Loving and letting go. Help please.

[LiveYourDream]

My father feels his heart failing (it is) and anticipates passing soon. My mother and step mother have health challenges and transitions approaching as well.

Feeling the approach of death upon a loved one (or the transition of any loving relationship without death, i.e. divorce), and knowing you can not stop it, is a feeling of powerlessness/helplessness like no other I have known. I experienced it with my brother's transition as well (and in a way with the ending of my marriage as well.) As much as I know I need to let go, my heart resists. I still grasp and want to bargain for a pause or rewind button to share more good times and loving together, before they go/before life changes.

Feeling unable to fit all the love you feel for someone, in the days and moments you still have left with them, feels heartbreaking.

How does one love fully and truly let go, at the same time?

What comes to me now while typing this is... having gratitude for all that has been and is still shared, and that letting go is loving.

Each of three are at peace with their own impending transitions. I am doing my best to catch-up with their peace. I feel the inevitability of their transitions more than ever. I am grateful for the heads-up so that nothing is unsaid or unresolved between us. I love them immensely. They love me immensely. Love pervades all. (It was not always that way. Not even close. With great intent and great effort, came amazing and loving relationships.) I am so grateful.

Still (and understandably so), I feel challenged, overwhelmed, inadequate, and far from peaceful

Help please.

TL;DR Bold above

 

[SkrooU]

My father feels his heart failing (it is) and anticipates passing soon. My mother and step mother have health challenges and transitions approaching as well.

Feeling the approach of death upon a loved one (or the transition of any loving relationship without death, i.e. divorce), and knowing you can not stop it, is a feeling of powerlessness/helplessness like no other I have known. As much as I know I need to let go, my heart resists. I still grasp and want to bargain for a pause or rewind button to share more good times together before they go.

Feeling unable to fit all the love you feel for someone, in the days and moments you still have left with them, feels heartbreaking.

How does one love fully and truly let go, at the same time?

What comes to me now is... having gratitude for all that has been and is still shared, and that letting go is loving.

Each of three are at peace with their own impending transitions. I am doing my best to catch-up with their peace. I feel the inevitability of their transitions more than ever. I am grateful for the heads-up so that nothing is unsaid or unresolved between us. I love them immensely. They love me. Love pervades all. (It was not always that way. Not even close. With great intent and great effort, came great results.) I am so grateful.

Still (and understandably so), I feel challenged, overwhelmed, inadequate, and far from peaceful

Help please.

TL;DR Bold above

Letting go unfortunately means accepting that you will no longer have an outlet for the love you feel for someone. You will not be able to see them smile when you hug them, hear them thank you for calling them. This is a pain that will gradually fade in the sense that it will not interfere with happiness you find in other parts of your life. But taking the time to reflect on it will always hurt. I still cannot open the photo album of my late wife or it will be as if she just died today. But it is no longer on my mind in such a debilitating manner. The best thing that came out of all this is that I truly remember to appreciate those who are in my life now. And I am much more forgiving and patient with people whom I do not even know well because I do not know what they're going through. My parents are approaching that age where it is sad to see the last traces of youth vanish from their faces and bodies. I see them now as people who need me, not me needing them. The feeling of helplessness and inadequacy I fear will return soon. But I know there is my own time at some point in the future. And I will try to be with them when they need me. That is the only role we can play. And they know this. It is all they want from us. And if you do that, then you are more than adequate.

 

[ZTIME]

So sorry that you have to go through this. Every poster has or will have to deal with the same situation. Sadly there is no simple answer to letting go. Or if you are in fact letting go of anything.

In my time I've seen a lot of life cycles come to an end. Some longer some shorter. None of them were easy, but all made me stronger.

LYD.................. I'll share a story here for you. It will help me to reflect on the past for a bit, and hopefully you'll find some peace in what you read.

At the age of 3 my mother tried to kill me. She was very sick and extremely crazy. She was put into a psychiatric facility, and the state put myself and my sisters into an orphanage.

My grandmother decided to take custody of the girls, but felt she couldn't handle a boy. She left me there. After receiving a call a year later that I had not been adopted she came back for me.

This lady at 65 years of age decided to raise her grand children as her own. She wasn't wealthy, she worked as a waitress. We struggled financially, often having no hot water or heat. But we made it.

We were fed when she couldn't eat. We were disiplined and taught the right way to live. That woman gave every ounce of her life to make sure that we became good humans. I'm largely who I am today because of her.

Sadly, at about 80 she started to develop dimentia and needed to be placed in assisted living. I tried to visit as often as I could but with my career the visits kept getting further apart.

At 83 she was put into ICU as her lungs were filling with fluid. She was dying. They couldn't stop it. My sisters were far away so I handled this on my own.

For 3 days I sat by that bed. I didn't eat, I didn't leave, and slept as little as I could. I felt that I needed every last second. I felt I owed her that. How foolish I was...........On her death bed she left me with her final gift.

What was it that I was so afraid to let go of? Did I need this frail 83 year old lady to help me any more? Did I need her to suffer for a few more years to act as my security blanket? Did I need to thank her one final time for what she had done for me? Did I regret not spending enough time with her?......... All of these questions were infecting my brain.

Out of love that lady gave all that she could. I didn't need her anymore because she taught me to stand on my own.

She wouldn't want me to spend all of my free time with her because she taught me to use that time to succeed.

She wouldn't want a thank you from me, no she would have required action and result. She understood "return on investment".

In me there is no fear of letting go.......there's a fear of letting her down or letting her teachings die.

You see, she gave lots of her life to assure I had a great life of my own...........A debt I can never repay her. She made that choice out of love.

My love in return to her is to give back to others in need. To teach them the fundamentals of life as they were taught to me.

You see? She will never die and I never had to let go. She lives in me and in all of the the people who I can share the same love she shared with me. She is eternal.

Be blessed little sister, and thanks for taking the time to read the post.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Help please.

The last thing my dad every said to me, over the phone was, "I remember you."

He'd had a mini stroke and was in the last stages of cancer. He died a few days later.

I spent a lot of quality time with him in the last few months of his life. I still hear his voice in my head sometimes, giving me advice. Things that he said to me back in high school would just pop in at the oddest times.

Sometimes I'd see a movie and I'd think "I'd bet my dad would get a kick out of this," to myself.

The memories of your loved ones will ALWAYS be with you. They'll pop up a the oddest times. You'll find a way to share experiences with them LONG after their gone.

The transition, from them being here to them not being her, sucks. Abso-fvcking-lutely sucks. No way around it.

But it is NOT the end of your relationship with them. It is only changing. Trust that it will happen.

I still feel a strong relationship with my dad, even ten+ years after his passing.

So will you.

 

[guru1000]

I wake up and fall asleep every night with three words that echo in my mind: "Win, son ... Win." Those are the last three words that I remember, as the loss of my entire family was sudden, immediate, and drastic.

No greater motivation have I ever embraced than those three words. All fears fall by the wayside. All challenges disintegrate. No melancholy. No yearning for lost causes. Just a straightforward, purposeful, fearless approach to the world.

And with every thought of these words, chills run down the back of my head, down my spine, with skin immersed in goosebumps, I resonate at a higher frequency. I have been truly blessed. As will you.

This is what I meant in the other thread, when I say they live in you. The physical form disappears; but its energy evolves into something much greater.

 

[Tenacity]

Praying for you LYD.

I don't believe you need to "let go" of anything. I believe in an afterlife. We all have to pass away from this Earth one day, but it's what you leave beyond that counts. Your Father left behind a great legacy (for example, look how great you turned out LYD) and it's your job to continue what your Father started by also leaving behind a great legacy.

Love your Father forever and know that this isn't goodbye.....it's see you later.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

One Sunday in 2014, I bought my father a gift. A new cell phone. It was a $55 toy, nothing to write home about, but his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree because the phone he had was tiny, cracked and falling apart. But he never upgraded because he was a very simple man. He opened the phone, and went to work, and showed all his coworkers his new phone like it were a winning lotto ticket.

Two days later, he died of a heart attack. On his 56th birthday. The phone was a birthday present, and something told me to give it to him two days early. We recovered the phone and the card I gave him with it. I have since given the phone away as it was too traumatic to keep at the time, and knowing him he would have wanted some little kid to have some joy with his old smartphone. But I kept the card I gave him the day he died and still have it.

No goodbyes, no I'm proud of you's, I just woke up one day feeling like I was missing one leg. This is the last memory I have of my father. I remember this and the last good deed he did for anyone about a week prior, when he got my struggling friend a job at his factory that paid him double what he was making before.

I will never get to ask him what specifically I could have done to make him proud. And I live with it every single day. The point is, you learn to live with it because what other choice do we have? But we all have felt or will feel what you feel. Every living thing in the universe suffers and dies. It's not fair, but the moment we accept suffering is the moment we suffer less.

In the mean time, we are all thinking of you.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Lots of good input here so I wont bore anyone with another one. I will say that in my life, going to funerals of people I am close to really hurts a lot from the heartache. I hate that feeling. I also hate the feeling knowing I'm going to have to live with it the rest of my life. I'm sure everyone feels this way.

When I was younger though I wondered if family members felt that way when they were on their deathbed. I dont know if they were scared or not as I was never there for those last moments; I was too young at the time anyway. What I do know is that one of these days, I may be an old man on my deathbed and one thing I will be glad about is that I won't have to deal with that heartache anymore upon my passing. Finally! Someone else gets to deal with it and I dont have to worry about it anymore. I'm willing to bet some other people probably feel that way too.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

What I do know is that one of these days, I may be an old man on my deathbed and one thing I will be glad about is that I won't have to deal with that heartache anymore upon my passing. Finally! Someone else gets to deal with it and I dont have to worry about it anymore. I'm willing to bet some other people probably feel that way too.

Yes. I've felt this way too. The pain of losing my father, grandmother, and more to come in the future seems unbearable should it never go away. But it will go away when my time comes.

Whether you're a believer or not, understand no matter what you will one day be liberated from all the pain that exists in this world. Believers think there's a plan. I'm an unbeliever, so while I don't believe in an afterlife I know that one day I will lose consciousness and awareness. And the heartache will go with it.

 

[snowfall]

Lost my dad last year. Take good care of yourself and try not to overthink, enjoy them.
I didn't anticipate the exhaustion of it all even when everyone's "prepared".
Their energy really does live on.

 

[Dingo]

Nothing much I can add.

Sending you positive thoughts....

Take care.

 

[penkitten]

I am so sorry that this is happening and I will be thinking of you and praying for you to have strength. I lost my father 14 years ago, when he was 53 and I was 25. I don't know how you personally feel, but I know what I felt. If you ever need a shoulder, I am here.

 

[Once Bitten]

Glad you now have good relationships with them. This is important, for you and them.
Cherish them while you can, be happy and make them happy in your presence.
Sorry to hear of your news...I've lost all my grandparents, they lived long lives. For some reason, the last one, who was the least close to me of any of them, hurt the most. It's because we're not getting any younger.
The feelings of loss will pass in time. Surprisingly in less time than a lost relationship partner. (Divorce, etc.). Because you know death is a natural part of life. Find things and friends that make you happy. You'll always have the fond memories. This always helps.

 

[Desdinova]

LYD: Consider yourself lucky to have had such a great relationship with your father. I don't have an extremely close bond with my parents. Most of my life has been spent on the outside looking in, and realizing the reality of their behaviours and their health. I swear my dad is running on borrowed time. His health is terrible and he's extremely difficult to deal with at times. I'm actually anticipating the day where he won't have to suffer any more.

I've never had a close loved one pass, so I find it difficult to relate. Cherish the fact that you've been able to have a good relationship with your father. His time may be short, but you'll know that things between you and him are complete. You fulfilled your role as a wonderful daughter. He fulfilled his role as a wonderful father. It's now time to part ways now that your roles are completed. The end is here, but you'll both know that everything between you is good. There will be no regrets once he is gone.

Take great comfort in knowing that he will no longer be suffering. Take comfort in knowing that you also won't be suffering due to his failing health. I've had clients with heart failure, and it's incredibly stressful for everyone involved.

 

[LiveYourDream]

It has been a challenging ride for me lately. I want soooooooo much to be able to put in words, so you each know (really know) how what you chose to share, has helped me, as well as touched my heart.

Tears just poured out of me as I read what you wrote. I wanted so much to reply right away and to let you know how deeply I was touched by you. I have tried so many times in the last few days. Every time, no words come, just more and more tears, as I read and re-read what has been shared, and it moves me so deeply.

It has been healing and helpful and supportive, on so many levels. I sit here with new tears, yet again. Please bear with me as I am pushing right now, to find words to share here, because I wouldn't want you to think, not for a second, that my lack of response here has been a sign of indifference, in any way. It has been quite the opposite. You touched my heart so deeply, you left me truly speechless, in a deep and healing way.

Please know your sharings and support blew me away. My heartfelt gratitude and appreciation overflow to you!

 

[Serenity]

I've been through this a few times now. I think that the people I love who I know loves me too would not want me to be sad.

I cannot imagine wanting anyone to feel heartbroken the day I pass away. So it's easy for me to let go, I will not let their last moment alive be a cause of pain to me. They would not want that.

 

[penkitten]

Live your dream, please do not for one minute think you have to respond to us when you simply cannot. Grief is hard core stuff and it is different for every one of us. We are a forum that feels like family. You can unload any burdens right here that you need to deposit because you simply cannot carry them alone. None of us want to rush your process. It would be unnatural to do so. No more apologizing for taking a while to reply. We seriously understand how painful this is for you.

 

[BeExcellent]

Thinking of you and your family. Agree 100% with @penkitten that you have no timeline or obligation here as far as touching base.

Many here are in support of you and many here have walked the path of letting go. My Dad is in his twilight too. It's so very hard to think of my life without him, he has always been the MAN, the dispenser of wisdom, the pragmatist and the force to be reckoned with.

Even now as his abilities are slipping I find myself hearing his wisdom and advisement in my mind as I navigate life. There is a comfort that even as he is going he will never be gone because the legacy he is leaving lives in me.

Your father's legacy will live in you too although it doesn't make the process easier.

 

[sodbuster]

It depends on the situation. I was close to one set of grandparents. When my grandmother died after 4 months in a coma with a feeding tube in her...... I was sad but felt relief that her suffering was over.

My grandfather {later that year} told me " I'll make Christmas, but I don't expect to see the new year" I chided him a bit. He said, "my wife is gone, my friends are dead. I'm supposed to stay alive so you can visit me twice a year?" I guess he was saying I was on my own..... He did die about the 30th of December, after all the kids he still had alive were there to visit{my brother and I were home feeding cattle}. THAT one hurt. I never really got to talk to him to tell him what he meant to me. He was as healthy as a horse, I always expected more time....

You get that chance. Use it the best you can.

 

[Huffman]

My condolences.

It's very interesting to see which of the posters here had a strong father figure.