LDR with SM

[bcude]

So, i need to hear some tough love i guess. GF of 1.5 years (long distance), highly emotional and strong family values, we met many times but it went months in between at some points, she was really into me, single mother as she is wanting a provider and building a new family and having another child and also marrying young (she is 34) in other words biological clock freaking her out. I was acting distant exploring my options for a looong time basically we were having fun on trips but she wasn't highest on my priority list, she could feel it and kept chasing. Somewhere along the way i turned down sex one night and this is the point where we lost our connection and sex stopped because she felt so turned down with this incidence. Then we had a major fight over some other reasons, i acted like a wuss and let her get away with pushing boundries, from here on her respect for me started to go down. She was so invested in me that she paid for therapy to discuss it all. Anyway she said she still wanted me but needed to move on with her life with or without me (as in moving in together) so she wanted an answer by new year, i had to think about this big decision of moving away from my country and my hesitation made her burst into tears of sadness and it so happend that i didn't visit to celebrate our planned christmas together during this time because of this fight and all hurt feelings (which made her furious).
When i finally told her i've decided to move and give it a go she said she didn't trust me with her heart anymore and didn't miss me anymore. Basically she broke up with me emotionally at this point. I wasn't welcome in her house and she realised it was wrong of her to push me into this decision to move, so she never saw the intentions as sincere from my side. I needed time.
This is the point where her interest level started to fade.

We agreed on meeting up to see "what we have and where we stand" and so we did a couple of weeks later, this turned out way better than expected she said with sexual chemistry, strong feelings and all that jazz and the flame re-ignated where she told me she loved me for the first time. I thought all was well blinded by stronger and stronger feelings. 2 weeks later without any real plan of moving forward she broke up "for now" officially with the words "if we would have been living in the same city after our last meeting we could have built on those feelings".

Couple of days later after silence she contacted me again wanting to "discuss" and said if maybe i moved to her city we could give it a chance after all and that was the only way forward. I said yes since this is what i really wanted.
She became more and more absent fed up with this "distance thing" as she put it and our communication faded. She was clearly confused about what she wanted and i could sense her struggle.
Then she went away 1 month to Asia (long planned trip) with her daughter, at the end of the stay she texted me to say she was sorry but her feelings had changed and she saw me now ONLY as a friend by now.
We met up to talk, she had a closed off body language, offered friendship which i declined. She told me she met someone on her trip she "got strong feelings for" (holiday rebound). We parted on friendly terms with her saying "see you". Since then NC for 2 months. She blamed the "timing" and "long lost connection" and she was not interested in me moving to her city to give us a chance anymore. She also never returned a signed book she borrowed from me which was her christmas gift to me, although she knows i want it back (confused about that move).

I've realised i've not acted as the leader and let her "take over" command and even step on me on some occations. Thing is i will visit her city from time to time but i guess this is just to give up completely with no hope whatsoever?

Cliffs:
- I didn't make her feel important
- She started to pressure me
- Lost respect and attraction
- Broke up

 

[lamath]

Tl/dr

If you dont set the right dynamic at the start, its very hard to fix later on.

Dating a mom that wants a provider and is a ldr come on !!!!! Be smart, call it quit before you ruin your life.

 

[Machine10033]

Bullet dodged man... the majority of single moms are parasites looking for their next host

 

[Spaz]

She's not a problem.

But you are.

And its a major problem.

Start to build a proper frame, a strong one, 1st you need knowledge, you can acquire it by reading from the DJ Bible, understand it fully and then put it into practice - that's the 2nd part.

You can't leapfrogged into being great so it has to be baby steps before you can eventually run.

 

[bcude]

Thanks guys.

She's not a problem.

But you are.

And its a major problem.

Start to build a proper frame, a strong one, 1st you need knowledge, you can acquire it by reading from the DJ Bible, understand it fully and then put it into practice - that's the 2nd part.

You can't leapfrogged into being great so it has to be baby steps before you can eventually run.

Yeah, honestly i have a problem with setting boundries and knowing my boundries and i find this is extremely HARD so any pointers would be grateful, i've been surfing around this forum for it already. In this case i kind of know i have ****ed up immensely so i felt her anger and furiosity was in place and called for. Why did i **** up? Well, i didn't know what i wanted at the time and my indecisiveness showed through my actions and as we know a man can't be like that. I guess it comes down to living honest and being upfront with what you want and this is an area i need to work on.

 

[bcude]

Oh, and one observation from all this i've made last couple of months since problem started to arise in the relationship: I could literally see her falling apart and being miserable. She became an emotional wreck and suffered immensely to the point you could see it on her appearance that she wasn't feeling happy. She even told me at some point how this had taken a huge toll on her. First time i've experienced how extremely emotional and what a big role romantic relationships play in the lives of women.

 

[lamath]

Oh, and one observation from all this i've made last couple of months since problem started to arise in the relationship: I could literally see her falling apart and being miserable. She became an emotional wreck and suffered immensely to the point you could see it on her appearance that she wasn't feeling happy. She even told me at some point how this had taken a huge toll on her. First time i've experienced how extremely emotional and what a big role romantic relationships play in the lives of women.

An other reason to run, emotionaly unstable.

You cant save ppl like that.

 

[HOOVERMEBABY]

I date single moms but I am 48.What in tarnation are you a young man of 37 trying to raise another mans demon seed for ? don't be a schmuck.Let me guess the baby daddy pays no child support.

 

[bcude]

I date single moms but I am 48.What in tarnation are you a young man of 37 trying to raise another mans demon seed for ? don't be a schmuck.Let me guess the baby daddy pays no child support.

The baby daddy is in the picture and spends both time with his daugher and pays for her as he should. According to my ex he never loved her, he just wanted a child with her. That's why she left him eventually. Makes sense in the way that he seem to care about his child tbh but i never met him so i don't know him at all.

 

[Kotaix]

I've been in your shoes with the LDR thing and the cold feet on moving, I didn't follow thru either and I'm much happier for it. Nothing good ever comes from an LDR. Promise yourself you'll never do it again!

Your indecisiveness is only part of the problem, but I see it as an intuitive and unconscious move on your part to avoid what was a huge risk and bound to be a train wreck in the making. You moving your life to suit her need for a provider is a total beta move and would instantly fill her vagene with sand. I see that as the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[bcude]

I've been in your shoes with the LDR thing and the cold feet on moving, I didn't follow thru either and I'm much happier for it. Nothing good ever comes from an LDR. Promise yourself you'll never do it again!

Your indecisiveness is only part of the problem, but I see it as an intuitive and unconscious move on your part to avoid what was a huge risk and bound to be a train wreck in the making. You moving your life to suit her need for a provider is a total beta move and would instantly fill her vagene with sand. I see that as the straw that broke the camel's back.

Good post and i feel you are onto something there. Of course such a big move needs to be thought through and my gut wasn't sure although i'm rather in the playing it safe corner than just doing impulsive decisions generally. This time i wanted to follow through mostly because i have such strong feelings for this woman. I could always move back if it wouldn't work out was my reasoning and i wouldn't sell my apartment where i live now for a while since i have that financial luxury.

I agree with your last comment aswell. I know a man shouldn't bend over backwards to please the woman, however the LDR and constant distance always becomes the problem after a while. So we have to solve the problem - the distance. But we are seen as beta in the woman's eyes at the same time if we grant her wish and come to her. Predicament.
So you could argue it's okay to do it when her IL is high and she still "loves" you and once that is gone it's better to leave the relationship than to work on the solution (removing distance) because we can never deny that (excessive) absence removes any kind of connection, intimacy, passion people in a LDR might have, especially for women. I don't have the answer to this but it's certainly a practical aspect to it which calls for some strategic moves and in this case our living situations made me move to her the obvious choice.