LTR Question

[penguin]

Hey, new here, been reading on this DJ stuff...

I'm in a LTR (about 1.5 years -- i assume some degree of DJ theory still applies when in a relationship?), and what I want to know is how i should deal with my girlfriend always trying to get the upper hand on me.

By that i mean things like a) she NEVER contacts me first, unless she contacts me to complain about how I didn't. b) She makes issues out of nothing, for the sake of drama and an argument c) Always trying to act smarter/better than me.

In general it is just disrespect. It never used to be like this, but recently it's just been her trying to act tough/better than me. She may have been complimented on her looks that inflated her ego, who knows.

She even blamed her low self-esteem on ME. She has low self-esteem naturally, but as soon as i make one single step wrong, she pounces on it and blames everything on me....

Sorry for the long post

How do you suggest I deal with this? I don't want to throw away a LTR, but I do want and deserve respect and to not be taken for granted.

Opinions appreciated

 

[Sart]

I need abreak

I think I should relocate for while, too many posts like this are depressing. I think you should cave in to her and prod her even higher on her pedestal. Shyte, can you imagine the consequences if you demanded respect and acted like a man? You could end up on the shelf...and you have that whole biological time clock to think about, you aren't getting younger.

Just give in to her and, hey, do what your Dad did, MARRY her. Have 2 kids, move to the burbs and mow the lawn and take up bowling or gardening. You know, you COULD have the best kept garden on the street if you try hard enough.

Yeah, sarcasm, Its time for a short break I think. DONT waste fukcing ten years of your life like I did...DONT DO IT. Speak to MEN who have been around, look into their eyes. Seek out the truth, not the "yeah, Im great" bullshyte answer they will give you.

 

[Desdinova]

She even blamed her low self-esteem on ME

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry but that's pretty goddam funny! Did she say something like "I hate myself and it's your fault"?

This stuff happens when you get involved with a woman who has low self-esteem.

I don't want to throw away a LTR, but I do want and deserve respect and to not be taken for granted.

Well, I'll be blunt with you. Pick one of these options. Either kick her ass out of your life for disrespecting you and taking your for granted, or keep the LTR and continue being 5hit under her shoes.

You can only have one of these with the current woman you're with. There is also the possibility of finding a DIFFERENT woman where you can have the best of both; being in a LTR and being respected by your woman.

 

[penguin]

Yeah thanks for the advice. I'm new to it all so I hope I can learn more from here and avoid getting into crappy situations in the first place. I'm 18 and i'm already in a LTR with someone who is "me me me" and absoloutely thrives off drama.... how sad haha. Hopefully I can learn though.

Oh and yes, to the above poster, it was basically as you said. Not exactly, but something along the lines of "my self-esteem is low because you make it". I don't know how that conclusion is arrived at.... but then again females don't seem to be too logical

 

[the_great_gaia]

The advice you need to hear.

hey, what you're going thru, i've been there and i'm STILL doing that. When this happened to me, I didn't know what to do either. I came to this board seeking advice, and the best I could get was "NEXT" her. But you're not going to "next" her because you still have feelings for her. But there is a way to get her to respect you and have a new-found love for you all over again. Wanna know, here goes.

I noticed how you said that she only gets in contact with you but only if you contact her first. I know how that feels. You wonder if she even really likes you, right? This is how you find out. Don't call her for a week. Just don't call. You have to make her "miss" you, and you got to let her know: "You don't miss what you got until it's gone..." Yeah, you'll probably want to call her by having these sudden urges, but with some self-control, you'll survive. If she doesn't call you within a week, she doesn't like you. Call her then, and hear what BS line she has to say. Just according to your own feelings, stay or leave. It's up to you. I know this worked for me. My g/f started doing things for me that I never thought she'd ever do. Hope this helps.

 

[baracus]

Prediction: I see you staying with her and putting up with her s**t for a while longer.


Wait there's something else; yes . . .

I see her dumping your @ss.


Move on, son.

 

[penguin]

the_great_gaia, I know that kind of thing will work with some.... but here's an insight into her personality: she'll treat it like a "battle" and she'll have the mentality "screw that, i'm not contacting him, he has to", she's a very stubborn. But your advice is very good though.

I'm not being a pushover to her, and that is the reason we constantly argue. I know i'm going to have to dump her if it doesn't stop, and trust me I wouldn't have got into this situation if this is how she was at the beginning. It just baffles me why the personality has been good for a year.... then just to crap the last 6 months or so.

I can be chatting to her over the internet sometimes, and she'll be rambling on about her and her day etc. and that's fine, then when that's done i'll mention a sports match that was really good, e.g. a b-ball game, and she'll go "i don't want to hear about it" and leave. Talk about an attitude.

Ohh my.... the more I read over what i'm typing, the more of a chump even I think i am

 

[sexual_intellectual]

gaia - tell me you're not back with andrea?!? I quote you:

"She tried to fight me, she tried to stab me with the mirror she broke, she said that she was gonna kill me. She spit in my face, bit me, kicked me in the balls, punched me in the face, cut me, etc. She was raising hell!"

What does she have to do to break up with you? Kill a member of your family? Or would you get back with her after the funeral... After all, it was just a "misunderstanding".

penguin, ignore gaia's advice. If you're being disrespected, talk to your girl. Tell her that she's hurting you. Inform her that there will be no more power games in your relationship. If they continue, you must leave, whatever the cost because:

1) She doesn't care about you enough to stop hurting you.
2) Deep down she considers herself above you. (hence the attitude)

Love is beautiful, far too beautiful to be used as an instrument of control and manipulation. Don't let her abuse your love.

 

[belividere]

intellectual hit it right on the head. After a year and a half I see no point in playing those sophmoric head games that will be advised. Just sit down in a non-confrontational way and tell her how you feel (disrespected) and what you expect out of your relationship. If she turns it into a battle walk away and walk away the better person. If she makes claims then make sure that she follows through. Either way take this LTR as a learning experience. You're young and getting knowledge of what you want and expect from a girl in an LTR is a lot more than most guys will have at your age. whether that is a good or bad thing hell I dont know.

 

[Nightspark]

yep go do what gaia said to do... cut her off of ALL COMMUNICATION! u can even extend it to a week and half or two weeks even...

i did this and then i realized that i never called that girl for a good solid 2 weeks. at that point in time i broke up with her and that was the end of that chapter....

the cut off communication thing shows if she still likes u or not... if u dont hear from her then u have urr answer and cutting her out of urr life will be less of a task since u would already have done that but cutting communication with her for a week...

all the best man and dont do anythign fcuked up!

Respect is Everything!

Nightspark

 

[penguin]

Thank you for all the advice. I'm slowly learning.... it'll take some time though to break through my AFCness, but I can do it

 

[belividere]

Excuse my ignorance on this subject as I have only been on this board and have read the bible within the last month or so. But is playing these I'm not going to call you until you call me games really being manly or is it just doing what women do. Seriously do what you think is right, which I'm sure you were going to do anyways, but for me I would just go ahead and tell her what is wrong. That way at least if she doesn't agree or repair what is wrong you know that you let her know how you wanted things. Is that really so hard or so wrong to do? Not calling after a year and a half, what does that do just make you the disrepectful one. Is it going to make you feel any better? Would having the self-respect to stand up to your problems and address them head on by telling her what is pissing you off make you feel better? Really though it is up to you. I don't agree with games like that especially in an LTR but then again that is just me

 

[Wyldfire]

Tell her to quit being a biotch or she'll have to find another boyfriend.

 

[Desdinova]

I must say that you're quite a few steps ahead of me when I was in a relationship with a girl like yours. I was completely clueless, and I'd lie to myself saying "Oh she loves me, we're just going through a tough time." I continued to let myself be treated like crap up until the day she left me.

You're aware of your situation and you're learning what's really going on. You'll be in much better shape when the relationship ends. I think it's in your best interest to end it first. Women love dragging on the end of relationships.

 

[penguin]

*sigh* I hate being an AFC and knowing it... ignorance is bliss.

Another lame question.... I cut off contact with her, and she hasn't made any to me either (to be expected, she never initiates it, this is like a power game to her)... and considering the frequency of our normal contact, it has been a while.

Should I just let her win her little game and confront her about all the bullcrap or stay solid and continue to not contact her?

I'm eager to just get this crap sorted or end it, but on the other hand, if i contact her, she "wins" and she'll pull this stupid superiority act that I can't stand...

I know I know, AFC questions.... but i'm trying. I'm at least identifying what's going on.

 

[Desdinova]

Should I just let her win her little game

If you're going to put it in terms of winning and losing, look at it this way; she's losing a damn good man!

 

[DeathDealer]

When a girl starts battling for power in a relationship - she wants to win. Should you allow her to win? Well - just know this... A working relationship has equal power and partnership from both sides, if she's putting you down or making you feel miserable.. yes you do know it is disrespect. A girl does not disrespect nor shall you disrespect the one you love. Apparently she is doing that and this is a sign that her love for you (or interest level) is dropping fast... Like several other posters - she may be preparing to dump you and this is her way of justifying it.. infact it's every girls way of justifying it.

Guys can dump clean cut from someone but girls.. they gotta make you pay for it.

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by penguin
Should I just let her win her little game and confront her about all the bullcrap or stay solid and continue to not contact her?

And this, my friend, is why you are weak!!! If she doesn't call you, then she doesn't call you! Penguin, no offense, but you are needy and clingy.

You GF knows she has you by you balls. You my friend, are on the way to dumpsville!

Read the following and understsand it. It is a repost of Svengali's rules, which you can find at http://fastseduction.com/archives/archive_svengali.zip:

Originally posted by Svengali
Let's get you fitted with some night glasses so you can see everything a lot more clearly, so you can do as you were born to do.

1) First off, and this is going to go against everyting mom, sis, auntie and the nuns/teachers told you, women *want* men who *don't* want them nearly as much as the women do.

2) Second, when you want a woman more then she wants you, you'll want to know why she is with and wants me, more then you.

3) Third, give to her only *after* she has given to you.

4) Fourth, if you're looking for a long term, committed, singular
relationship {not my cup of tea, but each to their own}, make the
relationship more important then the woman. This way a part (woman) can be plucked out and replaced with another, and you still have what you wanted.

5) Fifth (paste this some place where you'll always see it), the moment a woman sees she'll get whatever she wants from you, you've lost your value and sparkle in her eyes.

6) Sixth (paste this some place where you'll always see it), when a woman sees you as undesirable, you'll be taken for granted and walked all over. {Nothing makes a woman see you as desirable, more then another woman finding interest in you.}

7) Seventh: If you don't give a woman something *to* be pissed about every now and then, she'll find something on her own, and that will be harder to get out of (because it will be of her making and criteria, not yours).

8) Eight: Women are very UNstable creatures. Never assume that she will like, love, want or anything else ten minutes from now, as she does now. {Ride the moment, for in a few moments its all going to change.}

9) Nine: If you don't direct her, she is going to direct both herself and you. And what a merry-go-round that is.

10) Ten: Want a ten, okay, here's a ten.

Maximus_Decimus