Is it better to be distrustful?

[BlueShift]

Many members of sosuave promote distrust towards women in general, particular in a relationship. Before I began lurking this website around a year ago I had always had trouble trusting my girlfriends. I was always a little suspicious of my girlfriends but in the end, I trusted them after a long time.

However, after reading a year on this site I'm pretty adamant I can’t trust any woman. At least a dozen threads are posted each week which entail a story about a woman being unfaithful or generally being manipulative and a ***** in general. Although at first I didn't believe every girl was like this. But now I feel these views have been conditioned in me. In fact, I accept these views.

It's been a while since I first noticed my paranoia about women in general. It's only been today where I have realized it’s been affecting my LTR of about a year. I don't feel like I can trust her at all. There are just little things she does which reminds me of a red flag identified on the forums here. For example, she has a close male friend. Yes, we all know the stigma here. I have laid out the law and banned her from hanging out with him. They used to mess around before I came into the picture too. But at the back of my mind I still believe they are hanging out behind my back, it’s just something that I believe I have been conditioned to belief, almost expect from the site. I'm not blaming the website for this insecurity. The forums certainly proves women have and will(?) be unfaithful at one point or another. Before I laid out the law she was going to catch up with this guy, but I think she intentionally concealed it by saying she was just going to see a movie with a 'friend'. But afterwards she didn't see this guy. This time…

Despite telling her I don't approve her seeing a guy she used to mess around with, she caught up with him for a meal one time. She said she only did it because she was really sad and I was not around for her. This is total bull**** because she hanged out with this guy during the day and tried to call me later that night which I missed. Maybe she called out of guilt. Who fvcking knows. That resulted in an argument, I nearly broke up with her but for a some dumbass reason we reconciled. I told her I don’t trust her, especially around someone she used to mess around with. But by laying down the law, does the woman become more secretive about the ways she bypasses what you say or does she simply obey? I want to know this.

We have been fighting a lot recently, on her side she is upset I can’t open up to her, but how can I if I don’t trust her? To be honest, I’m just waiting for another argument which will be the final nail in the coffin. I just need a push to initiate a breakup, my head is everywhere at the moment. I’m not sure if this can work without trust. If we have another discussion about trust it's going to end in a breakup. Needless to say I care for her and everything but this is preventing us from anything more.

So is it better to distrust? Because right now it feels like shvt. I don't know how to be trusting anymore.

Is there a solution to my situation?

 

[juicywa]

It's not distrust.

It's knowing how women are and accepting that fact.

 

[cola]

First and foremost I like your thread. Its a easy read and a.pleasure to offer my opinion. You have a very nice writing style. Please excuse typos I'm writing this on my phone and have big hands.

To answer the thread title, no. It is not better to be disrespectful. What do you gain by being disrespectful? You don't progress or grow as a person by being disrespectful. However you can be no nonsense.

When you lay down the law, you lay down the law. Just as in our justice system once you have been found guilty of breaking the law you suffer the penalty. The judge does not argue with you. You have broken the law and now must serve a punishment equal to the crime as deemed by the judge.

You don't have to argue with her, just let it be known that a 0 tolerance policy is in affect.

On the flip side of the coin, don't go looking for stuff. Just as in the justice system, no witness or proof, no case. If you don't know for sure it happend,.it didn't happen.
I'm a firm believer of what is done in the dark comes to the light.

And as a closing, please don't let this forum of jaded men corrupt you.
Its unfair to deduce all women cheat or lie. It is perhaps more accurate to say majority do. But there are still good girls.

Hope this helps
Good luck

 

[BlueShift]

When you lay down the law, you lay down the law. Just as in our justice system once you have been found guilty of breaking the law you suffer the penalty. The judge does not argue with you. You have broken the law and now must serve a punishment equal to the crime as deemed by the judge.

You don't have to argue with her, just let it be known that a 0 tolerance policy is in affect.

On the flip side of the coin, don't go looking for stuff. Just as in the justice system, no witness or proof, no case. If you don't know for sure it happend,.it didn't happen.

I'm a firm believer of what is done in the dark comes to the light.

Thanks Cola for the thoughtful reply. Your advice was like a breathe of fresh air. Although my problem has been eating me up, your court analogy is calming me down. The problem resides in my effort of looking for these red flags constantly. "What is done in the dark comes to the light" - This has got me thinking, and yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I'm going to take a few days to think about my decision to break up the relationship. I'm not sure if stress from a huge workload is influencing me or its actually just me. I haven't seen her in a few weeks as of workload, perhaps it might be a good idea to see her before a decision is met.

 

[comic_relief]

a healthy amount of cynicism is always good in everything you do

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop is not helpful either because you are always waiting instead of just enjoying the moment. My ex-gf never understood this and it ultimately doomed our relationship because she wanted to nitpick the entire relationship instead of just accept it for what it was. Guess dating a girl that never really had a "relationship" where she was head over heels was a bad idea.

be cynical but not too cynical

- comic_relief

 

[Gro0ver]

If you get into a relationship with a woman then No it's not good to be distrusting.

1) You screen a girl thoroughly before entering into a serious relationship with her. If you spot problems and issues early on and have a bad feeling then seriously consider ending it because having no relationship is better then a bad one (I did this earlier in the week, not easy but it was the right thing).

2) You put trust in:

a) Her that she will be honest and straightforward with you - you need to be like this yourself towards her (show her how it's done) and demand that she do the same. It ain't rocket science, this is how healthy relationships function

b) That you can continue to satisfy her and keep her attention.

To me, if you distrust a woman that you're emotionally entangled with then you either have poor taste/poor judge of character or you aren't confident in your own ability to keep them.

A relationship without trust has no foundation, I simply would not put up with it and would rather be alone.

Outside of a relationship, what does it matter if you trust them or not if you aren't emotionally entangled?

Too many guys causing themselves unneccessary headaches through poor selection and not ending bad relationships soon enough. I appreciate that it's not as easy as typing it here but you need to promote positivity in your life by letting positive people in, and easing negative influences out.

Is there a solution to my situation?

Break up and learn from it. Just go and do it, you know it's the right thing, don't waste any more time and energy on flogging a dead horse.

If you were her #1 then she would do everything to make sure that you trusted her and that there was no doubt in her mind.

 

[bigneil]

You have to trust them by default and have a positive outlook.

If you don't trust them, they won't be as trustworthy. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a confident man does not question her motives as he assumes she is interested in him.

When you bestow responsibility upon people they usually feel a need to deliver for you.

 

[comic_relief]

To add to my previous post, its all about balance

- comic_relief

 

[5string]

Trust until a woman proves that she does not deserve your trust. Be ever watchful and listen to the little fvcker who sits on your shoulder and watches out for you. He's right every single time.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I only trust someone so long as my interests do not oppose theirs. I don't think someone would sell me out for no good reason. But if they had reason I definitely think someone I otherwise trusted would sell me out. It's just being realistic.

Only after I have been through thick and thin with a person would I really be able to build some trust with them. Just meeting someone and placing my trust in them I would consider stupid.

Relationships are all about the pursuit of personal happiness. People have to pursue their dream. How am I going to trust that a girls dream will always include me in it? It doesn't even make sense. If I love her then I wan't her to be happy, even if it's not with me. What I do expect is for her to be honest and get out of the relationship when she sees fit. The last thing I want is someone feeling obligated to being with me like i'm some kind of basket case or something.

So to answer your question in short. Yes.

But it's not about looking over your shoulder 24/7. It's about knowing what someone really wants and not standing in their way.

Remember the quality of your life is the most important thing here. If you spend your days worrying then... well... you spend your days worrying.

You need to stop considering that girl a serious girlfriend, at least on an emotional level she is cheating on you with that guy. And until he is totally out of the picture she should only be a bed buddy for you. I'd play it cool and just bang her when you can. If she starts talking about marriage then tell her you don't really think she is serious because she has this orbiter around waiting to fvck her.