Is there some truth in "Just be yourself"?

[IASGame]

I think there is some fundamental truth inside the "Just be yourself" classic advice, as long as it is interpreted in doing what you want to do (as opposed to what women or anyone else wants you to do).

As many things in life, the problem I have with the "Just be yourself" is that it is an exaggeration and therefore unrealistic. "Be yourself" I think would be correct advice and I don't think removing the "Just" from it makes the advice too unspecific that it would no longer be useful advice.
In my opinion in telling some guy "Be yourself" could summarise wise advice including valuable stuff like "Play to your strengths" (e.g. if you are intelligent use that in your favour) and implicitly indicate you should have self-esteem. I think Rollo Tomassi may prefer to phrase it as "Be the best yourself you can be".

Incidentally I remember seeing some studies which hinted that improving things you are already good at (or maybe naturally good at) is a better time investment over shoring up weaknesses, if so that is the general strategy to being the best yourself you can be.

The major danger with the "Just" part of the classic version of the advice is that it gets in the way of self-improvement, which is something I think almost everyone should strive for.

 

[WanderingMan]

The major danger with the "Just" part of the classic version of the advice is that it gets in the way of self-improvement, which is something I think almost everyone should strive for.

Agreed.

Be comfortable with yourself. Inner game, confidence, no fvcks given....that kind of thing. Although, you should always be improving, be okay with who you are - yourself.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I'd rephrase the "be the best self you can be" to be the most honest self you can be.

Most guys are NOT themselves when they are around a gorgeous woman. They walk on eggshells, and withhold their honest selves for fear of rejection.

if ALL YOU DID was act the SAME WAY you did around her as you did your closest friends (except maybe cleaning up your language a bit) then you'd do much much better.

You wouldn't "bust her balls" unless it was genuine

You wouldn't "pay her a compliment" unless you were genuinely impressed.

You wouldn't agree with her opinion unless you really did.

If you disagreed, you wouldn't be afraid to show it.

If she crossed your boundaries, you wouldn't be afraid to tell her.

If she did something that decreased your attraction for her, you'd leave.

Of course, being your "honest" self means that your real "self" isn't some chode who thinks all women are goddesses. You've got to have a certain degree of self confidence, self esteem, and an honest belief that you can get laid by plenty of women, and you can hold your frame reasonably well.

But the MORE you are your honest self around attractive women, the sooner this will happen.

 

[speed dawg]

Incidentally I remember seeing some studies which hinted that improving things you are already good at (or maybe naturally good at) is a better time investment over shoring up weaknesses, if so that is the general strategy to being the best yourself you can be.

My theory is to let your strengths guide you, and shore up your weaknesses just enough that they don't hold you back.

Examples:

My strength is math, judgement, and administration/organization/planning. I used those to figure out my career field for the most part. My weaknesses are being social, speaking in public, things like that. So I counter them by using my strengths and being super prepared. After a few times, while they don't become strengths, they DO cease to be weaknesses.

I guess you could apply this for strictly social environments too, as well as hobbies. Socially, I'm never going to thrive as the center of attention, but I am very good one on one. I am very receptive to teaching, so I enjoy hobbies where I can take lessons or classes.

Honestly, I've just started figuring these things out in the past year or so. Good thread. I think many people use 'Just Be Yourself' as a crutch. You still have to figure out what's right and wrong, good and bad, strengths and weaknesses.

 

[IASGame]

Edit: double post, sorry

 

[IASGame]

Being overly literal is part of my personality so I worry a bit (too much?) about semantics.

I'm glad to see some of you got the gist of what I was going for.

"JBY" is too likely to be a rationalization to not make an effort of self-improvement and "BY" by itself is almost a "Lapalissade" (as in, who else would I be if not myself).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacques_de_La_Palice#Lapalissade

Several good points here on the importance of confidence, not putting someone else on a pedestal.

What may be the strongest strategy to self-improvement - or at least a strong strategy - as I say I believe in focus on developing your strengths but there is something to be said on not ignoring critical weaknesses.

Speed Dawg suggests a specific tactic for that, namely using one of your strengths to "cover" the weaknesses (and possibly positioning yourself so that this is possible).
In an example, above average preparedness shores up a below average public speaking skill - he probably doesn't specific train public speaking skill (so for example if he gets put on the spot spontaneously he will still falter) but as he is sufficiently skilled in preparing himself he can shine when he knows it is coming.

Incidentally I don't like making a empty reference. Every so often something that may seem common sense is false.
So I am going to [citation needed] on my own claim that working on strengths > working on weaknesses as on a quick google search I haven't found the study I remember. If anyone spots it please post here.

 

[mrRuckus]

"Just be yourself"

What does the statement even mean? It really isn't saying anything. We can have pages of dialogue about this but it's ultimately futile because the statement has no meaning.

It's like telling a quarterback to just throw the ball or a batter to just swing the bat. "Um, yeah, buddy, thanks for the advice."

 

[WanderingMan]

People - men & women - sometimes use different personas depending on who they're dealing with.

It's actually difficult to "just be yourself" all the time.

 

[zekko]

I think "Be yourself" is excellent advice. But as the OP mentioned, you want to be your best self. It doesn't mean that if you are a pvssy with women, you want to embrace being a pvssy. You want to embrace your best self, and be that person. You want to put your best strengths forward.

Some may disagree, but I think you want to be genuine with people. I am normally a fairly funny, witty fellow. But when I was younger, when I got around attractive women, I would get intimidated and clam up. I wasn't letting my true personality through around them, I wasn't being myself. I had to learn to relax and not be intimidated by their beauty, so I could let my real personality come through, and make jokes and goof around like I did with others. Those were the things that made me likeable, and that's why I believe it's important to "Be yourself".

The opposite of this would be to put up a false front, like trying too hard to impress and act like you are a huge bad@ss or something. Unless of course you are a huge bad@ss

 

[user43770]

New experiences can change the way you look at the world, so the person you are today, you may not be next year, or even tomorrow.

You may not be naturally confident, but they have the saying fake it until you make it. Other people might not be able to tell that you're faking and gravitate towards you. These positive experiences build real confidence with a snowball effect.

“Understand: If boldness is not natural, neither is timidity. It is an acquired habit, picked up out of a desire to avoid conflict. If timidity has taken hold of you, then, root it out. Your fears of the consequences of a bold action are way out of proportion to reality, and in fact the consequences of timidity are worse. Your value is lowered and you create a self-fulfilling cycle of doubt and disaster. Remember: The problems created by an audacious move can be disguised, even remedied, by more and greater audacity.”

 

[Tenacity]

The problem with the advice of "just be yourself" is that it's very vague and ambiguous.

- What if I don't know who "myself" is? How do I just be "myself" if I don't know who that is?

- What if there's different variations of "myself"? Such as split personalities, or maybe my personality is more one way in one particular situation/set of circumstances and around certain people, and a totally different way in another?

- It denies the current supply and demand within the market, as whomever "myself" is, might not be in current demand within the market I'm seeking. For example, (in a business case) what if I want to get a job as an Accountant but the requirements of the job are 5 years of experience and to be a licensed CPA, but I have neither. Does "being myself" help me here or do I need to become my "better" self by adding experience and certifications?

Based on the above, I would say that "just be yourself" is very bad advice because it's vague, empty, and ambiguous in connotation.

Instead, I think no matter if you are talking business, the job market or trying to impress women, you should ALWAYS seek to understand the demands of the market you are seeking to penetrate, and then TAILOR "yourself" to supply the value that the market is demanding.

There's a reason why I believe Rollo refers to it as "Sexual Market Value". You want to impress women and build plates? Figure out what the "market" is demanding, and supply that value to such marketplace.

 

[zekko]

The problem with the advice of "just be yourself" is that it's very vague and ambiguous..

I'm fond of the advice "Just be yourself" because it has some special meaning to me (see my previous post), although I admit it has some flaws. More for some guys than others.

But I think it is just as valid as the advice "Just be confident", which is also very flawed. It doesn't tell the person who doesn't have many positive experiences with women how they are supposed to get this magic confidence. It doesn't even define what confidence is exactly. A man can be confident in going about his own life, but not necessarily be confident that women will see his value.

 

[SgtSplacker]

To me it's all about honesty man. You know you have to contribute to a relationship. If she's all fit and intelligent and your home playing video games getting fatter your not really being honest with that relationship then right? So being yourself is all about negative traits being displayed. If you want a good relationship then you have to contribute and BE what you WANT in return. Be yourself, but expect to reap what you sow. Fat and lazy begets fat and lazy women.

Be yourself means don't go broke trying to impress a girl who thinks your paid when in reality you just burned a years worth of saving on a month of taking her out. Be yourself means knowing you need to figure something out that fits YOU to take that girl out and show her a good time. You do that with sincerity and show her what your made of and she will take you for who you really are. Not some persona you broke yourself trying to impersonate.

 

[FairShake]

The opposite of this would be to put up a false front, like trying too hard to impress and act like you are a huge bad@ss or something.

I used to do that. B!tches saw thru it. They usually do.

Pretending to be someone you're not will fail epically more often than it will succeed. It's hard to keep up an act long enough to fool anyone. And you will never get close to them if you are living a lie.

If you don't like yourself it's better that you change who you are than pretend to be something you're not.

 

[latinnova]

I completely believe in just being yourself. Why you ask? Because it filters out all the bull**** immediately. I just lay it out how it is, and if they don't like it then we were not going to be compatible in the first place. I can next the hell outta there and move on to the next girl or simply just chill for a while and enjoy time doing what I like to do.
I guess my best way of defining "being myself" is not to put on a facade to try to impress anyone. I will not act one way or another to simply try to get someone to like me. I will act like I am, and if we click, awesome, if not, awesome, that means I just move on.

 

[zekko]

I guess my best way of defining "being myself" is not to put on a facade to try to impress anyone. I will not act one way or another to simply try to get someone to like me. I will act like I am, and if we click, awesome, if not, awesome, that means I just move on.

This is very much my attitude. I'm going to be myself, and if they don't like it, fvck 'em. If they do like it, then I know they like me for myself. Doing this may not make me the ultimate DJ or anything, but that has never been my goal anyway. What I do want to do is to acquire as many positive traits as I can, as long as they are consistent with my genuine self.

Of course, a lot of this goes against PUA doctrine which gives you a set of instructions on how to act to attract women and how to respond to them to attract them. On the other hand, it very much does go along with PUA doctrine which tells you not to qualify yourself or supplicate. But it's not like when I was a 20 year old trying to find myself socially.