jealousy problem

[donniewahnie]

I seem to have a small jealousy problem, especially when it comes to women and relationships. This basically stems from a previous ltr I had with a girl who used to flat out lie to my face and hang out/hook up with guys behind my back. This unfortunately has led me to be very skeptical about people in general and question their integrity, motives, and actions.

I've currently been with a girl for a couple of months now and things are great. She's totally into me and can't seem to get enough of me. We're exclusive and I do trust her, but I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head that she is up to something behind my back, even though I know she is not. She's given me no reason even to believe it to be true besides maybe having some guy friends that she's known for a while or met through other people, which is perfectly normal. But I can't help to get weird feelings or thoughts in my head when her phone rings while we're together and she doesn't answer it, has cryptic phone conversations around me, or gets text messages from dudes that are friends of hers. I start having flashbacks to how my ex operated and it drives me nuts.

I stress again that she has done nothing to even lead me to believe that she is up to something. I am just wondering how I can get rid of this stupid jealousy because I don't want it to ruin what could be a good thing. I try and tell myself that I talk with other people, etc. so I do the same things, but it doesn't change my overall mindset. Anyone else have stupid thoughts like this and how did you squash them?

 

[WestCoaster]

It's tough

A long time ago I had the jealousy bug bad, too. It came from insecurity, and yeah, some gals cheating behind my back. Jealousy is tied directly into "oneitis" thinking that the gal you are with is the ONLY gal on planet earth and if you lose her, you can't get another one.

1. Change your perspective. Accept that if you lose the girl, it's part of life.

2. If she is a cheater or wants to be with other guys, who wants her anyway?

3. I don't advocate cheating, but I think playing the field is often better than having a girlfriend. You meet more people, see and hear different perspectives, and it's a quick cure for oneitis. I love having a gf, but honestly? Playing the field is equally as fun ... though I wouldn't want to do it the rest of my life. If you''re in your 20's, I'd definitely dump the gf and play the field. It will cure the jealousy/oneitis bug in no time.

Good luck!

 

[Desdinova]

I've taken on the "one chance" attitude. Basically, anyone who comes into my life get one chance to be aquainted with me. This includes men and women. If they screw up my trust in them, they're out of my life. I don't need to put up with stressful bull5hit from other people.

I've also taken on the mentality of my woman "making her choice". As long as I continue to be her choice for a relationship, she's good in my books. The day I'm no longer her choice, she's out the door.

Everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Give them the chance of being innocent until they prove they're not.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Great advice by WestCoaster there.

Donnie, I want to add that jealousy is your thing. It's nobody elses. You might want to consider that jealousy does nothing but push her away. (well, my ex wouldn't agree. she told me she wished I'd been a little jealous to show I cared<barf>)

Let me tell you from my experience, the feelings you have when you hear cryptic messages, or when she has her phone off on a Friday night, are real feelings. They are yours and respect them, for they are all we truly have. Act on your feelings man. Don't be afraid. While I'm not jealous at all, I should have trusted my other emotions many times, and now regret it.

Now, I'd rather make a mistake in acting on my emotions than not acting at all and repressing them. Jealousy is an emotion that you do not need to feel, and if your are uncomfortable with what your feeling, then let her know your expectations. If she's got a problem with that, then she wasn't interested enough in you anyways, and you saved time for a better woman.

 

[MightyMate]

There is no love without jealousy.

 

[Sinistar]

Originally posted by donniewahnie
We're exclusive and I do trust her, but I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head that she is up to something behind my back, even though I know she is not.

...as Trim just wrote, those feelings you are getting are real feelings and they are yours. Pay attention to them. Ask yourself this question, how much of this post is really to work thru jealousy and what part is because your little voice is twangin'?

Originally posted by donniewahnie
I stress again that she has done nothing to even lead me to believe that she is up to something. [/B]

Okay, I switched the order but it would seem you are answering your own question...

Originally posted by donniewahnie
<...snipped...> But I can't help to get weird feelings or thoughts in my head when her phone rings while we're together and she doesn't answer it, has cryptic phone conversations around me, or gets text messages from dudes that are friends of hers. <snipped>. [/B]

Remember jealousy is basically a fear of losing something you already have. You are perceiving your GF to be 'yours'. Perhaps you should reframe it that you are the PRIZE, you don't belong to anyone, nor does she and your choice has been to let her be with you!

Another spin/reframe on this. Jealousy can be a form of motivation. Thru this you are realizing the value you (and the cryptic callers) have placed on her (you can view this in good ways or bad ways).

The part that could screw it all up is if she has already locked onto your concerns (very probable for a woman). If you say anything, you'll fail the test. If you say nothing it will get even worse if she senses increased insecurity.

If your gut keeps telling you something is wrong I think you'll have to take some kind of action?

Maybe just tell her you're "taking a break" for a bit and don't explain anything. Go silent for a few days. Do some other stuff to get your mind off of it. Put a little distance between you so she can't lock onto your insecurity. See what happens. Perhaps if she's locked onto your insecurity her mind will spin during the break and she'll figure out you're not going to tolerate the cryptic sh!t.