LTR do I want out? Common bored and curious problem

[Tom Stall]

So i'm 23, in a 4 yr relationship and not sure if i want out or not, she is my first gf and first person i had sex with

I'm actually a long time forum member but I had to change my username in case i got identified in real life.

What happened was that I have been going out at night, going to bars, nightclubs, drinking, dancing and such alot with my male friend who is single. I've had more sucess than him at these clubs, always getting 2 numbers a night, always get dances, and about half the girls I call back are interested, but i can't and won't do anything with these girls because I'm in a LTR. (and just to brag, all the girls i choose are hot). I guess the reason why I even try to pick up these girls in the first place is for my ego boost. I'm tall, been told that i'm good looking, future doctor.

It is really fun going out every Fri or Sat night, picking up women, calling them back, meeting up, possible sex. But my current girlfriend seems perfect for me. Our personalites gel really well, we get along really well, can talk all the time, none of that awkward silence stuff, even after 4 yrs, makes me somewhat happy, we never fight. But the key thing is, I'm not feeling like I LOVE her anymore. I used to have this feelig of love deep down, but for the past year-ish, its just not there and i cant put my finger on it.

Maybe I'm just curious about what is out there you know, my gf is hot, but not as hot anymore to me after so long. And it is not even about the sex, I don't crave or need sex, unlike my single friend. I know this is a common problem. I've been entertaining the thought of breaking it off, but it has been so long.

There was a 6 month boredom period with my gf too, but i pushed through that and here we are. Is there a 4 yr boredom period i need to push throught?

I was thinking, would i be happier alone and chasing women, and risk not being with anybody for an unknown period of time, or would i be happier staying in my relationship. We don't go out clubbing or drinking at night, the weekend consists of dinner with friends, movies, seeing friends at their houses, sport every week. Playing house basically. I pretty much live with her, see her everyday, and every night its just TV, like a married couple, but we have sex all the time.

My mate broke up with his first LTR gf of 4 yrs recently, havn't talked to him about it yet. but he's rich, but been single and dating for 2 years now. Don't know if he's happy.

Anybody here with experience on the matter?

Cheers fellas

 

[x86]

For LTR advice you have probably come to the wrong place. I have a simple question for you though to think about.

Are you being boring?

The mistake when my LTR broke it off with me is I became boring. I never suggested going on trips places, I never created any adventures, I never challenged her on anything, etc. I became a AFC and at the same time I was bored and boring.

Do not make my mistake..ever.

Whatever you choose make sure it's for you and not for her.

 

[Stéphane]

Honestly if you found a good girl you should stick with her. The LOVE feeling doesn't last forever and been into a LTR is about commitment and getting past that.

It is about going through life together, and setting goals with each other. While it may be fun to bang other chicks for a while, and chase girls. It seems to me that you might be trying to fill an empty void with your relationship, and when that void isn't filled you wonder why.

You need to find true hobbies that you enjoy and bring self fulfillment in life. You're not the only one I think a lot of us are on the same boat.

 

[bukowski_merit]

For LTR advice you have probably come to the wrong place

I would say all that. There's plenty of advice given on LTR and girlfriend/boyfriend conflicts here.

You say 3 years in? That's about a year more than a recent article published suggested the time people stay in a "lusting" period during LTRs.

that's also about enough time for you to meet a woman, impregnate her, and make sure the baby is healthy and safe for a couple of years....

biologically, that's all the human species needs for survival...

you're asking a question that you already know the truth too.... if you're not feeling the passion anymore... if you're not feeling vibes of loves from her touch... if you're lusting other women, and even for a second considering dipping in their pool - - - then, i think the answer is clear...

it's just - are you willing to hurt her in the name of moving on to the next one? that's the problem guys have the hardest time with when they know something is over... it's not so much the decision that's hard... just swallowing the vision of the consequence on her...

 

[Captain]

Honestly if you found a good girl you should stick with her. The LOVE feeling doesn't last forever and been into a LTR is about commitment and getting past that.

That's society speaking.

The "honeymoon" feeling fades and you are left with commitment.

What you need to decide is whether or not it's worth staying in a relationship if it doesn't get your blood pumping.

 

[kyokon]

sounds to me like you should stay where you are, i just have one idea: try turning the farking tv off

 

[Slickster]

I've been in your position many times.

The times I stayed with my gf I slowly became more and more bored until I eventually left her.

The gf's that I left out of boredom were all great girls too. Some of them I still wonder about "what if". Others it took me being apart from them to realize that we weren't right together.

Funny thing is after you break up you'll go thru a period where you are excited to see other girls. Sometimes you'll hook up with a new girl and in the morning you'll be missing your ex. There will also be tough times too where a new chick burns you and then you'll really miss your ex.

It's not a question that anyone here will be able to give you the right answer to.

In general at 23 it's a little early to be settling down with one chick. You would probably be very unhappy at say 27 being with only one girl.

I think you need to get out there and experience more women before you will know who is right for you.

If she was your first though she will always be special to you so make sure you breakup nice

 

[Ziniath]

It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind, brother. Why else would you be going out, meeting other women and exploring that territory?

If you were truly settled in your relationship, you may THINK about doing those sorts of things from time to time, but you wouldn't take it as far as you have.

Does your gf know you've been doing any of this?

Put the shoe on the other foot. It sounds to me the only reason you aren't leaving this relationship is because you're afraid of the unknown (my interpretation of your words, of course).

Would you want to be with a woman that was only staying with you because she was afraid of being single?

If you respect this woman, you have two choices: leave her and allow her to find somebody that will be able to give her the respect and presence she deserves,

OR

Man up, and stick to your commitment in the relationship by not going out and seeing/almost hooking up with other women.

If the shoe were on the other foot; if you'd come in here saying "hey, is this weird, my gf goes out with her single friends, and she gets dude's phone numbers, and meets up with them, but stops before it leads to sex" we'd all be crying that she was an outrageous ***** and you should "next" her.

This is an area of your life where you need to take some responsibility and perhaps make a tough decision.

My advice, as somebody who's been there: for the sake of your dignity and hers, make a choice either way, and stick with it. The longer you hang in limbo, the more this situation will deteriorate, the more both of you will get hurt (no amount of hot ***** will drown the sad feelings afterwards, I promise), and the lesson will sting you more then than it would have had you been real about this in the first place.

I offer my words from a place of respect, my friend. I wish somebody had said to me what I've written for you when I went through almost exactly the same dilemna.

Sometimes it takes more balls to break it off .

 

[zekko]

I was thinking, would i be happier alone and chasing women, and risk not being with anybody for an unknown period of time, or would i be happier staying in my relationship.

Ultimately you are the one who is going to have to answer that question, so I would weigh the pros and cons before making your decision. A few things jump out at me though:

You're 23. So I guess you got involved with your LTR when you were 19. That's pretty young to get tied down to one person for life, although there are people who do it successfully. If you haven't had much experience you don't really know what's out there (good and bad).

Your girl sounds like a keeper, and keeper type girls don't grow on trees. Even though you're bored, I bet if you break up with her you're going to be hurting over it, maybe more than she will be. But you're a future doctor, so you will most likely always have a lot of options. But are you willing to hurt her over this? If you really want out, better now than after being married for five years.

Sounds like you're already cheating on her, emotionally if not physically. Getting numbers and calling them up with no intention of following through? What is the point of that, just to stroke your ego and see what you could be getting?

At some point in any LTR, the novelty is going to wear off. If you're bored, but still like the girl, it can help to find interesting things to do. Sounds like you're as bored with the lifestyle as with the girl.

Would you really enjoy being alone and chasing women?

 

[Prodigy746]

There is a reason why there is a saying "No matter how hot she is....someone somewhere is sick of flucking her...

I guess you are that person.

I dont think anyone here can tell you what to do. You need to think about it and decide on what to do.

Personally if I found a great girl with great personality than i would stick w her. There are not many girls out there with great personalities.... TRUST ME

 

[lordson]

sounds like a common problem

 

[Tom Stall]

Thanks for replies guys,

She is madly in love with me and wants to stay with me forever, and for a while i felt the same. but soon after i started going out with my mates then these feelings of what it would be like with other women came up

like i said, i dont need or crave sex, for me it just enjoyable to look at and dance with and touch girls up close

i saw a couple of the girls i called back and the early repore was still there, but these girls turned out to be f'ing crazy. they weren't good on paper,and were bit of damaged goods.

so you guys are right, my girl is a keeper, and good girls are hard to come by. It is hard to know whether i would be happier being a single guy or staying with my girl (for the rest of my life), unless it actually happens

i had decided to stay with my girl a few weeks back, i have been happy being with her and spending time with her. i should make that commitment, i mean we do make a great couple

i think it was just the thrill of being with new and different girls i was attracted to. i guess like a lion, i miss the chase.

any other guys been through this?

cheers fellas

 

[Tom Stall]

small bump

so i went out again this weekend, and i danced and grinded with two girls, and had another girl interested

i didn't bother to get their numbers this time

man i love going out and being the single guy!

what i enjoy most, as stated earlier, is experiencing many new and different girls. the furthest physically i can get without feeling too guilty is the grind and grope at the clubs

but i was thinking the other night, i would never find another girl as suited, right and perfect for me to live with and be with forever than my LTR. but i also really enjoy the thrill of the chase and all the women i seem to pull

so i think ill stay in my LTR, and occasionally treat myself to going out and pulling girls

 

[zekko]

what i enjoy most, as stated earlier, is experiencing many new and different girls. the furthest physically i can get without feeling too guilty is the grind and grope at the clubs

Sounds like you are playing right on the edge. The temptation may get to you at some point. I agree that a good keeper girl is worth a bunch of crazy drunk girls in a club, so it sounds like you made the right decision, at least for now. Still, I have a feeling you are going to be struggling with this for a long time.

I don't particularly care for the whole dating/club/pickup game so much myself. I do miss the excitement sometimes, but overall I don't find it to be that much fun.

I have a nice LTR myself, but I do like to still interact with other girls and maybe get some attraction going. The question is where do you draw the line? I don't go anywhere near so far as you do. But I have several friends who are married and they are huge, shameless flirts when it comes to dealiing with other women. They practically do the dancing monkey thing begging for attention. I suppose they want the validation that they're still attractive even though they're married (I guess we all do). I don't think these guys would ever mess around on their wives, but they take it to a farther extreme than I am comfortable with.

 

[SmoothTalker]

You're really pushing it with what you are doing behind your girl's back man...

Ask the typical question, would you be okay with her doing the same?

I mean it's good that you still 'have it' and it might even benefit her a bit to know other women want you, but frankly I think you're getting a bit too physical with the other girls. Unless you think your girl might be open to being a bit more wild as in, threesomes, you should really watch yourself.

As for the boredom problem, I think there's two kinds in the relationship. There is the kind that is your fault, and the other kind.

When you are with somebody a long time, you relax, stop putting in the effort, and just get boring. This is why you basically just watch tv every day with your girl. If YOU make things more interesting by actually doing fun exciting stuff with her again, this can be fixed.

The other kind of boring is worse. It's where you try to keep it fun and interesting, and she's just boring as hell and is never up for anything. In that case, I'd probably leave.

 

[tafakna]

Been there, done that, and I'm still don't have the answer you're looking for (was it worth it or not). I've dated a high school sweetheart for 7 1/2 years, after deciding to party Charlie Harper style.

I have ZERO regrets in getting my break and enjoying my life, but I'm honestly not sure if I should have gone back after a while (up until her wedding she was saying that if I appeared she wouldn't go through with it).

It has been a wild ride, lots of success, some pain as well (which was a wonderful opportunity to grow).

So if you want my advice:

1) Be honest and upfront that you need some time for you

2) Leave the door open

You don't want to feel guilty and you don't want to make a permanent decision yet.

It will hurt a bit, specially if you care about her. It's hard not to feel guilty but at least by keeping things honest, it will be a bit easier.

Think a long time before making the choice, mate.

 

[Iceberg]

I'm in the same boat as you, except I'm 29. So I partied it up between the ages of 20 and 27 or 28.

My girl is pretty great, and all my partying taught me that finding a sweet, chill woman is more valuable than putting another notch in my belt with some skizzank.

Problem with you is, you're starting to get that addiction to the club scene. It's a hard life to get away from. And you're young, so it's in your blood to go out and chase skirts. I've seen (or heard of) couples that stayed together throughout their entire youth and it worked out. Seems like you want a little variety in your life though. You just gotta weigh out how important it is to experience other women vs. the importance of your girl now.

But honestly, to this day, it's hard to walk around bars looking at these chicks like, "I could bang that one. I could bang this one." But at the end of the day, the peace I get from being with a good girl kinda outweighs the quick thrills from club chicks. But just to be safe...I try to avoid the clubs. Too much temptation.