Jokes

[Rave18]

If you feel like it, please share something that you found funny.

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

Link

 

[simimatt]

Which bat got selected to stand on his right hand, there was no end

 

[Vantagepoint34]

A bobcat on a farm.

 

[Rave18]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[Rave18]

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on their way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHHHHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
-
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[Vantagepoint34]

Ity bity man arrives to the land of slow. What happens to him?

Selling more of these for $20 each.

 

[Rave18]

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2013/07/15#.UrLMk1NYBR0

 

[Rave18]

Merry Christmas

http://www.abroadstudy.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Funny-Christmas-Quotes.gif

 

[Rave18]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

[Rave18]

Spying On Hot Neighbor Chick Goes Horribly Wrong

She lived across the street, was married and had amazing long tresses. It went on for years.

Thank God I stopped while I still had time

http://www.addfunny.com/videos/funny/14661.html

 

[Rave18]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.


Robot for sale.

 

[Rave18]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,

"Are there any gators around here?!"

"No," the man hollered back,

"they ain't been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,

"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."
-
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted.

"No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,

"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

 

[backseatjuan]

An old muslim man before his death decided to go see muhammad and ask him how he lived his life and did he do good. He climbed the highest mountain for 3 days and finally saw buddah. Old man asked buddah, oh tell me please buddah, where can I find muhhamad? Buddah said, keep climbing muhammad is higher. So old man kept on climbing for 3 more day and saw moses. Old man asks moses, oh please tell me moses where can I find muhhamad? Moses said, keep climbing muhammad is higher. Old man cheered, after all muhhamd resides higher than moses and buddah. So he kept on climbing for 3 more day, and saw jesus. Old man was happy that muhammad was higher than buddah, moses and jesus, and said, hey what's up jesus, the two talked about life and everything for a long time. Then old man remember he wanted to see muhammad and said to jesus. Listen jesus it was nice talking to you but I really come here to see muhammad, do you know where I can find him? Jesus said, oh muhammad? No problem! Hey muhammad bring us some tea.

 

[Rave18]

A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal. A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.
After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"
-
Benifits of Being an Athiest

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

[BeDJ]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We have to know that you'll follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you'll find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her.'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

The third man was told what to do and given a gun. Minutes later, shots were heard with screaming, crashing and banging against the walls. The man finally comes out with blood all over and exclaimed, 'The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to strangle her to death!"



I told this joke during a bachelorette party, it did not go very well.

 

[Rave18]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

[Rave18]

Dutch football fans vs. Ukrainian reporter

http://youtu.be/NW7MiaobRX8
-
The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

 

[Bible_Belt]

A little boy goes into the church confession booth and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

From the other side of the booth: You better not be cheating on me you little bastard!!!

 

[Rave18]

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

 

[logicallefty]

What do you call a blonde standing on her hands?



A brunette with bad breath..