Is it really the end of this relationship?

[jbbrain]

Men,

It's been a very long time since i've started a thread on this site. I've been browsing for the last few months, and really not posting that much.

In any case, here I am looking for a little insight as to what other ppl think about my relationship with my girlfriend, (there have been numerous posts about her before) to give input where it is needed and to really help take my head outta my ass in regards to the question we must all ask ourselves oneday:

"Is it really worth continuing my relationship with my girlfriend?"


I don't need to give u guys that much detail or background info about my past with this chick. We've had our differences over an array of subjects, but conceivably it's one theme that seems to keep on rearing its ugly head in the relationship. Its one thing that's manifesting itself over and over again and its the one thing that led me to break up with her bout 4 months ago. She begged me to come back, citing 'everything' would change, and I did...overall, the first 3 weeks were heaven, then it kinda felt nothing really changed (which I knew would happen...but i still wanted to provide that chance)...we've been going out for one year and five months now, something I thought I'd never achieve in this life time...

keep in mind my questions would probably be better answered pondering what i want out of my life in a dank quiet corner alone or something...but I felt it would also be kinda fun to post something again.

When we broke up, it was really because I couldn't stand the double standards she was imposing on our relationship. In a nutshell, she would get angry/upset over something I would do (or more in her case, the things I would not do...she complained relentlessly that I kept on disappointing her; which really meant she didnt like it when i didnt do something she wanted me to do) meanwhile exhibiting the EXACT behaviour she herself stated she hated to see in me. She wanted to have her cake and it eat it too and by the end I was sick and tired of her nagging and her chastising while I felt I was making genuine efforts for the wellbeing of 'us' while she herself was on the verge (IMO) of taking me for granted..arguments often ensued like this one:

"JB, I can't believe you're not hanging out with me tonight (tears welling up in the eyes) . You're diappointing me again..why do you make me cry?

"Babe, you nag and harrass me so much, but take a look at yourself...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY? Only, I don't complain about it (probably because i tend to depend on myself for my entertainment)..why are u so selfish?"

Ahhh, see, communication apparently was not our strongest attribute. Crying would ALWAYS ensue after this classic argument and I would always be accused of making her feel like shyt, unloved, and even 'hated' (if u can believe that one) when all along i'm trying to explain to her, (sometimes in shouting matches) just trying to make her see..."HEY, DON'T YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BRINGING THIS ALL ON YOURSELF!?" Long story short, I got sick and tired of "disappointing her" while she sat back and did shyt all for the relationship (with slightly disrespectful actions sprinkled along the way), and I wanted out. The situation was so weird because we both thought of eachother as completely selfish and self interested..surely not many relationships exist where both parties think the exact same thing of the other...who was right?

I didn't try to answer that question, so i left. That was beg. november 2005.

1 week of begging and pleading later, I go back with her. Why? Because I cared..because she seemed so hellbent on being the woman I wanted her to be that I wanted to give her that chance. Shyt was good for awhile and for the first time in awhile we were both putting heaps of effort in this, knowing the other would do the same and be ultra grateful for it. Reciprocity is a wondeful thing.

Then, a new trend started forming. She would do certain things I would consider to be fvcking direspectful (blowing off new years plans with me because she got invited to a once in life time mtv new years eve party...ok ok...it wasnt a direct blowoff but the way she let me know of her change of plans was imo completely uncool) ..she once withheld sex from me for 3 weeks because she was on anti biotics and couldnt take the pill all the while knowing perfectly she had condoms in her bedside drawer...anyways..shyt like this and more of it. The way I handled it was very wrong and I would let myself get mad instead of remaing aloof and indifferent. Fights would again ensue and i would again be accused of making her feel like shyt (as in, "a good boyfriend would never make his girlfriend feel as shytty as you do sometimes jb" ...

 

[penkitten]

if you are done, then be done with it.

once someone pisses in the love pool, its hard to want to take another lap around isnt it?

 

[Trance]

I carryed a relation when we had issues about everything and about nothing for a couple of years. Was it good? We had even better times after each breakup, and even worser times.
Then we broke up, got a period of emotional unstability, and then found much better girls, that make my time much better of sharing with.

You are only with a girl if you are happy. If you aint happy with a girl, what prevents you from changing to another? Only if you dont think you'll find a better one.

 

[jbbrain]

2nd part of story

I thought it was kinda funny that fights would never really start because something I did, but really only because shyt she did. The thing was, I started feeling kinda shytty myself because the relationship was marred with such fights (sometimes quite a few in a short span) and I started to genuinely feel like an uptight prick for always being up in her grill. The thing is, anyone who knows me knows i'm not an uptight priick. I'm not a control freak, and I don't enjoy beating my women up (mentally or emotionally) into a pulp of emotional and insecure mess. reagrdless, I'm not a doormat either, so I had to let her realize where, why and how she made me feel angry. I used to just bottle up inside and explode at a later date, but I've made great strides in being more real with her and myself and just tackling the problem head on. Still, this (maybe more now than aver) translated into confrontation, tears would flow and again I would be accused of being a prick. it got to the point where we obviously both thought we were the victims...thats not a place I like to be.

Perhaps the latest incident came on Valnetine's day, about 1 month ago. She was going to costa rica with her graduating friends for spring break and I was very excited for her so I got her a great gift i thought shed be sure to enjoy...a pair of roxy board shorts. This is a gift I did a fair share of research about and I talked to many of her friends in true secrecy so as to find a pair that would both fit her as well as match her bikini. I love to surf, and I love my shorts to death. Whether you're out on the beach or just walking around anywhere, they are so comfortable and stylish..., not to mention I think women who were them are extremely sexy. So i was really excited to give them to her and when i made that trek at 1 in the morning to her house so that i could be with her "Valentine's midnight" I get harrassed for coming too late while she laments about being so tired. Still, I insist on the gift and In that exciting moment of anticipation where shes undoing the wrapping paper, I have the biggest smile on my face. I can't wait for that look on her face...! you know?!?!?1 That LOOK! Instead...

"OMG, these are so not my style"

WHAT????Either she needs a serious degree in gift accepting 101 or..or...who the hell knows! 1 thing i do know is that I completely overrreacted to the situation. It was probably the biggest slap in the face I had gotten in my relationship with her . it was probably the rudest circumstance that I could have thought of at the time...but alas...hey, its only a pair of board shorts. Instead of being level headed, i got huffy, accused her of being an ungrateful princess and threatened to leave her house. it was kinda pathetic,but my ego was hurt! Through only adamant and incessant apologies, and a whole lot of (thats not what i meant! statements) was I able to sleep in her bed that night. Apparently, I misread her reaction and she did like them, its only that she didnt 'know how to surf'.

So I dropped it, until yesterday when we were sitting down reading. At a moments notice she enthusiastically reached into her bag.

"JB, I got you something!!!!!"

Hmmm, gold watch, keys to a new car I'm thinking...?hmmmmm? (Just kidding)

A cupcake! But not just any kind of cupcake. It was a member of the ones who've been stuffed into a tightfitting bag for too long a portion of the day. It was crushed, icing was dripping and sliding all along the plastic bag, and i just didnt feel like getting my hands dirty at the time.

"babe..thanks but I dont really feel like getting my hands dirty...I'll have one later at your place.."

I went back to reading my paper, thinking all was good and understood. Thinking..hey, its a crushed cupcake, whats the big deal right? After an unusually dark moment was seemingly brooding over our heads, I looked up to see my girlfriend almost in tears, completely red in the face, just about to explode (or implode lol)..apparently she didnt think the cupcake was much different than my v-day gift. She exclaims violently:

"What?!?! You're not goign to eat my cupcake? But I brought it for you! And YOU accuse me of being ungrateful ALL THE TIME, making me feel like shyt, and here you are so casually declining and disregarding something I brought especially for you!" WTF!

Me thinking: 'Holy shyt. this chcik could very well be insane. I better eat the cupcake.' Ha!

All in all, as I want this to be my concluding paragraph (thanks so much for those who made it this far) I made the mistake right then and there of not confronting the situation; that is, an unstable gf whos freaking out at bullshyt. Instead, I bottled it up all inside and it came out at the worst time ( my mistake): Her graduation ball we were to go to that night. It wasnt my intention to bring it up since it was 'her' night afterall, but I just couldnt force myself to fake a good mood. My choice was to simply try not to interact with her specifically as much as possible throughtout the night. Just make it through the night and tackle the problem tomorrow I insisted to myself. In the end, I couldnt fool anyone and she whined and lamented about my distance and overall indifference to the night. I made a snyde joke about being "grateful" or something like that and then it all started. V DAY was brought up again (which was not my intention) and I learned a few things last night. the notable few: She apparently wasnt sorry in the end about the way she handled receiving my gift becaue last night all she could say was "I told you I didnt want to learn how to surf! You asked me 10 times and I kept on telling you the same thing!" She then accused me (she was kinda right) of sabotaging "her" night, but that ring didnt sound too good in my ears. I didnt want to deal with her at that moment (not too mention full blown fighting at her graduation formal!) so I went off mingling with other ppl and she followed me, nagging me and accussing me of ruining her night. I got angry at this and she started to cry. She wept in the corner and I got more: "You're ruining my night" as well as some "you're ruining my makeup" ..and a whole lot of "why do u hate me so much?"...at that point, I knew I wasnt dealing with a level headed person and I wanted out so I left the party. After picking up her what seemed like 10th call asking where I was, I told her I was on my way home and she basically told me in a roundabout way that it would be over if i didnt come back; That shes never been so insulted in her life and that she cant believe I did what i did. ITs funny how it didnt seem like she was crying anymore. I truly wanted to flirt with chance at that point but alas, a guilty conscience took control of me (afterall, it was her night) and I went back to find her and her friends. The ensuing rest of night was weird and awkward and manipulated by perhaps too much alcohol. All i know is that this is basically where it stands right now, as we didnt talk about it at all the rest of the night or this morning. I havent called her since this afternoon and all I can think about is how I want like a good 72 hours free from her so i can find out wtf I want to do...this is obviously a shytty situation, and as you can see, there is some serious communication lacking from this relationship....at the moment, I feel too much resentment to do anything (she probbaly feels the same way), so I just want to take a breather...

 

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by penkitten
if you are done, then be done with it.

once someone pisses in the love pool, its hard to want to take another lap around isnt it?

pen..for sure I know what youre saying...Im a happy guy overall and I dont liek to be affected...at this point i dont know if i feel attachment with her or the relationship...but somethign is obviously keeping me in this relationship...and it has been for sometime, because this thing has always been about the ups and downs..thats all we get...dio i subcounsciously think its exciting...?

Im no drama kiing...but maybe....

 

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by Trance
I carryed a relation when we had issues about everything and about nothing for a couple of years. Was it good? We had even better times after each breakup, and even worser times.
Then we broke up, got a period of emotional unstability, and then found much better girls, that make my time much better of sharing with.

You are only with a girl if you are happy. If you aint happy with a girl, what prevents you from changing to another? Only if you dont think you'll find a better one.

in essence, youre right...at the same time, im emotionally invested in this..almost a year and a half..all the good, all the bad, sometimes its easier said than done just to let it go...especially over something as mundane (but it only sounds mundane) as compatibility...liek why shoul it take over a year to realize that?

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by jbbrain
pen..for sure I know what youre saying...Im a happy guy overall and I dont liek to be affected...at this point i dont know if i feel attachment with her or the relationship...but somethign is obviously keeping me in this relationship...and it has been for sometime, because this thing has always been about the ups and downs..thats all we get...dio i subcounsciously think its exciting...?

Im no drama kiing...but maybe....

well if you are thinking about it being the end, then some part of you wants it to be over with.
i understand you have attachment, however that doesnt mean that you are in a relationship that is right for you.
some people can be the greatest people, and that doesnt mean that a relationship with them is going to work out for the best.
if you think this is the relationship that you want, then by all means, do what you can to salvage it. i am not suggesting that you do anything you dont want to.
all i am saying is that when i question is this the end, its usually already over. why drag things on and make them worse?

 

[MacDiddy]

JB: I think you're just lazy. You don't want to go out and find someone else that might be more compatible with you.. There are girls out there that will suit you better and provide you with a much better quality of life.

 

[Wyldfire]

For a long term relationship to work BOTH people need to be committed to it. What you describe sounds an awful lot like her placing expectations onto you, you not meeting them and her resenting it. My first question would be whether or not her expectations are unreasonable. If they are unreasonable then she's definitely in the wrong. If they are fair and reasonable then my next question would be is she communicating to you what those expectations are or does she just sit back and wait for you to not meet them and then biotch about it and hold it against you? If the expectations aren't unreasonable but she isn't communicating to you what they are, then she can't very well expect you to meet them. So here is my advice:

IF her expectations are unreasonable...you should just end the relationship because it's not going to work.

IF her expectations are reasonable but she's not communicating what they are to you...you MIGHT be able to fix the problem by explaining to her that she NEEDS to communicate what it is she expects from you clearly and specifically. You need to do the same thing about your expectations of her. If the two of you can get in the habit of not expecting the other to be able to read minds and communicate your expectations (as long as they are fair) then you can probably overcome the problem. But remember...this will ONLY work if both of you are not placing UNreasonable expectations onto each other and are BOTH committed to overcoming this problem.

 

[jbbrain]

wyld

thanks for the reply..notice the strange trend how at 1st it was her placing expectations on me and then (on the 2nd page about the situation) iyt could have been understood that she wasnt meeting my expectations? did you read the 2nd part of the story?

its like in a way, the roles got reversed, with the same stupid outcome...

great bit about how ppl arent able to read minds..very true and thats the same advice my sister gave me awhle ago...you cant just let the resentment grow and hope that the other will do something without communicating it...

the problem is, now i communicate it...the problem, should i have to communicate that much?

 

[tmpgstx]

Boy .. sounds like you're a bit whipped JB. Better come back here or else it's over etc ..

If any girl spoke like that to me about ruining her night etc. etc. or the VDay episode, she would dam well know that i will not be insulted for doing something i wanted too for her.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by jbbrain
wyld

thanks for the reply..notice the strange trend how at 1st it was her placing expectations on me and then (on the 2nd page about the situation) iyt could have been understood that she wasnt meeting my expectations? did you read the 2nd part of the story?

its like in a way, the roles got reversed, with the same stupid outcome...

great bit about how ppl arent able to read minds..very true and thats the same advice my sister gave me awhle ago...you cant just let the resentment grow and hope that the other will do something without communicating it...

the problem is, now i communicate it...the problem, should i have to communicate that much?

Yeah...I read the second part too. Here's the issue...all it takes is one of you to start this nonsense with expectations. It's like a snowball...once it begins the other person gets sucked in and it just builds and builds. At this point you are both feeling kinda resentful. If one of you doesn't find the strength to break out of the snowball and ACT instead of REACT it's not going to stop and the relationship will meet a fiery, volatile end. Yes, you need to communicate your needs, desires and expectations in a relationship...but IF you both do that it takes far less effort, time and aggravation than what you're dealing with right now takes. Consider it an investment of time used to do "preventative maintenance" on your relationship. Just like you take the time to get an oil change or tune up done to your car, you need to do certain things in a relationship to keep things running smoothly. If you don't do those things then the small things turn into huge things that take a lot more out of you than doing the preventative things will take. Are you following me?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Does everyone notice that all of this drama is over meaningless petty shyt??

Your personalitiesv are not compatible and both of your expectations are not being met by the other party! You both are seeking acceptance from one another but don't have the solution to please the other in the most simplest way .

You both have temper tantrums if things are not taken as intended or if there is not a grand acceptance of the other's interest or gift -- not surprising cionsidering that you are 22 years old.

There is something deeper going on here - and I think the underlying issue is selfishness - moreso on her part!

The "cup cake" deal is nonsensical - she may have psychological problems!!! Maybe she feels that if you rejected her gift than you are rejecting her - you may be thinking this same way!!

You both are seeking total acceptance on every issue - this is not reality. She is not going to like everything you do or give her and you are not going to like everything she does or gives you - accept this!!

Arguing over little things tells us that there is something bigger that is being ignored between you two!!

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
Does everyone notice that all of this drama is over meaningless petty shyt??

Your personalitiesv are not compatible and both of your expectations are not being met by the other party! You both are seeking acceptance from one another but don't have the solution to please the other in the most simplest way .

You both have temper tantrums if things are not taken as intended or if there is not a grand acceptance of the other's interest or gift -- not surprising cionsidering that you are 22 years old.

There is something deeper going on here - and I think the underlying issue is selfishness - moreso on her part!1

The "cup cake" deal is nonsensical - she may have psychological problems!!!

It could be that they just aren't compatible enough...or it could be that they are IF they learn to communicate better. That doesn't always come naturally. There are some people who really struggle with expressing their needs, desires and expectations. Their age might have a lot to do with it, too. On the bright side...at least they both seem to WANT to please the other. Unfortunately, both of them seem to be easily hurt if they don't get the kind of response they are looking for...which leads to resentment and "one-upping" each other.

I'm not sure they can overcome the problem since both of their feelings have been hurt. IF they can get a handle on the communication thing they might be able to do it. But if they don't get that under control, they stand no chance at all.

 

[ryanbo29]

I read half your messages and it sorta seems that although you don't notice, you're drawn by a challenge.. we all say we hate drama, etc, but still.. you seem to jump through a lot of hoops that keep getting higher and smaller..

I really do think you should move on and cut bait here.

Easier said than done, I know.

 

[Kaine]

Were you ever the prize? Did she ever chase you? Does she seek you for validation?

There are red flags galore in your posts.


If you are not happy in your relationship, it's time to cut lose. Relationships are to enrich your life. You are been needy and desperate by settling for what you are getting simply because you have emotions of attachment.


Are you going to marry this girl?

Do you plan to replay these situations over and over and over and over, 1, 2 5 years more?


Time to grab your balls and take charge of what you want and believe you deserve. If she doesn't buy into you frame, she knows where to go.


Her respect for you is at an all time low and you going back to her dropped it even further because you didn't take her back on your terms AND stand by them.


Kaine

 

[jbbrain]

update

UPDATE

Hey guys,

A little update because I know you guys think this is juicier than an issue of "US" weekly..

All this happened on Saturday, she came over Monday during the day to talk. I outlined that I thought that although I love her, I basically thought thought that this was a dysfunctional relationship and we talked about everything I felt was needed for this relationship to work...If you must know, it was everything that was written on this thread. I talked about our lack of comm., I talked about how I overreacted with the V day gift, I talked about how expectations have to be enacted only with full communication... I talked about how we're responsible for our own happiness etc.she agreed about everything. Then, I apologized for my part in what happened at the formal. Apparently this is what was bothering her most...the fact that "I brought up this fight" during what was apparently her most sacred night in her life...In truth, I never did want to brin it up..at the same time, I couldnt pretend everything was fine and amazing and i only brought it up after she insisted i was 'ruining her night' by being so distant.

This is when she began bawling again and started aggressively accusing me (once again) of ruining (singlehandedly) her formal out with her friends..She couldnt believe that I made her cry and that after what seemed like an eternity of her weeping, accusing me over and over again of fvcking u[p her night (in the end, I even tried to console her, but she wasnt ready), that I would actually leave the formal itself just so that I could clear my head. Like you all know, I did come back for her, becayuse i thought it was an ill advised decision to just leave it, mostly because I knew that without a doubt it would have been over if I never came back. I wanted to have that choice.

In the end, we very half assedly resolved the whole graduation formal thing, and that led me to come over to her place at 3am last night after I finished working at my bar.There were more tears, more accusation of ruining her night and asking me over and over again I could have done what I did knowing how much the night meant to her.

This was getting slightly ridiculous so I insisted with a retort that "No, I didnt 'ruin' your night..you let yourself ruin your night." in the end, yeah, I was an active participant in the "fight" but she perpetuated it just as much as I did, attacking me in ways that prompted a brief shouting match. Besides, i told her, 'ruining' someones night (especially one which she conveninetly labelled one of the most important in her life) is a very heavy burden to bare, and I didnt feel I was ready for it, or deserved it. This got her even more angry because she was thinking I was just being defensive and stubborn when all along i had been sincerely apologizing for what I did. She didnt think i was sincere and she made some comments that were intended to poke me in the ribs about how insincere she thought I was...

Bah. We feel asleep and she left in the morning.

It's funny how much I could have 'ruined' her night when I'm not even so sure she wanted me there in the 1st place. Maybe because she could fortell that something like this would happen? In the morning when I got up and got on her computer and saw a piece of paper right beside it in full view talking about how much she resented me and how i ruined this and even that, "ironically or sadly" she didnt even want me there in the 1st place. I probbaly should have put the paper away, but I continued to read the short paragraph. She wrote that she thought that the relationship was almost over and went on and on about why and how i could have hurt her the ways i did.

PHEWWW. To all those who helped me through this drama, I just want to thank you for your help and courteously accept mostly all of your suggestions that, indeed, this relationship is DEAD and over with. I know I can put the work to patch this up with good communication and other things, even though it appears that her resent towards me, although probbaly temporary, has hit a whole new plateau. The strange thing is, I don't have the will or the desire to patch things up and "work through yet another issue"...we've ben fighting quite a bit over the past couple months and it just drains me to no end. I'm sick and tired of being mad. I think I would be doing both of us a favour by ending it...(I think she may be too chicken shyt to do it herself) so I've basically decided that thats what I'll do...besides, this is her graduating year, finishing up in april, and she has given me no details whatsoever (even after i ask her) about what she decides to do fullwell knowing my plans to stick around in Montreal for the summer..

It's going to be hard..we had so many good times over a year and a half...but I'm still young, handsome and should realize when its time to cut my losses and move on...

This will be an experience all unto itself. Wish me luck!

 

[Royal Elite]

Here's a little tip for you to carry in life:

Just because you were argueing before bed that doesn't mean you have to wake up with a frown!!!

What this means is so many times couples fight simply becuase they "were" fighting. It turns into a daily routine, and is only done because it is expected to be done.

So in the future, let fighting end when your day ends, or don't still act angry on wendesday just because you were fighting on sunday, this realization alone will help you not fight as much, also share this insight with whomever you are fighting with.

ps. Offer to change everything you did over on her formal, ooh wait you can't. Let her know the past is written in stone and there is nothing you can do to go back and change the night of her formal. She either has to let it go and get over with it, or deal with it alone.

 

[Wyldfire]

Yes, the relationship is over. The only chance it had for being resolved was if she was as open to working things out and stopping with the expectations and resentments. Apparently she isn't able to do her part, and it takes two to fix these kinds of problems. Just end the relationship today...right now if you can and move on with your life. Consider this a learning experience. You now understand how damaging expectations that are not communicated can be when they go unmet. They're basically premeditated resentments. Don't EVER allow this to happen with anyone else. This is one of the most important tools and lessons to help you with other LTRs. Feel fortunate that you have learned it while you're still young.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
For a long term relationship to work BOTH people need to be committed to it. What you describe sounds an awful lot like her placing expectations onto you, you not meeting them and her resenting it. My first question would be whether or not her expectations are unreasonable. If they are unreasonable then she's definitely in the wrong. If they are fair and reasonable then my next question would be is she communicating to you what those expectations are or does she just sit back and wait for you to not meet them and then biotch about it and hold it against you? If the expectations aren't unreasonable but she isn't communicating to you what they are, then she can't very well expect you to meet them. So here is my advice:

IF her expectations are unreasonable...you should just end the relationship because it's not going to work.

IF her expectations are reasonable but she's not communicating what they are to you...you MIGHT be able to fix the problem by explaining to her that she NEEDS to communicate what it is she expects from you clearly and specifically. You need to do the same thing about your expectations of her. If the two of you can get in the habit of not expecting the other to be able to read minds and communicate your expectations (as long as they are fair) then you can probably overcome the problem. But remember...this will ONLY work if both of you are not placing UNreasonable expectations onto each other and are BOTH committed to overcoming this problem.

Have you even read what he wrote? This girl is obviously unreasonable and selfish. She's also a drama queen. There is nothing to overcome. He is FAR better off without her. Good riddance. I got annoyed with her just reading what he said.