LTR going south after being too distant. Need advice ASAP.

[BuddingDon94]

Hey guys, first post here. I'll cut right to the chase.

I've been in a pretty successful LTR as of recently. We started off as friends, for the past few years, but have always been really flirty, and liked each other. We started dating 3 months ago and everything started off great. We both had a really high interest level, dates were light, fun, and adventurous, everything was perfect really. She was always doing favors, and nice things for me, and I showed my appreciation. Anyways, I'm a little too "distant" at times, because I'm always busy. I think that's healthy in a relationship, but, my girlfriend has depression sometimes, and took it the wrong way. She's now started to think that I don't care about her, and I made a few AFC mistakes, trying to show her otherwise. Since then, she has started acting distant as well, but she still cares a lot. She's put her walls up, to protect herself from getting hurt. Her interest level has dropped because of it.

Normally I would drop things, and let it go, but, this is the only relationship I've been in, where I've seen marriage potential. I'm not getting caught up, but I see her as the one for me. I'm capable of getting other women, but I don't want to. Any advice, on shifting the power back on my side, while showing her I care about her?

 

[TheCWord]

She has depression ---> crazy ----> don't put d1ck in crazy.
And there could be another guy.

Hey PPF, I like a lot of your posts but I didn't like anything about your reply.

I know both women and men who struggle with depression. "Crazy" would not be the right choice of word. If you look around this forum, a lot of the men here appear to be depressed.

Also, there was nothing in OP's post that screamed out to me that there could be another guy. SoSuave can be a little c*ck carousel trigger happy.

 

[Nickface]

I'm not sure your throwing around the word depression casually or not. That's a serious illness. If that's the case, then your screwed already. You literally can't help someone out of that. It's a issues that has to be worked out from the inside of that person, believe me.

That being said, you sound really young. I assume your about 20 or so, the word marriage should never come out of your mouth my man. No chick is marriage potential and get use that right now. I don't care how much you like this girl. I'd be willing to put my life savings there's better options out there for you.

I think you have to talk this one out with her. I don't see anyway to solve this through actions. Have one of those heart to hearts and evaluate this after that, if shes into you like you make it sound, she will tell you everything you need to know...

 

[ludis]

Sounds like a big ol' power grab to me, my friend. An elaborate sh|t test that made you fold.

No shame in it, although if you feel that you constantly have to fight for the integrity of your frame, then maybe she needs a reminder, like say, that you can walk away anytime.

Also, There is no One.

 

[TheCWord]

I'm not sure your throwing around the word depression casually or not. That's a serious illness.

True, the word gets thrown around too easily. I'm guilty of that myself in my last post referring to SS members as depressed.

I think what most people mistake for depression is usually low self esteem, low energy, and even some general existential conundrums.

When people say, "I'm depressed" or "he or she is depressed" we should remember this: actual depressed people can't get out of bed, can't leave the house, have thoughts of suicide, and are generally not pro-active in solving their issues. If you can function, you're probably not depressed.

Apologies to the OP, I don't mean to sidetrack the discussion.

 

[Nickface]

True, the word gets thrown around too easily. I'm guilty of that myself in my last post referring to SS members as depressed.

I think what most people mistake for depression is usually low self esteem, low energy, and even some general existential conundrums.

When people say, "I'm depressed" or "he or she is depressed" we should remember this: actual depressed people can't get out of bed, can't leave the house, have thoughts of suicide, etc.

Apologies to the OP, I don't mean to sidetrack the discussion.

Good post and well received. I also didn't mean to make it a story within itself on this thread but your right!

 

[SmooveMooves]

She said she felt like you didn't care you responded by trying to "prove" you did. Bad choice, but its not doomsday. If she's acting distant, you match her distance. Behave nonchalant, indifferent, and aloof and she should get kick into gear. Also, learn what competitive anxiety is, as that would help as well.

If you do these things and she does not get her ass in shape, she has reach the PONR ( Point of no return) in which her interest level has plummeted way to low and would be unethical ( STOOPID) to continue to pursue a relationship. In which you have to do the tough task of NEXTING.

And for future reference, if a woman says "I don't feel like you care about me" You simply respond by saying "I do care about you" and thats it. If she continues to b1tch, you ignore.

And for future future reference. One must balance Attention/Attraction/Rapport for a healthy relationship.To much attention and your a pandering puss, to little and your girl will get attention needs from another man. You were on the to little spectrum. You gotta make sure attention is balanced slightly leaning on the to little side.

-Smoove

 

[balance33]

She has depression ---> crazy ----> don't put d1ck in crazy.
And there could be another guy.

Depression is very common and is not "crazy."

 

[Lotus Effect]

Awesome Reply from Smoove. Read it over OP.

Also, I'd like to add that we tend to see things where in fact there is nothing there.

What I mean with this is, you believed she was Marriage Material. Guess what now mate? She ain't!

A Wife material chick must not pull out this kind of sh*t so early on in the relationship. So yes, you can still pull all of this so called tactics to get her IL high again. But even if it works, you got to ask yourself:

If she is pulling this act so soon, what kind of sh*t can she pull out later?

This, of course, only in the case where she comes back to you! Which normally, do not occour!

Cheers mate!

 

[donking]

This is what we learned in med school re: depression. Need 5 out of 8.


S leep changes: increase during day or decreased sleep at night
I nterest (loss): of interest in activities that used to interest them
G uilt (worthless): depressed elderly tend to devalue themselves

E nergy (lack): common presenting symptom (fatigue)

C ognition/C oncentration: reduced cognition &/or difficulty concentrating
A ppetite (wt. loss); usually declined, occasionally increased
P sychomotor: agitation (anxiety) or retardations (lethargic)
S uicide/death preocp.

 

[Jaylan]

If your gf suffers from depression she needs help. She needs to become emotionally healthy before she can truly have a healthy relationship. You being distant doesnt help. Girls like her need to get some help first, and usually need attentive boyfriends too.

Personally, from what Ive seen and experienced, once those walls go up, things wont get better. I say its better to be a good friend to her for now. I dont think the relationship is gonna get better if shes already shutting you out.

 

[IndeedSir]

Depression is a serious illness. It's mostly a result of a neurological chemical imbalance which often results from genetic disposition, diet, lack of exercise, alcohol and drug abuse and more. It can still be real depression even if you're functioning as it's often a cyclical illness, you go through periods of ease that are usually followed by massive down periods where you can't get out of bed or do anything because you really don't see the point. I know because I've struggled with it for a decade.

What others have said about your ability to help is correct. You can not help someone with depression if they don't want to help themselves. That's not to say you shouldn't try, but don't get caught up trying to fix her. You can only aid it if she wants. Chances are, she probably just wants to be alone with a bottle of wine.

Good luck.

 

[JoeMarron]

She has depression ---> crazy ----> don't put d1ck in crazy.

This. I don't know why dudes are flipping out over it. Ok..crazy may not be the right word but the result is the same. Her mind is fvcked up atm an there's nothing you can do about it. Emotionally stable women will always be better relationship material.

 

[TheCWord]

don't get caught up trying to fix her.

Can I add on to this, IndeedSir: if OP has his own issues, then it's even more important for him to avoid going full-on white knight with this girl. (Not to assume you do, OP, but a lot of guys visit self help forums like this cause they're trying to work something out).

As we always preach here, you've got to be working on yourself. Not to say you can't be a good guy and support your girl when she's going through difficult times, but if it becomes an all-consuming effort - which I imagine dating a depressed person would be like - then the relationship's just not going to be healthy for you.

 

[fieryheart]

If a girl likes you, she will go for you. Dont let your mind fool you for it is vain and it will show you what you want to see. Actions before words, take her out to dinner, act courteous etc, if she still acts like a btch, drop her. Dont waste your time on one girl, and you shouldnt. Very worst case scenario, if she sees you with another girl, it will renew her feelings of trying to win you back.

To put it lightly, women are like dogs, when they do something good, you reward them, when they do something bad, withdraw you affection, attention and time. Positive conditioning, let it rule your life.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Hey PPF, I like a lot of your posts but I didn't like anything about your reply.

I know both women and men who struggle with depression. "Crazy" would not be the right choice of word. If you look around this forum, a lot of the men here appear to be depressed.

Also, there was nothing in OP's post that screamed out to me that there could be another guy. SoSuave can be a little c*ck carousel trigger happy.

I

I'm not sure how to give a rep, but this follow up is an example of someone that I bet has his sh*t together in the real world.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I'm not sure how to give a rep, but this follow up is an example of someone that I bet has his sh*t together in the real world.

Hey mate!

To give a post some reputation, you just click on the little scale icon on the left side of the post.

It is located way under the username of the person who made the post, between the icon which shows if said user is online (Green Ball) or offline (Gray Ball) and a white and red sign, with an exclamation mark inside of it!

Completely off topic, I know! Sorry bout this everyone!