Monogamy or beyond? What would be your most ideal relationship set-up?

[Desdinova]

What came up for me next was the conditioned thought that many men find monogamy unnatural.

For me, I honestly don't find monogamy unnatural. In fact, I find it quite the opposite. However, my desire to look at other women and find them attractive is still there. That's why my compromise would be to have multiple wives. The problem with that is it's not socially acceptable (or legal) except for certain places in the world, and is usually accompanied by religions I have no desire to be part of. Therefore, I need to evaluate the value of my partner and figure out it she's worth abandoning my desire for variety or not. Dealing with multiple women, especially the ones in today's society can be a royal pain in the ass. Not only that, I also have the desire to protect the woman (or women) I've invested my time in. In other words, I can fvck multiple women, but they should not be allowed to fvck multiple men. This is why I would prefer an arrangement of having multiple wives. I would theoretically own them all AND satisfy my desire for variety.

I questioned if men who are in committed monogamous relationships feel deeply or significantly constricted, within their bodies and within their relationships. I wouldn't want to be the cause of any man feeling that way, especially my beloved.

I don't feel restricted at all. My GF is respectful of my need for time away from her and activities that she has no interest in. When it comes to sex, I also don't feel restricted. I'll happily boink her in the sack, blow my load, and be satisfied. Variety isn't something I focus on. Variety is just part of my natural desire. If I made variety my focus, I could easily have it. It does not occupy every moment of my day. The only time it enters my mind is when I see or meet an attractive woman, but it doesn't enter my mind as "I'd like to add her to my collection". No, it enters my mind suddenly as in "Man, I would love to fvck the 5hit out of that!"

Variety isn't something that I dwell on. Variety is something spontaneous and without thought of consequence, at least in the initial moment. Would I cheat on my GF? Possibly, but it would need to be in a location where I wouldn't have to deal with consequence. If I'm on a business trip, I would possibly take advantage of it. It would be no strings attached. My GF fulfils me enough to the point where I wouldn't feel the need to abandon her for some piece of ass who temporarily walk across my path. It would be purely for fun and would end when I was done my business trip.

Then there is this idea that sex is emotional for women but not necessarily for men.

Correct. I don't feel an emotional connection during sex. I feel the emotional connection when we're out having fun doing an activity. However, unlike most men, I realise that women do feel an emotional connection and I enjoy taking advantage of that fact. I'll do things to increase that feeling of emotional connection for her. I enjoy using sex as part of the seduction. The reason for that is I enjoy the thought that she's not going to be able to find equivalent sexual satisfaction from other men if she should leave. I enjoy the thought of getting revenge through her subconscious. But that's just me. I don't think a lot of other men think about that aspect of it and would just prefer the satisfaction of blowing their load.

This is what I'm going to suggest to you... You need to make yourself valuable enough so that a man won't WANT to fvck up a monogamous relationship with you. The value of a good woman can be higher than a romp in the sack with an attractive woman who has a 5hitty personality. Improve yourself. Make yourself the woman that men desire. If you're significantly overweight, lose it. Avoid getting tattoos. Wear things that make you look feminine and sexy. Avoid having short hair. Avoid having grey hair. Cook for him, clean for him, rub his back, and give him some free time. However, make sure you don't put yourself in a situation where he demands that you be his slave. You should NOT be a good woman to the wrong man.

The thing about me is that I'm at a point in my life where I could care less if I'm committed to a woman or not. I thrive well on my own. However, I'm currently in a situation where the woman I'm with is fully committed and invested in me. She cares for me, and I find that valuable especially for my age. I'll be turning 40 in less than a year and I realise that my health isn't always going to be 100%. Having someone around to help out when I'm having difficulties in health has become somewhat of a desired luxury. She does all kinds of stuff for me when I have aching muscles or a cold. A woman should take care of her warrior and help him back to health.

The most unattractive thing I've ever encountered was a woman who would NOT help her warrior back to health. I was dating this woman who grew up without her dad. I was having a bit of a rough day, and she point blank said "I don't need no man dumping his problem on me!" I was dumbfounded by this statement, and she quickly found herself single again.

A man is there to protect his woman and his property. He cannot efficiently do it if he's injured or feeling unwell. It should be her job to help speed up his recovery so she can remain protected.

 

[zekko]

My thought is about character. A man's character is what gains my respect

Then find a guy with character. Those are a lot of pretty words, but I'm sure any guy here could go out and find some slvt to love who would cheat on us. But I don't think many of us would be trying to rationalize it as loving more completely and freely. I'd tell you what I'd tell anyone else here: SCREEN.

What is interesting is, I likely could/would enjoy being with a woman in front of him, only if that pleased him (and me), but he could only be a spectator, till she left. Maybe not fair, but honest.

I think most women entertain bisexual thoughts. In the context of having a healthy relationship with a man, however, I'd say it's best to leave it alone.

 

[Dingo]

LYD....

Not a put down.... can you or anyone else summarize ?

I may have something to contribute but I'm confused.

 

[zekko]

Not a put down.... can you or anyone else summarize ?

She watched some red pill video now she thinks it will be more "enlightened" of her to enter into a relationship where the guy can screw around on her.

Men will always be tempted - there are a lot of attractive women in the world. But a guy who can't keep it in his pants is only being selfish, and not looking after her interests IMO. Many guys here think women are only attracted to narcissists and sociopaths though, so if that's what you want honey, have at it.

 

[LiveYourDream]

She watched some red pill video now she thinks it will be more "enlightened" of her to enter into a relationship where the guy can screw around on her.

@zekko, I am sorry and saddened to read that ^^^ is what you perceived in what I shared.

 

[zekko]

@zekko, I am sorry and saddened to read that ^^^ is what you perceived in what I shared.

Look, I know I'm sounding like a d!ck in this thread, but this is the same sort of "tough love" that a guy would get if he were thinking of entering such a relationship. It's not intended to insult you. Actually, if a guy were contemplating this, he would probably be tossed out as a troll. I know men and women are different, but that doesn't change the situation IMO. Don't willingly make yourself a victim.

 

[LiveYourDream]

LYD....
Not a put down.... can you or anyone else summarize ?

@Dingo, I watched a video that triggered me to question how I do relationships, why that is, and if monogamy is the most loving set-up for all involved. I am a ltr monogamous woman. The video brought up that monogamy can sometimes be chosen from fear and insecurity. I'd never really thought of it and wanted to be sure fear wasn't driving my choices on some subtle level, so I questioned it.

The video also touched on how some people prefer multiple partners and monogamy feels unnatural to them. I've read often that monogamy feels unnatural to men. With all the reading I've done at SS and outside conversations, I wondered if deep down that was indeed true for all men. I wondered if all men felt constricted when in a monogamous relationship. I had no idea. I am a woman. With what I've read on SS and the couple of conversations I've had beyond that, variety seemed to predominate men's thoughts. I wondered if indeed monogamy was unnatural for men. I wondered if that was true what that constriction was like for men and how it affected them. I am not a man. I had no idea. I felt deep compassion.

The idea of men feeling bound and constricted, from who and what they naturally are, troubled me. It saddened me. I feel like men sacrifice so much and give so much of themselves and their time and energy, for the benefit of others and improving this world, and that they already are so immensely under appreciated and misunderstood, it all compounded the sadness for me. I want men to feel free, acknowledged, appreciated, supported, and recognized as the heroes of this world they so often are, and to feel loved.

It all made me wonder, if indeed monogamy feels constricting and unnatural for a man, then what is needed for him to feel unconstricted and natural and in alignment with who he is? I next considered that if I love the man I parter with, I would want him to not feel constricted. What would I need to do or could I do, to help? From there I wondered if an open relationship, on his end, might be necessary, for him to feel unconstricted? I followed down the rabbit hole, thought after thought, till I came out the other side.

What I found out, is that:
1. I don't choose monogamy from fear or insecurity.
2. Monogamy is not constricting to all men the way I had mistakenly come to believe.
3. Some men not only don't feel constricted by monogamy, they actually prefer monogamy as well.
4. My own heart is not a good match for partnering with a man that needs sex on the side.
5. I feel hurt in my heart and separation between us, if my man were to be sexual with another woman.
5. I choose monogamy to love and connect with all that I am, and with the greatest of ease.
6. I best partner with a man who prefers monogamy himself and who feels himself and satisfied, within it.
7. Now I know, even more clearly, why I line up with monogamy as I do.
8. My part is to be a desirable feminine woman who provides great value and is an amazing partner.
9. I must screen, screen, screen, for men of good solid character, with shared values.
10. It's up to me to line up inside and to honor myself, my heart and with what makes me happy and to then interact from that place.

Nothing new here for SS.

As a woman, I was asking for help to understand men more clearly. I asked questions. Men kindly responded. While the men stated the obvious to themselves or each other, it was an absolute gift to me. It blew up a false paradigm I had about men and what they wanted or needed from women. It set me free.

I was headed down the path of wondering if I needed to figure out how to be comfortable in an open relationship, to best honor/love a man. What I learned (thanks to the men here) is I don't need learn how to do that. All men do NOT feel constricted by monogamy. Some men genuinely prefer monogamy just as I do. They exist!!!! Men I meet who aren't genuinely aligned with monogamy, to wish them the best and know they are not a good match for my heart. My job is to be a desirable, feminine woman who is an amazing partner and from that place screen, screen, screen for men with genuinely shared values.

That's all really... It all got long because it went through my female brain and emotions. I feel like I am out the other side now and ever grateful to the men who responded and gave me an incredible gift. Huge thanks and gratitude for their willingness to help me better understand!!!

 

[LiveYourDream]

Look, I know I'm sounding like a d!ck in this thread, but this is the same sort of "tough love" that a guy would get if he were thinking of entering such a relationship. It's not intended to insult you. Actually, if a guy were contemplating this, he would probably be tossed out as a troll. I know men and women are different, but that doesn't change the situation IMO. Don't willingly make yourself a victim.

I am not a fan of victim consciousness, especially not in myself. I appreciate tough love. I truly do. I appreciate that was your intent. I think the misunderstanding is that I TRULY did not understand/see something. I didn't know exactly what it was I was missing. I was here GENUINELY asking/pleading for help, so that I could better understand.

What was shared was transformational, for me. Was it simply men stating the obvious. It likely looks that way if you read it. I am woman and my brain had a false paradigm about men. This thread found it and blew it apart for me!!! I can't tell you what a gift that is!!! If I seemed to be trolling for the obvious, I am sorry.

I am truly here to understand more. Sometimes what seems obvious to one, isn't to another. I appreciate your tough love and of all the men here. I appreciate the kindness and patience in allowing me to ask what may seem obvious to all of you. Without this thread and the men who responded, I very well could have sacrificed my heart, "in the name of love", when that is not at all what was needed. I have huge gratitude! You all saved me from a heart wrenching partnership that I now don't need, in order to learn what this thread taught me! My heroes!

What I also gained is an even happier and more free me! That's a huge gift to me (and to the man I next partner with). Thank you SS!

 

[LiveYourDream]

1. If you could set up your ideal on-going relationship or ltr, in ANY way you wanted, what would you design for the two of you? A monogamous relationship.

The alternative and true answer to this is "I would have a massive complex of 4000 women, all 10/10, spending all day waiting for which one I pick" I would also like to be king of the world. We have to work on some basis of agreement hence we need rules of sorts.

Thank you for sharing and for your honesty Fruitbat! Both of these answers made me smile.

In any relationship I form, I'd reserve the right to sleep with girls on the side--no strings attached, discreet--but she'd come first, as in, when I'm with her I'm with her. Haven't tested this arrangement longterm....

But there is the drawback that a girl would really have to trust you not to just fall in love with another girl--and I don't think most guys have enough emotional control to make this kind of setup work.

I appreciate your sense of being present in the moment and when you are with her, you are 100% with her. Being with someone who is truly present brings connection and the fun shared to a whole different level.

As for your set-up, what comes to mind is my my projection that your life, as you live it now, has more free flow with your expectations and logistics of when you interact together. My projection is that you are not sharing a home and waking up together every day and so there is a different fluidity to which girl you see when, perhaps.

Your point about people not having the emotional control to not fall in love is a good one. My mind had not even gone there.

Thank you fastlife for answering my call for help and for sharing what is true for you! I am glad you do what works to make you happy. I am glad to read on the boards, of your continued evolution and adventures in Being. Congratulations on playing all in.

I have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship at this point in my life, and I'm happy with that.

I love that this works for you and that you are truly happy with it! Reading that helped me a lot zekko!

I've said this before, and I'll say it again.... I think men should legally be allowed to have multiple wives. There are many great reasons for this. Here are a few:

1) It fulfils the man's desire for variety
2) If fulfils the man's desire for consistency
3) It fulfils the woman's desire for security
4) It fulfils the woman's need for a strong support system

There's a reason why men in the Bible had multiple wives... Because it worked.

Maybe someday you and your ltr girlfriend might have another young woman join you in your ltr? I see ads for couples openly seeking a younger ltr live-in girlfriend, as a ltr "family choice", beyond just sex. It does have it's advantages.

I can see that set-up working, if all involved truly connect, and are comfortable and open with each other. It would take a dominant/masculine man like yourself and one who can skillfully balance his attention and affections with each, with great care. It's not a match for all, but it could certainly be a nurturing situation for the right triad.

I think you have what it takes to pull it off, if you wanted to someday, Desdinova. I wish you and your gf happiness in every way. I greatly appreciate your sharing your perspective Desdinova! Thank you.

 

[LiveYourDream]

At this point in my life I'm well aware that either partner can walk at any time, but I'd rather acknowledge that and be in a relationship where both are aware of this, yet

choose to stay together rather than feeling they trapped by the other.

Me too!!

I know monogamy gets torn to shreds on these forums, but I'm one of the few fortunate people that has parents that are still together, and clearly love each other. So it's difficult for me to read about people in all these horrendous relationships/divorces, and yet clearly see right in front of me (with my parents) that it can work.

So yea, I haven't given up on monogamy myself.. but I'm not willing to compromise on the person I go into that partnership with.

I'm also well aware that everyone is different. I used to think as men we were supposed to want to be with multiple women, but I've tried that and it doesn't work for me. But I can't be what I'm not, so c'est la vie..

Thanks for sharing this SteR! Wishing you a wonderful partner, to fulfill your ltr dreams.

Your goals, values and dreams, your direction in life, have to be very similar...

What keeps both parties respectful, caring and giving effort is the abliity for the other party to walk away, unfettered, at any time, with no financial implications.

You rock Mauser! I completely agree, Thank you for all you shared!

Monogamy is really not a striaghtforward subject. And if I'm honest, I'd have some sort of open monogamy where I can have women on the side, whilst she keeps fidelity.

That may seem unfair, but men and women aren't the same. And I don't view them with the same standards. A man doing that is a success, whilst a woman doing that is a mess.

I think your perspective represents the voice of many men Deesade! Thank you for your honest sharing.

I got very close to what you are describing with my exwife as far as love, respect, great fun, attraction, and good sechs. We had all of the key elements for many years. I’ve only found one since her that has come close. I think its rare to get all of that in one package. My parents have a successful relationship and have accomplished a lot together over the years. However most people in this world are not capable. They simply don’t have the skills and discipline. I see it all the time with the behaviors of some here on SS.

I hear you. Life just keeps getting better and better in my experience!

My ideal relationship would be a 5yr contract. The terms and conditions would be laid out and agreed upon much like any business contract is done today. The combined and individual assets are defined in the contract. If one of the parties is not compliant by definition, the contract is terminated and penalties assessed. At the end of the 5yr contract, you can choose to renew as is, modify, or end the contract. My biggest fear is getting divorced again and having to split assets. I want the ability to end the relationship with what is mine. I’m not going to have an exwife benefit from my hard work, smart decisions, and discipline throughout my life that produced my wealth.

The renewable 5yr contract is a new one to me. I am all for protecting your assets. I'd rather someone be all in, by choice--every moment, than because they were under contract for another day, month, year. That's me.

And yes it would be monogamous. I don’t believe any healthy-minded woman could be happy knowing her man was off fuhking his mistress while she sits at home. I have no desire to fuhk some other girl on the side either. I don’t have the time nor am I willing to deal with additional female drama. Fuhking multiple people at the same time waters down the quality of all of the relationships. Its like multi-tasking….its full of comprises.

I needed to hear that Howie! Thank you for laying it out there!

I need is a HB9 that takes care of her body and mind, treats me with respect, and lets her inner freak out. If she can do that I will stay faithful, take good care of her, work hard at having a solid relationship………and we’ll sign a lot of those 5yr contracts.

With all my heart, I hope you do!!!

Only a woman who is low quality, has low self esteem, or is able to bang other dudes would be even remotely happy in this set up.

That's what it feels like to me too! Thanks for nailing it Bradd!

Alright my turn. I am not going to go with my dream relationship cause I am an extremist so it'd be quite fcked up and would obviously never work since it'd be pure utopia. Instead, I'll go with my current relationship(s) which took me over a decade to figure out what was good for ME, therefore her too, which, so far, is working very well!

1. If you could set up your ideal on-going relationship or ltr, in ANY way you wanted, what would you design for the two of you?
Live-in OLTR. We're both sexually free to do as we please with minimal rules. The reasoning behind that is that I personally can't be satisfied by just one women. I simply NEED sexual variety and it has nothing to do with how good my main girl is or isn't...

I love that you and your gf have figured out what works for the two of you and are making it work, regardless of anyone else's opinion. I think that is fantastic. I applaud you FwoGiZ!

My ideal situation would be to have a harem of very attractive women that are faithful to me, like Hef.

You and a lot of other men too! Thanks for sharing MatureDJ!

This is an interesting question. I do feel as if there is always going to be some amount of desire for men to want more than one woman. However, I think with good and varied sex, most men are not going to stray. Men are pretty simple for the most part. A devoted woman, who lets the man lead, who takes care of him, is a great companion and gives him great sex. Give a man that and most will go to the gates of h*ll for you.

This speaks to my heart highSpeed! Thank you!

 

[LiveYourDream]

For me, I honestly don't find monogamy unnatural. In fact, I find it quite the opposite.

Thank you for saying it so clearly!

...my desire to look at other women and find them attractive is still there. That's why my compromise would be to have multiple wives. The problem with that is it's not socially acceptable (or legal) except for certain places in the world, and is usually accompanied by religions I have no desire to be part of. Therefore, I need to evaluate the value of my partner and figure out it she's worth abandoning my desire for variety or not. Dealing with multiple women, especially the ones in today's society can be a royal pain in the ass. Not only that, I also have the desire to protect the woman (or women) I've invested my time in. In other words, I can fvck multiple women, but they should not be allowed to fvck multiple men. This is why I would prefer an arrangement of having multiple wives. I would theoretically own them all AND satisfy my desire for variety.

As I shared above, it seems to becoming more common for couples to take on a gf, maybe someday, if you and your gf are inclined, you might just live the life.

I don't feel restricted at all. My GF is respectful of my need for time away from her and activities that she has no interest in. When it comes to sex, I also don't feel restricted. I'll happily boink her in the sack, blow my load, and be satisfied. Variety isn't something I focus on. Variety is just part of my natural desire. If I made variety my focus, I could easily have it. It does not occupy every moment of my day. The only time it enters my mind is when I see or meet an attractive woman, but it doesn't enter my mind as "I'd like to add her to my collection". No, it enters my mind suddenly as in "Man, I would love to fvck the 5hit out of that!"

I so appreciate the clarity you offer Desdinova! Thank you!

Variety isn't something that I dwell on. Variety is something spontaneous and without thought of consequence, at least in the initial moment. Would I cheat on my GF? Possibly, but it would need to be in a location where I wouldn't have to deal with consequence. If I'm on a business trip, I would possibly take advantage of it. It would be no strings attached. My GF fulfils me enough to the point where I wouldn't feel the need to abandon her for some piece of ass who temporarily walk across my path. It would be purely for fun and would end when I was done my business trip.

Thank you for explaining this to me Desdinova!

Correct. I don't feel an emotional connection during sex. I feel the emotional connection when we're out having fun doing an activity. However, unlike most men, I realise that women do feel an emotional connection and I enjoy taking advantage of that fact. I'll do things to increase that feeling of emotional connection for her. I enjoy using sex as part of the seduction. The reason for that is I enjoy the thought that she's not going to be able to find equivalent sexual satisfaction from other men if she should leave. I enjoy the thought of getting revenge through her subconscious. But that's just me. I don't think a lot of other men think about that aspect of it and would just prefer the satisfaction of blowing their load.

It's weird for me to think of sex as completely emotionless. I appreciate that we all experience things differently. No judgement just appreciation for out individualities! I am grateful Desdinova for all the ways you've helped me understand more!

This is what I'm going to suggest to you... You need to make yourself valuable enough so that a man won't WANT to fvck up a monogamous relationship with you. The value of a good woman can be higher than a romp in the sack with an attractive woman who has a 5hitty personality. Improve yourself. Make yourself the woman that men desire. If you're significantly overweight, lose it. Avoid getting tattoos. Wear things that make you look feminine and sexy. Avoid having short hair. Avoid having grey hair. Cook for him, clean for him, rub his back, and give him some free time.

I hear this loud and clear! I thank you Desdinova! I have been and will continue to improve myself. When the time is right, I want to be an amazing woman, for an amazing man, in relationship that delights us both. I am working to be an even better and more feminine woman, every single day. I appreciate your support and direction, and that of the others here as well, to help me do that. Thank you!

However, make sure you don't put yourself in a situation where he demands that you be his slave. You should NOT be a good woman to the wrong man.

Thank you for saying that. My heart is a loving, giving and caring one. I want to share it with a man who genuinely appreciates it. Thank you.

The thing about me is that I'm at a point in my life where I could care less if I'm committed to a woman or not. I thrive well on my own. However, I'm currently in a situation where the woman I'm with is fully committed and invested in me. She cares for me, and I find that valuable especially for my age. I'll be turning 40 in less than a year and I realise that my health isn't always going to be 100%. Having someone around to help out when I'm having difficulties in health has become somewhat of a desired luxury. She does all kinds of stuff for me when I have aching muscles or a cold. A woman should take care of her warrior and help him back to health.

I am not sure who said it, and what was said exactly, but it was the idea that when a man comes home, to greet him and care for him, be tender with him, as out in the world he is a warrior and to have home be the place that is safe, relaxed, comfortable, nurturing, and loving. That as a woman you meet him with softness, caring and love, that he may be rejuvenated in his body and his spirit, to continue upon his mission with health, clarity and passion. I could go on and on. As for his tired body, I love to nurture my man's body, with good food, and hands on massage, for where ever attention is needed. I hear you and I am all for being there for my man in the good times and especially when extra support is appreciated/needed.

The most unattractive thing I've ever encountered was a woman who would NOT help her warrior back to health. I was dating this woman who grew up without her dad. I was having a bit of a rough day, and she point blank said "I don't need no man dumping his problem on me!" I was dumbfounded by this statement, and she quickly found herself single again.

That would shock me too. Good for you for moving on quick. You deserve better! I am glad your new GF treats you so well!

A man is there to protect his woman and his property. He cannot efficiently do it if he's injured or feeling unwell. It should be her job to help speed up his recovery so she can remain protected.

I give my all and big gratitude for all the ways men look after, protect and take care us women! I have huge appreciation!

Thank you Desdinova...for all you shared here, for helping me understand more, for looking out to make sure I partner up with a truly good and truly appreciative man! Thank you!!!

 

[fastlife]

Thank you for sharing and for your honesty Fruitbat! Both of these answers made me smile.

I appreciate your sense of being present in the moment and when you are with her, you are 100% with her. Being with someone who is truly present brings connection and the fun shared to a whole different level.

As for your set-up, what comes to mind is my my projection that your life, as you live it now, has more free flow with your expectations and logistics of when you interact together. My projection is that you are not sharing a home and waking up together every day and so there is a different fluidity to which girl you see when, perhaps.

Your point about people not having the emotional control to not fall in love is a good one. My mind had not even gone there.

Thank you fastlife for answering my call for help and for sharing what is true for you! I am glad you do what works to make you happy. I am glad to read on the boards, of your continued evolution and adventures in Being. Congratulations on playing all in.

You'd be right. Definitely no cohabitation--and I set those frames from the get-go with the second of those relationships; with the first, I kind've stumbled into it when she told me she knew I had to see other girl. But these days I'm pretty good at managing those expectations and pacing the girl's emotional investment--so that they have time and enough emotional distance to see that, Hey, that wasn't so bad--he's still the same guy he was when he met me, he still looks at me the same way, he's never been all that attentive via text, but he still makes time to see me. (Whereas if I tried to present myself as the super-devoted good guy and then cheated on them after 2 years because 'I need sexual variety,' those same girls would despise me.)

I can feel my heart as I write about it. Why is he having sex with some other woman, especially if sex together, with he and I, is as good as I perceive and understand it be from him?

I told you my mind went on the spin cycle. Where did it land?

When I really considered what it would be to have a man I am partnered with, who I love with all my heart, whom I enjoy great sex with, to feel the need to sleep with other women on the side...

I asked myself if it would diminish the love I felt for him. The answer is no. I love him. I may not prefer the things he does but that doesn't mean I love him less.

But...what I felt was this ache in my heart. When I considered again, if it would affect the love I felt for him, what came forward was that the love would not change but that each time it would be like a crack in my heart. It would hurt. I would still love him. I'd be loving him with a cracked and hurting heart moving forward.

Knowing myself, open communication and understanding is foundation and essential in relationships for me. If there was a topic, that was off limits, that would be a huge crack in our foundation as a couple, for me.

Then that heart pain, cracking of my heart, every time I was aware he was with someone else, it was clear that would affect ALL my interactions with him going forward. As much as I may try to love him and be with him just the same, it would be there while I was making him lunch or making love or whatever. Maybe sometimes it would be less noticeable than others. I am not one to carry resentments, get bitter or punish. I like to clear the air when there are issues and move forward together again. That heart crack, or multiples, I feel each one, would put emotional distance between me and this man who I love and adore. That would hurt too. I don't see a way around it, for me. I love with all my heart. I just don't do deception. I do truth and openness and connection and joy. Those heart cracks, even if silent, would pervade it all (or so it appears right now.)

Which brings me to this. This is you projecting how a situation would feel--which is the basis of all fear. Just like with guys and the fear of being cheated on, the imagined social repercussions & pain the ego tries to protect itself from are so much worse than the actual reality. Don't get me wrong; being cheated on sucks (especially for Blue Pill guys) and I don't think guys are ever the same afterwards. But really someone who used to like having sex with you had sex with someone else. Not much changed.

As I mentioned earlier, if a guy knows how to manage the situation, I don't think it has to be painful at all--being honest with myself, I've had numerous ONS's, flings, open relationships, plates, etc. and it's been a solid year since I really hurt a girl's feelings. I try to live very honestly & in abundance.

That said, I don't think many guys would have the tools to even think of pulling that off and, in your age group, probably very, very few guys even have that desire. But the guy you like might. Not saying to compromise on your frame; but you might have to be willing to let some good ones go. Also to note--A large percentage of monogamously-minded men would be disgusted if they found out you willingly committed to a guy who was openly sleeping with other women--so if living honestly is a priority, that's something to take into consideration. If you're a great partner, there's nothing inherently wrong with monogamy. It can work without being restrictive, I think.

 

[Desdinova]

Maybe someday you and your ltr girlfriend might have another young woman join you in your ltr?

That will never happen, at least not with her. She's 100% not interested in sharing me with anybody.

The women today who are interested in multiple partners are usually fvcked up in the head and slvtty as hell. I cannot see it working in today's social environment with the exception of specific locations where it is permitted by religion. The women who are in those religions are NOT slvtty and would be completely submissive, but again I don't have the desire to join a religion so I can have multiple wives.

I'll stick to having one woman who's 100% into me and has no desire to share me. It's a compromise that I'm satisfied with. I honestly couldn't see myself dealing with multiple slvtty women nor abiding to the rules that come with religion.

 

[zekko]

As a woman, I was asking for help to understand men more clearly

This is a bit of a rant, but some of it might relate to your issue.

A lot of guys come here being okay with the idea of monogamy, but they have been hurt and disappointed by their "Disney princess". So they come to this forum, which is heavily influenced by the pickup community, and discover this new philosophy, and they buy it hook, line, and sinker. They exchange one false set of ideas for another.

They might believe that monogamy is unnatural (or for losers), that they should always have a harem, that there is no such thing as love, and that women will only be attracted to men who display dark triad traits - men who are narcissists, sociopaths, and manipulators. They might believe that if a woman over 30 marries a guy, then that guy is a beta, she's not really attracted to him, and will fvck around on him behind his back.

Daniel Rose wrote a book called The Sex God Method. He is a guy who believes he should have a relationship, but should be allowed to have sex with other women as well. But I don't see any affection in his book, everything revolves around him gratifying his sexual desires. Is this really the example of the ultimate man (oh, excuse me, "sex god")? Tyler (Owen) from RSD tried to have his cake and eat it too - he had a girlfriend who had children with him, but he still insisted he should be able to pick up random women and have sex with them. Needless to say, that relationship did not last.

Some guys are simply not the type to commit, and that's fine. Most of the posters here are younger men also, and of course they are going to skew toward random hookups, especially given the state society is in currently. But at age 45, OP, I'm pretty sure you would be able to find some men out there who are willing to give monogamy a chance. Guys here might dismiss such men as Blue Pill or Purple Pill, but that's just the brainwashing talking.

 

[wifehunter]

I was going to read this thread, but I dont have a week!

But I will say...

I'm looking for a fun, helpful, real christian girl, not one of the those fake, wacko, religious types. A woman who is young as possible. Someone who hasn't had much sexual expirience, and minimal baggage, because I pack light!

Monogamy works for me, because it's simple, and elegant things are simple. Polygamy seems too complicated and requiring alot of work. Although, the idea sounds fun!

 

[BeTheChange]

She's is completely loyal, loving and devoted. I love her but can fvck other women on the side without getting attached emotionally. She would be unaware of this (again due to the self respect issues other posters have mentioned).

This is pretty much the situation I had with my ex mid way through our relationship. Never felt an ounce of guilt as I honestly believe this is the most natural type of relationship. Ironically because of her love, devotion, sexual availability and my own strong feelings for her I had very little desire or motivation to fvck other women.

 

[ZTIME]

Been a hot minute since I've made my way to SS. Sometimes it's best to leave the path of pre programmed doom, and experience your surroundings with no pre conceived notion.

However, I will always come back to see how the people who helped me when needed are doing.

LYD, I've missed some of these long threads.

I'm the wrong person to answer all of the questions posted. My thoughts on relationships may differ from many of the posters here. For me there is no red or blue pill. There are no stereotypical people, and surprises are still found around every bend.

So many of us try to fit a "relatiinship" into a cookie cutter mold. We believe that what we put out has an expected return on investment. Sadly a return the other party was never willing to pay.

We look at sex as a form of payment. (She loves me because we had sex!) we look at actions, responses, arrival times, and clothing all as indicators of how well things are. And as we're looking for all of these things we're forgetting to enjoy the human interaction

The questions that should be answered for both male and female are truly:

What makes you happy?

Does this partnership align with your needs?

Are you ok walking away?

We're not meant to construct relationships, creating a set of rules that we can all abide by. We're meant to live life and enjoy the people we choose to be with. If monogamy is an issue then don't sleep with someone who chooses a different lifestyle.

If you constantly find yourself bending over backwards to make someone happy, you're inevitably unhappy and risking a sore back.

If you need something so much that you can't walk away....you're addicted and doing more harm to yourself than good.

You will never be happy on the inside when you primary focus sits outside of you.

I was sitting by a lake 2 hours ago. I found myself in an argument over the phone. I literally saw a red cardinal in a tree that stood out amazingly surrounded by green. I immediately hung up the phone. That's how I found my way back here on SS.

Never mistake a relationship as a need. You'll be fooling yourself.