Mature Poll: Best Post Contact Strategy

[Sinistar]

There are so many cases of a guy coming here after a woman has basically walked all over him only to swing to another branch before he/we even know it. Then sometime later she inevitably contacts said broken hearted dude for some reason (validations, relief from guilt, ego boosting, etc.) And in each of these instances we give advice, generally in agreement. One bit of this advice is to break off all contact. And this brings me to my question. If a guy has been walked over (much of it our own faults BTW) just what should break off all contact mean? I've listed some of the obvious options below and I'm curious which of these we should really be advising to AFC's and DJ's who've went through this experience.

1.) Absolute Zero Contact: This means no contact whatsoever. The guy never contacts her again. On top of that he goes out of his way to prevent her contacting him. That means rejecting her letters (unopened), screening her email automatically (so he never sees it) and blocking all of her known numbers from ringing thru.

2.) Zero Contact: In this case, the guy never contacts her either. He does however allow her mail, email and calls to make it through and he in-turn reads/listens to them. However he will never respond.

3.) Respond Only: In this case the guy never initiates contact. He does however respond to her in a purely indifferent manner.

Now a couple of examples of why it may not be so clear cut...

Let's say we were to generally agree "Absolute Zero Contact" is best. Now hold on a minute. There is a possible risk or downside here (albiet small). She could be saying/writing things which are potentially threatening or without our knowledge could bring harm of some type of unexpected circumstances.

Or lets say the general consensus is either "Absolute Zero Contact" or "Zero Contact". This in effect is telling said broken hearted dude you will never speak to or see this woman again. Eventually she will finally get it move on and in most every case she will not necessarily be very happy to see you if you should bump into each other unexpectedly

Perhaps a true DJ is so busy, confident and sure of himself that he should allow contact and his responses will be naturally indifferent.

And then again in the real sh!tty cases, there might be that gnawing little voice inside still seeking validation or closure and thus "Absolute Zero Contact" is not only the best course of action, it may actually require the strongest DJ skills of all to completely walk away and close every door to such a emotional investment.

So I'm curious, just what advice should we really be giving ourselves, buddies, fellow AFC and DJ friends, etc when it comes to these ex's when the relationship ending was unilaterally the woman's choice,

 

[grinder]

Dude, this is an excellent question. I'm very curious to see the results. It's the "unilateral" part where she breaks up with you that is confusing. I have never been dumped in nice clean way by any woman. One day you think you got the boot, but the next its a crying, suicidal, message on your answering machine by her swearing she loves you. WTF?

Guess it depends on the situation. If you gotta work with 'em or see 'em all the time the Absolute won't cut it. Zero is Ok if you won't go nuts listening to idiodic manipulative BS. Respond only can, paradoxically, increase their contact with you for all the reasons we already know.

Now I see why you asked the question. Good one.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Never root through the trash can once you've dragged it to the curb - you rarely find what you're looking for, you end up smelling and your neighbors see you doing it.

 

[Latinoman]

Absolutely Zero Contact unless she is the mother of your children or you were very stupid as to date a co-worker and have not choice but to iteract.

A man with some level of self respect (DJs do have self respect) would have absolutely zero contact with the type of woman you just described and the circunstances that you also described.

By the way, I'm answering the question by providing the "best" possible alternative.

 

[Vulpine]

Uh... in breakups, depending on the length of the relationship, sometimes there are "loose strings". For example, I had left some things at a GF's apartment. I figured they were lost. It was driving me bonkers because they were gifts of sentimental value from my family to me.

Months went by and I had forgot about them - they were gone forever. Upon moving out of the apartment, the ex found them and left a message on my voicemail. YIPPEE! They were found! So, I collected the things. A couple months after that, I realized that I left my bike in the basement of her old place (over the winter), and had to call her to make plans to retrieve it.

Absolute Zero is a bit extreme in some instances. But, for the most part, is the end of the scale that should be strived for. For ONS's and STR's, absolute zero; for LTR's, zero; divorces, zero or respond only, depending on importance.

 

[Latinoman]

Uh... in breakups, depending on the length of the relationship, sometimes there are "loose strings". For example, I had left some things at a GF's apartment. I figured they were lost. It was driving me bonkers because they were gifts of sentimental value from my family to me.

Months went by and I had forgot about them - they were gone forever. Upon moving out of the apartment, the ex found them and left a message on my voicemail. YIPPEE! They were found! So, I collected the things. A couple months after that, I realized that I left my bike in the basement of her old place (over the winter), and had to call her to make plans to retrieve it.

Completely different situation. You are just retrieving your goods. And you have no choice but to contact her. That's what an intelligent and adult man would do (like you and I). The tying of "loose ends" (i like that expression)

Absolute Zero is a bit extreme in some instances. But, for the most part, is the end of the scale that should be strived for. For ONS's and STR's, absolute zero; for LTR's, zero; divorces, zero or respond only, depending on importance.

I agree about the circunstances issue...but Remember...he described this woman as

1- Abusive
2- Dumping him

If she was nice and/or he was the one doing the dumping...then I see "zero" as acceptable option.

Absolutely zero for those ones you dump but that cannot move on either making your life miserable. LOL.

 

[Paradox]

There are so many cases of a guy coming here after a woman has basically walked all over him only to swing to another branch before he/we even know it.

If a guy has been walked over (much of it our own faults BTW) just what should break off all contact mean? I've listed some of the obvious options below and I'm curious which of these we should really be advising to AFC's and DJ's who've went through this experience.

I'm kinda wondering why this question was even posed much less be put in a poll...

If a woman walks over you then you walk away. There are over 3 billion women in the world.

Why the hell would you want to have any contact with a woman who uses you anyway.

I will probably close this thread since Rollo, Latinoman and myself have posted the definitive reply to this inquiry/poll.

 

[Sinistar]

I'm kinda wondering why this question was even posed much less be put in a poll...

Easy, because I had a hunch that it may not be as black & white as some make it out to be.

If a woman walks over you then you walk away. There are over 3 billion women in the world.

Agreed.

Why the hell would you want to have any contact with a woman who uses you anyway.

I DON'T. No healthy person would. However if a person actually agressively (Absolutely) shuts out contact (ie filters emails, rejects letters, hangs up, erases messages before listening, etc) information that might be important (ie threats of violence, damage, legal crap, etc) will go completely unnoticed. So then, is it always then the best advice to tell others on this forum "Abosolutely Zero Contact"?

I will probably close this thread since Rollo, Latinoman and myself have posted the definitive reply to this inquiry/poll.

Now either you didn't get your morning muffin or something about this thread has tweaked you in some way. Judging from the responses (at this time of this post), there might be more to this topic than even you had expected. And the poll results already tell me that roughly 50% of the readers do not think Absolute Zero Contact is the best solution. Some have given their reasons, others just voted.

Myself, I actually believe Absolute Zero Contact is the best "practical" choice. Depending on how addictive/enfactuated the relationship was, it is really the only way to move on and get clear. It's one thing to issue a goodbye (and I've f'ed up my share) and it's entirely different demon when you actually write "refused" on that letter or activate a permanent email filter from someone you actually had feelings for, etc. I've been involved in two LTR's where I wound up with one of Kontroller-X's Cluster 'B'asket cases. One even had the reptillian gaze that could stare down a friggin' crock. Fortunately one was before email, I had left the area and her letters were all returned not opened. In the later case, email was filtered so she wrote letters and they were returned - not opened - not easy given we had a degree of friendship for quite some time beforehand.

And part of the reason I submitted the question/poll. I actually think a true DJ (100% pure) would pick option #3 (Respond Only w/ indifference). Why? Because he wouldn't be rattled by her ranting, ego-boosting probing, etc. And his true indifference towards her might just be the best lesson she can receive - that the guy she dumped is stronger than her, more healthy and most important - he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. There ain't a thing she can do about that no matter how hard she tries. Then again, we're all human and 100% pure DJ might be a stretch.

One last thing. You threatened to close this thread...but you didn't. You're actions aren't matching your words. Now I would expect you to close it because you're p!ssed right about now

Or maybe you'll let it go because people were actually interested. As for Rollo-T, I knew where he stood. I'm not quite so sure Latinoman is in 100% with agreement with you though (his call there)? And clearly a few of the others have weighed in with a few different thoughts/ideas.

Yeah closing threads because one or two big-dogs are in agreement seems like a great idea...then at least be consistent.

 

[Latinoman]

Easy, because I had a hunch that it may not be as black & white as some make it out to be.

• Woman disrespects you.
• Same woman walks all over you.
• Same woman dumps you.

What is not so black and white about the aforementioned scenario?

The only contact I would have is to pick my stuff (like Vulpine example) and then be ZERO CONTACT.

 

[Latinoman]

And part of the reason I submitted the question/poll. I actually think a true DJ (100% pure) would pick option #3 (Respond Only w/ indifference). Why? .

My friend...for starters, a "true" DJ would have not allowed ANY woman to

• walk over him
• disrespect him

So, he would have NEVER been in this particular scenario.

 

[Sinistar]

My friend...for starters, a "true" DJ would have not allowed ANY woman to
* walk over him
* disrespect him

That's why I'm here dude. Finding back that old DJ that stupidely reverted to AFC via a case of one-itis. So I definitely agree, however there are many cases where AFC's have allowed themselves to wind up in these situations. And in our quest to find our inner DJ we then have to deal with he problem of contact afterwards.

What is not so black and white about the aforementioned scenario?
The only contact I would have is to pick my stuff (like Vulpine example) and then be ZERO CONTACT.

Latinoman, its not the scenario of how she ended things that I am wondering about. That just is what it is. Its over. Relationship done.

What doesn't seem black & white is what "Zero Contact" means? Just how many people actually interpret this to mean DO NOT ALLOW her to contact versus allow her to contact and simply not respond.

Although Vulpine brings up a good point I can tell you that I never allowed the last woman to have any things of mine at her place (that were important to me). When things went south I didn't say another word. I never asked for the stuff back because I valued Absolutely Zero Contact over that of the few replaceable possessions she had. Fvck it, let her have them they'll just be another reminder of a guy she flaked out on. Or maybe she tossed them in a fit of rage, who cares it just wasn't worth going there (which I viewed as going backwards).

Back to my take on "Respond Only with Indifference". I guess I think a guy with options, healthy self-esteem and confidence really shouldn't need caller ID, silent ring tones, email filters or the US Mail's free return policy to move beyond a woman who unilaterally ended things. He shouldn't need technology or tools to move forward. I guess this question might be at the heart of this poll/thread.

 

[Paradox]

Now either you didn't get your morning muffin or something about this thread has tweaked you in some way. Judging from the responses (at this time of this post), there might be more to this topic than even you had expected. And the poll results already tell me that roughly 50% of the readers do not think Absolute Zero Contact is the best solution. Some have given their reasons, others just voted.


And part of the reason I submitted the question/poll. I actually think a true DJ (100% pure) would pick option #3 (Respond Only w/ indifference). Why? Because he wouldn't be rattled by her ranting, ego-boosting probing, etc. And his true indifference towards her might just be the best lesson she can receive - that the guy she dumped is stronger than her, more healthy and most important - he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. There ain't a thing she can do about that no matter how hard she tries. Then again, we're all human and 100% pure DJ might be a stretch.

One last thing. You threatened to close this thread...but you didn't. You're actions aren't matching your words. Now I would expect you to close it because you're p!ssed right about now

Or maybe you'll let it go because people were actually interested. As for Rollo-T, I knew where he stood. I'm not quite so sure Latinoman is in 100% with agreement with you though (his call there)? And clearly a few of the others have weighed in with a few different thoughts/ideas.

Yeah closing threads because one or two big-dogs are in agreement seems like a great idea...then at least be consistent.

Yes I did have my muffin this morning..lol

You are right about your supposition that I left the thread open to see the responses.

No it did not hit a "note" with me. I just believe that abusive relationships should be ended. Leaving the door open for more abuse just doesn't make sense to me but again I (we the board) should be open so I left this thread open for discussion. My reasoning for closing it is this: if 99 people on the poll said that contact should be cut off then the thread wouldn't really have a point except to prove the point that the majority believe that contact should be cut off. On the other hand if the thread had differing opinions then it would merit discussion.

By mentioning several good posters who agreed I was pointing out the fact that it was silly to fool around with a user. I also understand that others might have different opinions hence the decision to leave the thread open.

I hope that clears it up. It was not personal. As usual my PM box is open.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I had to choose "other" because the other three sounded like games that women would play.

 

[DJDamage]

That is an interesting thread.

Lets look at "other".

Now suppose that you were back in the day an AFC and as a result your ex has dumped you. Now as we all know that the reason she dumped you wasn't personal and it wasn't an evil thing she decided upon to torture you, rather it was as result of her losing interest in you due to your chumpiness behaviour.

Now lets say that she is interested to get back into your life due to your own life changing "metamorphosis" if we can call it. Now if you were able to get over her and see other women thats fine. But if she is really hot and the sex was good and you are able to control your own emotions and keep her at a distance as a fvckbuddy wouldn't that be an achievment?! wouldn't that be worth it as another achievement of the NEW YOU over the OLD YOU, since now you have control and dictates how you want her in her life. Her choice is take it or leave it.

 

[Bonhomme]

I say "other." I must admit a lack of experience with such a scenario. I've usually been the one who breaks it off.

 

[Sinistar]

Paradox:
Thanks for letting this one run on. Clearly a consensus and obvious part of the solution is to stop (******dly) contacting these type of woman, especially the ones that "contribute" to abusive relationships. What really had me curious is just how many guys go that last step and aggressively "filter" this type of woman out of their life. What surprised me here is roughly only 1/3 voted for this extreme approach. The rest (with a few exceptions) would at least allow her contact to reach him and almost 3/10 would actually respond (with indifference clearly called out as requirement).

Francisco d'Anconia:
I also agree, especially when looking at it from the outside. From a distance shutting someone out Absolutely is very much like a kid closing their eyes and plugging your ears so they don't have to hear/know something they don't agree with. However, at the time of bad relationship ending it might be the best "practical" approach because nothing else she says or writes will get through and lead to more emotional stress. Eventually the guy will toughen up (if he's smart) and the measures will be irrelevant.

DJDamage:
I think you are addressing the core issue. We need to take more responsibility. I have tried lately to recognize this and thus I'm trying to use the words "We(guy) allowed blah, blah to happen..." instead "She f'd us(guy) over by doing blah, blah, blah...". Many times we want to blame the woman for everything she did wrong. In some cases they're just wacked broken individuals and any further contact with them is toxic. But I would be willing to bet that in most cases, we just failed to man up (not intentionally of course) and things just oscillated out of control. So I liked your answer for "other". And I agree, if a guy could transform himself from the emotional AFC he was (when he allowed things to go so bad) to a true DJ capable of transforming the trainwreck into a FB situation - that would be quite a feat. Yet not easy, given how much emotional investment would need to be completely set aside.

Bonhomme:
I envy you dude, somewhere someplace you learned the right lessons in life to have avoided this completely. And I agree, it is so much easier to break it off.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Speaking from experience, the best way to deal with an ex is to show her that you've moved on and that she doesn't merit the energy of trying to avoid her.

For the past year I've been working for the same company as my ex (a 2 year LTR). When I see her I'm friendly and cordial, as if we had never dated. She still gives me complements about what she liked about me as if I am supposed for ask if we should get back together. I just say "Well that's a nice thing to say" and then turn around and start talking to the hottest woman in the vacinity.

Avoid her, heavens no! I'm having too good of a time showing her that I've moved on to greener pastures!