Messed up. Need some advice about whether to pursue ex

[AlmostThere]

I'll try to make a long story short. Me and the girl were together for about 3 years. About a year ago, we moved away together into an apartment in a different town. We ended up living there together for about 6 months.

Things were ok at first, but then they started going sour. She became extremely possessive/jealous and it turned me off. Basically I just stopped talking to her and avoided her and stayed in my room the whole time.

I told her she had to move out because I couldn't take it anymore. We never officially broke up, but I found out that a few weeks before she was to move out, she started dating other guys etc. I didn't care a whole lot because I just wanted her out.

Shortly after she moved back home, I also moved back out of boredom and to take a new job.

Before she left she told me she had "lost feelings" for me. But again I didn't care because I didn't even talk to her or want her around.

When I first got back home a few weeks ago, I sent her some semi-chumpish emails. Nothing too bad, just asking her if this is what she really wanted etc. She said she wanted to be left alone for now. So I said OK.

A few days ago I sent her another quick email just asking how it's going and telling her about some good stuff going on in my life. I ended the email (would have called but we both changed #'s due to the move) by suggesting we go out for a coffee to catch up some time.

Still haven't heard anything back.

I've always been fairly good with women, and I've never been in the position where I've been the one trying to get a relationship back after a breakup. I've always been the one to end things and break the girls heart.

This time it's different. I effectively broke up with her at the apartment, but then had a change of heart recently and want her back, but I'm not getting anywhere. It's a serious blow to the ego and I don't know how to handle it since I've never been in this position before. When I had her I didn't want her, but now that I can't have her it's driving me nuts. My confidence is running pretty low right now and it doesn't help that most of my friends are busy with their gf's so I can't even go out that much.

Just looking for some advice on whether I should keep pursuing the ex, and if so how to win her back. Or if I should just write it off.

 

[darkstarrr]

I'll try to make a long story short. Me and the girl were together for about 3 years. About a year ago, we moved away together into an apartment in a different town. We ended up living there together for about 6 months.

Things were ok at first, but then they started going sour. She became extremely possessive/jealous and it turned me off. Basically I just stopped talking to her and avoided her and stayed in my room the whole time.

If you were that serious about her to move in with her you should've been able to tell her in a loving, trustworthy way, and with a warm smile and hug - to not worry, there's no reason to be upset - and that you love her. Did you do that? Did you give her reason to be extremely possessive/jealous?

I told her she had to move out because I couldn't take it anymore. We never officially broke up, but I found out that a few weeks before she was to move out, she started dating other guys etc. I didn't care a whole lot because I just wanted her out.

Shortly after she moved back home, I also moved back out of boredom and to take a new job.

Before she left she told me she had "lost feelings" for me. But again I didn't care because I didn't even talk to her or want her around.

When I first got back home a few weeks ago, I sent her some semi-chumpish emails. Nothing too bad, just asking her if this is what she really wanted etc. She said she wanted to be left alone for now. So I said OK.

A few days ago I sent her another quick email just asking how it's going and telling her about some good stuff going on in my life. I ended the email (would have called but we both changed #'s due to the move) by suggesting we go out for a coffee to catch up some time.

Still haven't heard anything back.

Its beginning to sound like the ole 'want what you can't have' sydrome is kicking in. My exes tended to do this after about 6 months to 2 years where it settles in their minds that I've moved on and then my phone starts ringing again. You made a decision as a man that you had enough of her and you gave her the boot. Don't let your mind play tricks on you and fool you into putting a silver lining on how things used to be. Have you asked yourself what it is now, that you've come full circle with this? Have you changed so that you'd be able to put up with her BS? Do you for some reason believe she has changed? What makes you think it would work this time around? History has shown that when people get back together, the tendency is that the same types of things that drove them apart in the first places drives them apart again.

I've always been fairly good with women, and I've never been in the position where I've been the one trying to get a relationship back after a breakup. I've always been the one to end things and break the girls heart.

This time it's different. I effectively broke up with her at the apartment, but then had a change of heart recently and want her back, but I'm not getting anywhere. It's a serious blow to the ego and I don't know how to handle it since I've never been in this position before. When I had her I didn't want her, but now that I can't have her it's driving me nuts. My confidence is running pretty low right now and it doesn't help that most of my friends are busy with their gf's so I can't even go out that much.

Just calm down and understand your mind is playing tricks on you. Your inability to be with this particular woman is not whats bothering you. Its the feeling and fright of rejection itself. Thats perfectly normal. You have a history with her so its also to be expected that any rejection that does take place is going to feel exacerbated. My advice is to forget about this woman for a while and focus on correcting the altered state of damage you've done to your own ego. I know its not easy when its gotten to this point, but try to snap out of it and date other women to help regain perspective. If you insist on trying to open the lines of communication again in 2 months (assuming she hasnt emailed back by then) then go for it. However, I'd recommend you chat about it here before you send another email.

Just looking for some advice on whether I should keep pursuing the ex, and if so how to win her back. Or if I should just write it off.

Good luck!

DS

 

[AlmostThere]

If you were that serious about her to move in with her you should've been able to tell her in a loving, trustworthy way, and with a warm smile and hug - to not worry, there's no reason to be upset - and that you love her. Did you do that? Did you give her reason to be extremely possessive/jealous?

It was nothing I had done that made her that way. She even admitted herself that she had a problem with trust. It made for lots of fights over the course of the relationship


Its beginning to sound like the ole 'want what you can't have' sydrome is kicking in. My exes tended to do this after about 6 months to 2 years where it settles in their minds that I've moved on and then my phone starts ringing again. You made a decision as a man that you had enough of her and you gave her the boot. Don't let your mind play tricks on you and fool you into putting a silver lining on how things used to be. Have you asked yourself what it is now, that you've come full circle with this? Have you changed so that you'd be able to put up with her BS? Do you for some reason believe she has changed? What makes you think it would work this time around? History has shown that when people get back together, the tendency is that the same types of things that drove them apart in the first places drives them apart again.

No, you're 100% right. I know that things probably wouldn't work out a second time if she didn't change, which she probably won't.



Just calm down and understand your mind is playing tricks on you. Your inability to be with this particular woman is not whats bothering you. Its the feeling and fright of rejection itself. Thats perfectly normal. You have a history with her so its also to be expected that any rejection that does take place is going to feel exacerbated. My advice is to forget about this woman for a while and focus on correcting the altered state of damage you've done to your own ego. I know its not easy when its gotten to this point, but try to snap out of it and date other women to help regain perspective. If you insist on trying to open the lines of communication again in 2 months (assuming she hasnt emailed back by then) then go for it. However, I'd recommend you chat about it here before you send another email.


Yeah I believe that's spot on. I think it's all just a game to me and I hate to lose/feel rejected. I'm not used to being in this situation and it stresses me out. Of course I still care for her, but I think the main thing is that this has kind of taken on a life of its own in my mind and is now some kind of ego thing.

I also think a lot of it has to do with boredom/loneliness. It's easier to deal with these kinds of things when you're surrounded by friends, or constantly have things to do. It's those times when I'm sitting at home for an entire weekend that I begin to feel depressed/antsy like I need her back.

 

[Demodulate]

You guys split up for a reason..

just leave it be and move on..

 

[AlmostThere]

You guys split up for a reason..

just leave it be and move on..

Yeah I want to, but at the same time I want her back. The thing is, right now I'm going through some big career changes and any time there's changes, there is stress. It would be nice to have her there especially during this time.

Another factor is the fact that I'm approaching 30. I almost feel like maybe I should be settling down soon. Plus with the new job, I don't know if I'll even have time to find another woman. Then again I may just have a skewed perspective right now, which is why I'm here to try to get unbiased opinions as my mind is really foggy right now.

 

[Demodulate]

Yeah I want to, but at the same time I want her back. The thing is, right now I'm going through some big career changes and any time there's changes, there is stress. It would be nice to have her there especially during this time.

Another factor is the fact that I'm approaching 30. I almost feel like maybe I should be settling down soon. Plus with the new job, I don't know if I'll even have time to find another woman. Then again I may just have a skewed perspective right now, which is why I'm here to try to get unbiased opinions as my mind is really foggy right now.

So let me get this straight.. you want to get back with your boring ex because your going through a stressful time and it will be nice to have someone, your turning 30, and because your to busy to date other people..

sounds like a bunch of wrong reasons to me...

 

[AlmostThere]

So let me get this straight.. you want to get back with your boring ex because your going through a stressful time and it will be nice to have someone, your turning 30, and because your to busy to date other people..

sounds like a bunch of wrong reasons to me...

Well I also have feelings for her, but I agree it does sound bad lol.

This is one of the most common fears expressed in the MM section.

While there is nothing wrong with wanting to "settle down" with the right woman eventually, you are making a big mistake to assume that the one you just broke up with (for sound reasons) is that woman. You're essentially rationalizing this to yourself out of a fear of loneliness and a sense of some kind of major turning point in your life (turning 30).

Think about it this way instead: You're turning 30, and about to embark on major changes, career wise and perhaps - hopefully - in other areas of your life. It's best that you closed the book on your ex because you need to focus on you right now and enjoy all that life will have to offer you (including new women) as you enter your 30s. Your ex would be nothing more than a distraction right now, and a reminder of how things were when you need to live in the here and now. I'm sure you two had some great times together, so just leave it at that. An old proverb says that a man cannot stand in the same river twice.

Yeah I know. Before, in my early 20's, I didn't care when relationships went sour, because I always thought "I'm still young, I'll find another one"

Something about turning 30 soon though makes me think "Oh my god, I am running out of time to find something!" I'm not sure if that irrational or not. I mean, of course I could still find other women, but then again, I AM turning 30, and there's no denying that that will put some women off.

Maybe some of the older guys could chime in on this.

 

[AlmostThere]

Also, I sent that email to her a few days ago. Still no response. Wondering if I should send her another one or just let it go. If I should send her another one, what should be the tone of the message?

 

[jophil28]

Something about turning 30 soon though makes me think "Oh my god, I am running out of time to find something!" I'm not sure if that irrational or not. I mean, of course I could still find other women, but then again, I AM turning 30, and there's no denying that that will put some women off.

That is hilarious...especially the part about how turning 30 will put some women off. Where do you guys get hold of this nonsense ? Re-runs of Friends ?
Let me tell you from experience that what SamSpade said is money.
MY most successful time with women was from about 28 to 38 years of age. I rampaged, slashed and burned. I never chased women- never had to - they fell in behind me .
I was building my career and regarded dating women as weekend recreation. I did not know it at the time,or even think about it, but career building and indifference are both magnetically attractive to women.

A guy in that age range has it all available to him, but most just waste that window of opportunity. They marry a shrew in desperation, work like a dog to support her whims , father a couple kids who despise him because he lives a life of self imposed slavery to "make the little woman happy " and eventually he gets divorced by her for all his trouble because she wants "to find herself', or some other Oprah/Cosmo BS.

So he spends the next couple of years in a rented apartment, all alone, wondering what the F happened to his life.

To the OP - you need to work hard to rid yourself of this false belief that your age is a liability- If you do not, and continue to feel that your best years are slipping away behind you, it is almost guaranteed that you will end up like one of the guys I wrote about above.
You will marry in haste and desperation and live a life of servitude to some harpie who changed into Satan's daughter after the honeymoon.. Too much wedding cake can do that to women..

 

[darkstarrr]

Also, I sent that email to her a few days ago. Still no response. Wondering if I should send her another one or just let it go. If I should send her another one, what should be the tone of the message?

sending another email or initiating any form of contact might appease you for literally 30 seconds but then you'll realize you've done more damage to the situation. at that point the issue you've been having with your ego will be compounded. don't do it.

 

[AlmostThere]

Ok guys, I'll stop worrying about my age. You've brought up some good points.


But as for getting back with the ex, I've been doing some thinking. There's really two components that affect whether or not couples get back together: 1) How she feels, and 2) How I act

I can't control #1, so all I can do is control how I act. I've read conflicting opinions on what to do, but the majority of opinions here seem to be "No contact"

So since the only thing I can control is how I act, and the best thing for me to do is not contact her anymore.......then the best way to get a girl back is to do nothing?

It seems slightly counter intuitive, but then again most things are in the dating world. I want to call her and tell her how much I love her and how much I want her back. I want to go over there with flowers etc.....but I guess I've been lied to by all the movies I've seen while growing up, because that probably won't work.

I'm reminded of a gf a few years ago that I broke up with. I wouldn't answer her calls or anything. She ended up going slightly bonkers. Calling me up all the time and leaving voicemails of her singing love songs and stuff trying to get me back. I still ignored her afterwards. It was only after we hadn't talked for a few months and she finally stopped trying to contact me that I missed her and tried to contact her, but she had changed her number.


Fuk lol, I guess I kinda had the answer all along from that past experience. I guess it works both ways for male and female.

But forcing yourself to do nothing is really the hardest thing to do, but I guess it must be done if there is any chance of salvaging something.

I got a private call on the house phone today where the person didn't say anything. I was thinking it might be her. Just even thinking that eased my mental state. Like I was happy that there was a chance that she might be thinking about me lol. Pathetic I know but a depressed/desperate mind can find comfort in the smallest things.

 

[Mr.Positive]

To the OP - you need to work hard to rid yourself of this false belief that your age is a liability- If you do not, and continue to feel that your best years are slipping away behind you, it is almost guaranteed that you will end up like one of the guys I wrote about above.
You will marry in haste and desperation and live a life of servitude to some harpie who changed into Satan's daughter after the honeymoon.. Too much wedding cake can do that to women..

Almost there...you lived with this woman for 6 months. You know her. You also know, that you are not compatible with her.

Listen to jophil28, the wise one... His advise is sound, bang on the mark.

I had your concerns when I was your age, but life just keeps getting better and better, with women, and just with life.

Women come and go, but as your life experience evolves, you'll see that your freedom of choices just increases, as a man.

Oh..and don't send any more messages to your ex.

 

[amoka]

Sh!ts like this happened to me and my ex. "You never missed your water until your well runs dry"... I don't know about you but leaving her alone was the best decision in my case. One thing your should remember is that you let go of her because of something. And that something will alway exists or maybe irritate you more... so

 

[Bluntmaster]

Every time I start missing my ex, I get determined to go meet a new girl and I just do it. I'll just start talking to every cute girl I see. Then when I find one who is interested, I COMPLETELY forget why I missed the ex.

All you have to do is meet a new chic. It's so damn simple.

 

[Desdinova]

then the best way to get a girl back is to do nothing?

I don't understand why you would want to get back with a girl who drove you fvcking crazy. You only have 'feelings' for her because you want what you can't have, and you'd prefer to stay in your comfort zone rather than venture out and find something new.

Women don't change after a breakup. She's going to do the same 5hit that drove you crazy regardless of the circumstances of the breakup.

It's also quite evident that she doesn't want you around anymore. Everytime you send her an email, she hits the delete key. If she's got her new boyfriend around, they'll sit there and laugh at your email before it goes into the trash.

You're wasting your time and energy on this. You would be better off to spend your time and energy on pursuing other women who would be more than happy to spend time with a great guy.

 

[jophil28]

You think this dude is spending any time agonizing about getting back with his ex ?

www.skynews.com.au/offbeat/article.aspx?id=463375

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

HAHAHAHA "The randy old thing" Man Australia is crazy, I got to check it out lest I be dubbed a shiela.

But seriously, do you think that kangaroo gives a sh!t about his ex? Hell no he jumps around making his intentions clear and punching men in the face.

 

[AlmostThere]

My depression just seems to be getting worse by the day. I still haven't got an email back from her. I actually cried today after work. I haven't cried over a girl in probably about 10 or 12 years.

I think she may have blocked my email address or something. I know she's blocked me on msn and facebook, I also don't know her new phone #.

Of course maybe she got the email and just didn't respond.

I've been thinking about going to her place with a letter and slipping it under the door or something so at least I know she'll get it.

I feel like I'm falling apart here.

 

[jophil28]

My depression just seems to be getting worse by the day. I still haven't got an email back from her. I actually cried today after work. I haven't cried over a girl in probably about 10 or 12 years.

I think she may have blocked my email address or something. I know she's blocked me on msn and facebook, I also don't know her new phone #.

Of course maybe she got the email and just didn't respond.

I've been thinking about going to her place with a letter and slipping it under the door or something so at least I know she'll get it.

I feel like I'm falling apart here.

Get a fukking grip.
You are pinning your hopes on a reply from a woman whom you rejected in the past (or so she sees it ) It is NEVER going to happen .

AS far as she is concerned you broke up with her after you and she 'played house '. To a woman that is almost as painful as a rejection gets.The only situation which is more devastating is abandoning her when she is pregnant.

In my experience, women never forgive a man's rejection ( the circumstances are irrelevant to her) YOU DUMPED HER..ergo YOU ARE ETERNALLY BAD..
I have never known or experienced a situation in which a guy and his ex reconciled and 'worked it out' successfully over the long term..
WOMEN HOLD GRUDGES and they will never let you get close enough to hurt them all over again..

Secondly- you are wanting her back to relieve some of your current 'feelings' of stress and discomfort. So ,even if she agreed to 'try again' it is likely that she would do so carrying the resentment she feels toward you .
Even if she did agree, it is likely that she will do so just to get you in a vulnerable position so that she can dump you. That is fair justice 'female style '.

Pursuing her like you are doing is a very bad idea. You started this pursuit recently to feel better, and now you probably feel even worse than when you started this.
Stop it now and get out and talk to some new women.

 

[AlmostThere]

Get a fukking grip.
You are pinning your hopes on a reply from a woman whom you rejected in the past (or so she sees it ) It is NEVER going to happen .

AS far as she is concerned you broke up with her after you and she 'played house '. To a woman that is almost as painful as a rejection gets.The only situation which is more devastating is abandoning her when she is pregnant.

In my experience, women never forgive a man's rejection ( the circumstances are irrelevant to her) YOU DUMPED HER..ergo YOU ARE ETERNALLY BAD..
I have never known or experienced a situation in which a guy and his ex reconciled and 'worked it out' successfully over the long term..
WOMEN HOLD GRUDGES and they will never let you get close enough to hurt them all over again..

Secondly- you are wanting her back to relieve some of your current 'feelings' of stress and discomfort. So ,even if she agreed to 'try again' it is likely that she would do so carrying the resentment she feels toward you .
Even if she did agree, it is likely that she will do so just to get you in a vulnerable position so that she cold dump you. That is justice 'female style '.

Pursuing her like you are doing is a very bad idea. You started this pursuit recently to feel better, and now you probably feel even worse than when you started this.
Stop it now and get out and talk to some new women.

You're right I do feel worse, much worse. I just have this feeling like if I just send her a letter all of the sudden she will crack and start talking to me again. I have this hope that she's just on the verge of maybe communicating with me.

I feel like a gambler chasing a loss. It's really a horrible feeling. My job will probably start requiring me to travel for weeks at a time pretty soon. I feel like I have to get her back before that because afterwords it will be too late.

I know this all sounds stupid and you guys are probably facepalming, but it's been a long time since I've gone through something like this and I forgot how much it hurts.