Lost sex drive/passion

[LimeSlush]

Hey guys, brand new member here I've been reading around your forum for a bit now in hopes I could fix my problem but decided to join and ask for your help.

I met this girl at a concert a couple years ago. At the time I was single and happy. I was talking to multiple women and was enjoying not being tied down. I'm 27 and I've had 2 real relationships in my life, both times the girl used me since I was nice and I ended up getting screwed around. So we went on a couple dates, then started having sex on weekends then couple times a week too. I had made it clear at the start I wasn't interested in a relationship and if she thought she'd get hurt by having sex and getting attached to let me know and call it off. So at this point the sex was intense, she'd orgasm 2-3 times a night, squirting all over the place. She'd be so wet before sex it'd run down her thigh. Anyway after a couple months I sensed she was getting attached and called it off. I slept with a couple other girls in that time but we remained friends.
A few months later we started sleeping together again, sex was as great as ever. I started having feelings for her, so I decided to pursue a relationship with her. For like 6 months everything was amazing, she'd tease me with texts throughout the day about sucking me off, wanting dirty sex you name it. I fell head over heels in love and felt guilty about the other girls I slept with (no idea why as I didn't cheat or do anything wrong) and I made the mistake of telling her about them. She got really upset, and told me she had been in love with me back then but didn't tell me for fear of scaring me off.
A few months later, the sex started to dwindle. We had both put on some weight (probably 15-20 pounds). All the things she used to say disappeared, I'd try to initiate and she'd be not interested or it wouldn't work as well. Fast forward a year later I'm still dealing with this. I've made the mistakes of trying so hard to re kindle the excitement for her, gifts, flowers, everything. She says she doesn't know why she doesn't feel like having sex as much, since when we do actually have it she enjoys herself, although the squirting/gushing is pretty limited and I can't make her orgasm every time anymore. I'm at my wits end, back when we were just fwb I didn't care if I didn't hear from her as I had lots of girls to talk to but I'm committed 100%. I've made huge mistakes since this started - crying in front of her, trying way too often to talk about it and our feelings. I need some advice on how to regain the power in this relationship I once had. I do not want to break this off, as I know she hasn't cheated on me, and aside from this sex thing our relationship is great. I feel like I've lost a huge amount of sex appeal to her maybe? And I want to turn this around. Sorry about the novel but any advice is extremely appreciated

 

[devilkingx2]

it's like you guys are a married couple in a marriage that has started to fail. luckily you're not actually married.

maybe talk to her about your issue? bring it to her attention before anything else.

 

[LimeSlush]

I've tried bringing it to her attention, she doesn't know why she doesn't have much of a sex drive anymore. The more I try to talk to her about it the more frustrated she gets because she doesn't know why and I'm frustrated feeling unsatisfied

 

[gov87]

I've tried bringing it to her attention, she doesn't know why she doesn't have much of a sex drive anymore. The more I try to talk to her about it the more frustrated she gets because she doesn't know why and I'm frustrated feeling unsatisfied

Hey bud, I've been in a similar situation. The girl I was with though claimed to have low sex drive from the get-go. However, there are common things going on.

First, it does sound like you've lost your frame. Yes, you can get it back but you must be willing to accept that you could lose her. If she's right for you, it'll workout. If not, that's what is best for YOU.

Now, you said you've cried in front of her. This has probably made you feel pretty weak and now you're insecure that she's sees you differently which has possibly killed the attraction, right? I did this as well in the relationship I was in. I can't tell you if that's the case or not with the attraction, possibly or maybe not.

To address the situation, which you need to do ASAP in the correct way, she needs to talk. If you are actively trying to talk to her about the issue and all she can say is she doesn't know why, you need to tell her to figure it out and communicate it. If there isn't any good reason she can find, you all have imcompatible sex drives and she is not the girl for you.

What NOT to do- don't keep expressing your feelings, you've already done this. Do not cry anymore in front of her. Don't try too hard to be nice and work around HER problem. If she shows signs she's working to improve it you can be supportive, but you can't pull someone out of mud that doesn't want to be pulled out of mud. Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to sleep with you as much is for her to figure out and tell you.

If you are unhappy and she cannot meet your needs, leave. I know this is hard to hear and you want to find a way around it but you can't. Your emotions are not in check right now and you need to get them in check with reality. Logic, my friend, and maintaining objectivity. We, here at this site, will help you with that since you're in the weeds a bit and can't see the bigger picture.

You must do what's best for you and if you are not feeling happy with your all's physical relationship, it WILL only get worse.

If you're like I was in the relationship I mentioned, you will find every reason to stay in it holding out hope. And if things don't get better or where you want, you may start to blame yourself. Once down this path, it will destroy your self-esteem.

Now, what are you going to do? I'll lay out the possible outcomes if you...

1. You tell her the relationship is not working for you and she needs to figure her issue out.

- she either gets help and you all go back to normal or you end the relationship and end up finding a girl 10 times better who bangs your brains out whenever you want.

2. You don't take a stand like a man true to himself should and just let things continue on as they have been.

- she starts to want it less and less, you blame yourself more and more, your self worth plummets, she possibly cheats, etc.


This is it man. Keep posting here and looking for the happiness in yourself and you will make the right decision.

Hope this helps.

 

[latinnova]

Here it is. A woman is to just compliment your already awesome life. Now, people will have their down time here and there, it's just part of life, and you should be their for your friends during their hard times. However, if this girl is constantly dragging you down (daily, as if it never get's better) and she no longer compliments your life and you are being drained of energy and passion, then it's time to move on if she doesn't change to compliment your life once again. What's the purpose of having someone like that in your life? You only have one life to live, enjoy every day of it. The best part about it is that you are not married, you can simply up and walk away with no repercussions. Do not take that for granted, if you need to walk away, do so because you can and will.

 

[LimeSlush]

I really appreciate the input guys. Going to friends or family for advice is never that helpful because they can't look at it from a completely unbiased point of view.
One thing I've learned from reading around this site and from you guys is that one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life as far as dating is I make the girl the center of my life. I don't entirely give up my life I still see my friends and play sports regularly but that's probably a huge contributor is that there's no challenge to her. I'm there for her any time she texts and I'm always texting her if she doesn't text me first for awhile.

The only thing we have come to the conclusion of is her self esteem has suffered due to her putting on some weight, and I've tried telling her to do something to lose weight but that's on her. I can't be getting emotional anymore and I really thank you guys for the help!

 

[gov87]

I really appreciate the input guys. Going to friends or family for advice is never that helpful because they can't look at it from a completely unbiased point of view.
One thing I've learned from reading around this site and from you guys is that one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life as far as dating is I make the girl the center of my life. I don't entirely give up my life I still see my friends and play sports regularly but that's probably a huge contributor is that there's no challenge to her. I'm there for her any time she texts and I'm always texting her if she doesn't text me first for awhile.

The only thing we have come to the conclusion of is her self esteem has suffered due to her putting on some weight, and I've tried telling her to do something to lose weight but that's on her. I can't be getting emotional anymore and I really thank you guys for the help!

Sounds like you have a good start in understanding part of your problem. Keep following the site and start working on yourself. You can't worry about the gf all the time bc you can't do anything for her. All you control is yourself and if you do this, the right things will come to you.

 

[uadialej]

To address the situation, which you need to do ASAP in the correct way, she needs to talk. If you are actively trying to talk to her about the issue and all she can say is she doesn't know why, you need to tell her to figure it out and communicate it. If there isn't any good reason she can find, you all have imcompatible sex drives and she is not the girl for you.







How To Get Someone Back After A Break Up

 

[marmel75]

Hallmark signs of low testosterone levels, go get those checked ASAP

 

[LimeSlush]

Hey guys, just an update on this situation.
She came over tonight and I ended the relationship. I'm still crazy in love with her, but I need someone in my life who desires and anticipates being intimate with me, not somebody who seems indifferent if we have sex or not. She said she understood, she said she wants me to be happy and she's sorry that she hasn't been able to match me. She says she doesnt love herself right now, and I guess that's making her feel like not being intimate. She doesn't see how I think she's sexy or how I could desire her. (she put on about 20 pounds since we started dating a year and a half ago)
But the thing is I really really love this girl. It's just affecting my happiness and I'm just not enjoying myself anymore. I miss her already and this only happened an hour ago. I don't really want to not be with her, I just hate this situation. So what do I do? I know she still wants to be with me but do I just wait it out and wait for her to text me or something? Any input is welcome and appreciated!

 

[djthiago1]

You already did what had to be done now go NC. For the love of all that is holy do NOT go back, if you go back she will dump you, also realize that her not begging not to break up is most likely a sign of low interest, she was already on the way out.

Protip: Try to hook up with someone you actually like instead of just randomly fuking some stranger, it will help with the oneitis a lot, believe me.

I know how you're feeling pal, i got dumped a month ago and the first week was HELL, diarrhea, vomiting, restlessness, and depression, and i am still alive so don't worry it's not the end of the world.

Last advice: when you think about getting back together, think of all the crap you had to put up with and all the times she made you feel bad.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Hey guys, just an update on this situation.
She came over tonight and I ended the relationship. I'm still crazy in love with her, but I need someone in my life who desires and anticipates being intimate with me, not somebody who seems indifferent if we have sex or not. She said she understood, she said she wants me to be happy and she's sorry that she hasn't been able to match me. She says she doesnt love herself right now, and I guess that's making her feel like not being intimate. She doesn't see how I think she's sexy or how I could desire her. (she put on about 20 pounds since we started dating a year and a half ago)
But the thing is I really really love this girl. It's just affecting my happiness and I'm just not enjoying myself anymore. I miss her already and this only happened an hour ago. I don't really want to not be with her, I just hate this situation. So what do I do? I know she still wants to be with me but do I just wait it out and wait for her to text me or something? Any input is welcome and appreciated!

Good move, ending the relationship. Read your story, and if she went from freak in the sheets to dud in the the sheets at best, then it's for the best that you cut things off now - without a doubt. Things may have gotten better (sexually), but when? In 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? I was in a very similar situation, and the frustration will only gradually erode your self-esteem until you either break it off (as you wisely did), learn to settle for a lackluster, passionless relationship, or she breaks it off. As djthiago pointed out above, keep her lack of a fight for you to stay at the very front and center of your mind if you ever get the urge to reach back out to her and rekindle things. That "I don't love myself" song and dance is classic "I'm just not into you", let-you-down-easy wom@nese. When a girl is into you, she will do whatever it takes to keep you two together, which does not seem to be the case at all here. You wrote that "she still wants to be with me" - no, no she does not, otherwise she would have made a very serious effort to slam the brakes on your attempt to end the relationship. Don't let the outrageously hot sex cloud your judgment. That's gone and it's not coming back, even if you two got back together. I too got the "I just don't know why" response when I pressed my ex for the reason why she couldn't reignite her engine sexually, which in hindsight is very clear to me now - "I'm.just.not.interested." Painful, but that's what it is. Accept it and move on. Hit the gym, make staying fit a part of your life, and now you'll know, for future reference, how to more easily spot signs of waning attraction, and what to do once it reaches that point.

 

[BraddH]

20 ****ing pounds is huge amount. How the fvck could that have happened.

 

[LimeSlush]

You already did what had to be done now go NC. For the love of all that is holy do NOT go back, if you go back she will dump you, also realize that her not begging not to break up is most likely a sign of low interest, she was already on the way out.

Protip: Try to hook up with someone you actually like instead of just randomly fuking some stranger, it will help with the oneitis a lot, believe me.

I know how you're feeling pal, i got dumped a month ago and the first week was HELL, diarrhea, vomiting, restlessness, and depression, and i am still alive so don't worry it's not the end of the world.

Last advice: when you think about getting back together, think of all the crap you had to put up with and all the times she made you feel bad.

Good move, ending the relationship. Read your story, and if she went from freak in the sheets to dud in the the sheets at best, then it's for the best that you cut things off now - without a doubt. Things may have gotten better (sexually), but when? In 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? I was in a very similar situation, and the frustration will only gradually erode your self-esteem until you either break it off (as you wisely did), learn to settle for a lackluster, passionless relationship, or she breaks it off. As djthiago pointed out above, keep her lack of a fight for you to stay at the very front and center of your mind if you ever get the urge to reach back out to her and rekindle things. That "I don't love myself" song and dance is classic "I'm just not into you", let-you-down-easy wom@nese. When a girl is into you, she will do whatever it takes to keep you two together, which does not seem to be the case at all here. You wrote that "she still wants to be with me" - no, no she does not, otherwise she would have made a very serious effort to slam the brakes on your attempt to end the relationship. Don't let the outrageously hot sex cloud your judgment. That's gone and it's not coming back, even if you two got back together. I too got the "I just don't know why" response when I pressed my ex for the reason why she couldn't reignite her engine sexually, which in hindsight is very clear to me now - "I'm.just.not.interested." Painful, but that's what it is. Accept it and move on. Hit the gym, make staying fit a part of your life, and now you'll know, for future reference, how to more easily spot signs of waning attraction, and what to do once it reaches that point.

I just don't get it guys...I don't get how a woman can say I love you so much, and can act and say that you mean everything to her, and when you're sitting there saying you can't do it anymore, that the lack of desire on her part has destroyed you emotionally and you've fought for a year, doesn't fight for you at all! Doesn't fight to keep you...either she's seen it for a long time, or she never wanted to pull the trigger herself. I'm just so ****ed up about this, I treated this woman like gold, probably gifts too often and **** but I did everything in my power to show this girl she was everything to me. I've just never had to break up with a girl who I wanted to marry, and who I saw a future with and who said she saw a future with me too....I may be the most naive man in the world

 

[Trump]

Hey guys, just an update on this situation.
She came over tonight and I ended the relationship. I'm still crazy in love with her, but I need someone in my life who desires and anticipates being intimate with me, not somebody who seems indifferent if we have sex or not. She said she understood, she said she wants me to be happy and she's sorry that she hasn't been able to match me. She says she doesnt love herself right now, and I guess that's making her feel like not being intimate. She doesn't see how I think she's sexy or how I could desire her. (she put on about 20 pounds since we started dating a year and a half ago)
But the thing is I really really love this girl. It's just affecting my happiness and I'm just not enjoying myself anymore. I miss her already and this only happened an hour ago. I don't really want to not be with her, I just hate this situation. So what do I do? I know she still wants to be with me but do I just wait it out and wait for her to text me or something? Any input is welcome and appreciated!

20 pounds? Damn that's a lot.

Bro you sound very confused, one minute you break up with her because she is interfering with your dreams and goals and the next minute you miss her. Why did you break up with her if you are so in love with her?

And if the sex dwindles, you don't ask her "why are we not having so much sex?" You give her a massage and get her in the mood and work on her. And work on yourself. Go to concerts, ball games, museums, work out, travel, study. Don't make this chick the focal point of your life.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

I just don't get it guys...I don't get how a woman can say I love you so much, and can act and say that you mean everything to her, and when you're sitting there saying you can't do it anymore, that the lack of desire on her part has destroyed you emotionally and you've fought for a year, doesn't fight for you at all! Doesn't fight to keep you...either she's seen it for a long time, or she never wanted to pull the trigger herself. I'm just so ****ed up about this, I treated this woman like gold, probably gifts too often and **** but I did everything in my power to show this girl she was everything to me. I've just never had to break up with a girl who I wanted to marry, and who I saw a future with and who said she saw a future with me too....I may be the most naive man in the world

She cared about you (as my ex told me during the break up talk), but not in the sense that you're interested in. Every good and sweet little deed that you did for her didn't add up to much because she lost attraction for you somewhere along the way and simply wasn't all that into you any longer. Your goal should be to get back on your feet and expunge her from your thoughts as thoroughly as possible. NC is the way to go. No texting, no calling, no 'serendipitous' running into each other, no stalking her facebook/instagram or any social media she can be found on, nothing. She doesn't exist any longer. The longer you stick with NC, the more it will begin to make sense why you're being so ruthless on yourself. Accept what happened, ride out the waves of pain, dedicate the majority of your free time to working on yourself, and don't look back.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I get that you truly deeply love this woman. Aside from the current tone of the relationship, you would consider marrying her. I think you broke up with her reflexively, out of frustration. I don't think it is the solution or what either of you truly want. I think you are so upset because instinctively you know that.

I think you have misdiagnosed the issue, and made it into the weight she has gained and her loss of attraction. I think those are just symptoms playing out in the relationship (as is your own weight gain).

I think the deeper and real issue is you have stopped feeling like a man. You know the man who is a leader, confident, sexy, funny, knows what he wants and goes for it. That's the man you are. The loss of that feeling inside yourself is your deeper and true frustration in my view (or projection).

You made her the center of your world and likely lost yourself and truly feeling like a man in the process. Your frustration is that you keep looking to her to give you that feeling back without success. She can't give it to you. Believe me, she wants you to have it back too. She wants to feel attracted and hot for you too. She misses it too.

A man in his strong, confident essence is sexy beyond words. That creates attraction. When such a man walks in a room full of people, everyone knows. No words are needed.

A man who keeps looking for reassurance of his manliness from his woman, automatically destroys the attraction, bit by bit. It's like asking a woman to tell you, you are confident, tell you you are strong, tell you you are sexy. She knows even if she tells you those things, that her words will never give you that true inside-out man on top of the world feeling, you are seeking. No matter how you try to disguise it or reframe it, it oozes weakness and insecurity. No woman is attracted to or looking for sex from something that oozes weakness and insecurity. It couldn't be more of a turn off.

Then in frustration and desperation to save the relationship, to turn to her and demand she explain (subtly blaming her as well) the loss of attraction just multiplies that you feel weak and powerless. It gives the appearance that you are seeking for her to give you your manliness back. You seem to project that if she was acting attracted and all over you, you would magically have that inner confidence and manliness again. That's an illusion. It is an inside-out job. She never took it. She can't give it back. Only you can give it back to yourself.

You are the one that is the source of your own confidence, strength, determination, value, sexiness, etc. It comes from the inside-out. That is damn sexy and attractive to women. That's when they want to be with you--really be with you.

What a feeling it is to be with a woman because you feel like a man, on top of the world and they want to be with you versus you are looking for validation of your attractiveness and hoping maybe she will desire you and hoping maybe sex will happen and if does hoping maybe she will enjoy herself. Night and day for both parties.

I think your true frustration isn't her 20 pounds or not feeling as desirous of you. I think it's that you have mistakenly been looking to her, to feel like the man you truly are.

It's one thing to feel confident and sexy as ever and know it from the inside-out and from that place, look at a beautiful woman/your girlfriend and feel their immediate attraction to be with you.

To not truly feel confident and sexy and from that place of lack, look to a woman/your girlfriend for validation that you are hopefully sexy to her (no matter how subtle), is an attraction killer and is not sexy to either of you.

I could be entirely wrong in all of this. I apologize if I am and it's all merely my projection. I mean well. I think on some level you have been looking to her to fill up the part of you that feels empty inside or maybe lacking direction or a mission. It's time for YOU to reconnect with your mission, your goals, and being that strong, confident, sexy man you know yourself to be (outside of anyone else's opinion). Go to the gym and get to feeling good about YOUR body again. Focus on being the best version of you. Focus on being the man you feel proud to be.

From that place, I imagine her desire will almost instantly perk up, the hot sex will resume. Your example of leadership will likely resume her own desire to feel sexy for you, and for her to lose the weight she gained too.

Your relationship has hit a turning point. You love and value this woman. More so, you seem to have lost touch with your inner man. It's time to man up and be the leader and lead your woman through this bump in your relationship. You made a mistake. It's not time for you to focus on her changing. It's time for YOU to change.

No you can't demand her attraction. If you do your part, step in to the greatest version of yourself, she will either join you, with great enthusiasm or you'll know with certainty (rather than weakness and insecurity) that it is truly time to let her go and move on.

The symptoms (in my humble opinion) are a call for you to MAN UP!
DO IT!
MAN UP!
DO IT FOR YOU!

P.S. I just realized what I wrote was based on my first inclination upon reading your posts. In retrospect I see that my reply is almost entirely based on projections about you that you never even discussed. They are possibilities, clearly not facts. If anything helps, great. If not, please simply ignore. No offense was intended.