Most favorable resolution to this issue

[Rubato]

Greetings all, I come humbly seeking your advice once more.

This situation is simple. I have prescribed Klonopin and Ritalin and began my first drug holiday this past Monday after about 5 months of use. That was awful. I am still not sure whether I am out of the woods yet or not. One of the reasons why it was so awful is because I did not have the presence of mind to stop myself from doing some really AFCish things... my mind was impaired though rather than my motor coordination.

A girl I've been seeing for about 2 months told me she was going to send me a Christmas card. My family was getting our Christmas cards ready this week, and I sent her one of the most AFC card/letters I've ever composed. Just imagine all that flowery "you're special", "I'm so glad you're in my life", "Christmas is magical" BS. No "I love you's" or anything that crazy.

I've been NCing this girl since Tues morning because I really haven't felt like I've been of the right frame of mind to be communicating with a girl right now. On Wed night, she sent me

"I got your Christmas card! I love it! It's so sweet! Just like you! & made me smile. I hope your bookshelf is coming along nicely"

I never responded to that. And as far as I'm concerned, what this text message said (and I really hate texting BTW) was that she did like the card, but not because there is any sort of reciprocity of feeling... because she's an attention ***** and I've done a good job of feeding the monster, stroking her ego, and flattering her.

My wing assures me this girl is really in to me and she's been pretty convincing as far as the words she uses. Not so much with her actions. I was ready to preemptively LJBF her yesterday because I struggle with oneitis over this girl anyways which turns what should be something fun in to an emotional liability for me, and because I just don't feel that the IL is high enough "in the gut". He thinks that a more "warm and fuzzy" response will be included in her Christmas card she's sending me. Who knows.

And really, this may be a consequence of this withdrawal I'm in the middle of, but I don't really care either. This has been going on for over 2 months with her, and as far as I'm concerned, if she isn't sufficiently interested in me by now, she's an idiot and I need to drop her. I can't waste my time on girls who don't see enough good capital in me to be willing to invest themselves.

So what's the most favorable resolution to all of this for me?

A preemptive LBJF/dump

A continued NC/withdraw while I get my sh1t together so I can reevaluate what I think about things when I have a clear mind?

Something else?

 

[Serg897]

My wing assures me this girl is really in to me and she's been pretty convincing as far as the words she uses. Not so much with her actions.

What is it about her actions that has you convinced her interest is low? Is it just that she doesn't initiate contact with you? Does she flake or show low interest in meeting up?

If these things are the case I would just withdraw my attention. No need for any preemptive dump or discussion about "status" with her - I think that kind of drama should always be avoided unless she brings it up. Simply withdraw and see if she comes back to you. If she doesn't, you know for sure she is not worth your time.

 

[st_99]

Well, it sounds like you have assessed the situation correctly. You have oneitis, you dont think her IL in you is high enough, and she has gotten you to drift into an afc mind frame.

I'd say just LJBF her (without telling her that) and then go game other
girls and work on yourself to build your alpha framework up. Thats pretty
much it. But if your emotions are too built up over this girl then you'll probably
need a full withdrawal to get yourself right.

 

[Rubato]

@Serg

I think her IL is at an all time low right now because I just don't seem to be that much of a priority to the girl. I usually get much better reactions from women then I'm getting from this one. To put it in perspective, I ran in to a girl last night I haven't seen since I met her on afternoon at a summer volleyball game this past July. She remembered me enough to remember what I look like, opened me (I had forgotten all about her), remembered my first and last name, what I'm studying in school, that I play the piano and have been in a band, and that I rock climb.

Now, I spent about 3 hours with that girl 6 months ago and completely forgot about her.

Let's contrast that with how the HB I wrote this post about is responding to me:

She has never flaked, but setting up a date with her is almost like pulling teeth. She's just always so busy. And at first glance, it seems like she really is. However, she's not too busy to forgo her girl's night out dates once a week. She's not too busy to forgo her obsessive, almost daily running schedule. She's not too busy to discontinue her Netflix subscription and delete the IMDB app off her d@mn phone and stop wasting excessive amounts of her time watching other people live life on the TV. It's not that I am against movies and television, but I mean... it's ridiculous.

In the beginning, she suggested date ideas. She has not done that in a while. Maybe 1 month.

She also texted me with much more regularity than she does now, which is ironic given that she should have more free time on her hands than she does now.

She texted me Tues morning and I called her. I haven't communicated with her since. She hasn't communicated with me, with the exception of that Wed. night text about my Christmas card. The last time I went NC on her, it took less than 24 hours before she was trying to set up a date with me and started asking what was wrong. And I have not made my voice heard since Tuesday (and that's not a bad thing. I would end up going all AFC with just about any girl right now. Don't ever take a benzo unless you either plan on taking it for life and upping your dosage in perpetuity as you develop tolerance or you're willing to deal with a week+ long withdrawal period where you feel like you're losing your mind and don't feel/act like yourself. At all).

This all plays some big mind-f*ck game with me because in the midst of what, if I were doing it, I would call a strategic withdraw or NC session, she peppers in future promises for activities and words suggestive of a very high IL. Last Sunday, for instance. She made me lunch and apologized that all she had to make me was a sandwich, more than once. She told me that to make it up to me, she'd make her favorite family dish for dinner. She tells me she's needs my address so she can send me a Christmas card. She tells me she's gotta work all this week, but she'll get a day off next week and she'll save it for me. She says all the right things. Getting them to materialize is just a bit simpler than transforming lead in to gold. It's happened, but I feel like if the girl had a reasonable IL, I wouldn't have to work to make it happen. It would be easy, or at least easier.

My wing tells me I'm acting "trigger happy". And he may be right, because I'm really sick of being burned by the occasion girl who comes along that happens to stroke my emotional tethers the right way and turns out to be a very low value girl who doesn't appreciate me. And it seems like I'm categorically attracted to that sort of girl. I don't understand it.

The biggest problem I'm having with this girl now has very little do with the fact that I like her. I have seen some of the guys she's dated in the past, and not only are they completely unattractive, but in some cases they have absolutely no positive capital whatsoever. They're fat, dress poorly, slobs, unattractive, dudes (or "bros" as I called them before) who treat her poorly and have nothing at all going on in their life outside of the sports bar they assemble together at. And it makes me think that a girl who has been eating off of a platter like that should be one of the easiest girls in the world to bed. I was telling my wing last night, this isn't even about wanting an LTR or anything like that with her. I just want to know that I can/could have f'd her (and if it's possible, then I'd like to prove it). That might be a really bad way to think about this, but I'm just being honest about where I am. And maybe in a week or whenever it is that I get beyond this medication issue, I will be able to frame the issue differently.

My plan was to wait the girl out until she does finally contact me and asks me where in the he11 I've been. And when she does, talk to her like any other friend and as st_99 said, LJBF myself without telling her I'm LJBFing her. Disqualify myself as relationship material, if she says something funny, laugh and tell her how happy I am that the 2 of us have the friendship we do.... the same thing if she says something (though I sincerely doubt it) wise or thought provoking. Subtle things like that that a man might miss but a girl would understand. As far as I'm concerned, she would have to do something pretty spectacular to convince me she's worth me considering as LTR material anymore. At this point, I either just want to get laid or accept the blow to my pride that I can't this time and learn from the situation in such a way is that it makes me a better man... and more capable of succeeding next time.

 

[EFFORT]

At this point, I either just want to get laid or accept the blow to my pride that I can't this time and learn from the situation in such a way is that it makes me a better man... and more capable of succeeding next time.

If you haven't had sex with her and its been 2months then there's a very,very small chance of it happening. Despite that I say get her alone, go for the make out and just crash and burn it for the learning experience. Ask her to come over and watch a movie with you. If she won't even do this then go ahead and chalk this up as a learning experience.

 

[Serg897]

It does sound like a classic case of decreasing interest. The decreased texting, decreased initiation of date ideas, etc pretty much sound like my situation. She has problably moved on to another boy toy.

Like Effort said, if its really been two months and you haven't fvcked her its doubtful its going to happen now.

My plan was to wait the girl out until she does finally contact me and asks me where in the he11 I've been. And when she does, talk to her like any other friend and as st_99 said, LJBF myself without telling her I'm LJBFing her.

This works, but you must have the mental discipline and actually follow through. You must be strong and maintain the no contact, for your own benefit. Consider deleting her number from your phone so you cant call her at all. You must also acknowledge the possibility that maybe she wont contact you. This is what happened to me. Its been 1.5 weeks since I last contacted the girl I got a bit of a oneitis for, meaning that she truly doesn't care whether I call her or not. This may end up being the case for you also.

I always try to remain conscious of the alternative. Sure I could contact her and I might even score a date, but she knows the power is in her hands. She knows she has something I want and she will more than likely play games and make me jump through hoops in pursuit of it. It would not be a relationship based on mutual desire, trust, and understanding anymore - instead it would be lopsided and emotionally draining. She would do nothing to add to my life and do everything to take away from it. This is what you must realize also. Its impossible to have a healthy relationship with a woman that is not as interested in you as you are in her.

Definately hurts the ego. I've been fooling around with other women, but none of them as hot or as intelligent as she was. Just remember that it will take time for the pain associated with the loss to pass. Make sure you learn the lessons here.

 

[Rubato]

If you haven't had sex with her and its been 2months then there's a very,very small chance of it happening. Despite that I say get her alone, go for the make out and just crash and burn it for the learning experience. Ask her to come over and watch a movie with you. If she won't even do this then go ahead and chalk this up as a learning experience.

Well, she's already agreed to that date actually. Tuesday, the last time i spoke with her, she told me she'd "save" her day off of work next week and come over to my house.

You're right that 2 months without sex is not ideal. And this is my fault

First, as the man for failing to escalate. And second, as the man for not planning our dates around places more conducive to escalation. I kept going over to her house, which was convenient, but her parents never gave us any privacy. It was weird. Even when we watched movies together, her mom would sit at the kitchen table and watch the movie from behind us. I never felt comfortable trying to escalate in front of her mom.

Even though this girl consumed more of my mental energy than she should have, school was consuming its fair share and it's a crappy excuse, but I literally lost track of the relationship clock and didn't even realize it had been about 2 months until finals week. And that's about when it occurred to me that only minimal escalation had been taking place. That's why I decided for a change of venue in our next date.

My wing is adamant that this situation is a byproduct of my drug withdrawal and has no basis in reality outside of my mind. I suppose we'll see who's right. He asked me what I'm waiting for with her. She texted me Wed. night about that Christmas card, and I never texted her back. He also said that given she told me a few times that she wasn't used to guys treating her "like a lady" and "with class", she may very well have been being honest with me (it fits the frame of the dudes she's dated) and may have more a problem than not being used to it... she also may not know how to properly respond to it either.

@Serg

It wouldn't surprise me if she has moved on to another guy. It also wouldn't surprise me if she's just a dumb b1tch that's going to spend her entire break single, working crazy hours at that Italian restaurant and wasting whatever free time she has left watching more movies or recreating episodes of Sex and the City with her girlfriends over cheese and wine she can't really afford. I have the mental discipline to follow through with this. I have never broken NC with a girl before. I totally agree with you about the dynamic of dating a disinterested woman. Which is why I feel like I've already disqualified in her in my mind as a potential LTR.

And like you said, I've found other women to mess around with. It's not hitting the sweet spot in me though. I'm not sure what it is about these f'd up girls that inspires such attraction in me.

I'm not sure that there was just one lesson in this for me to learn. I think there are a few, and I'm going to need to take some time to sit back and really consider what all happened here, from the development of the oneitis to the decline and fall of her IL. Off the bat, I know I need to learn the following:

I am the man and am responsible for the sexual tenor of all of my relationships. If they don't escalate or escalate fast enough, that's my fault. I need to escalate. And if the venue's we're at aren't conducive to escalate, move the f*ck over to another venue.

I am the man and am responsible for the relational escalation of all of my relationships. If I don't get anywhere with the otherwise higher value girls I see, it's because I did something wrong. Whether it be a failure to sexually escalate and/or as happened in this case, not be mindful of how long we've actually been seeing each other and get lazy about things and act inconsiderate of the frame I'm establishing... it's all my responsibility and I will reap what I sow.

There is more here. I'm just too tired to think on it right now.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies