Maintaining Your Dignity in Multiple Interesting Scenarios

[EddieEddie]

Dear recently discovered SoSuave community,

Something that I believe will get a lot of insightful responses here the question of retorts. Whether at a party or in the supermarket you may occassionally encounter a person, mostly males, looking to earn your submission in something possibly simple as a stare down or maybe they'll even vocally engage with you to see how well you stand, this person might even be looking for a fight. This could be for some reason or no reason at all. I'm also looking to talk about friendly engagements and examine them too. (I've read through the **** test encyclopedia and if anybody hasn't I would greatly recommend a google search of it.) I want to open a discussion on whether or not engaging and responding is worth it.

Carrying on as if nothing happened is usually a great option because you can be the bigger person. Say you're in your social circle with your friends and a bit of banter is at your expense it can be harmless and you laughing along can be good for your soul and for your image. Your 'soul' and image being the points of interest here, if something affects one of those then it needs to be dealt with, correct? Harmless banter could, if repeated regularly, dig away at your self-image and self-esteem, two things I believe are part of what makes your 'soul' - sidenote: if someone has a more scientifically correct way to describe your soul feel free to shoot it my way. If a stranger in the street says decides they don't like you and expresses that in some form, you might spend some of that day curiously pondering what lead to it and that could be a little damaging to your soul too.

TL;DR: I'm interested in hearing the community's unique recollections and reviews of their own confrontation situations, however minor or major, and whether, why, and how they decided to retort.

My entry:

Yesterday I was cycling to the supermarket to get some groceries. Looking over my shoulder to checking it was safe to turn, a rather large man caught my gaze and I carried on. After locking up my bike I went into the shop. Putting the first few things in my basket this large man walks by and catches my gaze again. He asks if I know him. I responded I didn't. "Then what are you looking at?" This question felt like it came with a little hostility. I responded with a cheeky, "I like your smile." Going in that kill them with kindness route. He responded: "Well I don't like yours, don't look at me." "Alrighty then belly boy", I c*ckily replied. I felt immature in the engagement, but was aiming to make fun of the engagement more than him. I honestly can't remember the exact wordings of what he and I batted back and forth but I felt I had to send something back each time and he probably did the same. In a matter of pride probably for me and for him, I'm not sure. The last words said to each other were said at a distance as he had kept walking and the dispute went with him.

I felt happy with that because I 'defended my honour', as petty as the whole thing was. If I were to do it again I think I'd just avoid saying something personal, his belly was hanging out of his shirt and I called him Belly Boy. I feel a comment like that is below me as I don't want to target someone's potential insecurities, I could see it actually got to him which is in itself a bit sad. Things did go a bit further when we ran into each other on the way out, in the same vein only escalated. If I saw him again I think I'd apologise for the unnecessary personal comment and more as I can 'feel in my soul' that was wrong and against what I believe in. But I am proud that I defended my self-image.

Criticism welcome.



edit: I believe this is relevant to dating as you need to maintain your self-image and soul for game, you need to maintain your general image for game, etc

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Dear recently discovered SoSuave community,

Something that I believe will get a lot of insightful responses here the question of retorts. Whether at a party or in the supermarket you may occassionally encounter a person, mostly males, looking to earn your submission in something possibly simple as a stare down or maybe they'll even vocally engage with you to see how well you stand, this person might even be looking for a fight. This could be for some reason or no reason at all. I'm also looking to talk about friendly engagements and examine them too. (I've read through the **** test encyclopedia and if anybody hasn't I would greatly recommend a google search of it.) I want to open a discussion on whether or not engaging and responding is worth it.

Carrying on as if nothing happened is usually a great option because you can be the bigger person. Say you're in your social circle with your friends and a bit of banter is at your expense it can be harmless and you laughing along can be good for your soul and for your image. Your 'soul' and image being the points of interest here, if something affects one of those then it needs to be dealt with, correct? Harmless banter could, if repeated regularly, dig away at your self-image and self-esteem, two things I believe are part of what makes your 'soul' - sidenote: if someone has a more scientifically correct way to describe your soul feel free to shoot it my way. If a stranger in the street says decides they don't like you and expresses that in some form, you might spend some of that day curiously pondering what lead to it and that could be a little damaging to your soul too.

TL;DR: I'm interested in hearing the community's unique recollections and reviews of their own confrontation situations, however minor or major, and whether, why, and how they decided to retort.

My entry:

Yesterday I was cycling to the supermarket to get some groceries. Looking over my shoulder to checking it was safe to turn, a rather large man caught my gaze and I carried on. After locking up my bike I went into the shop. Putting the first few things in my basket this large man walks by and catches my gaze again. He asks if I know him. I responded I didn't. "Then what are you looking at?" This question felt like it came with a little hostility. I responded with a cheeky, "I like your smile." Going in that kill them with kindness route. He responded: "Well I don't like yours, don't look at me." "Alrighty then belly boy", I c*ckily replied. I felt immature in the engagement, but was aiming to make fun of the engagement more than him. I honestly can't remember the exact wordings of what he and I batted back and forth but I felt I had to send something back each time and he probably did the same. In a matter of pride probably for me and for him, I'm not sure. The last words said to each other were said at a distance as he had kept walking and the dispute went with him.

I felt happy with that because I 'defended my honour', as petty as the whole thing was. If I were to do it again I think I'd just avoid saying something personal, his belly was hanging out of his shirt and I called him Belly Boy. I feel a comment like that is below me as I don't want to target someone's potential insecurities, I could see it actually got to him which is in itself a bit sad. Things did go a bit further when we ran into each other on the way out, in the same vein only escalated. If I saw him again I think I'd apologise for the unnecessary personal comment and more as I can 'feel in my soul' that was wrong and against what I believe in. But I am proud that I defended my self-image.

Criticism welcome.



edit: I believe this is relevant to dating as you need to maintain your self-image and soul for game, you need to maintain your general image for game, etc

If the negative banter results in you having to spend alot of time "defending" yourself afterwards then it cost you. Or if your previous image is no longer afforded by thegroup. They only support a new degraded image and actively keep you stuck there.

 

[Kitttydiet88]

Dude sees you checking him out from your bicycle, and again at the supermarket. You then tell him it’s because you like his smile.

He probably thought you were gay.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Dude sees you checking him out from your bicycle, and again at the supermarket. You then tell him it’s because you like his smile.

He probably thought you were gay.

You checked his bike out. It was cool. In the store you thought you recognized him.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Does this sort of confrontation happen to you often?

I'm guessing this guy was emotionally unstable. Best to be careful who you look in the eye. The wrong kinds of people can view the eye contact as an invitation, as this guy apparently did. You probably could've neutralized the situation, as soon as he engaged you, by telling him that you'd confused him for a friend of yours..

As men we were raised to look men im the eye when we speak.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You have to understand, there are some people in this world who have made some very, very bad choices and are running away from the consequences of those choices; are you just a guy on a bike, or are you a consequence of a bad choice this guy has made? Paranoia does strange things to people, especially over time.

Then again, maybe he did just think you were some random gay guy coming onto him, better that than anything else i guess.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

He said he caught the guy's eye a couple of times when he was riding his bike, which was what prompted the other man to engage him. As a rule, don't look anyone in the eye whom you don't wish to engage. It's crazy bait. You want every panhandler and homeless mental patient to approach you? Then look them in the eye.

Do you know the reasons a man may end up homeless?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Drug addiction, mental illness, he allowed Megan Markle to alienate him from his family and birthright, etc. Don't know what the cause of the man's condition the OP became entangled with is any concern of his. Look the person you're talking to in the eye...not every homeless mental patient you pass on the streets... unless you want to become their social worker.

Some just had politics happen and their family turned their back on them. Or a ex wife burned their social life and career and started them over. I've talked with quite a few. Far fewer than 50% were mentally ill and probably could never help themselves. Id estimate 10-20%. The rest either ****ed up or had their lives ****ed up for them. To be functional they have to get a temp job. Get all their IDs. Then get a better low end job and a cheap residence and work their way up. Most of their motivation is squashed. They have no idea of a path. Many end up as alcoholics as a form of coping. Plus there is alot of "fake" homeless. Getting cash for alcohol or drugs or out there or to monitor you and i for legit entities and agencies.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Drug addiction, mental illness, he allowed Megan Markle to alienate him from his family and birthright, etc. Don't know what the cause of the man's condition the OP became entangled with is any concern of his. Look the person you're talking to in the eye...not every homeless mental patient you pass on the streets... unless you want to become their social worker.

just talking to a coworker on Friday about homeless people interactions.
I generally do not make eye contact with men or women until they are within 2' of me. If a homeless person has directed a plea or question towards me I stop completely, look directly towards them turning my body and say Sorry Sir, ma'am I'm not able to right now but I wish you good luck and a nice day, take care now. With a quick smile and a nod. Then I'm gone.
Before I look away you can see a big wave of relief come over their face and they usually start stuttering or smile back or blush or nod in a kind of agreement. They just want courtesy and respect for their humanity.

Coworker says he anticipates the question and goes up and asks THEM for money first. omfg, smh

 

[mrgoodstuff]

just talking to a coworker on Friday about homeless people interactions.
I generally do not make eye contact with men or women until they are within 2' of me. If a homeless person has directed a plea or question towards me I stop completely, look directly towards them turning my body and say Sorry Sir, ma'am I'm not able to right now but I wish you good luck and a nice day, take care now. With a quick smile and a nod. Then I'm gone.
Before I look away you can see a big wave of relief come over their face and they usually start stuttering or smile back or blush or nod in a kind of agreement. They just want courtesy and respect for their humanity.

Coworker says he anticipates the question and goes up and asks THEM for money first. omfg, smh

I'll feed ones i know is trying to better their situation a little respect. It could change their day or their life and cost me nothing. Listen to their stories how they got out there.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If you don't have one friend or family member willing to put you up, to keep you of the streets, until you get back on your feet, the problem is you...99.99999999% of the time. It's because you can't be trusted, you're violent, a thief, a liar, or maybe even a pervert.

Think about it, who in your family or among your friends would you not put up, to keep him off the streets? If you can think of any of your friends or family members you wouldn't take in, then it's because that person is untrustworthy or dangerous, and you don't trust him around your wife and kids, or unsupervised alone in your home.

That's why most of these people are homeless, because their friends and families won't put up with their shiit, anymore. I'm sure they'll give you a sad story, if you're fool enough to listen to it, but all their stories are bullshiit.

Boy. Some of those family and friends was narcissistic or competitive. Wouldn't help them if their life depended upon it. Or help only if they could dump on them. My grandfather an extremely successful man had nearly all of his male friends turn on him or try to exploit him due to ego issues. He made 10x more than most of them. He was not a super nice man. But many of those he had helped. There are others whose families are controlling and attempt to force their identity or direction. Such as member blacksheep. They'll only help if they can control or degrade you.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Most people, even family and friends, will impose conditions on their help...even loving parents will. I would. You would have to be one special individual, for me not to insist that you expend effort and show progress towards regaining your self-sufficiency, while you were living with me. They'd just rather be on the streets than be held accountable.

Not that. Some are trying to better themself. I found it better to live in my car while i restructured vs living with my ex wife and her constant never ending daily verbal abuse. The peace was worth it and it made me stronger.

Your argument is correct for someone who wanted to freeload and never help themselves.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It isn't everyone, but it is most.

For sure. Our society is filled with ungrateful freeloaders. The more help you give the less they respect you. If i had someone they'd do some chores, put groceries in the fridge or pay a bill. Id not have them keeping me up at nite. And no company. The help is not to make them comfortable or give them a home. It's a temporary living situation until they get back on their feet.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

I'll feed ones i know is trying to better their situation a little respect. It could change their day or their life and cost me nothing. Listen to their stories how they got out there.

I have to watch my donation of my listening ear. I'm historically prone to not setting a boundary on my time. Now I do....I learned by osmosis by others who set a boundary on THEIR time with me.
I serve through my 'book club' meetings one hour at a time where I also get reciprocation.(I know I have high value as a neighbour, fellow citizen)

 

[Lynx nkaf]

For sure. Our society is filled with ungrateful freeloaders. The more help you give the less they respect you. If i had someone they'd do some chores, put groceries in the fridge or pay a bill. Id not have them keeping me up at nite. And no company. The help is not to make them comfortable or give them a home. It's a temporary living situation until they get back on their feet.

measured and with expectations of progress....always better for a body to 'paddle their own canoe'.
Nothing wrong with temp. staying in vehicle for autonomy and strength rebuilding. Also nothing wrong with accepting help with expectations of the helpee making some efforts to get out of the temp. position.

Sounds like there's some good common sense and charity in all of us on this topic.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I have to watch my donation of my listening ear. I'm historically prone to not setting a boundary on my time. Now I do....I learned by osmosis by others who set a boundary on THEIR time with me.
I serve through my 'book club' meetings one hour at a time where I also get reciprocation.(I know I have high value as a neighbour, fellow citizen)

Im talking about 5 minutes. Not hours.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Im talking about 5 minutes. Not hours.

its never just 5 mins.

I need more 'wrap it up' and 'look at the time' type closers or I get magnetically and codependantly sucked in.

One day I'll make a video on this.

 

[Tilex]

Especially if he was wearing the bicycle pants....

Hahahahah!
I think you're being too generous!

Bicycle shorts = Spandex
Most guys don't wear this because it ends up looking like booty shorts if they buy the incorrect size or if it shrinks in the dryer.

 

[andreihaha]

In a random confrontation, why not play crazy? If you have a good enough crazy face.
Random guy: What are you looking at?
You: What are you looking at?(crazy eyes)
Random guy: What's wrong with you?
You: What's wrong with you?(crazy eyes)
Then you turn around. If he follows you after that, he's crazier than you,run biatch, ruuun!

Or you can use the classic "I don't know what you're talking about" and resume what you were doing.

 

[Shannon Kasper]

Hey Eddie, to answer your question - is stare down worth it. IMHO it's not. If a person is deriving happiness or feeling good by winning a stare down, he basically doesn't have any better goals or hobbies to work about. If you are already successful or moving towards your goals, you don't give a damn about stare downs.
Imagine if you were a Olympic gold medalist or anybigthing else, you wouldn't even acknowledge the presence of the random bellyboy on your way to grocery store. By initiating the stare down you're giving importance the random stranger by acknowledging his presence and waiting for his response.

I'd say don't get involved in stare downs with random strangers. It doesn't mean anything.

Things change a little bit when you're in a social circle like friends or colleagues etc. You should sometimes dominate and set boundaries and participate in stare downs or any other dominance games.
If any kind of banter (healthy or unhealthy) is "always" Happening at your expense it definitely not healthy for your soul and I'm not sure about the other souls that enjoy banter at your expense. Then you need to set the boundaries. Whenever you feel uncomfortable during the banter just say "that's not cool" (or "any other phrase") in a way that it conveys you mean it(dominance demonstrated). If that banter was good for your soul and didn't made you uncomfortable, you wouldn't have mentioned it in the post. Hope this helps.