The Duke
Master Don Juan
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...laws-attraction-how-do-we-select-life-partner
Two main theories have guided scientific thinking on the subject. First is evolutionary theory (link is external), which claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics, and personality features that promote our chances to survive and reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us
On the other hand, 'social role theory,’ developed by the American psychologist Alice Eagly (link is external), argues that social—rather than biological—processes dictate our social choices. According to this argument, the mate selection rules are dictated by the roles that women and men occupy in society. Thus, people's preferences in the search for a mate are expected to shift as social roles and norms shift. For example, women are attracted to men with power and money because society limits their own ability to gain power and money. If, tomorrow, most positions of power and money go to women, then a man’s status and wealth will matter much less to women, while male beauty, youth, and stamina may come to matter more.
Physical Attraction
Physical beauty (link is external) is an important life advantage, and it is of fundamental significance in the mating game. Bottom line: you do not want to spend your life with someone you find physically repellent. Physical attraction, it turns out, obeys the laws of the market: the best goods cost more, and so buyers do not get what they want but what they can afford. Ultimately, the rich drive the Mercedes, the middle class drives the Toyota and the poor ride the bus. Similarly with physical attractiveness, beautiful people end up with others who are very beautiful, average looking with average looking, etc.
Personality and Character
Research on the personality factors that attract us to others (and others to us) has identified two personality factors that are considered across the board desirable: competence and warmth (link is external). Competent people, that is to say intelligent and socially skilled, are considered more attractive. Kind people with a warm personality are also more attractive. Warm and wise is a winning pair in the mate selection tournament.
Similarity
This is without a doubt the most powerful finding in this area. We are drawn to people who are like us. (link is external) Christians will appeal to other Christians. Educated people are drawn to other educated people, leftists love leftists, extroverts love extroverts, etc. On almost every parameter of background, personality, values, and experience, we prefer someone who has a lot in common with us over someone who is totally different from us, and also over someone who ‘completes’ or complements us. The ocean wants the ocean, not the beach, and not the boat. One reason for this preference is that it’s easier for us to communicate, understand, know, and trust someone who speaks our language, gets our culture, shares our values, or believes in our God. The second reason is that loving someone similar to us amounts, psychologically, to killing two birds with one stone: He’s wonderful, and he’s just like me; therefore, I'm wonderful! And who does not want to feel wonderful?
Love vs. Status/Resources
When choosing a partner, we frequently engage in internal negotiations whereby the value of romantic love is pitted against the value of social status and economic security. If the love is strong, we may sacrifice security or economic status. If the potential partner’s status is high, we may compromise regarding the intensity of our romantic feelings.
Dependable/Stable vs. Good Looks/Health
When choosing a partner, we tend to compromise regarding emotional stability if the potential partner is very attractive physically. Alternatively, we may agree to accept a less attractive partner if they are exceptionally stable and emotionally sound.
Sociability vs. Similar Religion
Someone of the same religion as us will be seen as an attractive choice even if he or she does not possess a particularly sociable character. A potential partner who’s very sociable by nature will attract us even if they don’t share our religious background.
These four factors operate, independently, in both men and women; but for the first three, significant differences were found between the sexes. In general, women place more importance on socio-economic status than romantic love. Women also prefer emotional stability to attractive appearance, and they prefer intelligence to the desire to have children. Status, emotional stability, and intelligence are less important features for men when they seek a long-term partner. Men emphasize the value of external beauty, youth and physical health, and a desire for children.
In addition, studies indicate that women are more selective and demanding than men when choosing a life partner. One reason is that women have more to lose in making a bad choice. The poet Margaret Atwood once said: "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." Women are more vulnerable, and so they need to be more cautious. Another reason for female selectivity is that bringing an offspring into the world is a much more demanding and dangerous matter for a woman than it is for a man. The one who is going to invest more and take a greater risk necessarily examines the investment more carefully.
Two main theories have guided scientific thinking on the subject. First is evolutionary theory (link is external), which claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics, and personality features that promote our chances to survive and reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us
On the other hand, 'social role theory,’ developed by the American psychologist Alice Eagly (link is external), argues that social—rather than biological—processes dictate our social choices. According to this argument, the mate selection rules are dictated by the roles that women and men occupy in society. Thus, people's preferences in the search for a mate are expected to shift as social roles and norms shift. For example, women are attracted to men with power and money because society limits their own ability to gain power and money. If, tomorrow, most positions of power and money go to women, then a man’s status and wealth will matter much less to women, while male beauty, youth, and stamina may come to matter more.
Physical Attraction
Physical beauty (link is external) is an important life advantage, and it is of fundamental significance in the mating game. Bottom line: you do not want to spend your life with someone you find physically repellent. Physical attraction, it turns out, obeys the laws of the market: the best goods cost more, and so buyers do not get what they want but what they can afford. Ultimately, the rich drive the Mercedes, the middle class drives the Toyota and the poor ride the bus. Similarly with physical attractiveness, beautiful people end up with others who are very beautiful, average looking with average looking, etc.
Personality and Character
Research on the personality factors that attract us to others (and others to us) has identified two personality factors that are considered across the board desirable: competence and warmth (link is external). Competent people, that is to say intelligent and socially skilled, are considered more attractive. Kind people with a warm personality are also more attractive. Warm and wise is a winning pair in the mate selection tournament.
Similarity
This is without a doubt the most powerful finding in this area. We are drawn to people who are like us. (link is external) Christians will appeal to other Christians. Educated people are drawn to other educated people, leftists love leftists, extroverts love extroverts, etc. On almost every parameter of background, personality, values, and experience, we prefer someone who has a lot in common with us over someone who is totally different from us, and also over someone who ‘completes’ or complements us. The ocean wants the ocean, not the beach, and not the boat. One reason for this preference is that it’s easier for us to communicate, understand, know, and trust someone who speaks our language, gets our culture, shares our values, or believes in our God. The second reason is that loving someone similar to us amounts, psychologically, to killing two birds with one stone: He’s wonderful, and he’s just like me; therefore, I'm wonderful! And who does not want to feel wonderful?
Love vs. Status/Resources
When choosing a partner, we frequently engage in internal negotiations whereby the value of romantic love is pitted against the value of social status and economic security. If the love is strong, we may sacrifice security or economic status. If the potential partner’s status is high, we may compromise regarding the intensity of our romantic feelings.
Dependable/Stable vs. Good Looks/Health
When choosing a partner, we tend to compromise regarding emotional stability if the potential partner is very attractive physically. Alternatively, we may agree to accept a less attractive partner if they are exceptionally stable and emotionally sound.
Sociability vs. Similar Religion
Someone of the same religion as us will be seen as an attractive choice even if he or she does not possess a particularly sociable character. A potential partner who’s very sociable by nature will attract us even if they don’t share our religious background.
These four factors operate, independently, in both men and women; but for the first three, significant differences were found between the sexes. In general, women place more importance on socio-economic status than romantic love. Women also prefer emotional stability to attractive appearance, and they prefer intelligence to the desire to have children. Status, emotional stability, and intelligence are less important features for men when they seek a long-term partner. Men emphasize the value of external beauty, youth and physical health, and a desire for children.
In addition, studies indicate that women are more selective and demanding than men when choosing a life partner. One reason is that women have more to lose in making a bad choice. The poet Margaret Atwood once said: "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." Women are more vulnerable, and so they need to be more cautious. Another reason for female selectivity is that bringing an offspring into the world is a much more demanding and dangerous matter for a woman than it is for a man. The one who is going to invest more and take a greater risk necessarily examines the investment more carefully.