Is quiet a bad thing?

[DJinTraining06]

Sorry guys i wanted to get rid of my old username, so i madea new one and forgot to log off the old one before posting this the last time here it is.

Hey guys, i need some advice. Have any of u been really shy at some pt in ur life. I have always been shy and i can't figure out why I can't snap out of it. i feel like the harder i try to be talkative and confident and outgoing, people just dont buy it. There are people in my office who never speak and nobody says a word to them or thinks anythign strange about them. But me, when im at my desk focusing on a spreadsheet or soemthing doin my job, ive had at least 4 or 5 people come up to be numerous times and ask why im so quiet, or soemthing along those lines, sometimes they r really condescending about it to, like as if im retarted or something. I cant seem to figure it out. I'm 5'6'' and i have a boyish looking face. Could that be it? Anybody have a clue what i may be missing here? this is the 2nd job in a row where numerous people have pointed me out and embarassed me in front of everyne for being quiet. Is quiet really that bad, i have plenty of friends, i go out and have fun, i've had girlfriends, I just never seem to get respect unless someone knows me for years. I am friendly with people at work its not like i just sit at my desk and never speak. I speak 10 times more than some other people my age at this office. It's as if cuz im short and young looking people expect me to be loud and exuberant. Like thats the steytpe im suppsoed to fill (little people have big mouths). Why can't i just be myself and be anti-social at times when i wanna concentrate on work like the tall guy in the cube near mine who never speaks. Nobody ever says a word to him. I'm really startign to think its bout my looks. My height and boyish face. I hate to make that excuse, but this has been goin on for yrs and i cannot figure it out. Any ideas? Suggestions? I joined a gym recently, i plan on getting ripped, cuz that has to earn me at least initial respect when people meet me. Somebody borught their 6 yr old son to work today, and he said how old r u? I said 25, and he said why r u so small. it was so embarassing. In front of cute girls too. What else can i do to fix this problem. I feel like aside from my family and close friends, nobody shows me any respect. As soon as they meet me too, before i even open my mouth i get no respect. I stand up tall, shake hands firmly, keep eye contact, so i just dont get it. i'm goin nuts over this, its to the pt where i almost dont give a crap anymore, and i dont wanna become like that.

 

[everywomanshero]

Holy shyt, I couldn't read the post because it would probably infect me with bad beliefs.

Being shy like scared to talk around people isn't a technique, it's a medical condition called Social Anxiety.... Few medical conditions are attractive, unless we are talking abnormally large units, so I think you should fix this ASAP.

The first thing that comes to mind is a positive attitude. You're borderline paranoid right now, thinking of hidden agendas that make people not want to talk to you!!!!! Come on man!!!! SNap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start here:
http://www.worldtalkradio.com/category.asp?cid=432

Additionally, if you are enrolled in a University you usually have access to free counseling for anxiety. There is also Internet based counseling for people who want to avoid face to face contact. There is also some tapes on correcting Social Anxiety I thought about doing just to see if it would 'supercharge' me. I haven't tried these. http://www.socialphobia.org/

Being scared to talk will definitely handicap one's ability to attract and have LTRs with women. It will also lower the prospects of career advancement and having friends in general.

 

[Delta]

DJIT,

when they condescend to you, what do you do about it? especially if they are not friendly to you, they have no right to mock or ridicule you even in jest.

do you call them on it?

also, do you really come off as confident as you say you do or are you shaking hands firmly but shrinking away at the same time with a head trying to sneak in between your shoulders?

something like this should be FAIRLY EASY to diagnose. ask your friends and family too. if it took them years to warm up to you, they can articulate pretty succinctly what it is you are putting out there.

looking forward to hearing what you come up with.

delta

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Try http://www.socialanxietysupport.com . My alias there is C3PO.

Social Anxiety site. Have fun.

Also, try a bootcamp - excellent at helping people who have social anxiety overcome shyness. After all, inevitably at some point, you'll have to say 'hi' to everyone in a mall, right?

 

[Passion]

Hi, I didn't actually read all of your post cuz you didn't really use paragraphs.
A few years ago, the same thing happened to me at my work where people would ask me why I'm so quiet in a condescending kind of way like they were somehow better than me cuz they talked more than me. I didn't really care because they were old and fat.

But to answer your question, I would say yes, being quiet is a bad thing. I'm not saying the more you talk the better your results are, just that if you are shy like I used to be, then it is a big hinderance. Get as social and comfortable with yourself as you can. If people don't give you respect, it helps to work out a bit, get a good hair cut, but most importantly you can't be too friendly. I get the feeling you're not showing enough anger. If someone says something to me to embarass me, my facial reaction shows anger right away, or I give a dismissive look. Don't just sit there and let them get away with it.
Luke, thanks for the link.

 

[DJinTraining06]

DJIT,

when they condescend to you, what do you do about it? especially if they are not friendly to you, they have no right to mock or ridicule you even in jest.

do you call them on it?

also, do you really come off as confident as you say you do or are you shaking hands firmly but shrinking away at the same time with a head trying to sneak in between your shoulders?

something like this should be FAIRLY EASY to diagnose. ask your friends and family too. if it took them years to warm up to you, they can articulate pretty succinctly what it is you are putting out there.

looking forward to hearing what you come up with.

delta

When they are condescending to me i get really embarassed and hope nobody hears cuz it just maks me look bad so i usually shy away from confronting them. But a couple of times i caled people out on it and was like what r u talkin about and got a little irritated and they were still condescending, like alright take it easy with a big smirk on their faces. I even told my boss off once for it, that was the only time i ever really confronted it. He kept comin by my desk and tellin me i was quiet and this and that in such a condescending way, ya know like when a bully in high school says soemthing puprosely loud cuz they wanna humiliate u. it was like that. So I wnet into his office one day and went off on him and told him i didnt need this job and i shoudltn ahve to put up with this crap. His reply was that he didnt know it bothered me and that liked me and didnt think i was getting along with everyone. I told him that dioesnt make sense cuz most people in my row talk less than me, so i dont get it. I personally thinks hes just a jerk and was just trying to mess wit me, cuz if he was really tryign to help me as he claims he wouldnt have been so condecending. And he had no response to that. Since then he has said nothing but hello to me, and treated me with total respect. I felt good bout that, but i dont feel i should have to go nuts on someoine to earn their respect. I know that first replier thinks im being partanoid and its social anziety or whatever. Well thats a little extreme i dont think i have that, but i think im not realizing something. I dunno. What really ticks me off is that i have gone out with peopl;e from work quite a few times, i make smalltalk wit a bucnh of people in the office when im in the coffee break room, walkin to the bathroom, stnading by the copy machine etc. I always try. Maybe as someone posted earlier, i think im more confident than i am. But im tellin u there r times where i dont feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable or intimidated in the company of soemone, and yet they still seem to think i am and treat me like that. I swear i think i just have a dorky kid look.

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

Holy shyt, I couldn't read the post because it would probably infect me with bad beliefs.

Wow, what a confident, unbreakable man you are. If I were female, I'd definitely feel secure around you

 

[DJinTraining06]

Wow, what a confident, unbreakable man you are. If I were female, I'd definitely feel secure around you

Thanks for that, lol. I was thinkin the same thing myself. Wasn't worth the time to respond to him tho. At least some some guys can have an open mind and try to help a brother out. I'm willing to listen to any suggestions or criticisisms, if i can be a better man in the end and get the chicks i want and deserve like we all do.

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

Thanks for that, lol. I was thinkin the same thing myself. Wasn't worth the time to respond to him tho. At least some some guys can have an open mind and try to help a brother out. I'm willing to listen to any suggestions or criticisisms, if i can be a better man in the end and get the chicks i want and deserve like we all do.

A lot of what these guys say is true, but going for chicks is not a chemistry labaratory project where you have a step by step procedure and you write a 2 page lab report afterwards, 12 point font and double spaced.
5% of your actions/strategy or whatever should be from advice from other people (and usually you need to take these with a grain of salt)... but the other 95% of the time, this might be hard to understand, and I'm not talking about being a desperate, needy, clingy person, but JUST DO what FEELS right... RELAX... smoke a cigar, go to a museum with your dashing damsel, discuss something you both relate to, try to feel her emotions, and maybe you'll get somewhere.

 

[Nethel]

I have a similar problem to yours DJIT, though slightly different. It seems that every year I get stuck in a lunch with people I knew from middle school. Now, they refuse to see me as the person I've changed into, and still cling to their old image of me. That old image rightfully deserved scorn, but I'm a different person now. I've tried numerous times to try to convey that I have changed, and that I deserve respect now, but somehow up against their inevitable ridicule of it, it always seems weak. What did you say to your boss that made him back off? What do the rest of you recommend?

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

I have a similar problem to yours DJIT, though slightly different. It seems that every year I get stuck in a lunch with people I knew from middle school. Now, they refuse to see me as the person I've changed into, and still cling to their old image of me. That old image rightfully deserved scorn, but I'm a different person now. I've tried numerous times to try to convey that I have changed, and that I deserve respect now, but somehow up against their inevitable ridicule of it, it always seems weak. What did you say to your boss that made him back off? What do the rest of you recommend?

You can't change other people's clique mentality. Make new friends, that's the only way you can show these kinds of people that you're different. Or come to school with a backwards hat and FUBU jacket and start rapping, maybe they won't recognize you... at least not for 3 seconds.

 

[DJinTraining06]

I have a similar problem to yours DJIT, though slightly different. It seems that every year I get stuck in a lunch with people I knew from middle school. Now, they refuse to see me as the person I've changed into, and still cling to their old image of me. That old image rightfully deserved scorn, but I'm a different person now. I've tried numerous times to try to convey that I have changed, and that I deserve respect now, but somehow up against their inevitable ridicule of it, it always seems weak. What did you say to your boss that made him back off? What do the rest of you recommend?

Hey Nethel, what u just said is exactly what happens, i'm far removed from school, im 25, but same goes for old friends i had from high school and college, people that new me growing up too. When it comes to them, i could put on 20 lbs of muscle, dress great, always look my best and have a comepeltely changed cool personality, and they will never buy it cuz theyll remember me as the short,shy,nerdy,pimply little runt they grew up with. I think that last guy was right, the only way their perception changes is if thye see u with another group of friends, or maybe achieve some good things, like careers, hobbies, or whatever.

As for my boss tho, do get him to back off, i basically just went off on him. I was a little nasty to him. Not really yelling, but this is how it went:

One day i had a ton of work to do, and i was at my cubicle concentrating on it. He walked thru my row a couple times and kept saying my name loud , trying to get me to jump, i guess he thinks thats funny. Well, that actually was funny when he started doin it weeks ago, but after the 3rd time i realized he was tryign to mess with me and not trying to laugh with me with are two very different things. Well anyway, this one day he kept walking thru may aisle for watever reason, and saying my name, then the third time, he said "u alright john". really freakin loud. Loud so like eveyrone turned around. Then i went in his office to file something in his file drawer. And he goes "u alright john" really loud again. (he shares an office with another guy) so that pissed me off again, cuz he keeps making me look bad. This is when i went off on him. I said, "why r u asking me if im alright?" He just kinda smirked and said i dunno and turned his head. So then i say, no seriosuly cut that out. And he got stern and said "what!" and i said, cut that out, i dont know why u keep askin me if im alright. I'm just sitting there doin my work like everyone else in the office, and i dont get why u keep singling me out as some quiet guy. And he goes I'm sorry i didnt know it bothered u. I go yes it does, im 25 yrs old, i like this job but i shouldnt have to put up with this at my age. I'm not some little kid, and he was like again, im sorry i didnt know it bothered u. So i go "ok then" and i walked out. Later on in the day i was kinda wondering if i went to far with him, in hindsight i know i didnt, he deserved it, but i was worried so i went in his office and told him im sorry i reacted like that but it was just botherin me alot, and he became super nice, and was like no no its ok, i just didnt know that bothered u. He said "I kinda like u and i just didnt think u were enjoyign it here, and socializing alot with eveyrbody that much, i was just trying to get u to open up a little." I told him i've been to happy hr like 5 or 6 times with the young people from work (only been there 2 months at this pt) and gone to lunch with people there, which i didnt think he realized or beleived me, dont knwo why. I really dont get why he doesnt ever see me when im being social. I have a good 7 or 8 people that i make smalltalk with on a regular basis and the rest im pleasant to and say hi. I think thats normal. But he never seemed to notice or remember. Whatever i said worked tho. Hope that helps, im sure ur situaltion is a little diff from mine tho.

 

[DJinTraining06]

Hi, I didn't actually read all of your post cuz you didn't really use paragraphs.
A few years ago, the same thing happened to me at my work where people would ask me why I'm so quiet in a condescending kind of way like they were somehow better than me cuz they talked more than me. I didn't really care because they were old and fat.

But to answer your question, I would say yes, being quiet is a bad thing. I'm not saying the more you talk the better your results are, just that if you are shy like I used to be, then it is a big hinderance. Get as social and comfortable with yourself as you can. If people don't give you respect, it helps to work out a bit, get a good hair cut, but most importantly you can't be too friendly. I get the feeling you're not showing enough anger. If someone says something to me to embarass me, my facial reaction shows anger right away, or I give a dismissive look. Don't just sit there and let them get away with it.
Luke, thanks for the link.

Passion, wat u said really rang a bell in my head. You saying that u cant be too nice and the thign about the facial expressions and not letting them get away with it really r two things that never dawned on me.

I think my problem is i need everyones approval and wanna please everybody. There's this like 50 yr old fat lady with a big mouth (the opposoite of shy, quite obnoxious actually) that sits a row away from me. She come by every now and again and talks to me like im mentally retarted. Cuz people like her usually think if someone isnt saying every idiotic thoguht that pops into their head, and loudly, then they must be retarted. Some loud poeple know know any other way so they dont realize that i can be just as smart,sarcastic,witty, cynical, experienced, etc etc. as her. Anyway i think what u said is really gonna help me now. CUz i bet if i had given her a displeased look, and then not given her the light of day, rather than give her my full attention an try to be all sweet with her and just sweetly deny my quietness, i bet she never would have done it again. But me being so nice to her and enterntaining the stuff comin out of her mouth, made her keep doin it. She finally seemed to stop when we had a convo in the elevator once and i guess she realized i was quite normal. Now she talks to me like everyone else.

 

[Caldus]

Hey,

I have a very similar problem. I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm always in where I am just so reserved around people (except when drunk of course). Take last night for example. I met some new girls at a friend's place. We were all just drinking a little. At the beginning, I am still sober and therefore very reserved. For some reason I just didn't introduce myself to them until a little later. And they were both taken anyway so it's not like there was any pressure. But somehow I still don't do it. Then later in the night, when I am getting drunk, they are all over me! They touched me a little and talked in a much different tone to me like as though I was their boyfriend (and her bf was standing right there). And I end up having a really deep conversation with my friends after that (something I never would've done). And the next day I think "why can't I just do that when I am sober?".

I take Paxol CR, 3 calcium/magnesium supplements a day, and I still get pretty anxious in social situations so I end up becoming really quiet. It's annoying I know. I am really beginning to think that being quiet is just not a way to live. People around you begin to think you're a snob (which I still don't understand this either) and of course it hinders your social and love life.

 

[GaryUranga]

Ok heres my 2 cents, Im "shy" myself I dont like putting labels on myself, not talking can be good if done right, you want to turn it from being "that guy is shy and nervous" to "that guy is mysterious" not literally.. but Im just saying that not talking isnt necessarily a bad thing.

and yeah I also do have social anxiety BUT Im working on it, and its been improving a lot, to the point where Ive been genuinely outgoing without trying or faking it, the first thing you can do is work on yourself, a big part of it is just like changing your entire perception of things most times shy people are expecting the worst and possibly preparing to deal with it, or just see everything as a test one must deal with, self absortion also strikes a lot and that just doesnt allow you to relax, work on changing all those things firts, affirmations, reframing, positive thinking.. those are the things that really helped me. work on that and youll start progressing a lot on being confortable, this also means you GOTTA stop the opposite, negative thoughts, self depreciation, get yourself to develop a fear towards that or whatever, just stay away from those things.

something interesting is that IMO after you work on those things youll be ABOVE a lot of people, "normal" people have this too but for different kind of situations, I have a friend who isnt shy at all but he has the same shyness problem in certain specific situations, if you master this whole "perception changing" on everything then theres no limits.

GL and HF man.

 

[dating]

Well remeber all people have their own personality, some are shy, som not at all