Lost Confidence- Advice Needed

[Lozboss]

Hi DJs,

So I've been doing really well recently and I was feeling like I was getting back to my old self.

This weekend and today I've crashed.

A few 1st dates that led nowhere, some sh*t testing from girls I'm at the early stages of dating and a negative body image have all crushed me. In particular the sh*t testing.

I'm struggling to keep my frame and remain in control, to remain Aloof and not be confrontational or insecure.

I'm already putting in the work to change my body image (I'm not fat or out of shape but I'm nowhere near the shape i was).

How do I get back on the horse? How do I start feeling secure in myself again?

thanks for any input,

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Chin up, Old Boy.

It takes a while, a lot of ebbs and flows, successes and failures.

Paramount is how you deal with failure, how you apply the knowledge and understanding to your life. It's easy for me and everyone else to say 'Keep improving/focus on yourself'. It is true, but as important is how you deal with your daily life internally. A few summary points, otherwise I just go on a convoluted ramble:

-Self improvement and focus can seem quite a solitary existence on the surface, especially in the early days. This is why so many stumble, over and over again.

-Latterly, I have not focussed on dating/women much at all; rather my interactions with the general population at large. I make brief conversations with people I meet on my travels, I am engaging more deeply with my peers and focussed on keeping positive in my interactions, avoiding conflict at all cost (even in my own mind, when analysing situations). It is amazing how this simple tweak helps us realise that even a single life, focussed mainly on ourselves, is actually not lonely at all. Companionship is highly dependent on how we perceive the company of everyone, not just women.

-I am focussing more on people that matter - friends and family. This is breeding a kind of selflessness, which conversely (ironically) is translating in to true self worth.

-Being with a woman for any period of time is inconsequential (yet entirely a consequence) to my self-worth. Self worth is not to be confused with ego.

>Ego (for me) = how we perceive that others perceive us (extrinsic validation).
>Self worth = how we (truly) perceive ourselves and our actions (intrinsic value).

Self improvement is exactly that; it's for the self, not for the sake of impressing others. Continue to seek activities that genuinely give you intrinsic pleasure, outside of other people. And, when the time comes, with regards to the perceptions of others, your own intrinsic value is written all over your face.

 

[Mike32ct]

Bumps in the road are normal. Sometimes things even get worse (temporarily) before they get better. It's totally ok and expected. It's critical that you keep a long term perspective.

 

[Lozboss]

Thanks guys for the advice.

I know I have a lot of positives in my life but recently I've taken to worrying about things, being insecure and over thinking things.

I've turned to working out as part of combating that (and improving my body image) but it's the down time that kills me.

 

[SeymourCake]

Read up on Bruce Lee's philosophy. It may provide insight.

https://youtu.be/j3BKnmtlMco

 

[zekko]

Things might look better in the morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible, and sometimes I feel like I can't buy a break. Like MonkeyKing says, there are ebbs and flows in life. Just try to keep a positive attitude and things should get better.

I know SoSuave tells you that you should have rock hard confidence 100% of the time, but I find that mine has rhythms to it. I call them bio-rhythms. I keep on a very even keel compared to most people, I find, but I still have my ups and downs. If your ups are too high and your downs are too low, that's when you get into mental illness territory. But I have mild ups and downs.