Marriage, Kids...aka: "Settling Down" - A Conscious Decision?

[GoldMan]

Guys, I have lived my life believing that one day I would meet a woman that would inspire or motivate me to feel it was time to start having kids and to get married. I want to have kids and to start my own family. At 36, I'm starting to believe that it is going to have to be a conscious decision that I will be reluctant to make but in hindsight, I would be happy that I did it.

The key ingredient is of course is the woman, and if she meets all the criteria of the following quote, it should be a no-brainer right?

(KontrollerX put it pretty well in this quote)

Your thoughts and gut instinct feelings will be in harmony with eachother telling you she is safe to love and then you can love her.

If all the AFC within you has been killed off and you are now a DJ your mind will think this...

Mind:

-She's kind
-She's caring
-She's considerate
-She's unselfish
-She meets my minimum or maximum standards in looks
-She meets my minimum or maximum standards in bed
-She backs up her words of love towards me with consistent actions

Gut instinct feeling:

-No feeling she is putting on a mask of loving behaviour to trick me into a relationship with her to get my money or use me for some complex ego gratification only to discard me showing her true darkside behind the mask.
-No feeling she is secretly dangerous or a liar in any way.
-Absolute inner feeling that my mind's observations and thoughts of her are correct.

In short you know you're really in love with a woman when you can ask yourself if she meets all of these important requirements, think about each of them pertaining to her for five minutes then say yes to all of them without flinching.

Thats when its a mature worthy and true love, not some AFC oneitis idealization or mind games based absolute bullsh*t.

If you feel this way about a woman but still don't want to leave the game, are you making a stupid decision by taking yourself off the market and committing to marriage and kids?

Some say "you're just not ready". The thing is, I don't think I'll never feel ready. If or when it happens, I know that I would make a great father and provider for my family.

Has anybody had this experience where you just made up your mind and jumped in even though you didn't want to leave the game?

 

[GoldMan]

Wow! 105 views and not a single response?!?! I thought some of you would be compelled to provide some poignant insight. Is the answer to this question really a no-brainer?

 

[Tictac]

GoldMan,

Two things.

1) Do not 'leave the game' until you are convinced it is better than staying at the table.

2) You've left risk out of the equation. Anything about the future has the potential to not turn out as expected (more things can happen than will happen).

Until you believe that the risk is worth it, stay at the table.

This is from a guy who was married 24 years, has three children and is now divorced. And the breakup was horrific (covert affair with a wannabe 'bad boy', lies, deceit, ugly divorce, wreckage of a family - the full catastrophe).

And yet, because of our children, it was worth it even at considerable pain and collateral damage.

I lived by the code of not marrying until I was convinced that it was better than staying single. And it worked for a long time, until it didn't. Ultimately, I chose badly and paid the price. This does not mean my 'code' was faulty.

If you do anything less than this, you have no chance at all. But remember that not taking the risk is taking a risk too. Only you can do the calculus.

There are a number of DJs here that are married. And I find their counsel wise and deep. I bet that they have some code of their own.

I have learned from them that a committed relationship cannot include you migrating from DJ to AFC. And a big part of what happened to me was that.

I neglected to record the source of this from this board. For that I apologize to the author.
[INDENT][/INDENT]"its not the nice guys that are being dumped. It's the killer trio of passivity, boredom, and lack of self-confidence that will effectively end all romance".

I was not responsible for my wife's affair. I was guilty of becoming too passive.

So, if you take the risk, it is not a single event. You can affect the outcome and must work to do that, even though the risks are immutable. That's why its important to know that the risk is worth it to you.

Tictac

 

[Sinistar]

If you feel this way about a woman but still don't want to leave the game, are you making a stupid decision by taking yourself off the market and committing to marriage and kids?

Yes, because you won't give it 100% and the marriage will fail and you'll be paying child support.

Some say "you're just not ready". The thing is, I don't think I'll never feel ready. If or when it happens, I know that I would make a great father and provider for my family.

Then wait for "if and when it happens". Then be a good husband and father. Until then you appear "just not ready" yet.

Has anybody had this experience where you just made up your mind and jumped in even though you didn't want to leave the game?

I think of if differently. You are a man. You are hardwired to always be "in the game" because you only have one programmed desire - s3x. Also, your mindset will get the better of you. When you say "jump in" it hints of you relenquishing your frame. I am new at marriage. But one thing is obvious now with a wife and child. Managing the frame is more important than ever.

Tip: If you are thinking of marriage and kids, when the time is right you'll know it. Remember, a great woman will want to compliment your life. If you don't have one of those you are much better off in the game with no kids.

 

[Tictac]

I am new at marriage. But one thing is obvious now with a wife and child. Managing the frame is more important than ever.

Tip: If you are thinking of marriage and kids, when the time is right you'll know it. Remember, a great woman will want to compliment your life. If you don't have one of those you are much better off in the game with no kids.

Abosultely! Frame managment remains your task throughout your life and the lives of those important to you. Fail at that and you will lose your wife and compromise your family. Your soul will already be dead. Been there, done that. Don't you go there!

As for knowing the time is right for marriage and/or children, I'm not so sure that anyone is ever 'ready'. For me its about risk assessment and management. That sounds more clinical than it actually is.

You should believe that you can handle whatever comes and be prepared to deal with it (believe me, it won't be what you expect). Kids don't come with an expiration date or a return policy. Divorce is not only expensive, its forever.

I wouldn't trade a minute of being a Dad. But no one with kids will tell you its easy. There are no do-overs, take-backs or mulligans once you create a new person. Your unconditional obligation is to do your best for them until they are happy, productive people. (By the way, its a blast!) If you can do that, you're ready. As Yoda said "Do or do not; there is no try".

Tictac

 

[GoldMan]

Great responses, I appreciate you sharing. I heard "Desperado" on the radio the other day and it shook me up as it really spoke to me. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years for another girl. She was a great girl that I loved and enjoyed being with, who brought me peace of mind and that I connected with spiritually. The reason I gave her for breaking up was because I didn't think I could take it to the next level with her and wanted her to find someone that would give her that. I was feeling that, for me this new girl would provide that motivation.

The sex with the new girl is great and we get along well, but the connection is not there like it was with the ex. I feel as though the freshness of this relationship will fade away and I'll just move on again.

I've been looking at my buddy a lot differently now as he's always texting multiple chicks he's banging or looking to bang, and always looking for more. I was him for quite a few years, but now I look at him differently, as if he's a slave to the p*ssy. I know it's fun, and I'm probably going to want to do that again, but I'm feeling more now like I'm ready for something more substantive in my life. Just not sure if I passed on a good thing with the ex...