LTR Leaving

[nan3109]

My LTR of about 9 months is leaving in a couple weeks to wisconsin for college. She's coming back on every holiday and every break including winter, spring, and summer break.

I was wondering what/if anything I should plan to do with her before she goes away? I wanted to do something special for her considering shes crazy nice and really good LTR material.

I was thinking , considering I live in Minneasota, to take her to the Riverfront District by the Mississippi and take her to a place over looking the city and do a picnic type thing at the edge of a cliff (over lookin the city of course).

She's bought me a lot of stuff in our relationship and she always claims I'm "a mean boy" in a sarcastic voice. Maybe I'll suprise her by bringing a 11 roses with one white one.

I dunno, GIVE ME YOUR IDEAS

 

[killerasp]

yeah.....um...i hate to break it to you but long distance college romances/LTR rarely last.

College life is about experiencing everything it has to offer. That includes other guys/girls.

Ive seen over a dozen LTR's break apart b/c of distance. im not sure how far the school is from your home. but chances are, the time spent away from each other will turn into something else other than love.

this is no means to get you to break off with your GF, but you must realize what is going on here. She will be meeting new people at school. New guys for her, New girls for you. Things will be DIFFERENT. She will want a chance to experience everything she can before she is out in 4 years.

 

[becker]

I agree that long distance relationships in college are very likely not going to work out. I wish they would, but the fact that you guys are so far apart will make you eventually feel a void in the relationship, and you'll start drifting. I'd say unless you somehow find a way to stay in the same place as her, things aren't looking good (I know that's not what people want to hear, but be careful not to be in denial).

 

[nan3109]

Originally posted by killerasp
She will want a chance to experience everything she can before she is out in 4 years.

I brought this point up to her and her ******** told me "Well, I've already partied alot and done drugs (smoked weed) and I'm done with that now. Alot of girls haven't experienced what I have already and they'll be exposed to that in college. But because I've already been through that kind of stuff in High School, I wont find a need to experience everything because I'm already through with it"

 

[becker]

To me, I think it's not about experiencing stuff that you haven't before in college, but it's more about the freedom of being on your own somewhat and the relationships with new people that you develop pretty much without trying. It's definitely something that you can't really comment about until you've been through it, so it's common to get responses like that which your GF said.

 

[nan3109]

Yeah dude, I dunno....

She wants to continue the relationship (shes moving 1 and a half hour away) and see me like during the weekends when we dont have class.

But Im really in love with her and she (i can tell by her actions, not her words) that she loves me too.

So I dont think I would be able to break it off with her, only if things started to REALLY change (her attitude about our relationship, etc.)

What should I do ?

 

[becker]

I guess you shouldn't jump the gun so quickly, but just be prepared for the possibility that it won't work out in the end.

Unfortunately, this may be one of those lessons that has to be learned firsthand...

 

[killerasp]

hey, 1 hr and half isnt bad at all. i was thinking like she was like 6-8 hr drive from you.

if she is that close, i think you should keep things going. you will need to work harder to keep the relationship going on.

But like becker said, its more to experiencing freedom away from home and from you. I didnt mean that to sound bad, but what was the longest time she has spent away from you? Now that she has her chance to, what will she do? I wouldnt know exactly, but there are few crazy and wild things ive seen girls do in college and its all the same.

You say she is in love with you, or at least you think she is. but has she ever said that to you?

 

[nan3109]

Well, she actually said shes "IN love with me"

And the longest we've been apart is about a week. We've been apart a week a couple times and this is about the same deal when she moves. I'll see her maybe every weekend. I just hate driving and my parents yell at me for using so many miles on my car.

 

[iqqi]

Even if the relationship is destined to end, I still think you should go ahead and do something nice before she leaves. I think that is a great idea, something that she'll always remember.

Why the one white rose?

 

[nan3109]

Well, I'll attach a card to it , take the card of and read it to her. It will say "Although there may be a handful of beauties, there is only one I see as unique and special as thee..."

Handful of beauties = 11 red roses representing past g/f's , other girls

Unique and Special = 1 white rose, representing the one special enough for me to spend my life with

----------------------

I could throw in on more line to that verse but I dont think I'm ready "Although there may be a handful of beauties, there is only one I see as unique and special as thee, (Insert Full Name) will you marry me?"

 

[iqqi]

ddaaaaammmnnn... are you gonna propose? maybe you should leave out the "rest of my life" bit for now....

 

[nan3109]

Propose? I dont think so...

I'm not going to say what the flowers represent. Just that line from above in the quotations.

It all depends on how she responds. If shes overjoyed and smitten with me than maybe I'll tell her that "there is actually another line to the poem that I left out and I can't tell you the rest of it for 4 years. I'll only finish the poem if we're still together then" (after she grads. college)

 

[killerasp]

Originally posted by iqqi
ddaaaaammmnnn... are you gonna propose? maybe you should leave out the "rest of my life" bit for now....

i agree. does she feel the same way? being in love is one thing. being the one to spend the rest of your life with is another thing. saying that might give her the creeps.

i dont agree its destined to end. i just realized that my best friend has been with his girlfirnd for the last 4 years. They are both 4 hrs away from each other during the school year and nearby when they are not. There was alot of turmoil during the last year b/c things were getting rough b/c they were not together. We had many long discussions with each other about that. sometimes he would just pick up his things friday night and just visit her for the weekend out of the blue. im telling you, its gonna be ROUGH if you want to stay together. You must be very willing to negotiate with her.

But im glad to say that they are still together even through the trials and tribulations.

 

[tiburon]

MAN ILL DISAGREE

I Believe you should go ahead with your LTD because you believe you have a girl that truly loves you and you seem to be pretty in love aswell. All this people are going to tell you " i hate to brake it to you" or man "they dont last' but for some it does.

Now i dont know your girl but for in order for it to last she better be an amazing women and this could be a good test if you are thinking about marriage, which i do believe you are way too young!

But go ahead with it , better to fail than feel regrets for the rest of your life for turning your back on a women that you tought was the one! But you need to do some careful research and alot of learning in a short time! Evaluate this girl, and that said i mean with your blinders off. Really evaluate be rational. Now i think that the worst thing that could happen for two people that truly love each other is distance. Love feeds on contact! I think the holidays visits are just not going to cut it! and if you are doing this for more than one year..well I wish you the best of luck!
Myself i have experienced what you are going to go about trough and i will recommend to sit down one day by yourself and think about the following scenarios and factors that will play in before they actually kick you by surprise. As an example think of :

JEALOUSY( well ..this doesnt require explanation)
CALLING(You need to keep as much warmth and affection as possible)
CHALLENGE(how to be a challenge when you still need to call each other every DAY)
INTEREST( how to keep her interest in you and the relationship at a max)
AFFECTION AND CLOSENES(love wont survive without affection or closeness between the couple..maybe extra trips to see each other)
PARTIES( hey man many girls go wild in college)
ALCOHOL AND DRUGS ( if she does this thing with out you ..you are pretty much done..dump her)

and like this are many other factors you should really consider. Realize that by the time you are together forever you might feel so much resentment for each other that the LTD might not be healthy or worth it any longer.

My opinion is that i went throough an LTR+ LDR and even tough i dont regret it i wouldnt do it again! GOOD luck and if you need advice i will be more than glad to help you to the best of my abilities!

Tiburon.

Also..take it easy with the flowers and the poems ... it might be a bit risky ... she needs to feel you are a challenge all the time.

 

[nan3109]

TO TIRBURON:

So how do you think I should go about analyzing her and evaluating her as "the one"?

 

[killerasp]

Re: MAN ILL DISAGREE

Originally posted by tiburon

I never told him to break it off. Im just telling him from what ive seen that it doesnt work. For whatever reason it doesnt work, i dont know. only the girl/guy would know why it didnt work.

If i were in his shoes, id stay with her and try to make it work. Knowing that someone loved me as much as i loved her is a feeling that i have yet to experience. But apparently, he already knows what its like and should work to make it.

 

[becker]

tiburon gives some good insight into this situation. I think that the "interest" part that he mentions is the most difficult only because it tends to entail many of the other consideration he lists.

For example, seeing each other once a week or so, when you guys are in a committed relationship is much more difficult than if you were just dating other people. I feel that a more committed relationship requires more contact.

Next, using the telephone as the primary source of contact just plain sucks. I for one hate talking on the phone in the first place, and I remember my first year of college my GF was in H.S. while I went to college 2 hours away. She called me EVERY DAY, and I never called her because she always called me. She was obsessed with me, and I got an ear infection (literally) from holding a phone to my ear for like 3 hours a day. Sometimes there wasn't even anything to say, and she just wanted to be on the phone with me. What a joke. I guess what made it worse was that I never really felt we were compatible, but she insisted that we were.

Anyways, bottom line is that you'll see how much of a pain in the arse this will be, and how draining it will be on you mentally and physically, as well as financially (astonomical phone bills, let me tell ya!). Good luck though, I hope you keep us posted on how this all pans out, it will be interesting and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you...

 

[tiburon]

EVALUATING FOR THE ONE?

Ok i will give you my opinions but due understand compar to most men in this website i am very strcit about "the one". Also there is no way you can expect her to do one thing if you dont set the example, this is very important!

If she drinks without you or uses drugs...she aint the one..
If she says she loves you but doesnt treat you right with care and affection...she aint the one
If she says she loves you but takes you forgranted....she aint the one......
If she is looking foward to going to parties with out you she aint the one......
If you find yourself doing must of the work for the relationship to work.....she aint the one.
If all the bills are not split equally aswell as the burden of the relationship...she aint the one
If she ever kisses or cheats on you with another men...she aint the one
If she is not willing to put asmuch effort as you ..she aint the one..
If she doesnt see marrying you in the future.....she aint the one
If she lets herself to be doubt by arriving late, not calling, or lying..she aint the one.

This is just a small list of a huge things that can be called red Flags. Let me tell you that becker is right about the phone bill and this must be split equally between the both of you!

I believe that if you are willing to go into this LTD is because you might see yourself marrying her(if not forget about it), as your other needs why you might want to put up wit this can be satisfied a lot easier anywhere else. She must have the mindset about marrying you one day , or she is just going to replace you or use you as soon things get hard. The list is pretty strict but very true and this is why they are so hard , it requires sacrifice at a time where everyone is especially having fun. I suggest not to tell her about the list and how you are going to expect this out of her ( as a poor AFC did once after i gave him advice). You should had clearly stated all those things a long time ago and if you didnt i can suggest to see if she already fail this evaluation while you were together in those 9 months , and if she didnt to see if in college she still passes the evaluation. You always need to let her know your likes and dislikes early on the game such as this basic principles , because late in the game her mindset is unchangeable!


RULES OF RELATIONSHIPS

That link has good views on what i just said. Realize you need to had set the example early and if when you were together she already fail this evaluation ..then she aint the one. IF she didnt do it when you were near she aint doing it when you are apart!

Finally realize you needed to had set the example early in the relationship or this might be close to a lost case! Learn form it if anything and move one.

Tiburon

 

[nan3109]

Well, heres whats good about my LTR/LDR

1) Phone : She doesnt like to talk on the phone alot unless there is something to talk about. She hates calling when there's nothing to talk about.

2) Instant Messenger: She (and I) like the idea of speaking on the internet messenger instead of using the phone.

3) Once a Week: We'll see each other one the weekends, but I dunno how long that will last. I estimated it would cost 10.50$ of gas to go see her and drive back.

4)Contact: I've been away from her for over a week without phone contact and remained faithful and so has she (as far as she says / acts)