vulnerable to getting hurt.

I had a broad say it to me (I didn't reciprocate)
10 days later she ended it. I swear some broads will just say it so they can hear you say it back.

You have actually said it before so it's pretty childish of her to pull this crying fit on you. Sounds like PMS, I'd put money on that bet.