Technical1
Senior Don Juan
My Dad is a pretty cool guy, he's my hero honestly and alot of people look up to him. He is the kind of guy that is pretty magnetic, has people (especially women) approaching him in supermarkets just to chit-chat, and you always hear "everybody likes ___". He literally seems to make friends with everyone he meets, even some shady people, so we make fun of him for it. "Oh look, another friend for dad." "Oh look, dad just made a friend." His ability to make friends with random strangers is legendary.
Anyway, he totally has my mom under his thumb and has had for 24 years since they married. She loves him. They do stuff together like workout, go to concerts and comedy clubs, meet at restaurants. We had a lot of love growing up and as I think most people will aspire for the kind of marriage my parents had, I just want to put a few things out there, telling how my dad handles himself with my mom. You'll recognize alot of the DJ principles, even though my father never taught me these principles explicitly, apparently he developed them on his own.
1. He is really focused on his hobbies:
My dad loves fishing and tennis. During the week he always has something to do. This keeps him out of the house two nights a week, keeps him refreshed and in OK shape. (Actually he has a beer belly nowadays). He gets energy from outside the house and brings it back into the house, so to speak.
2. Doesn't let anyone control his comings and goings:
This I think is the key to his power. He literally just does what he wants. When he wants to go fishing, he goes. If my mom protests, unless he thinks its for some serious reason, he goes anyway. He usually calls to let people know what he's doing, but I dont think he ALWAYS calls. Sometimes he just goes. (In the early years, before cell phones, I think he literally just went). You can tell him he's not going fishing, but unless you have a serious reason, he is going fishing. If he wants to stay out late with friends, he does. Every couple of weeks, he does this. He does not phone to say when he'll be back, unless he wont be back that evening. I think not letting the woman control your comings and goings is one of the biggest single relationship things to keep in mind.
3. Has social proof:
My mom kind of loves and hates this. When she takes him to a girl-party with her friends, they all love him. Some of them talk about how charming he is, etc. This gives my dad big leverage because women are so social. We all know that it would be extremely easy for him to find another woman.
4. Doesn't share decision making power equally:
This is probably controversial, I don't know if this is just their dynamic or if its a good general dynamic. He only lets mom have 1/3 of the decision making power, even in major decisions effecting finances and the house, etc. If she says she doesnt like something, sometimes he will literally just do it anyway. It boggles my mind. He will completely ignore her and just do it. I know because I have become involved in their fights (they fight, in the old days it was every two months or so). My dad literally does not let her have the decision making power. This is why I always think of him as the "soft tyrant".
5. Doesn't identify with her:
It took Rollo Tomassi to articulate this principle, and when I read it I recognized immediately what he meant. My dad will listen to all my moms problems, give some perspective on it, reassure her a bit, and then say, "Hey, lets go play tennis!", or "Hey, let's go on a bike ride." He doesn't worry about her problems and when they sit down he is as free as a bird. She uses him as a source of happiness because she is too much of a neurotic, perfectionist, self-critical soul to really generate much stable happiness on her own. Usually she is often worn out and frustrated with her work, and my dad refreshes her because he is into his own thing and she just picks up on it.
I always wondered why my dad didn't close this gap, why my dad maintained this distance. Why he didn't step nearer to my mom and become "one" with her and thus lose his identity. Why he didnt sit around with her eating ice cream in his pyjamas and watching television. Well, now I know what lies down that path.
So in return for all this, she buys him presents, is kind to him, does things with him, keeps her weight under control for him, and lets him do his hobbies whenever he wants. Plus as kids we had the ultimate loving home atmosphere where we played games together and it was pretty fricking awesome by any standard.
I just wanted to share this, a character study of a natural DJ.
Anyway, he totally has my mom under his thumb and has had for 24 years since they married. She loves him. They do stuff together like workout, go to concerts and comedy clubs, meet at restaurants. We had a lot of love growing up and as I think most people will aspire for the kind of marriage my parents had, I just want to put a few things out there, telling how my dad handles himself with my mom. You'll recognize alot of the DJ principles, even though my father never taught me these principles explicitly, apparently he developed them on his own.
1. He is really focused on his hobbies:
My dad loves fishing and tennis. During the week he always has something to do. This keeps him out of the house two nights a week, keeps him refreshed and in OK shape. (Actually he has a beer belly nowadays). He gets energy from outside the house and brings it back into the house, so to speak.
2. Doesn't let anyone control his comings and goings:
This I think is the key to his power. He literally just does what he wants. When he wants to go fishing, he goes. If my mom protests, unless he thinks its for some serious reason, he goes anyway. He usually calls to let people know what he's doing, but I dont think he ALWAYS calls. Sometimes he just goes. (In the early years, before cell phones, I think he literally just went). You can tell him he's not going fishing, but unless you have a serious reason, he is going fishing. If he wants to stay out late with friends, he does. Every couple of weeks, he does this. He does not phone to say when he'll be back, unless he wont be back that evening. I think not letting the woman control your comings and goings is one of the biggest single relationship things to keep in mind.
3. Has social proof:
My mom kind of loves and hates this. When she takes him to a girl-party with her friends, they all love him. Some of them talk about how charming he is, etc. This gives my dad big leverage because women are so social. We all know that it would be extremely easy for him to find another woman.
4. Doesn't share decision making power equally:
This is probably controversial, I don't know if this is just their dynamic or if its a good general dynamic. He only lets mom have 1/3 of the decision making power, even in major decisions effecting finances and the house, etc. If she says she doesnt like something, sometimes he will literally just do it anyway. It boggles my mind. He will completely ignore her and just do it. I know because I have become involved in their fights (they fight, in the old days it was every two months or so). My dad literally does not let her have the decision making power. This is why I always think of him as the "soft tyrant".
5. Doesn't identify with her:
It took Rollo Tomassi to articulate this principle, and when I read it I recognized immediately what he meant. My dad will listen to all my moms problems, give some perspective on it, reassure her a bit, and then say, "Hey, lets go play tennis!", or "Hey, let's go on a bike ride." He doesn't worry about her problems and when they sit down he is as free as a bird. She uses him as a source of happiness because she is too much of a neurotic, perfectionist, self-critical soul to really generate much stable happiness on her own. Usually she is often worn out and frustrated with her work, and my dad refreshes her because he is into his own thing and she just picks up on it.
I always wondered why my dad didn't close this gap, why my dad maintained this distance. Why he didn't step nearer to my mom and become "one" with her and thus lose his identity. Why he didnt sit around with her eating ice cream in his pyjamas and watching television. Well, now I know what lies down that path.
So in return for all this, she buys him presents, is kind to him, does things with him, keeps her weight under control for him, and lets him do his hobbies whenever he wants. Plus as kids we had the ultimate loving home atmosphere where we played games together and it was pretty fricking awesome by any standard.
I just wanted to share this, a character study of a natural DJ.
