my fundamental theorem of attraction and connection

[haltderzhat]

Sorry for the pretentious title. I wanted theorem in their but the other words I just chose quickly. I'm bad at choosing subjects and titles.

This is going to sound common sense to a lot of people- but hey I like philosophy and math and they are all about proofs and making truths explicit, so I am only continuing in that tradition, for whom this is obvious- and btw it wasn't so obvious for me. I wasted years not getting this. Before I introduce my theorem I'll build up to it, then I'll introduce it and then I'll tell you a bit about who I am and my level of success, so you can judge what I say against your image of me. BTW a lot of people online dislike me, they mock me because my long form of posts, because I'm a thinker or something. I dunno. I do not apologize to all you Ameri-bros who think you're so cool for one-upping another br.

Here it is: All (or most all) truthy game tactics, all tips and tricks, happen in the context of conversation.

Therefore, those who are good at conversation, being interesting, will have the best change to employ and learn the higher tactics.

Also therefore, those who are bad at conversation, will not be able to make use of game insights, etc. In fact, they may feel defeated, demoralized, frustrated- when they try eye contact tips, body language, one liners, being alpha. A one-liner witticism is not a conversation btw.

 

[haltderzhat]

Continued...

...Those who don't have conversation skills but want to learn game might go out trying to integrate tricks and ideas into their repertoire but if they're approaching a lot of people, they could inadvertently be building their conversation skills. This is probably about the best thing that could happen to them.

Eye contact with a girl usually happens within a conversation. Definitely only prolonged eye contact happens within a conversation. You may make a glance with a girl at the end of the room and that is technically eye contact, but it isn't the powerful eye contact.

So get good at conversation to get anywhere with women- or business partners.

So there's the theorem. It might be so obvious or plain that you make light of it but you miss how conversation is an art and skill with great potential to deliver amazing outcomes, even opening new worlds.

Conversation requires both ability and willingness. You definitely have to have a willingness, and it can be work, even if you have "skills". Each time is new work in so far as listing is work, and taking the time is a sacrifice and an opportunity cost. It is work and going into it understanding that fact helps prepare you for it and set reasonable expectations, but it can pay off greatly.

I think all the game insights people wrote about- they apply in conversation. When the authors wrote these things, they maybe assumed a conversation was happening, but sometimes it is a struggle just to maintain a constant conversation. Maybe the other person is bored, or you are bored. I think conversation is become a lost art but even in the past they wrote books about it, rules of conversation.

The introvert can probably get nowhere with game until he learns to converse but it doesn't have to be as hard or as painful as imagined.

Conversation is NOT the same as communication. I make a HARD distinction. I've always been a good communicator, when I have to be. Its the difference between celebrity gossip and catching up on friends and family, versus telling someone they have to connect the black wire with the ground terminal or whatever, over a weak signal. The latter is communication, and communication is critical for certain things, including somtimes conflict resolution, which I'm naturally good at, but it is NOT conversation.

 

[haltderzhat]

I like the rules based approach. I am coming up with my own rules for conversation through journaling and such (how I best reflect on things) but I haven't completed them and it's not even my highest priority. I've found it's not actually about enumerating all of the rules as such but about your attitude to the good and sound rules in general- that you will follow and respect them and prosper. The rules are not some ethical thing, given by God. They are rules and they make it in because they are the things, the constants, that have always proven to work, and the violation of them have proven consistently to punish. If a pseudo-rule doesn't always reward or the lack of it doesn't always punish, it is probably not a rule, so by definition you should follow them. Human social laws are not always like this. You can bend laws. A lot of laws are badly made but I imagine a lot of community rules, maybe Marine Corp codes and rules are like this- they have proven to be the things that work, like the Art of War precepts, and as such should be followed, not because someone said so because it's always good to question, but because they are the things that have proven to be so. I am working on my mindset, primarily through reflection through journaling, and attitude towards the idea of such rules and a willing adherence, rather than coming up with them all right away, which I don't think will be hard, although I have thought of a few. You can work out your own easily I'm sure, like "don't interrupt - for the most part" and "talk about what the other person finds interesting".

Ok about me. I don't claim to be a PUA or a guy who sleeps with a lot of women. I'm not going for that. I am getting a lot of love and affection and respect thrown my way in my communities that I am a part of, from men and women, and women have put themselves out there for me. This was before I focused on conversation, but I was always lacking in that domain and someone who made eye contact with me multiple times and I know likes me, when it comes time to talk to her, I don't know what to say, etc. Foolish me, I have in my head a lot of concepts of things to make me seem cooler, not attached, etc, but all of this is haberdash if you're forgetting the one main thing- the ability to hold her in conversation.

We can learn 'game' and such but we are never guaranteed to get a particular girl. That was never promised, or if it was, it was promised in vain. That said, I honestly find, from both reflection on my past experiences where I did secure a woman, from common sense and reflection on logic and from the recent experiences I have had and connections I've been making, is that if you can converse and hold an interest in a conversation with a woman, it's often her who will make it easy for you - to date, to ask out, to sleep with, etc. You don't have to force or use any jedi mind tricks. It sounds silly saying it now and I never formally thought that way, but de facto, yeah that's kind of the presumption- you have to use these turbo tricks. If you use conversation and really engage her, she'll feel a connection if she is meant to, and she'll help you bridge it, if she is meant to. Anyway I never said conversation does all the lifting. Game, tricks, topic control, maybe even NLP tricks who knows- all that does matter, but it rides ON TOP OF the substructure of an interesting conversation. Try doing that, eye contact without conversation! So to get certain girls in certain cases you may need game but first you need conversation skills. I mean the ability to consistently maintain long conversations from which you can introduce new ideas or suggestions, or do eye contact stuff.

 

[haltderzhat]

People worry about being friend zoned. They worry too much. I don't know if I got friend zoned these last several years or what. What I mean is, shooting my shot sometimes asking someone out, but not having long or deep conversations, only making eye contact briefly and having brief passing conversations, I don't know if we knew each other enough to be truly friend zoned. I mean I see the friend zone at least here for this distinction's sake as being when she's really gotten to know you-you've put in lots of time- otherwise it's just rejection. I'm fine saying I've been rejected. I just want to be nuanced with terms.

Conversation brings connection, and connection brings women and attachment, in general. Not always but they are linearly dependent stages, usually. Sometimes good interesting conversation is all you need, and your innate traits- your natural inner masculinity, and eye contact ability, and your irrepressible sexual energy, is all you need- but you need conversation to hold it together. Other times maybe you can use game tricks. I'm not against them but I'm against putting the cart before the horse, which is what I did for so many years. In these years I was busy in monk mode pursuing my think, and funnily years before, when I didn't have anything, around my college years, I was enjoying conversations with people, but I was a much younger and more naive man about life. Maybe I was wiser with women and people than I became in subsequent years but now I have more life wisdom and people wisdom. In conversation, I think willingness trumps ability or at least is right up there with it, but why not have both? It doesn't matter what you can do if you're not willing to do it for someone. How will that make them feel?

So we try learn all this stuff- and it's great. It works, to the extent it's true but it's true for a subset of the people who read the things- that subset is those who can have conversation. This is for people who may not prioritize conversation, or people who want to put things in context and consider the ideas I'm presenting as part of that context. I look forward to the days when I can converse with anyone, and am so good and confident from past experience, that I can take new game ideas to accelerate my success, to steer the conversation in directions I want it to go, to really do magic, but first things first. It is like math in that you need the foundations and I find in life it often pays to never be in too much of a hurry, that you miss your lessons.

In terms of confidence, I can say something about that. Some women and men make me shy for sure, but what I am finding is as I realize the rules of good conversation and am dedicated to following them, I find most people are interested in talking to me. They say don't mind if a woman doesn't want to talk to you, move on. I agree, but it used to hurt still or I took it as an L. We all do on some level. Now I know or believe from experience that every woman would want to talk to me, if they had time, if I follow the rules and am consequently interesting. BTW this applies to all people but I found I was naturally good at talking to most guys- talking about logical stuff- engineering, success, business, politics- and girls. I never got into sports. The rules give me confidence. I don't think confidence is the energy or hype you build in yourself to do something crazy like talk to a really hot girl or dive off a cliff. That's boldness or a state of adrenaline or something. I don't know if that's the type of confidence we need with women. I'm thinking more like the confidence one has of one's driving ability. I just know I'm not going to crash my truck under normal circumstances - in decent weather with normal drivers, because I know what I'm doing. I think it's like that with women and I think conversation is the missing key and the rulebook - your own personal rulebook for good conversation is the key to that. It no longer becomes about change.

Nothing else is taken away. Your stature in terms of your business and life success still matter, the image you put out, your other positive traits- keep them and work conversation in but I Think it's a game changer for those missing it. You can control how you dress in the morning, and you can clarify what you believe is ethical and right. If you believe might is right and there are no rules, fine as long as you affirm that in your most private moment. You've clarified that and if you follow that to a T, and you follow rules of good conversation- these three things all feed into confidence- a kind of relaxed confidence- at least I think they do.

Conversation is a skill. There's how you converse with men, with women, with children, with engineers and with salesmen and with employees and any type of person under the sun, with the cute introvert, with the hot instagram model etc. If you could speak or converse with all of them, who are willing, great. If they are not willing or in the mood, that's on them. It is a skill. This is a game of skill and universal or general insight. It is an art and science and some people suck and will always suck. This, I think can be objectively measured and ranked, and a pareto distribution can probably be made and there will be winners and losers but ironically and not as a value judgement, what I think people need most is not game tips, alpha mentality or lairs and meetup groups but learning mainstream old fashioned art of conversation.


I don't care if anyone agrees with me or not. I might not get around to replying but feel free to carry on a discussion. This btw was a communique not a conversation. About me, on reddit or anywhere, I hardly ever have conversations online. I know people do. I might over sms, messenger or facebook but I mostly use the internet to read and to communicate, not to converse, unlike others. That's why people judge me wrongly. I'm here to get the information out, or put some in, not to make friends or impress people I'll never see in real life. I'm too busy for that, so we're clear. I think people live so much online. I do not. I am online a lot, but mostly quick connecting or consuming a lot of information, not building deep connections through back and forth and trying to put my best foot foward.

Humbly and respectfully-
OG