The following was combined from a series of posts on AudiWorld.com Forums. I know its long, but i promise that this is one of THE funniest things you'll ever read in your life 
======================================
Posted by Nojoi on 2003-10-02 08:27:46
PART I:
So, I've decided to let the girlfriend move into my house with me. She is an avid cat lover, and has been going on and on about getting a cat, which I am opposed to as I am a dog person. I have an Akita. (See where this is going yet)? Well, yesterday I get home early from a business trip, and nobody is home. I bring my bags in, only to find a litter box, cat toys, cat stand (whatever those things are), and water/food bowl in my living room. At this point, I'm thinking whether or not my girlfriend completely misunderstands the concept of Akita / cat relationships. I get a bit irate, because I specifically told her not to bring a cat into my house. Now, I have nothing against cats, I just don't want one. And for the above mentioned reason, I do not feel it appropriate to have one in the house. For those who don't know, the AKC describes the Akita like this:
· The Akita is a powerfully built dog originally developed to hunt bears in Japan. The Japanese now use the Akita as a guard dog and police dog.
I haven't trained my dog to be aggressive, I love my dog, and he is a great companion. All he does is run around the yard, playing in the dirt and being happy. Now, when I go to work I bring him inside, as not to disturb the neighbors, who are home all day (he is loud).
My dog does not socialize well. He never has, and never will. He is very aware of new people and things and wants to protect his own by nature.
So, I call my girlfriend and ask what the hell she was thinking.
"Blah, blah, I wanted to suprise you, blah, blah....". So I ask what I could possibly want with a cat.
"Just go look at her, she's soooooo cute. I know you will love her".
"Dammit where is the damn cat"?!!! (I'm running around furious now).
"In the bedroom".
I run into the bedroom.
"No cat", I say.
Then the thought crosses my mind that maybe since my girlfriend has just moved in, she does not know that the bathroom door handle sticks. (I have the bathroom layout with two doors. One leads to the office, one to the bedroom). My dog has full access to the house except for my bedroom, as he plays outside then likes to get in my bed and ruin it.
At this point I am going to say I will not take or post pictures, as it would just be wrong.
As I walk into the bathroom I just see fur and blood. You just cannot prepare for things like this. Horrid, horrid, scary, murder scene like crap. When I see the paw laying on the ground, I lose it, drop the phone and run into my office, where everything has a fine smattering of cat parts on it. My Hex Com is torn to bits, laptop, destroyed, chair on the floor with a dangling leg, brand new leather couch ripped apart.
Needless to say, I am now single. And calling a biohazardous waste cleaning company. Bad, bad, day.
PART II:
Well, as if today's horror story was not enough, the family of my girlfriend "dropped by" today to see how everyting was going. Keep in mind that they know what has happened today. Let me set up the scenario.
It's 5:00pm and I'm in my kitchen calling a few friends as I am in desperate need of alcohol. I've got five plastic wrapped men walking about my home, cleaning up scattered kitten remains, and my door is propped open due to a large tube from an ozone machine. The parents of my ex-girlfriend walk up to my patio door directly off the kitchen, which is now wide open to air out the house. The mother sticks her head into the kitchen to see if anyone was home. Now, imagine this. They know what has happened with the cat, (but apparently think the blood is from me beating or killing their daughter) and the first thing they see is me on the phone, and five guy's in plastic suits cleaning up blood. Hmmmmm.
The screaming ensues,
Her mother: "Where is my daughter?!!!! What is this? What's this? Blood?!!!
Me without thinking: "She's gone".
Her mother: "WHAT!!! WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER!!! MEGAN!!! MEGAN!!!
Her father: "WHAT THE FVCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!"............He gives me the stare.
Me: "Whoa, wait, let me explain".....
At this point, Megan's mother starts running through the house and sees all the blood my dog has flung everywhere. She's screaming like a banshee, and finally sets sight upon the office. I won't go into details here, but an Akita flinging around a bloody kitten leaves images that will not soon be forgotten.
So I'm trying to explain what has happened to the father who is half paying attention because his wife is screaming. And the phone rings. It's Megan. Great I thought!!! Now we can straighten this out. I go to answer the phone, and one of the clean up crew guys opens the door to the garage where my dog is being kept while they do the clean up. I didn't get a chance to tell them where the dog was because of the commotion with my ex's parents. So the dog hears the screaming and immediately "turns on" and charges for the office. I go running up the stairs after him throwing the phone at the father, and all of the cleaning guys bolt out the door. The mother hears the dog comming and locks herself in the bathroom.
With what did she lock herself in the bathroom you ask?
That's right, absolute, total, carnage. Right in the damn spot I found the paw. The spot where the damn cleaning guys had not been to yet. Oh, the agony.
So, she won't come out of the bathroom because there is a very excited dog, who's bark resonates in your chest outside the door. The father is yelling in my ear "get the damn dog out of here", I'm yelling at the father telling him to get the "fvck out of the room" so I can put the dog in my bedroom, and the mother is beginning to have a panic attack in the bathroom covered in blood. I finally get the dog in the bedroom, the mother unlocks the door and runs out of the house with the father following her, shaking the telephone around screaming "I have Megan on the phone, I have Megan on the phone!!! It's okay, it was the cat"!!! I followed them outside and there are the five cleaning guys and two of my neighbors watching this unfold. The mother is now in the car hyper ventilating, and the father is leaning in the window with the phone that has my ex on it. I'm too far away to hear what is happening, but five minutes of so later the father throws my phone on the ground breaking it, and motioning to me that he is going to slit my throat. (The finger across the throat thing). Now I'm really, really, angry. I start walking towards the car, and the bastard gets in his crapillac, and drives over my shrubs in reverse while leaving my driveway. This is going to get reeeeal ugly tomorrow. I'm off to the police station to file a report.
PART III:
Since I last posted, the parents are trying to press charges against me for my Akita "attacking" them. They are alluding to my dog as being a "vicious killer", and want him "locked up", or "put to sleep". These are direct quotes from my conversation with the police. My ex wants to put a restraining order on me (which is actually doing me a favor), and have me leave the house while she get her things so that I cannot put her in "harms way again". Yes you read that right, apparently I have put her, ............in "harms way".
I am not quite sure what is even going on anymore, but this keeps getting stranger by the minute.
I am just about ready to post her damn phone number.........Updates to follow.
======================================
Posted by Nojoi on 2003-10-02 08:27:46
PART I:
So, I've decided to let the girlfriend move into my house with me. She is an avid cat lover, and has been going on and on about getting a cat, which I am opposed to as I am a dog person. I have an Akita. (See where this is going yet)? Well, yesterday I get home early from a business trip, and nobody is home. I bring my bags in, only to find a litter box, cat toys, cat stand (whatever those things are), and water/food bowl in my living room. At this point, I'm thinking whether or not my girlfriend completely misunderstands the concept of Akita / cat relationships. I get a bit irate, because I specifically told her not to bring a cat into my house. Now, I have nothing against cats, I just don't want one. And for the above mentioned reason, I do not feel it appropriate to have one in the house. For those who don't know, the AKC describes the Akita like this:
· The Akita is a powerfully built dog originally developed to hunt bears in Japan. The Japanese now use the Akita as a guard dog and police dog.
I haven't trained my dog to be aggressive, I love my dog, and he is a great companion. All he does is run around the yard, playing in the dirt and being happy. Now, when I go to work I bring him inside, as not to disturb the neighbors, who are home all day (he is loud).
My dog does not socialize well. He never has, and never will. He is very aware of new people and things and wants to protect his own by nature.
So, I call my girlfriend and ask what the hell she was thinking.
"Blah, blah, I wanted to suprise you, blah, blah....". So I ask what I could possibly want with a cat.
"Just go look at her, she's soooooo cute. I know you will love her".
"Dammit where is the damn cat"?!!! (I'm running around furious now).
"In the bedroom".
I run into the bedroom.
"No cat", I say.
Then the thought crosses my mind that maybe since my girlfriend has just moved in, she does not know that the bathroom door handle sticks. (I have the bathroom layout with two doors. One leads to the office, one to the bedroom). My dog has full access to the house except for my bedroom, as he plays outside then likes to get in my bed and ruin it.
At this point I am going to say I will not take or post pictures, as it would just be wrong.
As I walk into the bathroom I just see fur and blood. You just cannot prepare for things like this. Horrid, horrid, scary, murder scene like crap. When I see the paw laying on the ground, I lose it, drop the phone and run into my office, where everything has a fine smattering of cat parts on it. My Hex Com is torn to bits, laptop, destroyed, chair on the floor with a dangling leg, brand new leather couch ripped apart.
Needless to say, I am now single. And calling a biohazardous waste cleaning company. Bad, bad, day.
PART II:
Well, as if today's horror story was not enough, the family of my girlfriend "dropped by" today to see how everyting was going. Keep in mind that they know what has happened today. Let me set up the scenario.
It's 5:00pm and I'm in my kitchen calling a few friends as I am in desperate need of alcohol. I've got five plastic wrapped men walking about my home, cleaning up scattered kitten remains, and my door is propped open due to a large tube from an ozone machine. The parents of my ex-girlfriend walk up to my patio door directly off the kitchen, which is now wide open to air out the house. The mother sticks her head into the kitchen to see if anyone was home. Now, imagine this. They know what has happened with the cat, (but apparently think the blood is from me beating or killing their daughter) and the first thing they see is me on the phone, and five guy's in plastic suits cleaning up blood. Hmmmmm.
The screaming ensues,
Her mother: "Where is my daughter?!!!! What is this? What's this? Blood?!!!
Me without thinking: "She's gone".
Her mother: "WHAT!!! WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER!!! MEGAN!!! MEGAN!!!
Her father: "WHAT THE FVCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!"............He gives me the stare.
Me: "Whoa, wait, let me explain".....
At this point, Megan's mother starts running through the house and sees all the blood my dog has flung everywhere. She's screaming like a banshee, and finally sets sight upon the office. I won't go into details here, but an Akita flinging around a bloody kitten leaves images that will not soon be forgotten.
So I'm trying to explain what has happened to the father who is half paying attention because his wife is screaming. And the phone rings. It's Megan. Great I thought!!! Now we can straighten this out. I go to answer the phone, and one of the clean up crew guys opens the door to the garage where my dog is being kept while they do the clean up. I didn't get a chance to tell them where the dog was because of the commotion with my ex's parents. So the dog hears the screaming and immediately "turns on" and charges for the office. I go running up the stairs after him throwing the phone at the father, and all of the cleaning guys bolt out the door. The mother hears the dog comming and locks herself in the bathroom.
With what did she lock herself in the bathroom you ask?
That's right, absolute, total, carnage. Right in the damn spot I found the paw. The spot where the damn cleaning guys had not been to yet. Oh, the agony.
So, she won't come out of the bathroom because there is a very excited dog, who's bark resonates in your chest outside the door. The father is yelling in my ear "get the damn dog out of here", I'm yelling at the father telling him to get the "fvck out of the room" so I can put the dog in my bedroom, and the mother is beginning to have a panic attack in the bathroom covered in blood. I finally get the dog in the bedroom, the mother unlocks the door and runs out of the house with the father following her, shaking the telephone around screaming "I have Megan on the phone, I have Megan on the phone!!! It's okay, it was the cat"!!! I followed them outside and there are the five cleaning guys and two of my neighbors watching this unfold. The mother is now in the car hyper ventilating, and the father is leaning in the window with the phone that has my ex on it. I'm too far away to hear what is happening, but five minutes of so later the father throws my phone on the ground breaking it, and motioning to me that he is going to slit my throat. (The finger across the throat thing). Now I'm really, really, angry. I start walking towards the car, and the bastard gets in his crapillac, and drives over my shrubs in reverse while leaving my driveway. This is going to get reeeeal ugly tomorrow. I'm off to the police station to file a report.
PART III:
Since I last posted, the parents are trying to press charges against me for my Akita "attacking" them. They are alluding to my dog as being a "vicious killer", and want him "locked up", or "put to sleep". These are direct quotes from my conversation with the police. My ex wants to put a restraining order on me (which is actually doing me a favor), and have me leave the house while she get her things so that I cannot put her in "harms way again". Yes you read that right, apparently I have put her, ............in "harms way".
I am not quite sure what is even going on anymore, but this keeps getting stranger by the minute.
I am just about ready to post her damn phone number.........Updates to follow.
