My Frustration Is Beginning to Mount

[LouieVaton Don]

Im the type of person who's always had too much pride to ask for help but things have really begun to bother me lately and I need guidence,advice or someone to verbally abuse me as nothing else seems to be working. Long story short,I just can't motivate myself for very long, I'll do good for a spell but everything trickles down from my confidence to my assertiveness. I have a couple of issues and im tired of hiding them , I just want to get rid of them for good and please im not looking for sympathy just some insight.

First off im a semi-virgin(i've penetrated a female but didnt reach ejaculation) which im not too terribly proud of because I still havent sealed the deal, I've since had two chicks all alone in my room, and I still havent gotten any. I got both girls half naked, they came during foreplay and then they both were finished. So twice now im left hanging in virginity limbo. F**k! What is my problem!? This chick I met the the other day mind you came over last night and spent the night in my bed and I still found a way not to F**k her. Not to mention the whole time getting an erection was kinda difficult, it was'nt as easy as it normally was and I had'nt reached full erection in either of the oppurtunities Ive ever been in. Any other time its automatic. Im such an a-hole thinking about getting someone else off before me but that just alludes to my second problem.

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT OTHERS NEEDS BEFORE MINES, im by no means a doormat(ill pound on anybody who openly disrespects me and I have no problem telling people no) and Iv'e come a long ways from AFC I was 2 years ago, but im still not been able to shake my mr. nice guy mentality which often leads to me not getting what I want because I wont push the envelope. I have a problem forcing myself or any strong ideas on someone else because deep down I feel its wrong and I care what others think, id like to think I dont care but I do deep down. Ive been seeking validation for since childhood and I know its self defeating but I do it anyway. Somebody talk some sense into me.

 

[Shiftkey]

I have a problem forcing myself or any strong ideas on someone else because deep down I feel its wrong and I care what others think, id like to think I dont care but I do deep down.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Forcing yourself or any strong ideas? Huh? Could you elaborate?

 

[LouieVaton Don]

To clarify things

In other words i dont feel its right for me or anyone else to impose their will on others, only in cases where its for their own good but I generally feel people should do what they want to do and be free.

 

[PANK]

You are way too nice me to but if i can kick this habbit then so can you.

 

[LouieVaton Don]

how did you turn things around????

 

[PANK]

I didnt im still trying

 

[PANK]

One other thing its OK to be nice, But only to your friends ive got loads and loads of friends this way dont ever quit that even to women you wanna be friends with just if your atracted to anyone then its different.

 

[God Of War]

You can reach your desired goal if you can answer this question.


Besides water, sunshine, and carbon dioxide; what else does a tree require to grow?

 

[rbd]

Hey there man. As far as the desire to satisy the girl before yourself (in bed, generally it's a deeper rooted problem), the root of that whole thing is in your mind, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a problem. I had/have the same "problem" with girls I like. Think of it this way though: once you learn how to CONTROL your tension and eagerness, this desire will make you into a VERY good, patient lover. The girls will be knocking down your door once their friend tells them that you gave her 5 orgasms last night, ;-)

The reason you have such a problem with your sexual performance is from something called "performance anxiety". I had this problem with my first girlfriend from a failed night in bed and it made it so I couldn't keep it hard, I would just worry too much. For me the cure was researching the roots of this condition, and working to 1. get myself horny as possible and 2. most importantly taking the THOUGHT OUT of sex. Sex and cerebral thought DO NOT MIX. lol

Here is some text that was very helpful to me, which I found on various sites on the internet. Sorry to the origional authors as I didn't cite them when I took it.

------------
Release Sexual Dysfunction
ISexual dysfunction can be a self perpetuating problem. The more you worry about it, the worse it gets. If you are sure that the problem is psychological and not organic (physical in cause) you can begin to change the thoughts that perpetuate the problem.

Before you can just ask your brain to have an erection on command, you must find and release the underlying problem.
If you masturbate and you function fine on your own, your impotence may be a dysfunction that is related to your performance with your partner. It could be based in your history, perhaps installed in your subconscious at time when you felt inadequate, or were hurt emotionally by a partner with regard to your sexual performance.

Become aware of your self-talk when you think about having sex with your partner. Notice if your anticipation, and expectation, is that you will fail.
Notice, when you think about having sex, anxiety comes up, or if you visualize your self failing, or if you begin to feel dissapointed before you even get started. If so, this thought process could be the very thing that is creating the failure.

Change what you think about when you fantasize about having sex with your partner.

Visualize: Change the picture in your mind to one that shows you happy and excited and euphoric.


Kinesthetic: Change your internal feelings to those of satisfaction, similar to the feelings you have when you masturbate. Or remember a satisfying sexual experience, and bring those feelings of satisfaction to mind every time you think about having sex.
Auditory: Notice how you have been talking to yourself and how your self talk may have been sabotaging your chance for success. Change your inner voice to one that says, "Good show, I love sex, what a stud" or whatever feels right for you. Even a simple phrase like, "I enjoy sex, and I trust my body to perform beautifully" will begin to change the way your subconscious anticipates the sexual encounter.
Now, every time you think about having sex with your partner, see, feel , and hear these things. While you are relaxed with your eyes closed, create as vividly as possible your outrageously pleasurable experience, and then add an inner voice, and the kinesthetic (the way you feel physically) and the emotions that will be there when you are enjoying sex.







It is one of the commonest causes of sexual dysfunction. It shows the negative power of the mind over body. Men, who worry about an erection or are constantly thinking of the last time they failed to get an erection, eventually cannot perform at all. Similarly women who worry about their sexual responsiveness or passion levels find that turning on turns into work.
Anxiety causes vasoconstriction leading to less blood flow to the penis and failure to get an erection. Relaxation is necessary to get the necessary blood flow to get an erection. The mind gets in the way of the body. So get your mind off it and let sex happen. The body knows what to do. You cannot will an erection, no matter how hard you try.

Women too suffer from performance anxiety, but is not quite as obvious as in men. However it takes away the joy out of sex making it a mechanical chore.

The solution to performance anxiety is short-term sex therapy. Sex therapists first ask them to stop sex for a while and then teach them to relearn the joys of physical sensation. There is no pressure to reach orgasm or score a perfect ten. The sensate focus exercises gradually increase in intensity over a couple of months. The bottom line is that performance anxiety is the paralyzing fear of failure. The most important thing is to learn that there is no failure in a loving relationship.




What is key to our understanding here is that it is the parasympathetic nervous subdivision that controls the occurrence of erection. But, it is the sympathetic subdivision that occasions ejaculation. A man must have his parasympathetic system working if erection is to occur; if he's already worrying about his sexual performance even before things get going, erection is not going to happen. If he begins to worry about whether he can maintain his erection long enough, he could be kicking in his sympathetic system sooner than would occur "naturally," and bring about ejaculation before he or his partner wished. The bottom line regarding this, and almost all other non-organic sexual dysfunctions, is "relax."
----------

Good luck,

Robby

 

[eroq]

Jeez, man, you can get two girls to orgasm during foreplay, w/ very little experience? I'd say you need to relax and go with the flow, 'cuz you obviously know how to give a girl a good time. Let her return the favor.





_______________________________________

The Bad@ss with a heart of gold

 

[Mizer]

LouieVaton, I found that to achieve success in any area of your life often requires being a bit selfish. This applies to money, wealth, and success with females. I know this may sound bad to you since it is obvious that you are still stuck in the Mr. Nice Guy mode.
It will take some times to peel away those Nice Guy layers since it took so many years to develop them. A good place to start and continue is to put your needs first sometimes. Maybe you can compensate for your actions in some other way so you won’t feel bad.
You have to convince yourself that it sometimes okay sometimes to be aggressive and selfish in order to get what you want. You probably have skimmed through the Bible in order to get ideas on how to do this.


Quote: I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT OTHERS NEEDS BEFORE MINES



I don’t think there is any thing wrong with this concept in the sack as long as you are satisfied also by time you both close your eyes. So its okay to let them go first but make sure you get your turn. What is selfish about that? Maybe you can limit the foreplay and get right to business already! It’s called a “quickie” and usually the man benefit more from it than the woman but both can enjoy the thrill.

Of course there is no such thing as a “semi-virgin.” You are either a virgin or not. You penetrated a female so you are no longer a virgin. If it was either a second or a few hours you could still have dealt with all of the consequences of having sex such as impregnation, or sexually transmitted disease (more likely from unprotected sex). All it takes is penetration. Ejaculation does not define the act of sex, man.
Women will usually say “but that really doesn’t count). It counts! Ask all those people who just “penetrated” without protection and contracted AIDS or got pregnant. They will tell you that it counts.





Mizer

 

[SexPDX]

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
First off im a semi-virgin(i've penetrated a female but didnt reach ejaculation)

Ever consider that you may be gay?

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
I've since had two chicks all alone in my room, and I still havent gotten any. I got both girls half naked, they came during foreplay and then they both were finished.

Dude, something doesn't sound right about this. I know of VERY few girls who are "done" after they have one orgasm. That's a guy thing. Most girls are ready for more action, particularly if it's during foreplay that they come. Are you sure you just didn't DECIDE or ASSUME they were done? Or are you sure you are not making some or all of this up?

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
So twice now im left hanging in virginity limbo. F**k! What is my problem!? This chick I met the the other day mind you came over last night and spent the night in my bed and I still found a way not to F**k her.

Now we are getting somewhere. In your own words you "found a way" not to have sex with her. Now you just have to find ways to have sex with girls instead of finding ways NOT to. Sounds simple enough, but there is something holding you back and only you are going to be able to figure out what that is.

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
Not to mention the whole time getting an erection was kinda difficult, it was'nt as easy as it normally was and I had'nt reached full erection in either of the oppurtunities Ive ever been in.

I think you are either gay and don't realize it or you are totally uncomfortable with your sexuality and need to relax a little.

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT OTHERS NEEDS BEFORE MINES, im by no means a doormat(ill pound on anybody who openly disrespects me and I have no problem telling people no)

The "pound anyone who disrespects me" attitude is not really a good thing. I used to be that way for a long time and it goes further towards communicating insecurity than it does anything else. Not to say you should be a doormat either. Try to get to a place where people disrespecting you is not something that triggers anger but rather you decide from a place of having no frustration to react or not to react. I think you will find you are happier and make better decisions of how to handle situations.

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
I have a problem forcing myself or any strong ideas on someone else because deep down I feel its wrong and I care what others think, id like to think I dont care but I do deep down.
Ive been seeking validation for since childhood and I know its self defeating but I do it anyway. Somebody talk some sense into me.

Getting laid doesn't have anything to do with forcing strong ideas on anyone. In fact, that is more likely to get you rejected than laid. Your issue with that is completely separate. You see forcing ideas on people as something you SHOULD be able to do but CAN'T (BTW, you should figure out why you feel that way). Nonetheless you have somehow associated your problem with not being able to put your ideas forth forcefully with your problems getting laid when in fact they are two things that have NOTHING to do with each other. Address them separately.

Ditto for seeking validation. It's good to look into that as a personal issue but it's not directly related to your getting laid or not getting laid. Look around you at who is getting laid. Do THOSE people have all their sh1t together? Hell no! Lot's of them are very messed up insecure people who still manage to get laid. I have sought in validation in ALL KINDS of strange ways in my life and I have managed to get laid still.

All these issues you have are things that will take time to understand and work though. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that losing your virginity is something that you have to go through some kind of Oprah/Dr. Phill session in order to accomplish. Just go do it.

-PDX

 

[LouieVaton Don]

Gay? Ever consider you crossed the line.

 

[DeepBlue]

Originally posted by LouieVaton Don
Gay? Ever consider you crossed the line.

Ooooh, PDX dude you CROSSED THE LINE. Watch out!

Listen Louie, everyone is going to have a different take on your issue (if you're lucky enough to even garner a wide range of input) and then it's your job to pick and choose among everyone's varied input to see which ones feel right for you, and ignore the ones that don't sound right.

That's the benefit you're getting here--a variety of ideas, as with a brainstorming session. Also, people here are not going to coddle you--maybe that is your "nice guy" side expecting that people should spare you from hearing any thoughts that might make you uncomfortable. You'll find that sort of obsession with not hurting anyone's feelings in women's discusson groups, not here.

Okay, here's my take for u: you've been with a girl sexually what, one or two times? It is NORMAL for you to be stressed out with performance anxiety and with feelings of uncertainty about what you should or shouldn't be doing, wondering whether you're doing things "right" or not, and so on.

Your number one problem is that you are way too focused on side goals like "losing your virginity".

As someone else in this thread said, you need to "go with the flow". In other words, you need to relax and shift your attention to really enjoying the experience. Let THAT be your goal.

Once the clothes come off, simply refuse to view any aspect of the experience as a "mistake". Jettison any thoughts like "uh oh, I did that wrong" or "I should've done that differently". If you have a momentary lapse and the thought crosses your mind that you could've done something better, don't dwell on it, don't get sidetracked into berating yourself with "shoulds" (I should've this! I should've that! Etc.) Just let it go, forgive yourself if you need to, realizing that the higher goal there is for BOTH of you to enjoy yourselves with each other.

You need to change your whole attitude towards sex to one where your main goal is to relax and experiment and play around and let yourself have fun. Enjoy whatever you and she spontaneously feel like doing, and if you do that not only will you start enjoying the experience, but rest assured that SHE will enjoy it far more too! Do you feel anxiety about "doing it right" when you eat an ice cream cone? Probably not. Take the exact same relaxed approach to enjoyment when you're in bed with her.

A man's obsession with doing things "properly" and with "performing techniques" can make him so full of inhibiting anxieties and so distracted and preoccupied with himself--with his worries and with his own actions, that it makes the woman feel like there's a loss of connection between her and him, almost as if he were in bed with someone else! I know of at least one woman who jokingly described this phenomenon by saying "gee, it was SO intimate in bed with him, it was just the three of us--him and me and his technique".

It is also perfectly normal that you didn't ejaculate that time. It sounds like you were very concerned about lasting long enough to bring her to orgasm, and unconsiously you probably held off on ejaculating to the point of never letting go sufficiently to come. So what? Big deal! When you have sex with the same girl a number of times, you will tune in more and more to each others "timing" and you'll get better at learning to let go. And eventually you'll get better at controlling when you "let yourself go" even with women whom you're in bed with for the first time.

You're like someone who hopped on a bicycle for the first time, fell over, and then said "Fvck! I guess I can't ride!!!" The problem isn't being able to ride, it is your unhelpful expectations that you "should" be able to ride perfectly the first time or the first few times you try. Instead of finding reasons to feel bad about yourself (which will only fill you with more performance anxiety and make you less fun for women to be with) learn to appreciate the successes you did have, learning to relax and enjoy anything and everything that goes on between you and a woman in bed.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this.

DeepBlue

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by God Of War
You can reach your desired goal if you can answer this question.


Besides water, sunshine, and carbon dioxide; what else does a tree require to grow?

Room?

 

[A1SteakSauce]

Roots

 

[SexPDX]

Good post, DeepBlue.

BTW, as much as I hate to cultivate feelings of obligation you have an e-mail from me I would like you to reply to when you get a chance.

-PDX

 

[Nannu]

yeah man. You might be gay. I can't even imagine not....you know.

 

[matius]

You could just have issues with your sexuality. Some of this you might not want to get off your chest here...but were your first few sexual encounters embarrassing? Do you have anxiety when it comes to women in general. Doesn't mean your gay, you might be, but that's for you to decide and only you. Once you do that you can start working on your mind and why you feel this way about women.

It doesn't take much to ruin you sexually. Say you prematurely ejaculate the first few times you have sex. The girl laughs at you, teases you and tells her friends in front of you. Bye bye sex and erections...You associate sex with hell don't you. You have to get stronger and figure out exactly what you want and jump the walls of adversity to get it.

Let's not guess at what's going on with this guy and give him more grief...brothas gonna work it out.