Long term relationship advice

[Joeybphs]

Hey guys, this is gonna be a long one but I could realy use some assistance.

Long story short, me and this girl have been together for almost 2 years, have talked about marriage, kids, and a future, and she's the girl I want to marry.
She's in her senior year of high school, I'm a college freshman. Everything was perfect until around 3 weeks ago. She works at a local ice cream place with some guys and girls from her school, and theres a guy there that she says she hates. I used to go see her in the hour and a half she had between work and school, but I stopped for some reason.. I'd just be busy or too tired to go see her. Anyway I didn't realize I was hurting her and shutting her out.

I got on her facebook one day and noticed messages between this guy and her, where she was asking him to run for student council VP if she ran for president, as she thought it would bring her more votes. I told her I was uncomfortable with this guy, why would you ask a guy that you hated to assist you?
It got to the point where I pushed it too far with my jealousy. I had to make a point and show her I wasn't kidding. I told her one day, after she was pissed about me being suspicous, that I didnt think we should be together anymore. It was a scare tactic to get my way. It backfired.
I went home while she was pissed, and called and told her I didn't mean it. We had to much together to break up over something stupid like that, right? I told her I'd come over nad fix things. When I got there she wouldn't touch me, but we talked and she asked me to leave and give her some time alone to think.
I went home and was upset. fell asleep, woke up around 4am. Went to kroger, bought some flowers, got a ring. This was my big play. Show her that I could give her the marriage she wanted. I went to her house around 730 am, told her Iwas sorry that I hadnt been listneing to her and that I was ready to do what she wanted and the thing I had done a long time ago. I proposed. She looked away and said she wasnt sure naymore. I was heartbroken, but I gave her a hug, kiss, and she left for school.
I went to a friends house so I wouldn't have to be alone with this "punched in the gut" feeling. She texted me telling me "I'm gonna let you know right now, I'm going to homecoming with some friends."
What? just a few days ago we were talking about getting mums so we could go together. I asked who, and she gave a list of girls. I said 'ok babe, just have fun.'
She went to work, and when she got off work I went to meet her at her house around 11pm. She wasnt there. I tracked her iphone and noticed she was at an apartment complex not too far away. I went over there, realized that it was inbetween work and school and taht the guy I was uncomfortable with lived in between. sure enough, they walked out together. I confronted her, and asked her what was going on. she told me there was nothing, they were just talking about me, she wanted some advice. I asked him to give me an example to make sure, and he cited the proposal attempt. I told him I needed to talk to her alone, and I once again made my case about how long we'd been together, our plans for the future ,etc. She left, I left, called a mutual girl friend and she called my 'gf', reported back and told me that my 'gf' swore that she never did anything with this guy. Why would you go to a dudes house to talk to him about me, when theres a phone available to everbody. Why not call one of our mutual friends that you've talked to a million times about our relationship. I felt betrayed.

she texted me and told me 'You're special to me. I know you want nothing more than for us to be together right now, but your pressure is making it hard for me to get my thoughts straight. I love you, and i always will. I'm not doing anything with anybody else until I clarify where we stand, but I need some tmie to figure that out. Its getti to the point where I cant sleep or eat because I feel so sick. Let me spend the next few days alone to figure out how I'm feeling."

At this point, I'm sick of being in relationship limbo and leaving it up to her whether we should betogether. Yeah, I made the mistake, but why throw 2 years of love out the windows for that? I feel like gathering up all the stuff she gave me, taking it to her house and leaving it on the doorstep with a note saying "I can't wait around for you, it's driving me crazy. This stuff only reminds me of you ,so I'm giving it back. I can't believe you'd betray me like that last night, while we're already going through a tough time. I know that I can't make you happy anymore, so I'm going to let you find somebody who can." and just breaking off contact.

My friends say its a bad idea. Based on what I'm saying, what's yalls analysis? I just dont know whwat to do. I love this girl, and we've always been perfect together, but I'm about to lose her over a simple mistake. She claims she didnt do anything with the guy, but its just soo sketchy to me, even after she knows I'm uncomofrtable with him. Please throw some advice our there.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I had to rewrite this since itgot deleted the first time. If I was unclear about anything, I'll clear it up.. just ask.

 

[flashpoint]

you sound insecure and overjealous. imagine it was the other way round, and she would control every move and who are you talking to and such. it just makes you sick. and as much love there is, if you start feeling bad and under pressure, it wont be enough anymore.

on top of that you started a power struggle for no good reasons (feeding your ego is none) and are of course on the losing side of it. it is like in a negotiation, the party that is able to walk away wins. you are just pretending tho that you are able to walk away when in reality you try to blackmail her into something that itself is not properly defined. what the fock do you want from her?

fact is you are making her feel bad. and all this hot and cold, this obsession with a romantic twist is getting to her. not in a good way.

now you are about to acting like a child, that doesnt want to play anymore because he cant get his way. MAN UP. tell her that you had time to think yourself and that this whole thing went over your head. your sorry. and leave it at that. at least that is what i would do.

you really need to get used to your gf talking to other dudes, whether you like them or not and that she has some life of her own. do the same and you will be fine.

 

[Joeybphs]

you sound insecure and overjealous. imagine it was the other way round, and she would control every move and who are you talking to and such. it just makes you sick. and as much love there is, if you start feeling bad and under pressure, it wont be enough anymore.

on top of that you started a power struggle for no good reasons (feeding your ego is none) and are of course on the losing side of it. it is like in a negotiation, the party that is able to walk away wins. you are just pretending tho that you are able to walk away when in reality you try to blackmail her into something that itself is not properly defined. what the fock do you want from her?

fact is you are making her feel bad. and all this hot and cold, this obsession with a romantic twist is getting to her. not in a good way.

now you are about to acting like a child, that doesnt want to play anymore because he cant get his way. MAN UP. tell her that you had time to think yourself and that this whole thing went over your head. your sorry. and leave it at that. at least that is what i would do.

you really need to get used to your gf talking to other dudes, whether you like them or not and that she has some life of her own. do the same and you will be fine.

This is useful. Should I just leave her alone until she comes to a decision, or break it off now?

edit: forgot to mention, we haven't had regular sex in a while. We used to bang twice a day, now she says it 'hurts' so she doesnt like doing it anymore. She still does hj's, bj's etc.

 

[john1234]

I tracked her iphone and noticed she was at an apartment complex not too far away. I went over there, realized that it was inbetween work and school and taht the guy I was uncomfortable with lived in between. sure enough, they walked out together. I confronted her, and asked her what was going on. she told me there was nothing, they were just talking about me, she wanted some advice. I asked him to give me an example to make sure, and he cited the proposal attempt.

In my opinnion thats a Red Flag!

She went over to see him because you had argument and she wanted comfort to feel special. Any thing could of happend in there!

I know that when you have breakup with a woman the common thing they all do is attention wh0re from guys to feel special.
does this guy have a girlfriend? its a tough one for you hope you sort it out

 

[Desdinova]

You certainly have a lot to learn...

I went home and was upset. fell asleep, woke up around 4am. Went to kroger, bought some flowers, got a ring. This was my big play. Show her that I could give her the marriage she wanted. I went to her house around 730 am, told her Iwas sorry that I hadnt been listneing to her and that I was ready to do what she wanted and the thing I had done a long time ago. I proposed.

Romance in a relationship is like a spice. You need to add just a little bit of it to make the relationship better. Add too much to a pleasant meal, and you ruin it. If the meal is covered in mold, no amount of spice is going to make it taste better.

The relationship is pretty close to being done. You've been doing nothing but causing her to experience negative emotions simply by smothering her with attention. You have absolutely no clue on how to push her attraction buttons. The guy she supposedly hates might be doing a better job at pushing those buttons than you.

Should I just leave her alone until she comes to a decision, or break it off now?

Honestly, I believe ending the relationship would be the best scenario so you could take some time and actually learn how to attract women. It *may* be salvageable by cutting down on the amount of contact you initiate with her. Let her initiate it and quit smothering her with gifts for chrissake. Take the ring back to the store because neither you nor her are ready for marriage.

Then, scroll down to the page, click on the link that says "DJ Bible" and READ READ READ.

 

[Gro0ver]

I also recommend reading Rollo's blog http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/

It gives great high-level theory on females, human attraction & relationships.

At the moment it sounds like this girl is your "world". Snap out of it. You need a kick in the balls.

You can't base your life around a woman, it is not a model for success or happinness. If you don't understand this then you need to read and experience more.

 

[john1234]

You've been doing nothing but causing her to experience negative emotions simply by smothering her with attention.

can you give other examples of this apart from the ring issue.

 

[Joeybphs]

It's not that I don't know how to attract girls. I used to hook up with other girls all the time. It was clear at the beginning of the relationship that she loved me more than I cared for her. That didn't change until losing her became a real possibility. We've been through a lot together, and she's the only one that really knows me. It's tough to let go. I guess I'll give her her time, if she decides not to continue the relationship, I won't throw a fit over it.

 

[Desdinova]

We had to much together to break up over something stupid like that,
why throw 2 years of love out the windows for that?
We've been through a lot together,

Time spent together is irrelevant when you're not attracted to the person you're with. You need to realize that the only important moment in a relationship is this moment right now.

can you give other examples of this apart from the ring issue.

Giving women flowers, teddy bears, meals, drinks, candy, phone calls, text messages, and pretty much anything done in excess when the woman isn't attracted. Also, why would you reward a woman who isn't giving you the time of day? It will just enforce the idea that her bad behavior is acceptable. It's like rewarding your dog for 5hitting on the carpet.

 

[flashpoint]

edit: forgot to mention, we haven't had regular sex in a while. We used to bang twice a day, now she says it 'hurts' so she doesnt like doing it anymore. She still does hj's, bj's etc.

that is one CRUCIAL piece of info. if she doesnt enjoy having sex with you anymore, but only does the deed to get you off ... damn. i mean this is the basis of any intimate relationship with a woman.

explains a bit why you are so panicking about the whole thing, seems like you realize that you are losing her or already have lost her and now you go apeshyt. and the fact that she seems cozy with a guy she "hates" is surely not a good sign either.

shyt happens. it is common with chicks that they start looking for someone else as soon as they dont feel good in a relationship anymore. so if she has already decided to leave you there is nothing you can do about it anyways.

if she is still unsure, well ... find a way to fock her without hurting her. or whatever goes on there. could be a pretext as well and a sign that she s wanting out of it already for a long time. whatever goes wrong I myself would want to have a talk with her, admit that there is something to be dealt with and try to find a way together to fix this. and by together i mean TOGETHER. showering her with gifts in one moment, then the cold shoulder the next moment, wont do anything good here. if that is not possible then it is just not meant to be. you ll find another girl.

 

[pinkfl]

Here's the thing, if a guy were to propose to me in the midst of a fight, argument, disagreement, whatever...I would INITIALLY be flattered and then IMMEDIATELY shocked and scared afterwards.

Proposal of marriage is something that should only be done when the timing is right. A ring and a proposal when you are having problems is terrifying to women. It makes us feel incredibly pressured and if anything, scares us that you are just going to latch onto us over-possessively every time something goes wrong. It's not a magical solution; the issue here was not a question of your commitment to her, it was a question of whether the relationship can handle the normal process of her speaking to other guys.

Ultimately, I think that the relationship is at the end of it's run. You guys are both extremely young and you're also still in school. Take the ring back. Give her space to think. Stop with the theatrical behavior, life is not like the movies. You cannot force her through emotional mood swings where one minute you are breaking up, the next you are jealous and possessive, then you propose, and then you drop her stuff off at her door.

 

[5string]

I know! Let's ask Oprah!

Seriously, you are way too young to be thinking about marriage. Unfvck yourself and get rid of all that insecurity. Chalk this one up to experience.

And NEVER, EVER buy some chick flowers unless it's your mother!

Stick around young brother. Read the threads on this site. There is much for you to learn.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If it helps to let her go and move on with your life, I promise that ten years from now, she will be fat. :yes:

 

[5string]

If it helps to let her go and move on with your life, I promise that ten years from now, she will be fat. :yes:

Geez Bible! You so funny! :crackup:

 

[VladPatton]

She's in her senior year of high school

Seriously, man? You are letting a high school girl dominate your mind? There are so many red flags from sex all of a sudden 'hurting' to hanging with some dude without you knowing that it is unquestionable to why you should end this.

If you don't do something now to grow as a man, you will be doomed by the time you are 25, 30. Get it done, and try to migrate away from these Katy-Perry/One-Direction-listening little girls..you're in college now, homie.

 

[Joeybphs]

She's in her senior year of high school

Seriously, man? You are letting a high school girl dominate your mind? There are so many red flags from sex all of a sudden 'hurting' to hanging with some dude without you knowing that it is unquestionable to why you should end this.

If you don't do something now to grow as a man, you will be doomed by the time you are 25, 30. Get it done, and try to migrate away from these Katy-Perry/One-Direction-listening little girls..you're in college now, homie.

What does it matter which school we're going to? I mean **** if she said she was just talking to the guy, who am I to question her? She's never, ever given me a reason not to trust her and I've given her plenty (met up with exes, etc.) as a matter of fact I went to a few girls shes not comfortable with just to get advice about this situation.

One thing I dislike about this forum is that sure, you know how to attract girls, and sometimes yes, girls are just a piece of meat to be ****ed. But this girl, call it oneitis, whatever, we've known eachother forever and she's literally my best friend. I can't just kick my best friend away, I was there when her dad died and she was there when my mom commit suicide. I confide in, and trust her more than I can talk to my own parents. Spending the night at eachother's houses, etc. Most of our relationship was outside school. There's literally never been a person I was closer to.

I appreciate the advice, I just wanted to make sure that giving her space was the right decision. I have no intention of letting go of 2 years of an almost perfect relationship just because we got in a small fight. For all I know this could be one of those bull**** things where we get back together after a week.

 

[BeDJ]

What does it matter which school we're going to? I mean **** if she said she was just talking to the guy, who am I to question her? She's never, ever given me a reason not to trust her and I've given her plenty (met up with exes, etc.) as a matter of fact I went to a few girls shes not comfortable with just to get advice about this situation.

One thing I dislike about this forum is that sure, you know how to attract girls, and sometimes yes, girls are just a piece of meat to be ****ed. But this girl, call it oneitis, whatever, we've known eachother forever and she's literally my best friend. I can't just kick my best friend away, I was there when her dad died and she was there when my mom commit suicide. I confide in, and trust her more than I can talk to my own parents. Spending the night at eachother's houses, etc. Most of our relationship was outside school. There's literally never been a person I was closer to.

I appreciate the advice, I just wanted to make sure that giving her space was the right decision. I have no intention of letting go of 2 years of an almost perfect relationship just because we got in a small fight. For all I know this could be one of those bull**** things where we get back together after a week.

My condolences.

I was in the same situation as you my friend. Seemed like I would not be able to find another person as close as she. My insecurity/comfort forced me essentially through open heart surgery with eyes open. Most of the board have been in your shoes and speak from experience. They have helped me when I asked for advice, although my ego prevented necessary action. My life would have been much further along if I applied their advice. We are here to help you improve mentally and emotionally.

 

[Bible_Belt]

But this girl, call it oneitis, whatever, we've known each other forever and she's literally my best friend.

Creating that situation is your screw-up. Everyone here has done it. Trying to make a girl be your woman and your best friend at the same time puts too much pressure on the relationship. There are a lot of "best friend" couples out there, but they are not the relationships that last the longest. Eventually, the friendship will kill the attraction.

 

[Desdinova]

One thing I dislike about this forum is that sure, you know how to attract girls, and sometimes yes, girls are just a piece of meat to be ****ed. But this girl, call it oneitis, whatever, we've known eachother forever and she's literally my best friend. I can't just kick my best friend away,

Yes you can. I've had to do it many, many times. It's rare to find a 'best friend' who will stick with you for your entire life.

If you REALLY don't want to kick her out of your life, make her 'just a friend' and your poor emotions will feel so much better. Can you handle her telling you about the other guy she's fvcking? If you can, then by all means keep her as a friend. If you can't, then man up and kick her to the curb because she doesn't like fvcking YOU anymore.

I was there when her dad died and she was there when my mom commit suicide. I confide in, and trust her more than I can talk to my own parents. Spending the night at eachother's houses, etc. Most of our relationship was outside school. There's literally never been a person I was closer to.

You CAN keep those pleasant memories AND move on. I don't regret any of the women I previously dated. My last gf had more in common with me than my current gf, and we had some great times together. I got rid of her because she got fat and wanted to move in after only 9 months of dating. So there went another 'best friend' out of my life.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I'm sorry, but discussing marriage and kids with a 16yo is like debating politics with a chimp.
How the hell does a teenage girl know what she wants?
One minute she's singing Katy Perry into her hairbrush and the next she's discussing marriage??? Get real.
Granted, there are some mature young women out there, but fvcking hell, she's a damn baby!

I think you're so insecure that you're trying to lock this girl down for your own benefit instead of allowing yourself - and her - to grow and gain more of an appreciation for life and what causes happiness.
I think she feels suffocated. Sure, she might have SAID she wants to get married and have kids, but her ACTIONS now are screaming otherwise.
She knows you're a control freak and wants out but can't bring herself to break your heart.
Sex is painful for her because she can no longer get wet over you. She doesn't hate you, she's just no longer attracted to you and doesn't know how to end it.

My honest advice is to let her go, be free to experience life and then come back if she desires.
You should do the same.