LTR - Sex **** test question

[Randolph]

Hello,

I've recently gotten back toghether with an ex after i dumped her. She has been trying to get me back for 1 year and now we are back since 3 months.

So I have clearly been a "challenge" before in her eyes and I think thats what she likes because she always comes back for more. However, now that we are back together I have been waay to soft according to myself. Partly because of work and health stuff I have been way weaker than before. I have now bounced back but before I did stupidly surrendered frame to be "nicer". I have realized my mistakes and corrected behaviour but we some damage has definately been done.

She has been trying alot of **** testing to gain power in the relationship, saying things that "I have done this for you before but I wont do it now", "I will expect way more from a boyfriend than what you have given me before" etc. At first I did concede a few times but now I just chuckle and say something along the lines of "yeah whatever, thats bull**** and we both know it". Some tantrums have been thrown and I just keep calm and unfazed, positive results so far. I can tell she really likes when I'm unfazed by her bull****.
The desire has definately dropped, from my part since we gotten together and hers has dropped the past two weeks compared to before when she chased me hard.

Her trying to gain power in the relationship is a lose lose game for both of us if I concede, I know that and am secure in that.

However, I wanted you guys take on a particular one and if you can give me how you would handle it and elaborate.

Shes been for 2.5 years DTF everytime, always nomatter what and has been chasing me hard for sex when we hang out. She's still very touchy and I notice that I make her horny.
But she's tested me twice two with the same thing, saying shes not in the mood and that I "just cant expect to **** her everytime we hang out" and "all you want me for is sex".
I have handled this, not perfect at all but combining some nice guy splaining with to "you expect to **** me every time" with "Yea, ofcourse" shruh and with a smirk. Escalating to sex each time she has done it and shes been really happy afterwards and seem to enjoy sex more and more each time.

Side note, shes been super jealous about my "activity" past year, "whos texting you at this hour", "who the **** is DMing you on insta all the time?!, "I cant believe you dont know how many *****s you have ****ed since we been apart".

Maybe I'm just overreacting but I just want you guys opinion on how to go about things because sex for me is a non-negotiable. I know her attraction for me is my own resposability and we are heading in the right direction but I just wont accept sex used as a weapon against me.

Thanks for reading!

 

[Dr.Suave]

Hello,

I've recently gotten back toghether with an ex after i dumped her. She has been trying to get me back for 1 year and now we are back since 3 months.

Your mistakes in bold. On the bright side, looks like you have been passing her tests with flying colors.

 

[kavi]

It makes you weak and beta that you want sex from her everytime you see her.

Being horny or demanding for sex is very weak and beta. It re-inforces the idea that sex has some value, for which the woman should be compensated. Now she is asking you to provide more because she thinks her vagina has so much value, a frame you put yourself in, and she wants better bf duties as an exchange.

She may not even care that you are a better bf or whatever, but she just doesnt want to be used, if she thinks her vag has as much value as you place on it, then she will want something exchange otherwise she feels she is giving something up for free that should have some value.

 

[Barrister]

This woman sounds like she is a complete pain in the ass. Why did you decide to get back with her?

You going back to her after 1 year actually showed that you weren't over her and probably emboldened her to test your leadership within the context of your relationship. Hence why she is constantly challenging you. I would also venture this woman has an anxious attachment style evidenced by the very needy demands of knowing who you are communicating with at all times.

On the sex part, she clearly does not have the lust for you that you do for her. Sex is a means to an end for her. Frankly, that doesn't sound enjoyable even if she is hot if she is constantly trying to make it transactional.

OP - I think you need to ask yourself why you are with her. You can get sex and better sex from random women who won't nag you about every little thing under the sun. Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

[Dr.Suave]

It makes you weak and beta that you want sex from her everytime you see her.

Being horny or demanding for sex is very weak and beta.

Interesting perspective. Maybe you are on to something bro. What if the girl is the one who wants sex every time you see her?

 

[corsica]

It's easy to judge from outside. She's acting like a b!tch and should be dumped.

But like most men who needs sex, we might put with some crap to avoid "cutting the supply".

My question is:
Is she your best option? Can't you get anything better so you don't have to deal with that BS?

Men should learn from experience. I try to avoid all the problems I had with exes and improve future relationships.

 

[Randolph]

Thanks for your input and a lot of you are on point with the criticism. Is she the best I can do? Nope. Am I being somewhat ruled by fear atm. Sure.

The thing about sex is that it’s become an ego thing for me. It’s not that I’m more hot for that than her nessecarily. It’s happened two times and both times I knew it was better to leave it alone but I acted weak. It’s just that I’ve made it my identity somehow that I’m never refused sex.
now that I was, my ego was hurt. Stupid I know but it’s not about the sex but what being denied implies. Im going to have to come to terms with my petty ego.

 

[Dr.Suave]

it's an issue that needs to be resolved or you may very well lose her again.

You say that like its a bad thing.

 

[Randolph]

First off for context, I'm female.

Second, re what's quoted above, what makes you think it was a shyt test?

Shyt tests are an intentional manipulation, which I'm not seeing here.

What I'm seeing is a woman who feels sexually objectified by her boyfriend and undervalued, and communicating that to you, very clearly I might add.

That is NOT a shyt test, it's an issue that needs to be resolved or you may very well lose her again.

I agree with @kavi that demanding sex each time you see her makes you appear weak, overly thirsty and tbh a bit like a bully.

Are you into this? Into her? Truly? Do you care about her at all?

I am not accusing you of anything but it seems some men don't know the difference between treatment of a plate and treatment of a girlfriend you care about.

If you don't give a rat's arse about her and all you want her for is the bang, then keep her as a plate.

But if this is going to be LTR, learn to listen when she communicates versus aloofly dismissing and NOT viewing everything she does and says that's not to your liking as some sort of "shyt test."

Her feeling objectified by me sounds pretty on point here tbh.

I’m actually really impressed with all of your input because your hit the nail on the head.
She’s not been feeling valued at all by me the past year. Sure it’s your responsibility how you accept to be treated but that does not change the fact that she has been feeling really devalued.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Quoting @catsmeow2

" I don't know if it's good or bad, I was simply stating a fact. " She an ex for a reason. On most cases, one should never go back to an ex.

"He got back together with her and also created this thread which suggests it matters to him at least on some level." I agree it matters to him. It shouldnt.

Looks like op is very happy with your input. I´ll leave you guys to it. Good luck.

 

[kavi]

Interesting perspective. Maybe you are on to something bro. What if the girl is the one who wants sex every time you see her?

Pimp Level unlocked!!

 

[Randolph]

Quoting @catsmeow2

" I don't know if it's good or bad, I was simply stating a fact. " She an ex for a reason. On most cases, one should never go back to an ex.

"He got back together with her and also created this thread which suggests it matters to him at least on some level." I agree it matters to him. It shouldnt.

Looks like op is very happy with your input. I´ll leave you guys to it. Good luck.

Im happy with your input as well. You hit on important points that my ego does not want me to acknowledge.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Im happy with your input as well. You hit on important points that my ego does not want me to acknowledge.

Awesome. Could you monkey-branch to a better girl?

 

[Randolph]

Pimp Level unlocked!!

Used to be the case until 2 weeks ago.

 

[Randolph]

It makes you weak and beta that you want sex from her everytime you see her.

Being horny or demanding for sex is very weak and beta. It re-inforces the idea that sex has some value, for which the woman should be compensated. Now she is asking you to provide more because she thinks her vagina has so much value, a frame you put yourself in, and she wants better bf duties as an exchange.

She may not even care that you are a better bf or whatever, but she just doesnt want to be used, if she thinks her vag has as much value as you place on it, then she will want something exchange otherwise she feels she is giving something up for free that should have some value.

This post hits home. I have acted weak AF and am abit ashamed for it. Going for sex even tho I didn't even want it because I didnt want to be denied.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Her feeling objectified by me sounds pretty on point here tbh.

I’m actually really impressed with all of your input because your hit the nail on the head.
She’s not been feeling valued at all by me the past year. Sure it’s your responsibility how you accept to be treated but that does not change the fact that she has been feeling really devalued.

Go down this road and she will wipe the floor with you and leave you back there in the dirt when she monkey branches to the next ****.

The last thing this woman needs is more attention and confirmation for being a nagging pain in the ass.

The only thing you should do now is double down on her.

Remember it was YOU that gave her a second chance, not the other way around.
As kavi put it, demanding(begging for?) sex all the time gives her a position of power she is not supposed to have.

Stop being needy!

You need to implement some dread game, where she starts to think what she did wrong that you are not actively craving for sex anymore and are getting it somewhere else maybe.

 

[Randolph]

Awesome. Could you monkey-branch to a better girl?

I can but not someone I would consider for something long term.

Also I'm one of those tin foils that wont date vaxxed ppl.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Could her sudden testing be a sympton of a decline in interest?

"The amount of tests from a girl are inversely proportional to her interest level"
- Dr. Suave 1/16/2023

 

[Randolph]

Go down this road and she will wipe the floor with you and leave you back there in the dirt when she monkey branches to the next ****.

The last thing this woman needs is more attention and confirmation for being a nagging pain in the ass.

The only thing you should do now is double down on her.

Remember it was YOU that gave her a second chance, not the other way around.
As kavi put it, demanding(begging for?) sex all the time gives her a position of power she is not supposed to have.

Stop being needy!

You need to implement some dread game, where she starts to think what she did wrong that you are not actively craving for sex anymore and are getting it somewhere else maybe.

This was my thought process. Focus on being attractive, keep frame (i.e. not submit to concede more power to silly demands) and have her work for my validation and not the other way around.
Not pushing for sex and like you said. And dread game, there has been plenty of that, not actively but passively. Women texting & calling me, me going out with friends etc.

 

[Randolph]

The only thing you should do now is double down on her.

What do you mean by this?