LTR and jealousy

[DFG]

Hi guys,

Long time lurker and now finally a poster; I can't tell you how helpful these forums have been in striving to improve one's entire life, not just with women.

The crux of the matter (for those who can't be bothered to read the rest ;p); how is it best to manage/counter jealousy and related feelings when you feel you're being tested? Whilst I have what I would consider a great relationship with my gf (nearly 1.5 years) I've felt there are times when she will try to test me. Sometimes it's the referencing of ex's and forcing them up in conversation. A few times it has been attention seeking comments to my buddies knowing I'll see/hear it. Another time she made a big deal out of getting drunk with my buddies when I couldn't go. Now I've been invited to a party with her friends where her ex will probably be attending too. She's tried to do this a few times before but I've passed it up/been busy. Based purely on my gut from past experiences, I feel like I'm going to be a pawn in a "I've moved on" game with her or perhaps both of them.

My reactions with this have been varied; Speaking objectively I think they have been less and less controlled. I've done non-reactant more so early on as I felt she was trying to test my mettle and I must say I found it easier then. As time has gone by, looking back I've been passive-aggressive, simply expressed my dislike for her actions and full-blown angry.

Every time though (bar outwardly not reacting), there is a huge argument and denials. It always get resolved but it's normally just a matter of time before it happens again. Despite these huge arguments, she is very enamoured with me.

Honestly speaking, I feel like I'm getting weaker with it and more bothered. Perhaps this is because I have unrealistic expectations, that perhaps in my head I'm thinking surely I've proven enough to stop this kind of testing, as I treat her well physically/emotionally/sexually, stand up for myself, strive to better myself in all aspects and don't make attempts to make her jealous. Perhaps I need to chill out more. I'm not sure; it's hard to strike a balance between respecting yourself and how you are treated and not being too serious in life. It's something I am still working through but that can only be found with experience.

Guys, if you can give me any constructive help/advice/insight I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

"Listen, your behaviour is pissing me off. What you're doing is making me feel x,y,z and I don't want that and wouldn't make you feel that way. I avoid doing things I KNOW would do that, I've brought up how it makes me feel so now you know what you should avoid."

If the girl raised argument at this point I'd calmly tell her this is how I feel and reiterate she can stop. If the girl raised argument at this point I'd calmly walk away.

 

[AllJackedUp]

You seem to be forgetting that YOU'RE the prize, not her. As for her getting drunk with your buddies... uhhhh WTF? That's why I don't let my girlfriend hang out with my bros. I don't even let her come around when they're around because I can't tell you how many times I've had "friends" flirt and attempt to seduce my girlfriend. Of course they claimed they were just joking but we all know they weren't. If she wants to hang out with people, she can hang out with her friends, not yours. As for her ex, **** him. Don't let her play with your emotions. It sounds like she's trying to get a reaction out of you. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME. She's controlling you without you even realizing it. Anytime you feel like you're about to get pissed off, you just have to remember that there are other girls out there that are hotter than her. You should always have options my friend.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

She is a very disrespectful girl. Check her on that sh!t and kick her to the curb.

 

[DFG]

Thanks guys; that's all food for thought. You're right AJU about the being controlled without even realizing. I've been too overwhelmed by my own emotional reaction to get the perspective on it that I need. I'm all ears to any more wisdom and advice.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

I can tell she is used to disrespecting you. It's the "norm". Nothing you can really do about it and man up. When you do man up and check her on her bullsh!t she will think that your wrong and go ahead and still disrespect you regardless. You then will have to break up with her and remember that you must set up a framework and boundaries for a relationship early.

You know what you need to do. You don't need to come on a forum to rant about it.

 

[DFG]

I hear you AJ. Thanks for the candidness.

 

[maylenedizon]

You then will have to break up with her and remember that you must set up a framework and boundaries for a relationship early.

 

[DFG]

I take it you meant to quote AJ. I'm learning it's about spotting the red flags and dealing with them early on. Thing is I've always called her out on them where I've deemed it unacceptable (aside from early on in the relationship with just being non-reactive to other guy stories etc). I guess it must be insecurity on her part that brings it up; a subconcious need to test me and/or make drama.

 

[tafakna]

Every time though (bar outwardly not reacting), there is a huge argument and denials.

Honestly speaking, I feel like I'm getting weaker with it and more bothered.

and don't make attempts to make her jealous.

Of course you're getting weaker. Anyone that blows-up when being tested will get weaker. It shows lack of confidence, lack of emotional stability and insecurity.

The Polyanna technique of 'let's pretend all is well' will not help.

The best tactic here is to employ the old 'an eye for an eye'. Do the same thing she's doing but better. If she's flirting around, do the same. Don't say anything, don't argue, and if she brings up the subject just act aloof like she's crazy 'what do you mean I was flirting... I was just talking...'...

She's getting you to act jealous to feel secure about your feelings. Stop that right away.

Bottom line is your acting like after a few months in a relationship you can drop all tests, power struggles and games... That's NOT real life...

Good luck...

 

[Don Wha]

Interesting thoughts on here. I was recently in a similar situation as you. I was with my girl for a year. Strong frame and had her IL through the roof. I knew she had orbiters that she kept at bay. There was one in particular that I noticed contacted her more and more and she seemed receptive to it. I kept my cool and acted indifferent. It continued and really started to irk me. I didnt want to play the "eye for an eye" card, just because that's not how I roll.

One day I talked to her about it and told her I understand that when I date a good looking chick, there are gonna be guys that are going to want to get into her panties. It doesnt really bother me that guys are trying to do that. But what does bother me is how she responds to them and continues to play games with them when in a relationship with me. I told her that it was disrespectful and if she wanted to continue to play her games with her guy friends, she is more than welcomed to do so. Just w/o me in the picture. She understood where I was coming from and admired my words.

Things got better for a few months. Then picked up where they left off again. I probably shoulda dropped her then and never looked back but I played it cool and indifferent again. Things continued and we have our talk again. She apologizes, she loves me and only wants to be with me, blah blah blah. I forgive her and things get better again. But after a few weeks, they continue on as before.


At that point, I had to leave her. As much as I loved her and as much as I felt she loved me, I knew that things were going downhill. It pains me, but it was just something that had to be done.

Through the whole ordeal, I've learned to always stay true to myself. Know my worth and dont take disrespect from others. Women have their orbiters and they can play their games. One thing that they cant ever have over us is the power to walk away.