Iv'e Been trying to figure out how to handle these situations.... (long)

[Boricua_33015]

But it always ends up with me being in a fight at the end or some physical aggression. Im talking about guys that take me as a joke or people just making fun of me and treating me like Im a b1tch. They call me names like a pvssy or soft ass b1tch. These guys enjoy talking about me like that but one day it just has to stop.

Im going to make this a little long because I want you guys to know where Im coming from because I know there are alot of people that are just like me and it will not only help me but help others.

At first if someone does start making fun of me or just taking me as a joke I just take IT as a joke and laugh and then give them a taste of their own medicine while smiling or say something ****y and funny and it would seem like I really didnt care but I just said that to say something back, because if I just stay quiet then I will look like a soft and/or pvssy ass b1tch and I dont want that in my rep. I really feel my rep goin down as I watch everyones reaction to someone messing with me. I guess because alot poeple are intimidated in me (i can sense it) for some reason, I dunno why, Im just a pretty big guy and I look like one punch from me and that person goes down bleeding from the nose. I probably could but its not my intention to do it. Ive been in alot of fights (bout 10 to 20, somewhere around there) but I never wanted to break someones nose like that cuz I have broken my own nose falling off a bike and I have a scar there to mark right where it happen. It seriously looks like almost an X cuz the scar is pretty big. But for some reason people dont see it unless I show them or they notice cuz they were studying my face (its not that apparent it kinda hides in my skin color). Whatever, I have never done it but now Im to the point that one day I just want to do it to one person that REALLY is asking for it and he pushes me over the line. WHen I fight I usually dont have to do it cuz I could win by punching him across the face and keep punching him till hez on the ground, or kicking (thats my strategy, alot of peple these days dont kick, and since I used to take tae kwon do classes I know how to kick well and I back off him to let him get up or something and then up for round 2 and beat him down again. If he made me madd enough that he actually made me cry cuz he didnt stop then I keep hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting until somone breaks it up, but I dont resist to the breaking up cuz I know I done messed him up.

Everyone then laughs. Later they would then start taking me as a joke again and then I would again take it as a joke. If he does it a third time thats when I give him a dirty ass neghit that hurts him right in the heart but is also funny with to everyone else. He gets madd. Later he decides he wants to start again but this time more furiously. I call him on it and try to diffuse it by telling him dont call me that again or just tell him that it aint funny and show him that it aint funny.

If he decides to do it again I get mad. Then it really gets me pissed and I more louder tell him to stop. He does it and KNOWS he is pissing me off (hes asking for it, he knows what he is doing) till I blow up and they see me get all emotional and start crying (seriously, I dont know why I cry but I cant stop it, my rep just is hurt so bad and I cant control it and I screaming at him telling him u really want me to **** u up huh and if I get crazy enough I start the fight right then and there). I mean I started crying, what else is there to do, now I have to fight him to because the crying by itself made me look like a soft ass pvssy.

Thats the end of it, they respect me. Only once have there been people looking to **** me up becuse I ****ed one of there boys up. It wasnt even because that kid was making fun of me. It just happened. Its another long story but I aint gonna make this even longer with another long ass story. That time I didnt know what to do cuz these guys were gonna **** me up with pipes and chains wrapped around there knuckles and brass knuckles. They went up to me in lunch the same day of the fight and told me to go outside for a second (they made it real obvious that they wanted to fight me, they came in the lunch room with the chains already wrapped around there fingers.) I told them nah I aint goin and they just walked away calling me a soft ass pvssy etc. Sh1t! Theres a difference between being stupid, acting hard just to act hard, and being smart and avoid the "rush" (as we call it here in miami-dade county). When I got home that day I was so fukin bothered by all that was happening and I had to tell someone so I told my mom (i had no freinds to tell, I had no freinds, I never had any freinds. Until 2 years ago but thats another story). Not knowing that my mom was going to be so worried about me she told the principal in the school and they called me and that kid into the office. The police officer of the school was in there and he talked to us and we acted like we were straight with each other. We werent really cool with each other but we just never talked to each other ever again since that day of the fight. I had to talk off some sh1t talkers after the fight saying that I told a teacher or something about it and thats how the principal found out. Whatever, ever since that day in nobody messed with me.

That was that last fight I had in the city that I lived in (it was a bad area). My mom sent me to live with my dad who lived with his girlfreind and her 2 daughters and now their grandmother just moved in. My mom said I was causing too much trouble there with the fights and she said I didnt get along with people well. Plus I had been trying to get myself to live with my father for years (my mom was always a ***** to me, she really acts like she doesnt care about me. She did alot of pretty messed up stuff and still does and IS doing rite now things that people heard and said that a mother who loves their own child would never do. Child abuse, and emotional abuse and simply treating me like Im not even her child.

Whatever, so now I live with my dad. He is a big pothead and has let me try weed before. My mom doesnt know any of this. I started living here 2 years ago. New city, new house, new life, new beginning. But I still had the mentality of my old life. I didnt fit in. The ghetto or gangsta appearance in this new school got old 2 years ago when they kicked out all the REAL gangsters and the kids started dressing preppy and like they were going to a club and the whole prep scene hit the area. they kicked out all the gangsta kids from the school out and the preppy and more mature look became really popular here in this new city. It all happened in a year or 2 because this city isnt really a ghetto area.

 

[Boricua_33015]

So now they see me and Im all ghetto looking. People are intimidated by me. People are still intimidated by me. Nobody really ****s with me. Not yet at least, i only have like 4 weeks of school left. If nothing happens, then Ill be cool. I hope nobody steps out of line. Rite now its light joking like waking me up when Im sleeping or touching tapping me and acting like no one tapped me. Its like or 3 guys that do it. They sit in back of me in a class. They cool with me though.

Today I decided to smoke a joint that my dad gave me and then go chill at my freinds house. Most of my freinds go to his house and we all meet up there. Well the freind (K) that lives there was there and so was my other freind (O) who was there. The one that lives in the house (K) had left to go play some ball in the court while me and O stayed in the house. (he trusts us). Well then O's brother (G) calls and tells him to pick him up so he can chill at K's house too. As soon as they get back G knows that Im high, he can tell I guess and he starts calling me names and treating me like a *****, making fun of me. So I call him on it and tell him that hes mad cuz Im high and hes not but Im stuttering like hell (I have trouble talking when Im high because I feel very insecure when Im high and around people, I get so worried about everything I say). Whatever, his brother is on the computer in the living room so I go over there and he says "what happened? is my brother talking sh!t? and Im like yea. He asks me why do I get so mad, I said cuz I dont like it. He says that I just take everything to the heart. I say no because "he does it to only me". He really does it alot when Im high, he knows that Im insecure. I made my self very vulnerable with G by going to him with my problems but I know that now I cant do that with anybody because G and his brother just have pity for me rite now. THey have always pityied me. G knows what hits me in the heart, he knows Im insecure about my rep and what people think of me so he treats me like Im his *****. I dont like being in that position. So I go back to him and ask him why he does that to me. He says cuz Im a soft ass b1tch and I wont do anything. I got mad and I said "what do u want me to do huh? u want me to slap u?" He said "u wont do it cuz ur soft" I said "if thats what it takes for u to stop talking **** then I will" He just said "shutup u *****" I said "no I wont shutup cuz I want u to stop talking **** ur the one acting like a ***** that looks like ur mad and taking ur anger out on me. He said "no why would I be angry, Im messin wit u because I can and u wont do anything about it" I got up all pissed and slowly started talking to him with my hand up ready to slap him "Do u want me to slap u, do u really want me to slap u, that bad? it looks like it." He sad "chris ur taking everything to the heart, chill out! Dont u know that Im just jokin around? Lets play Def Jam Vendetta"a game on the XBOX system. I was a little high and mad so I just kept picturing all that has happened after all I had sat back down. Then he told me to turn on the Gamecube but since I was zoned out I didnt really hear him. That was the first time I ever zoned out when I was high. I guess because I had never really warned anybody before about what I was going do to try to assert myself. Instead I would used to just fight so quickly and now Im trying to diffuse it without fighting. So I wasnt use to this. Whatever, he tried repeating it to and to wake me up and I said what man?? He said to "turn on the XBOX u fvcking dumb ass" I stayed looking at him. He said "what u lookin at faggot" he looked at me like he wanted to fight me, with a mean face and he seized me (look down then up back at the person, people do that to let them know that they are mad at them or they dont like u or something, its like a hard look.) I said "im lookin at u ***** what do u think I told u I aint no joke stop callin me names and makin fun of me". He said "just turn on the game u soft hoe" THATS IT. After that I slapped him and I slapped him hard. I stood my ground and didnt go nowhere, he took some time to react but I stood there so he had to do something. He stood up and slapped me but not as hard like a b1tch. He was saying "i dont like it when people slap me ur lucky ur a freind and I dont wanna beat u down but If u do it again ur gonna get a beatdown" I said "are u gona stop talking sh1t" He said "no just sit down or chill or something u look like ur gonna cry, I can tell ur eyes are getting teary and ur face is twitching". It was, it really was. I dont know why but I started crying. WOW. I cant beleive I cried. I am so ashamed of myself. Its not the first time either. Because I cry all the time this sh*t happens. ALL THE TIME. People just keep messing with me until i BLOW UP in their face. Because I really dont know how to assert myself with words, I made myself to vulnerable by being that depressed boy back when I was the biggest below average AFC and talked about all my life and my problems. THen I finally learned to never do that again but this guy has taken it to his advantage. Back to the story.........

 

[Boricua_33015]

I was crying, my face was emtionless though. I wasnt making any noise or sobbing, just tears went down my face. If tears didnt go down my face nobody wouldve thought I was sad or w/e about something. So I started screaming. Kind of *****ing yo man what did I tell u man Im sick and tired of ur bullsh1t, u dont respect me, u treat me like a b1tch, u mess wit me when Im high, fvck this im out this place!" ANd I walked home.

In the end Im back at my place typing on this website thinking of that can I do now. These so called freinds can now tell everyone their own version of the story because they are brothers. Blood in blood out, and they will defend each other. Now if worse comes to worse then all my freinds turn on me because to them Im probably still the "new guy", they have ALL been freinds since elementary and middle school so I dont know. G was the only one I chilled with in lunch, along with the group that he chills with in lunch. But I am no freind of anybody in the group, I joke around with them and stuff but I never really had a conversation with them. I can still chill with them but I dont really know them well and plus why am I going to chill with G if Im having problems with him. I dont want to be lonely in lunch so Im trying to figure out how can I deal with this and how can I be freindly with people I dont know. Im not a really freindly person. It takes some time for people to get to know me. I usually only talk small talk with them, or joke around as they joke around in class. Would it be alrite to just find them and chill with some of them during lunch? Or would it seem awckward?

Im planning to go back to my freinds house tomorow. Those are the only people I chill with, my freind and everyone that goes to his house. I smoked and drank with everyone before and I was accepted in the circle of freinds but once they got to know my Below Average AFC self I back away and still chill with them but I dont really act freindly with them, more like ****y. Because I basically had to go through with all of this with 3 of the freinds already. All the times I was almost gonna get in a fight with them and the other freinds were there to stop it and help each other out and now we are all good freinds but I still act kind of ****y with them. Now with these 2 brothers, no one was there to diffuse the problem and now everything might go down hill ever since 5 hours ago (ive been writing this for about 4 hours because I keep leaving and coming back to write this, also been taking time to make this as sensible as possible).

So now Im going to smoke another joint my dad rolled up. Think about today and think about what can I do and prepare myself for tomorrow. Come to some realizations probably. Like one, I have been thinking of quitting weed because when I am insecure around people. Whatever, but I usually like to be high by myself and think about stuff, about life, my mind races when I am high and I think of alot of ideas and things. So Ill have my mindset on tomorrow and think about that. Weed really helps my "minds eye", as so I think it does that to everyone too. The minds eye lets u picture urself and visualize (or zone out if u wanna see it that way) situations alot easier. Like lets say one day Im going to see a girl or be in a situation Ill get high and think about it the day before, about what can I say, get prepared, visualize myself being a confident person, making everything about the situation in my mind perfect. Then when I do that the next day Ill be alot better than I was if I didnt get high. I can probably do this being sober but I would probably have to try harder because being high lets u escape realizty and open doors in your mind and it just makes ur mind open, I dont know how to explain it.

Im just babbling on I know, but w/e, I guess u got to see how I am (probably think of me as a big ass burnout now, lol). Ill end this. Any good feedback will be greatly appreciated.

 

[drixsa]

um maybe u should take a 3-5 hitS AND jus pass it

i like to get high every once in a while but jesus

u cant ever talk?

u need to give that **** a rest

 

[K56Connect]

Who here asked for a novel?

 

[Smooth as Anything]

Note to everyone://

If you intend on making an extensive post, please use perfect grammar. Copy and paste it from Microsoft Word after spellcheck or something, it is not difficult by any means.

 

[es_mer8]

Cut the weed. Seriously, you're just looking like a ***** whenever you use it.

 

[RawkinKaoticStyle]

IM NOT READIN ALL THIS

haha naw , ill read later tonight,

 

[vinch]

dude, either start laughing and shortl;y after say no, that wasn't funy, and them ocunterjoke them, make them loiok like idiots. if that doesn't work, jsut leave and start talking to other people... i was like that during my eraly middle school years... sad past... but i got over with it, now im just another guy in the group...

 

[Boricua_33015]

yea i decided last weekend to quit. I was at a get together at one of my freinds house with like 10 people just chilling and we all got high and I was quiet almost the whole night. Of course I spoke when I had to but most of the night I looked lost and just out of every social interaction there was.

 

[drixsa]

FYI- when u make posts that longgggggggg

and u dont space em out

almost no one is going to read em

we dont need your life story or every detail

jus sum it up