my ex and I

[DJArlington]

As some of you know on this site I had an LTR for a few years that was long distance. I did the majority of the breaking up due to problems with my family and my lack of trust in her (now with that being said looking back, I'm pretty sure that most of my trust issues didn't have merit).

Now fast forward to this year, we have been broken up since January. I have tried dating around and she has been dating someone since June 08. During July 4th I was going to visit her and she was supposed to meet my parents in early August. Well that didn't work out because I wasn't man enough. She was very disappointed.

So fast forward to September and I'm missing her so I tell her that finally, I'm going to move to her city. Of course she wants to see some action on this. During this conversation, I learn that she has been seeing someone else since June. Mind you the last few months (in the summer) she has been telling me that she's still in love with me (we occassionally spoke on the phone every few weeks). I guess that's okay because women also spin plates. She says at this time if I move to September she won't stop dating the guy she is with. She also says that there little chance of us ever getting back together. We agree not to speak (and in my mind I was letting go of her).

Fast forward to the end of September, she contacts me to make sure I'm still in love with her (though she is still dating this guy, again I guess I can't say anything). She also wants to tell me about an achievement in her career. She doesn't want to talk on the phone or anything or see each other.

Fast forward to last week, she calls me a bunch of times, texts, sends emails etc just to see how I'm doing. Well it ends up she says yet again she's still in love with me. This time I'm like we should see each other because talking on the phone is useless. I fly to where she lives. We have a blast (don't hookup though which was suprising [may be because she is with this guy, and heck she didn't even kiss me properly) and came to the conclusion that if we were to have a future that I should move to her city (which is fine w/me because I like it there better anyway).

Now I'm making plans to move there, and she says before I get there she'll break up with the guy. The problem is she won't talk to me everyday because she doesn't want to get sucked back in in case I don't go out there. And it's become really hard on me because of her lack of support. She is now come back twice to me to see if I still wanted a future. I know it sounds convoluted, but I really do. BUt my question is what kind of person would date someone, yet call up their ex who is a better catch, but yet not give them any support during the process of getting back together? LIke she'll talk to me, but not everyday. This process is very hard on me, especially leaving my family and all of the infighting.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Arlington,
What I got out of your story is that you are making fundamental life choices based off of a "possible" fantasy with this ex. Now realize I understand that you want to get back together, and everything be awesome, but what I'd suggest is go back and look at the reasons that you broke up with her in the first place. I think that it was trust issues based off the LDR. IF and only IF that was the fundamental reason, then you may have a chance at this thing working if you are in closer living position.
That's the upside, now for the downside. What I also read is that you are placing her on a pedestal. This sounds definitely of Oneitis. That you need to shake. If you are moving to a city it needs to be about "YOU" not her. Improve your life. Then you can consider dating her, but keep your options open. Keep spinning other plates. Isn't that what she is doing? Spinning you as a plate if this other guy doesn't work? Nevermind the "I love you" line. She may say that she loves you right before she sleeps with the current guy. Sorry I had to be so blunt about it, but thats what she's doing.

Work on you first. As a friend once told me you will never lose women chasing $, but you will always lose $ chasing women.

KC

 

[Rounder]

KC is exactly right.

The move should be for YOUR reasons, to improve your life - not due to a girl - an ex girl at that.

Also consider what your social life would be like after you move if things don't work out with this girl? Will living near her cause more problems for you in the future?

Don't make excuses to move there just for an opportunity to get a slice.

I assume you'll be changing jobs if you move there? Consider the economy and the unemployment rate right now - is your current job and financial situation secure?

Would you be just as secure if you move? Our economy has not hit bottom yet. Residential real estate has been hit hard, unemployment is up and while commercial real estate has not been effected too much yet - that may be on the horizon. If commercial real estate values take a hit, watch out, lending institutions are really going to take a hit and this economy could go to places never before seen. $700 billion helped the residential crisis - if the same thing happens to commercial property, we're talking trillions of dollars - there won't be any "bail out".

But yeah, go ahead and risk everything on a girl who you flew to see and wouldn't have sex with you nor kiss you "properly". The easiest girls to have sex with are the ones you've already had sex with! And she didn't put out!

 

[slaog]

If she is a quality woman and if you will feel better living in her city then it might be good for YOU to go there.


I can see her point in not wanting to get too close because she doesn't know for sure if you're going to move. It's good that nothing happened when you last visited because that means that she can control herself and is more trustworthy.


Look at all the positives and negatives before you decide.

 

[jophil28]

Don't make excuses to move there just for an opportunity to get a slice.

What is that sound ?
OH, it is the sound of a giant "hoover" sucking you back in so that she can then "decide" which guy gets the pleasure of fukking her when SHE wants it.

This has disaster written all over it. A woman who truly is in love with you will relocate to be with YOU, not the other way around.
By moving across the country to be with her you are implicitly placing her as "the Prize" . You will also be utterly powerless and at the mercy of her feelings and her whims.

I could go on and enlighten you about how skillfully she has maneuvered you into playing into her plans ,but I think that you would be better off just getting a grip on how much of a very bad idea is is for you to go live with or near her .

 

[STR8UP]

I would try to give you some advice, but sadly I don't think it would do any good.

R.I.P.

 

[JJ007]

Don't do it!!!!! It's definitely a bad idea...

If she loved you she wouldn't be sleeping with another man right now and telling you about it.

How does that make you feel? what respect does she have for you?

You got to be a man and do your own thing, not follow her around hoping she'll dump her current guy for you!!!

Ask yourself these questions:

1 - What happens to you if she doesn't dump this guy when you get there?

2 - What happens if she's still not happy with your efforts and keeps making you jump through diffrent hopes?

Think about it clearly...your gonna end up being the chump and regretting it!!:trouble:

 

[KontrollerX]

"BUt my question is what kind of person would date someone, yet call up their ex who is a better catch, but yet not give them any support during the process of getting back together?"

A fvcked up inconsiderate drama craving b!tch joke of a woman thats who and thats right I fvcking said it because someone has to.

Once you believe you are too good of a man for a woman like this you will be DJArlington.

Stop tolerating the scraps of intimacy from your love interests and start demanding equal effort for your time and love and most importantly stop this LDR madness in its tracks.

Its self destructive and only a man without options will ever engage in it.

Demand only the best for yourself in all ways and that is what you will get.

Do not tolerate or put yourself through uncertain anxiety and stress producing situations like this that are ultimately unwinnable.

"LIke she'll talk to me, but not everyday. This process is very hard on me, especially leaving my family and all of the infighting."

See even your family is b!tch slapping you about this its such a bad idea.

Despite all the programming you've been fed your entire life through the subtlety of societal propaganda relationships...

Good relationships are supposed to come easy and flow with harmony and grace.

They don't involve push pull games, uncertainty and drama like this and they especially don't involve one person putting in more effort than the other person to be together.

In short unlike the propaganda will tell you relationships do not require work to survive.

Bad relationships on the other hand do require work to survive.

Good relationships are absolutely effortless and harmonious and enrich the lives of both parties that engage in them tremendously.

While you pine away for your LDR goddess she is choking on her current boyfriend's c0ck and feeling the burning sting of semen as it coats both of her eyes, mouth and t!ts and this is what you'd give up and risk so much for?

A wh0re like this?

You'd degrade yourself like this just to have some companionship??

For Christ's sakes man buy a dog or hire an escort.

Far cheaper and far more reliable than moving to a new city and uprooting your life based on hope alone.

Get a grip dude.

Generally I say a family should mind their own fvcking business when it comes to a man's relationships but in this case and in all the poster's cases who are telling you this is a bad idea everyone saying it is a bad idea is right.

You are setting yourself up to get burned tremendously and lose a huge pile of money just so she can reveal to you she's going to stay with her current boyfriend and would like for you and she to be friends but she promises she'll get you aquainted with the new city.

What a load of garbage.

You know what?

If you live in a small town currently and that is the reason you are putting yourself through this long term relationship imaginary friend fagg0try definitely consider moving out to a new and active city just make sure its not the city she lives in because she lives there but a city that you want to go to because you'd like to live there.

Anyway though come on man wake the fvck up this isn't some situation you can write off as being unique and special and the rest of us just don't get it, thats rationalizing this horrid situation to yourself so you can put yourself through it.

Do not fvcking do it.

You will massively regret it.

And if you continue with this LDR madness start putting demands on this b!tch, make her move to your fvcking town if she cares about you so much, stop being led around by the g0ddamned nose by this cvnt and stand up for your fvcking self and see just how much her love talk is worth.

It ain't worth sh!t in my opinion but maybe if you take a stand to her as a man she'll surprise us both.

I doubt it though.

Just another selfish b!tch in my opinion who wants to make you jump through hoops so she can decide which flavor candy she likes this week ie you or the other guy she's taking it in the ass from right at this moment as you dream of holding her slvtty ass in your arms.

*Blech*

Anyway I like others think you'll probably end up going through with this and screwing your life up for a good long while and getting massive baggage as a result and massive regret but hey don't be afraid of coming back here dude we'll be here to support you of course and hear you out for what an idiot you were or how you now regret not listening and we promise not to say I told you so but we'd just like to ask that you remember to tell anyone else in the future that considers doing the same thing to save themselves the pain so that we don't have to.

 

[window]

DJ, you'll be making a big mistake by going there...women like options and she'll keep you in the wings all her life if necessary. The question you need to ask youself is why are you wasting your time on LDR's. Look at all the time this one has cost you and is going to cost you. Only seek out available women that have a high interest in you. This one clearly doesn't anymore.

 

[DJArlington]

Okay hold up for a second now. I am not that stupid to screw my life up. That's what I keep trying to tell everyone. So she moved to my city a few years ago and stayed here for 6 months. Because her career options were quite low and at that time I wasn't quite sure about her due to family and trust issues (that have now been long since cleared up, I was just an AFC back then). I then told her I would move to her city on a few occassions but I didn't follow through. That is where her lack of trust in me is coming from. The problem now is that this year I truly meant that I'm going to move but she now has so many barriers up. When I do move to the new city, I have been given reassurances that she will welcome me with open arms and the boy toy she has will not be in the picture. I know her very well and I believe her.

Here's the real problem in my eyes:

Before she called me last week I was doing a decent job of moving on. She spit me out like a piece of crap in September and told me at that time if I moved there that she would continue seeing the guy anyway (on the phone last night she said that's not what she meant), but since September she keeps checking to see if I'm in love with her. And then wants me to move cross country while she's banging a dude because she feels justification from my past broken promises. This is the same girl who gave me hell from talking to ex's, a sex tape that she initially refused to delete, and overall trust issues that I had, not to mention dealing with my crazy family. I got over all that stuff and I'm still being crapped on by her. The fact that she's not giving me an inch is b.s. The fact that she doesn't acknowledge that some of her previous actions contributed to this family drama doesn't help either, she has no sense of accountability which doesn't bode well for the future.

And you all are right, even though she says all these things to me she'll go back home after Thanksgiving and this guy is going to drop a bucket of gizz on her face. She says she has a healthy relationship with this guy and no drama. Seems to me she is being self destructive.

Oh and when I bring up past issues to her all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. And she calls me manipulative?

 

[KontrollerX]

"Okay hold up for a second now. I am not that stupid to screw my life up."

I beg to differ.

"I then told her I would move to her city on a few occassions but I didn't follow through. That is where her lack of trust in me is coming from."

Dude she's just pushing this "lack of trust in you for not following through thing" not because she really cares about that issue but rather in typical tricky chicky fashion she's using it as a device to serve as a smoke screen ie seemingly legitimate issue to keep your mind full of guilt pre-occupied with thinking about that and not focused on the only issue that matters which of course is her currently sucking another guy's c0ck. She really could give a sh!t less about how reliable your word is for moving or not moving.

"The problem now is that this year I truly meant that I'm going to move but she now has so many barriers up. When I do move to the new city, I have been given reassurances that she will welcome me with open arms and the boy toy she has will not be in the picture. I know her very well and I believe her."

You can never fully know anyone no matter how long you've known them. It could be and very well will be that when you move to this new city she'll profusely apologize to you for not actually wanting to be with you now that you are there and that it was simply a very bad idea to propose that you come there but now of course she's ready to offer you the extremely undesireable friends option for all your time and effort. Fvck that sh!t. You are again setting yourself up to lose a massive amount of money and it will be your fault for it too if you go through with this as we've all told you what is going to happen. She's going to want revenge on you for not bowing to her whims and going there as soon as she wanted it and so when you are finally there she's going to make some b.s excuse about how she really loves the other guy and again just now wants you as a friend to give her emotional support and relationship advice but of course she's really happy you now live in the city with her tee hee hee.

"Before she called me last week I was doing a decent job of moving on. She spit me out like a piece of crap in September and told me at that time if I moved there that she would continue seeing the guy anyway (on the phone last night she said that's not what she meant), but since September she keeps checking to see if I'm in love with her."

Yep, its very clear what she is intending for you and its not at all good or anything at all that you want out of her. She's going to continue seeing that guy and you are going to have spent all that money and end up sh!t out of luck. She'll apologize of course for her feelings having changed and you'll think that eventually you'll be able to win her over to justify your having fvcked yourself over so royally but yeah please don't spend all the effort on this nonsense.

You can re-begin the process of moving on from this emotional manipulator anytime you want as you have full 100% control of your life not her or anyone else. You re-begin the process of getting over her by going complete no contact and if you don't have one already you can get one of those phones that tell you who is calling so that if she calls you again you don't even answer and give her the satisfaction of hearing your voice.

Complete no contact is the only way you're going to get over her. You can't engage with her in anyway and allow yourself to be drawn in by her headgames and your previous emotional attachment to her.

"And then wants me to move cross country while she's banging a dude because she feels justification from my past broken promises."

Its like I told you earlier in this reply. She is just using fake outrage at your so called broken promises as a smoke screen justification for continuing to bang, suck and fvck this guy. Its the perfect rationalization for her to maintain her innocence in your eyes but she's not innocent and you need to wake up to that fact. She's manipulating you with fake outrage.

"This is the same girl who gave me hell from talking to ex's, a sex tape that she initially refused to delete, and overall trust issues that I had, not to mention dealing with my crazy family. I got over all that stuff and I'm still being crapped on by her. The fact that she's not giving me an inch is b.s. The fact that she doesn't acknowledge that some of her previous actions contributed to this family drama doesn't help either, she has no sense of accountability which doesn't bode well for the future."

She's a control freak and not the kind of girl anyone should ever try having a genuine relationship with as everything is almost always going to be about and for her and any guy involved with her is going to get very little of what he wants and when he tries to get what he wants he's going to have to listen to a torrent of b!tching and whining all in an effort to shut down the man's will to request what he wants and give her complete control.

Also you enable her lack of accountability by staying a part of this bad situation.

"And you all are right, even though she says all these things to me she'll go back home after Thanksgiving and this guy is going to drop a bucket of gizz on her face. She says she has a healthy relationship with this guy and no drama. Seems to me she is being self destructive."

Indeed and as soon as you become a healthy individual yourself you will become disgusted by a woman who claims to love you who would do this.

This sh!t would absolutely not be tolerated at all by any mentally healthy non AFC man.

A DJ with a truckload of options would not waste one second longer thinking about this skank.

"Oh and when I bring up past issues to her all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. And she calls me manipulative?"

See all this frustration and needless anxiety you've been put through and have been putting yourself through?

Its not worth it man.

Drop this cvnt and go hunt for someone decent.

Chasing after a cheating skank like this girl for love and stability is like trying to capture and chase the whirlwind which of course means what you look for in her will always ultimately be out of your reach because your goals and her goals are not the same.

 

[Rounder]

DJ - in response to your last comment - please see below.

I would try to give you some advice, but sadly I don't think it would do any good.

R.I.P.

QFT.

Best of luck to you.

 

[DJArlington]

"Okay hold up for a second now. I am not that stupid to screw my life up."

I beg to differ.

"I then told her I would move to her city on a few occassions but I didn't follow through. That is where her lack of trust in me is coming from."

Dude she's just pushing this "lack of trust in you for not following through thing" not because she really cares about that issue but rather in typical tricky chicky fashion she's using it as a device to serve as a smoke screen ie seemingly legitimate issue to keep your mind full of guilt pre-occupied with thinking about that and not focused on the only issue that matters which of course is her currently sucking another guy's c0ck. She really could give a sh!t less about how reliable your word is for moving or not moving.

"The problem now is that this year I truly meant that I'm going to move but she now has so many barriers up. When I do move to the new city, I have been given reassurances that she will welcome me with open arms and the boy toy she has will not be in the picture. I know her very well and I believe her."

You can never fully know anyone no matter how long you've known them. It could be and very well will be that when you move to this new city she'll profusely apologize to you for not actually wanting to be with you now that you are there and that it was simply a very bad idea to propose that you come there but now of course she's ready to offer you the extremely undesireable friends option for all your time and effort. Fvck that sh!t. You are again setting yourself up to lose a massive amount of money and it will be your fault for it too if you go through with this as we've all told you what is going to happen. She's going to want revenge on you for not bowing to her whims and going there as soon as she wanted it and so when you are finally there she's going to make some b.s excuse about how she really loves the other guy and again just now wants you as a friend to give her emotional support and relationship advice but of course she's really happy you now live in the city with her tee hee hee.

"Before she called me last week I was doing a decent job of moving on. She spit me out like a piece of crap in September and told me at that time if I moved there that she would continue seeing the guy anyway (on the phone last night she said that's not what she meant), but since September she keeps checking to see if I'm in love with her."

Yep, its very clear what she is intending for you and its not at all good or anything at all that you want out of her. She's going to continue seeing that guy and you are going to have spent all that money and end up sh!t out of luck. She'll apologize of course for her feelings having changed and you'll think that eventually you'll be able to win her over to justify your having fvcked yourself over so royally but yeah please don't spend all the effort on this nonsense.

You can re-begin the process of moving on from this emotional manipulator anytime you want as you have full 100% control of your life not her or anyone else. You re-begin the process of getting over her by going complete no contact and if you don't have one already you can get one of those phones that tell you who is calling so that if she calls you again you don't even answer and give her the satisfaction of hearing your voice.

Complete no contact is the only way you're going to get over her. You can't engage with her in anyway and allow yourself to be drawn in by her headgames and your previous emotional attachment to her.

"And then wants me to move cross country while she's banging a dude because she feels justification from my past broken promises."

Its like I told you earlier in this reply. She is just using fake outrage at your so called broken promises as a smoke screen justification for continuing to bang, suck and fvck this guy. Its the perfect rationalization for her to maintain her innocence in your eyes but she's not innocent and you need to wake up to that fact. She's manipulating you with fake outrage.

"This is the same girl who gave me hell from talking to ex's, a sex tape that she initially refused to delete, and overall trust issues that I had, not to mention dealing with my crazy family. I got over all that stuff and I'm still being crapped on by her. The fact that she's not giving me an inch is b.s. The fact that she doesn't acknowledge that some of her previous actions contributed to this family drama doesn't help either, she has no sense of accountability which doesn't bode well for the future."

She's a control freak and not the kind of girl anyone should ever try having a genuine relationship with as everything is almost always going to be about and for her and any guy involved with her is going to get very little of what he wants and when he tries to get what he wants he's going to have to listen to a torrent of b!tching and whining all in an effort to shut down the man's will to request what he wants and give her complete control.

Also you enable her lack of accountability by staying a part of this bad situation.

"And you all are right, even though she says all these things to me she'll go back home after Thanksgiving and this guy is going to drop a bucket of gizz on her face. She says she has a healthy relationship with this guy and no drama. Seems to me she is being self destructive."

Indeed and as soon as you become a healthy individual yourself you will become disgusted by a woman who claims to love you who would do this.

This sh!t would absolutely not be tolerated at all by any mentally healthy non AFC man.

A DJ with a truckload of options would not waste one second longer thinking about this skank.

"Oh and when I bring up past issues to her all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. And she calls me manipulative?"

See all this frustration and needless anxiety you've been put through and have been putting yourself through?

Its not worth it man.

Drop this cvnt and go hunt for someone decent.

Chasing after a cheating skank like this girl for love and stability is like trying to capture and chase the whirlwind which of course means what you look for in her will always ultimately be out of your reach because your goals and her goals are not the same.

I am done with her. I will send an email to her today cutting things off and I will call the phone company. I am so blind sometimes with women. They are my weakness. I need to work on this.

 

[thedeparted]

I am done with her. I will send an email to her today cutting things off and I will call the phone company. I am so blind sometimes with women. They are my weakness. I need to work on this.

And I was about to tell you to cut off your balls with a steak knife. But do yourself a favor and don't send the email. Just cut off all communication now and forever. Immediately start finding new women. And never look back. You are Lot, leaving Sodom...

 

[decades]

yo! dj arlington. don't make the biggest mistake of your life. PLEASE. And young DJs. This is what happens when you don't follow me Jophil and Kontroller's advice to go No Contact. You get sucked back in for more MISERY!

 

[DJArlington]

yo! dj arlington. don't make the biggest mistake of your life. PLEASE. And young DJs. This is what happens when you don't follow me Jophil and Kontroller's advice to go No Contact. You get sucked back in for more MISERY!

To all the young people on this site please use me as an example. No contact means no contact, no matter what. Block numbers, emails, whatever you gotta do. There are some demented women out there. Look at the one I've been involved with. She must have called me a bizillion times that day and now wants to make me jump through hoops to be with her. And now my head is messed up bigtime, these type of women can bring you down, DO NOT LET them. Please LEARN from me.

Kontroller X - Thank you for saving me from even MORE misery.

 

[window]

case closed

 

[Nutz]

Bump for this quality thread. Don't get played guys.

 

[DJArlington]

Remember if you know that you should get out of situation with a woman, your decision must be firm. If your mind wavered like mine did, it will take a toll on your mental health. And women don't care about that, a woman such as the one in this thread will suck the life out of you if you let them.

Some important lessons:

1. Confidence in your decision making
2. Sticking to your decisions (even though emotionally you don't feel like it's the right thing to do).
3. Making decisions based on logical reasoning and not emotions
4. Always know that there is someone else better out there (because like Kontroller good relationships are easy, it's the bad ones that take work to prolong)

 

[betterthandead]

Fast forward to the end.