My Father is dead.

[dustmuffin]

The old turd passed recently at 86. Since he was a self centered, selfish, narcissistic turd who played mind games with me, I have shed nary a tear for him.

I just picked up his ashes today, I hope he doesn't haunt me. Just a reminder, if you have children be good to them and they will be good to you when you are old.

I tolerated the old bastard. He was very racist and I'm tempted to spread his ashes on the black side of town. Instead, I will spread a small amount in a park he enjoyed as a child. The remainder will be interred at a national cemetery.

 

[AlphaNate]

Sorry for your loss?

 

[dustmuffin]

Sorry for your loss?

Thank you for your thoughts. I think the point I'm trying to get across is even if you are alpha, treat your children well. My dad did things his way, but in the end it bit him in the a ss.

 

[AlphaNate]

Or don't have children

 

[backseatjuan]

Sorry for your loss man. Lesson learned. My father passed away also, two years ago. Bastard told me he has new family and don't want to do anything with me, told I'm adopted, after he sold my mother's property. I went NC on him of course. I didn't know for two months that he is dead. His brothers tried to cheat me out of inheretance by not telling me. They didn't even make him a grave stone, told me they don't need it, and his new spous took all the sh1t out of his appartment and disappeared. You gotta realize that even your own family can screw you over in this life.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Thank you for your thoughts. I think the point I'm trying to get across is even if you are alpha, treat your children well. My dad did things his way, but in the end it bit him in the a ss.

Yeah that's definitely something that needs to be emphasized more on this forum. Thoughtfulness, kindness, empathy, etc. are not "beta" traits. Weak or Strong is what we're looking at here. You can have the aforementioned traits and still be a strong man. Being a **** is not and shouldn't be the goal for guys on this site.

 

[bigneil]

Speak no ill of the dead.

Honor thy father and thy mother.

Thank God you got to bury him and not the other way around.

Make no mistake, this is one of the saddest days a man faces in his life.

Prayers for your healing.

 

[Dingo]

Interesting...

My father left my mother and I when I was 2 years old. He made no attempt to be in my life whatsoever. No birthday cards.. no calls... nothing. Mom struggled and did the best she could...I didn't see him until I was 19 and it was my who did the initial contact.

Now that he is old and decrepit he wants me around... needs help... wants someone to talk to. He has never shown any guilt or regrets.. never has explained himself.

As hard as I try to tell myself it didn't affect me it did. Not growing up with a father for a boy is bad... tragic really. I know things happen, people fall out of love, whatever... but it just sucks to not have had a father.

OP makes a good point... even if you hate the mother try to be civil and be in your kids life. Do the best you can. Do be THAT father...

 

[Billtx49]

Sorry to hear that. Regardless of his personal faults, you may eventually find that you miss him.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

The remainder will be interred at a national cemetery.

Wayne Dyer used to be a pretty popular motivational speaker. (he's dead now.) But I recall that he said (during one of his speeches or books or something) that one of his main turning points in his life was when he went to his fathers grave and unleashed lifetime of pent up anger, fury, basically cussing out his dead dead in a drunken rage and then literally pissing on his grave.

He said that solved/fixed/obliterated a lot of his internal issues he was having at the time.

 

[stovepipe]

I've always wondered how the kids of Narcissist parents/parent react to their death. Now I know.

Thanks for sharing

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Glad I had the balls to start following my own rules instead of just biting my lip and putting my head down all the time. I think that may have been part of it. Right now there are some things about me and my dad where we don't see eye to eye on, but I believe that as I get older I won't harbor nearly as much ill will against him (if any) because I had told him off and given him a peice of my mind when I was younger. I think that most people who hold resentment towards their parents in old age do so because they never released it when they were younger, so it just kinda stayed bottled up inside.

I watched a video from Elliot Hulse recently and he said that one of the problems with fathers who are like this is that they are essentially too much of a pvssy to back down. They aren't a balanced male. A male is strong, yes. But fathers who are seemingly narcissistic are this way simply because they are so male to the point of weakness and insecurity, which is why they won't let their sons rise up. And because of this insecurity, they don't have the strength to back down and still feel like a man after their sons have essentially taken their place.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Sorry to hear the sad news.

Call it naive but I try to see the best in people nowadays, living or otherwise. There's usually at least one or two endearing qualities or memories that are worth holding on to. For our faults we are all only products of our own lives. If they p!ss you off enough, there's no reason to spend more time on them than necessary, but no point being bitter. That's just who they are and for their own reasons.

In the case of your father maybe better in the long run not to hold on to the resentment, but appreciate him for who he was, even if it's for teaching you how not to behave.

All the best.

 

[Desdinova]

My dad passed three months ago. I was quite thankful when he did.

He had spent his whole life suffering. He suffered because his first wife took off with his daughter. He ended up being over-bearing with me because of that loss, and had never been able to fully accept that I was an independent human being with his own life.

In the last few years of his life, he suffered from a self-inflicted health problem. It made the last decade or so of his life difficult to enjoy. I helped him get his medication and took him places that he needed to go. He was thankful, but still expected me to jump at his every whim.

Everybody has felt relieved since he passed. He was a burden to those who helped him, including my mother.

I felt bad for the guy when he passed. He was never able to fully enjoy life. He was a slave to his addictions and was a cheap motherfvcker, even when it came to himself. I live a much better life than he did, solely because I take care of myself both in health and financial matters. He did not.

There were times where I absolutely hated him. Now I just feel sorry for him because he couldn't fully and truly enjoy life.

 

[Stephen89]

Sorry for your loss brother.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I'm sorry to hear that, dustmuffin.

I'm glad you took the high road and will deal with the ashes respectfully.

Just last night I had a conversation with my late father, who died about 6 or 7 years ago. Although I'm sure he couldn't hear me, I found it quite cathartic.