Logical Lefty, myself and codependency

[Pandora]

I never considered myself co dependent but I am. I am not a clingy person. I am content to give my partner space in a relationship. My romantic partners would often bemoan the fact that they dont spend enough time with me. I thought there was no way I am co dependent but I was. Co dependancy does not mean that you are " clingy or needy". It just means "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

I can discard normal "healthy" women very easily. My weakness is women that have personality disorders. Their illusion of needing me triggers me. It is a trigger that activates an unhealthy attachment to them. It activates my hero complex. I need to save them. Without me their life will be destroyed. I cant let that happen. When I try to break up with them they pull me back in with threats of self harm. They say that they need me in order to survive and like an addict I am hooked back into a toxic cycle.

This effects the best of men. I think in Logical Leftys case this is what got him. It gets me. I am in this cycle now. We know that the woman is unhealthy. Deep down we know that her past is checkered but......we cant let her drown. We have to save her and she ends up drowning the both of us.

I hope Lefty or anyone else does not take offense to this post ( Lefty is legit). I am going through the same thing and will likely have the same result.

 

[Dr.Suave]

I am going through the same thing and will likely have the same result.

Did you give exclusivity to a girl and now you are having second thoughts or buyers remorse?

 

[pipeman84]

It activates my hero complex. I need to save them. Without me their life will be destroyed. I cant let that happen.

Captain Save a Hoe syndrome. While I've never been in the situation myself (thank God) I can fully understand how a good man at heart can fall into this trap. I think an approach with the following 2 components is best in order to avoid this: 1. depending on the situation, either totally break contact or abort romantic mission and switch to considering her as a sister/relative as soon as you notice signs the woman has mental issues.

2. take a bird's eye view: she has to do her own healing, you can't do it for her. High chance is, she's never going to reach a level suitable for what would be considered a healthy relationship. So let her be on her own journey either alone or maybe she finds a guy who's at the same level. Depending on the situation as mentioned in 1., you could help her from the big brother/uncle position. No reason to mess up your own romantic situation in this process.

 

[Pandora]

Did you give exclusivity to a girl and now you are having second thoughts or buyers remorse?

Pretty much. I do have a side plate though. But the main girl is pressuring for marriage and serious commitment. She is a high conflict personality and it is toxic. I try to leave but ya know.....guilt, threats etc.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Pretty much. I do have a side plate though. But the main girl is pressuring for marriage and serious commitment. She is a high conflict personality and it is toxic. I try to leave but ya know.....guilt, threats etc.

Bro, dont marry her if you are not feeling it. Block her from everywhere. File a restraining order if necessary.

 

[Stanley]

Captain Save a hoe and anxious/avoidant attachment style. Been there, was there again recently but caught myself early. Past experiences are good at avoiding this crap, but without reflection experience doesn't equate to wisdom, or so the stoics thought...

I can discard normal "healthy" women very easily.

To quote Steven Tyler "I kept the right ones out, And let the wrong ones in"

Good post and seeing the appreciation for another member's well being on this board is refreshing.

 

[Stanley]

I can relate to this, having an over bearing mother and emotionally needy and draining, guilt tripping and all the good stuff; while my dad has been a beta cuck plow horse, gave me the mindset.

I developed the identity of always been there for everyone, fixing everything gave me the sense of being loved and being a "good son"

That took me to be with toxic people, never let go and turning good thi ga i to the very same toxic $hit I've always been. Its been a struggle since almost 2 years that I got unplugged, still battling with it, but I least recognize it and stop it, but it always comes back to haunt me.

You ever read No More Mr. Nice guy as you were unplugging? That book is right on the money for what you describe.

 

[DreamAgain]

I have suffered with this problem. Fortunately I didn't marry the girl I was with due to this, but back in my blue pilled days I considered it.

Basically I was getting a rush out of being her protector, her problem solver, saving her from bad decisions and putting her on the right path.

Of course now I realize how utterly foolish this is. Thank god I never got this girl pregnant.

 

[Pandora]

Captain Save a Hoe syndrome. While I've never been in the situation myself (thank God) I can fully understand how a good man at heart can fall into this trap. I think an approach with the following 2 components is best in order to avoid this: 1. depending on the situation, either totally break contact or abort romantic mission and switch to considering her as a sister/relative as soon as you notice signs the woman has mental issues.

2. take a bird's eye view: she has to do her own healing, you can't do it for her. High chance is, she's never going to reach a level suitable for what would be considered a healthy relationship. So let her be on her own journey either alone or maybe she finds a guy who's at the same level. Depending on the situation as mentioned in 1., you could help her from the big brother/uncle position. No reason to mess up your own romantic situation in this process.

Good advice man

 

[Pandora]

You ever read No More Mr. Nice guy as you were unplugging? That book is right on the money for what you describe.

Okay ima read that book. Thanks.

 

[Pandora]

I developed the identity of always been there for everyone, fixing everything gave me the sense of being loved and being a "good son"

Exactly! Having a narc dad and an abused mom I also developed the " good son" syndrome. You put everyone elses needs before yours. You feel responsible for everyone else.

 

[Pandora]

Bro, dont marry her if you are not feeling it. Block her from everywhere. File a restraining order if necessary.

100%

 

[Ricky]

I never considered myself co dependent but I am. I am not a clingy person. I am content to give my partner space in a relationship. My romantic partners would often bemoan the fact that they dont spend enough time with me. I thought there was no way I am co dependent but I was. Co dependancy does not mean that you are " clingy or needy". It just means "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

I can discard normal "healthy" women very easily. My weakness is women that have personality disorders. Their illusion of needing me triggers me. It is a trigger that activates an unhealthy attachment to them. It activates my hero complex. I need to save them. Without me their life will be destroyed. I cant let that happen. When I try to break up with them they pull me back in with threats of self harm. They say that they need me in order to survive and like an addict I am hooked back into a toxic cycle.

This effects the best of men. I think in Logical Leftys case this is what got him. It gets me. I am in this cycle now. We know that the woman is unhealthy. Deep down we know that her past is checkered but......we cant let her drown. We have to save her and she ends up drowning the both of us.

I hope Lefty or anyone else does not take offense to this post ( Lefty is legit). I am going through the same thing and will likely have the same result.

Also not needy. Did a deep dive when i started having issues with my wife who i've been with since 2006. I realize that i have often dated women who have had very difficult childhoods. It's not as bad as being a Captain Save a Ho like the many who go after single moms, divorced women etc, but there are some similiarities.