Mental state

[MacAvoy]

Just reading MikeYikes thread in AE about small talk and and thinking about the reasoning for my recent posting of failures got me self-reflecting. The reason for my posting of failures was because I realized that when I am successful with women, it seems to just happen, when in reality its because I'm on my game and it just comes naturally to me.

However it seems like whenever I TRY to score, I always strike out. After reading Mike's thread, I realized that the same is true of small talk. I remember times when I'm in a new crowd or place and I just don't know what to say to people so I sit and watch and only jump in occassionally when I find an opening. But then there are times when I am on my game and I can control the entire room.

So it got me to thinking, what is the difference, why I am Howard Stern one day and Bill Gates the next. On the days when I'm trying to score or be sociable, I try to psyche myself up but it just doesn't get results. However other times it just comes natural to me, I don't even think about it.

So I guess my question is, how can I change my mental state to just be natural instead of trying too hard?

 

[KontrollerX]

You have to train your mind to fight off anxiety.

That is all that this is.

People on all these types of sites and everywhere in life always say what you have said here Mac and that is "when they are not trying or thinking too much about something concerning a social situation they do better at it"

The lack of trying and thinking and just doing doesn't give your mind time to get you all worked up in an anxiety ridden state.

Lots of people turn to drugs like ecstasy or alcohol because "it relaxes them in social situations so they can be themselves" when really they don't need those harmful drugs at all.

What they really need is to learn relaxation techniques and if they have anxiety bad enough what they need is an anti anxiety drug given from a qualified professional who diagnoses them with anxiety.

So yeah to overcome this there are two steps...

Recognizing the problem ie anxiety.

Then solving the problem ie learning relaxation techniques or being prescribed anti anxiety drugs by a professional should the first effort fail.

 

[joekerr31]

this is the paradox of life.

the harder we try, the greater the likelihood of failure.

if you look at DJ'ing, at its core, its really just a social experiment for AFCs. they are told go out and behave like x, y or z. they go out, do it, and find they get a little better result than before.

they keep at it until eventually it just becomes habit / natural. THAT is when they really start to scoring.

human beings, whether we realize it or not, are human lie detectors. we can 'sense' when something is amiss / off. when you are trying it sends off little vibes that make the other person slightly weary of you (they show this by not jumping your bones).

but when you just go with the flow, when you are in the 'zone', you don't set off their spidey senses. they sense that the bill of goods they are being sold is authentic. at which point it really just comes down to whether they like your personality and find you physically attractive.

this is why C&F works so well - because when you can get someone else to laugh and play with you it lowers their natural defense mechanisms. they stop sizing you up and start simply enjoying themselves with you.

anyway, this doesn't just hold for picking up women. its the same thing in sports. you play your best when you are 'in the zone' - you aren't thinking, you're just in the moment.

you see the same thing happen with music, writing, etc.

the key to life is to find the zone. to find the flow and go with it.

the paradoxical side to it though is that the harder you work to find the zone, the further you get from it but at the same time the closer you get.

you get further from it for x amount of time, until something CLICKS, and then bam, you're in the zone. its a very strange phenomena.

 

[joekerr31]

Recognizing the problem ie anxiety.

anxiety is nothing more than a mind set that is outcome dependent. we get anxious when we are thinking about the outcome, worrying about it, and trying to control it.

this is why public speaking is so frightening to most people. because they imagine the possibility of them making a fool of themselves in front of everyone and being trapped on stage and unable to get out of the situation.

whereas people who are good at public speaking don't think about that. they see it the other way around, they tend to be people who like the spotlight and instead of seeing themselves trapped they think 'YES! these peopel are trapped and have to listen to me!"

this is also why *ssholes can often times do well with the women, because they exhibit little to no anxiety in social situations. (although you don't have to be an *sshole to not exhibit anxiety).

 

[reset]

this is the paradox of life.

the harder we try, the greater the likelihood of failure.

Good post. I was about to make a comment about paradox but you beat me to it!

When you don't care that much either way, they are all over you and it's fun, When you are trying, all of the sudden are "working" and it's a chore.

Sometimes I wonder if we prefer to make things more complicated than they really are. Like maybe we need to feel we have "earned" something. It's all ego.

 

[Mr. Me]

We all have times we're in the groove and not. All right, but, this does mean that we have it inside us all the time, this capability, otherwise it could never happen at all.

How to make it happen when you're not in the zone? Pre visualizing it may help as it guides you to "being there". See yourself being the guy who's being successful with women at whatever spot you're going to later. See and hear them laughing at your jokes, touching your arm as they want to get to know you, looking into your eyes as you resonate your sexuality to them, adoring you.

You know professional athletes pre visualize their performance before a game. In my work and other interests, I do the same before my gigs. This is different than just 'psyching yourself up', this is actually more like running a live rehearsal through your head.

Think about it. Performers and athletes aren't always in the best frame of mind or health to excel, but are under contract to perform at set times, no matter what state of mind they're in two seconds before the curtain goes up or game time. Anyone can be on their game when it comes naturally, it's being able to bring that performance out when you're not feeling it that's the mark of a pro. Pre visualizing it helps you get to where you're feeling it, where you're in the midst of already being there.

Create a trigger that gets you there. Something from your successful moments, a phrase perhaps, a particular quote, something that serves as a bridge to that place. Spring ahead from there.

There was a famous Russian concert pianist, the name escapes me, but because he was a dissident, he was imprisoned for years. He didn't have a piano to practice on all that time, so what he did was continually "practice" by envisioning himself playing the pieces and just letting his fingers play on an imaginary grand piano. Years later, when he was freed, he was able to play his repertoire perfectly, as if there was never any interruption.