My ex and the new girl

[Ricky]

I am the worlds biggest softie at times.

I am still friends with my ex who I have spent almost 3 years with. We just broke up recently.

I talk to her everyday still. She broke up with me, but the relationship was heading south anyways and I knew she might not be the best choice for me to marry. The thing is I did start to treat her badly. She was just so ready to blame me for stuff that I started to withdraw more and more, and then cancel dates. I mean who likes to get criticized all the time.

That being said she sure as hell can tug on my heart and soul. I spoke with her over the weekend and she knew right away I had been out with another girl. Scary how women can have that 6th sense.

In any event, I admitted it to her and she started crying really bad! I felt depressed about it and went to see her that same day and fooled around with her.

She wants to continue our break but she wants me to not date anyone new. Kind of a ridiculous request huh? The worst part is part of me wants to go along with it. This girl has managed to make me feel guilty about wanting to move on.

The thing is I absolutely can't stand to hurt this girls feelings. We had a hell of a bond together and she is really emotional (like all women). I do love her. I'm just not sure that I'm meant to marry her.

That being said I had a great, completely stress free and fun time with a new girl that I dated. I want to date her again. Who knows what will happen there, but I'm keeping it low pressure.

I want to date other girls, but I feel horrible about breaking the exes heart. HOW IN THE HELL CAN THIS BE???

It boils down to the fact my ex wants us to get back together. I'm not totallly opposed to it, but I really don't mind dating some new people.

Have any of you been in this situation before?

 

[sustainable007]

Cut Her OFF

Rick,

I have faced what you are going through....I had an ex totally split on me...we didnt talk for 6mths, then she one day showed up beggin forgiveness....She wound up trying to get together with me 3 times....

You have to think of things this way...think of your relationship with your X this way:

Together you were both a BMW...

One day the BMW that resembled your relationship was totaled in a terrible accident (your breakup)

The thing about cars is once you total them they can never be brought back to the condition they were once in....

Thats why you have to leave the wreck at the junkyard...And start driving a Porsche...

Self-inflicted punishment is not necessary...do yourself a favor and totally cut this woman off, and move on to greener pastures....You will never regret it

 

[Ricky]

You know sustainable, you are right.

However right now I'm in a battle of logic vs emotion. The worst part is kind of strange to say, but I feel like her life will never be the same without someone like me to help her out. Yes my ex is like a wounded dove, but a wounded dove that once too many times bit the hand that fed it. The only thing is, if you are the one taking care of a wounded dove, you really build an intense bond for that person.

If it was up to me i could make the relationship with the ex work. The fact that she has a bad temper and is impatient with me (I do admit I have faults) was the problem. I was happy with her until she started constantly complaining.

On the flip side, I really really enjoyed going out with someone new, someone with high energy and someone who enjoyed going out with me. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[NewMan]

Rick,

Re read your post.

If your son came to you one day and told you these things - what would your advice be to him?

Take that advice.

I have been there. The bond you develop with a woman after a number of years is indeed strong - but that is no excuse to stay with her. If it's wrong, it's wrong.

Why do you pine after an unhealthy relationship?

I will point out an inconsistencey.

***
She wants to continue our break but she wants me to not date anyone new.
***

And

***
It boils down to the fact my ex wants us to get back together
***

Which is it?

The bottom line is - she will continue to treat you badly. That will NEVER change.

This is not a pattern that she could ever change.

This would be my advice.

1) Grow some b#lls. There is a consequence for every action - her action is to break it off with you - to break up with you and treat you badly. Your REACTION should be to cut off your emotional support for this weak woman.

2) Stop talking ot her everyday. You will never move on and grow a pair whilst listening to her sick mind. She is like a poison running through your body. Give yourself a break - a few months without listenening to her - you will be a new man.

3) Date this other cool chick. And don't be afraid of what your ex thinks or says.


Be strong.

Be stronger.

 

[djmarshmellow]

You are giving her false hope by talking. Then you make her cry by letting her find out about other women.

That's just using her to make yourself feel desirable.

Be a man. Close it down. It's over. Move on.

You know what to do.

Q. Can you?

 

[Slickster]

The only reason she wants you back right now is because she is hurt and feeling sad. If there were other exciting men in her near future her feelings would be different.

Though she broke up with you it kind of sounds like a mutual thing.

Did you tell her that the reason you don't want to get back together is because you don't see the two of you getting married or having a future on the long term?

If so you must move on. Trust me she will grow to resent that fact. Even if you get back together she will remember that forever. Her dream guy isn't one who has to be convinced that she's the "one".

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Dude - 3 years is substantial but never never never return to a woman who dumped you unless you were egregiously at fault!!

She is using you for her temporary comfort!! FLEE!!!!!

 

[MindOverMatter]

She's doesn't want you dating anyone cause she's still single, it hurts her ego, that's all there is to it. Don't listen to her, explain to her that you're not with her now, that's what she wanted, and that you can date whoever you want. She doesn't care about you man, she just hates the fact she's losing to this girl, and wants to steal you from her. She misses you being her lapdog man.

Cause as soon as she finds herself a new guy, she will do a 180 on you, start ignoring you, and you will feel like an idiot for not dating anyone because of her.

edit - also, stop acting like a confused high school teenager talkin about not wanting to hurt her feelings and all that. SHE DITCHED YOU. think about yourself and your own dignity for once.

 

[comote]

Ricky, I think have been in a similar situation as you. Finally it ended because she wanted something similar to what your ex wants. (ie she wanted us not to be bf/gf for a while but she couldn't handle thinking about me with someone else.)
Ricky, why do you feel that you owe your X anything?

Here is my advice. You deserve better than what she is offering, which is the occasional booty call, and you waiting around while she "figures things out".

Regardless of what you want you can not let yourself be subject to the whims of your ex anymore.

Tell her that you can't be with her like this, you can't be left waiting. It's has to be either all or nothing. Either you will be together with all that implies or you will not be and you won't feel guilty about dating other women.

I suggest you stay away from her completely because you still seem too emotionally attached to her to not let her take control of you. If she tries to make you feel guilty for not wanting to see her anymore just say that your feeling are still too strong for you to be friends with her.
I know this sounds afc but your goal is to get this woman out of your life.

 

[Ricky]

I'm doing poorly on the goal because I went over to her place last night.

The sex was great, but it always has been.

Now she just called me to meet her and her friend at a bar.

I can't handle this type of drama. I go out with the new girl again this weekend.

She wants to date me again when I have a new job (I'm in the process of switching careers) and am in a new living arrangement. Yes sadly I'm back at the parents for a very short while.

I feel guilty in several different ways. One that I went back and did the ex, two that the I'm going out with the new girl, but I also feel guilty about being with the ex since I like the new girl.

Sometimes it was easier back in the day when I didn't have any dates .....

 

[cave dweller]

confused?

Ricky,

You have to decide what you want.

ie.

Date and bang the ex?
Date and bang the new chick?
Or, date and bang both of them?

What is so hard about this decision?

my 2 cents

cave dweller

 

[Survivor]

Ricky, you are supposed to be a mature man.


You've already received good advice. Now I'm gonna move this thread to Don Juan Discussion where it belongs.

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by Ricky
She wants to date me again when I have a new job (I'm in the process of switching careers) and am in a new living arrangement.

Ricky, I didn't think this could get any worse until I read this...

She doesn't want to be with you now... that would be fair enough.

She doesn't want to be with you now AND she doesn't want you to be with anyone else... she is very selfish and thinks she owns you.

She doesn't want to be with you now AND she doesn't want you to be with anyone else AND she wants to get back with you when you have more money... I'm speechless here... she's selfish, she thinks she owns you and she is a golddigger!

I have been in this situation and the only solution is to walk away. Harden your heart and walk away! It sounds to me like this girl wants you only when it suits her and you have the capacity to bankroll her lifestyle.

 

[Ricky]

Guys you are right about this. Thank you for the advice.

Sometimes emotions get the best of you. This is what a woman is great at doing! I definitely still love my ex. She has and continues to be very manipulative to me. She makes me feel like I'm the one treating her bad. I guess I do at times, but damn if she doesn't treat me bad as well. Gold digging is her specialty. She's just looking for someone to payroll her love of expensive restauraunts and ****tails and dessert.

I do want to date the new girl, there are some things about her personality wise that seem to indicate to me that she is a bit more level headed than my ex. It is way early to say, but that is how I feel now. Did I mention that she's really cute, in a different way than my ex and she has a different body type than my ex (closer to my ideal since I prefer shorter girls, my ex is tall!)

Why should I let a girl that broke up with me dictate who I see? Maybe it's because I rightly feel some responsibility for the breakup and still love my ex. That still doesn't mean that we are meant to be together. Although we do have some pretty mind blowing sex. That can always cloud ones vision.

 

[Big Pappy]

it just amazes me. Some people are only happy when their life is filled with drama.

You have already found one girl to replace the other one. Why not look for a second and a third? Give yourself oprions. Comparison shop.

The reason this girl wants you to stay home alone is because she didn't think you could find another girl this easily or quickly. She is basing your value on what others think about you instead of how she feels about you. She's such a competitive b*tch that she wants to validate herself by you obeying her every whim.

By all means, do her properly when you can, but put emotional connectivity with her out of your mind. She's blown it with you. Shouldn't she feel guilty for not knowing up front what a catch you are? Shouldn't she be miserable for screwing up. You have a responsibility to let her learn this lesson. How else will she grow and change if you don't let her learn this lesson?

Maybe you two are meant to be, just not right now. Have fun with the new girl - (I love the high energy chicks myself) - but keep your options open!

Best of luck,
BP

 

[NewMan]

Pappy hit this one on the head.

She see's where you are at - and that your not sitting at home crying over her and begging her to come back.

She probably figured it would be reversed.

Continue to live your life on your terms.

 

[Ricky]

Yep and the ex hit me up for some money. I paid it as kind of an exit fee.

I don't think I can handle her emotional problems.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Originally posted by Ricky
Yep and the ex hit me up for some money. I paid it as kind of an exit fee.

I don't think I can handle her emotional problems.

But you will keep trying to handle her emotional problems, until she gets bored with you and/or somebody else takes your place.

The problem is that if you do want to pursue something with her, having given her money just killed it for you. Forget about your accomodating, "nice" behavior towards her. I know, you love her, and you care for her, but a woman just interprets it as:"he's being a chump and I need to find out how wrapped I have him around my finger."

If you don't want to pursue anything, she will find ways to cling on to you, and will also try to milk it (for more cash). There is a precedent. She hit you up for money, and you complied. It is no longer a matter of she hoping to get money, its a matter of her expecting it.

Come on man, sack up and do the right thing. Cut her off. Puerto Rican Lover gave you the right advice, apply it. Keep dating the new girl, and add more to the rotation. You need to keep building your "pitching staff." No one girl is the most important, the "prize", they must compete for your attention. You must operate a "bullpen by comittee."